Should I breakup with my 6 year live-in gf

[lstguy]

Hi, my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over six years. We have been living together for most of that (5 and a half years). We are both 25. She is absolutely my favorite person in the world, but I feel like our relationship isn't complete. Sometimes when I read posts on here about people deciding if they should break up I feel like our relationship is pretty good.

 

Here is the basic situation, she is the sweetest girl, and I love spending time with her, whether it is going out with friends or just going grocery shopping or hanging out at home watching TV. She is very supportive of me and is always there for me if I need her. I still just feel as if the relationship is not complete.

 

The main reason I think something isn't right is that I am just not sexually attracted to her anymore, we might only have sex 2 or 3 times a month. I think this bothers her, especially since we used to do it all the time. I have been trying to understand why I am not sexually attracted to her anymore, sometimes I think it is because she has gained weight since we got together, but I don't think this is the real reason. I think it has more to do with her just being my best friend and not my girlfriend. I also find myself being extremely attracted to other girls, and have thoughts about cheating (I have not/will not do this, but I do have the thoughts).

 

Some of the things that make me unhappy in the relationship include the fact that she is very irresponsible with money. She has run up about $3000 in credit card debt, even though I pay for virtually everything (utilities, food, going out, and most all day-to-day stuff). She wanted a gym membership at this very fancy gym, which I paid for her, but she barely goes. She doesn't really do what she needs to do to advance in her job. I don't think this is important, but just for completeness of my story, I am about to finish my Ph.D. but she has not graduate from college. Althought, I must say I do not have much interest in dating another PhD.

 

I am just so sad about the idea of breaking up with her. She really is my bestest friend but I am just worried that she is not the one I want to marry. I also worry about her, and how she will handle breaking up. I feel like she needs me, both financially and emotionally. I can't imagine her moving out and living on her own. She has never lived on her own, before she moved in with me she lived with her parents. I have discussed some of these problems with her before, but people don't change, and I think I either need to accept her for what she is or leave.

 

Should I break up with her or be more appreciative of what I have?

[dazedconfused525]

the grass isnt always greener

[shorty20]

this is a very tough situation.... i think sometimes, people think that the feelings you have in the beginning of your relationship should last forever... the fact is they don't. You're not always going to feel the butterflys, and the excitement of a new relationship. And since you guys have been together for so long, maybe your relationship has evolved into a companionship... a friendship... but, I know what you're going through... I think you need to sit down, and find out what you want in a wife... what are the most important things, and does this girl come close to fitting what you want? If not, it's best to end it now. I know it sucks... i dated a guy for 3 years, and then realized I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him, and it was the hardest thing i ever had to do, but it was the best thing I've ever done for myself... and it will be better for her too, because she will be able to find someone who can love her like she deserves, but that is only if you can't. It seems like you really care for this girl.... I would think hard about it... think about what you want in a wife like I said, and if you could possibily get over these little quirks she has.... good luck hun, i hope everything works out...

[Hope75]

You know we can't decide that for you. You know that when a relationship matures and develops over the years that sexual attraction waxes and wanes, and that this is a normal part of a long term relationship. If the college thing bothers you, or her financial irresponsibility, you have to decide if those things will break your relationship, or if you can work on them together.

 

Have you considered that once you've been with someone new for a time, the sexual attraction is likely to wane as well, and you will find that they too have things about them that won't be perfect, and that you may not like?

 

How important are these things to you?

 

It sounds like what you have with your bf is pretty good, maybe what you are feeling is that the relationship is getting stagnant because you aren't movong forward, and after 6 years, you need to either get engaged or break up.

 

Some of us would kill to marry our best friend whom we also love, and have that kind of relationship.

 

What do you think?

[lstguy]

This is an amazing forum, thank you for all the quick replies.

 

The education thing is not important, I think the financial responsbility is important to me. As is just general discipline about things in life. I think my problem is that I feel as if I somehow deserve something better. Maybe wrongly, but I look at myself as someone who is about to earn a PhD, already have a very successful company, am quite well off (both from my own work and family), and in general have my life together. In some sense, and this may be wrong, I feel like I should have this amazing looking girlfriend, who is always there for me, yet is responsible and helps with keeping the house clean, and offers to help pay the bills. Maybe the grass is just greener on the other side.

 

Is it normal for me to look at other girls and think about cheating (again not that I would, but I do think about it)?

 

Thanks again.

[DN]

Actually sometimes people can change if they receive a sufficiently loud wake-up call. Maybe you should try talking to her very seriously and tell her how you are feeling and why. Perhaps she will change and you can fall in love with her again

 

Maybe she deserves a second chance.

[lstguy]

I have tried that before, but I don't think I have ever been serious enough. I will try that, I guess I will tell her that things must change for me, and see how she responds. What is interesting is that she knows about the problems she has, and I do think that she wants to change. But as I am sure you know it is very hard for people to change. Perhaps me being 100% honest with her may be the motivation she needs.

 

I will update my posting to let you know how it goes.

[misery12]

Well, what are you expecting for her to change?

You say you aren't sexually attracted to her anymore. Do you expect her to change this? What can she do? If it's because she's gained some weight, then yes.. she can do something about that.

 

But, you said this probably isn't the reason, and that you feel it's because you feel more like a friend now, than a boyfriend. She cannot do anything to make you feel better. Sure she can strip down and try to turn you on, but if you're not attracted to her anymore, what good does this do?

 

You should talk to her about her financial troubles, and her bad habits when it comes to that, but I think you need to re-think what you're going to do about consulting her about your attraction. Think about her feelings as well, she deserves the up most respect.

[Hope75]

In some sense, and this may be wrong, I feel like I should have this amazing looking girlfriend, who is always there for me, yet is responsible and helps with keeping the house clean, and offers to help pay the bills.

 

Sounds like you are looking for more of a trophy than a girlfriend. You say you love your girl and that she is there for you no matter what, you have a great time together, and she is very supportive of you. You've been with her for six years so obviously there is something keeping you together.

 

It seems that now that you are rising to the top, you want to lose her for someone you can 'show off' on your arm to make others jealous and really think you have it all. It sounds to me like you already have it all, and you are just taking her for granted.

 

 

How old are you, and how old is she? Does she have regular income? Pay any bills? What does she do for work?

 

Sometimes we have to figure out wanting a career change on our own, and you are not helping her any by covering all the bills and taking her out all the time and buying her expensive things. Can you two set up a budget where she pays certain bills, and you sit down once a week and go over money and make sure that the bills are being paid together? Does she compensate for not paying in other ways, like doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, yardwork? Hiring someone to do those things could cost several hundred dollars a month.

 

My bf does very well in his career, we live together and he takes care of alot of the bills right now because I am back in school for a career chance to make more money and to be able to support myself more and contribute more to our home and enjoy vacations and the like. For now I pay what I can and do all the housework and laundry, yardwork, pay for adn shop for groceries... I try to make up for my defecit as best I can until I graduate next year. He is very understanding of that.

 

For a time I was working a fairly low paying job as a vet tech (that I went to college for) and it was getting me nowhere, I felt stuck in a rut. It made me feel worse that my bf paid for so much of our activities and the mortage on his own, though I paid utilites and groceries. Have you talked to your girl about this? Is she happy having no money? Does she want to seriously make a change, and not just talk about it? Do you offer her support and help her try to figure out how?

 

As DN said, sometimes a loud wakeup call is what they need, as in, something is going to chance, or this can't continue.

 

It is normal to look at members of the opposite sex and even fantasize about them but to contemplate actual cheating... no, there is something wrong there. Have you tried to spice up your sex life? How about videos, toys, naughty nighties, etc? Also, what about starting a workout plan with your gf where you both eat better and get more exercise and lose weight together?

 

Six years is a long time to just throw away, but if you feel you've exhausted all your options and are truly unhappy, than maybe moving on is best for you both, so she can find someone to appreciate all her qualities and love her as she is.

[moonunit]

HOLY MOLY are you my ex? lol. man scary.

 

Okay...here's my 2 cents

 

people don't change

 

ah but they do. my ex had mentioned this to me as well but he had neglected mentioning all the little things you mentioned before. he thought i was supposed to know certain things and things that bothered him, but i didn't because he never said anything. i wasn't a mind reader. so i would just suggest you talk to her. have a sit down heart to heart, maybe ask her to think about some things to say to you so it just isn't a one sided conversation.

 

im not quite sure why people say "people don't change" - some do, but if you're expecting her to do a 180 without even letting her know you're unhappy or giving her a chance...

 

About the finances, what you guys can do to spice up your sex life (maybe take small weekends together - GET AWAY FROM YOUR COMFORT ZONE i think this might help. go on some dates again).

[lstguy]

Wow. Thank you all for your responses. I have really amazed.

 

I don't think I am looking for a trophy girlfriend, I am not that bad. But I do want a girlfriend that I am proud of. Many of our friends have gotten upset with us about how it seems she uses me. Most recently one of our friends (I don't know if it was any of his business) was very upset when I bought her nighttime art classes at $1000 each and half way through the term she just dropped the classes because she needed to study for the real estate exam, which she ended up not studying for at all and not taking the test. I think my family sees the same thing and gets fustrated with her, because they see some of the support they given me funneling away to her.

 

As for the question about chores. I would say that she does a few things around the house, but the chores are either shared equally, or I do most of them. I would say that I do the majority of the dishes, cooking, and laundry. She tends to collect a lot of junk, so when it comes time to clean that she does most of the work.

 

I do agree with everyone that I need to have an incredibly serious talk, and not give in to her sad face. I think I am going to suggest that we try to improve things and in three months I think we should be at a position that we either want to get engaged or break up. I have quite a few times mentioned the problems that we are having, so I don't think it will be out of the blue at all. But I think it will be good for her to know how much this is affecting the relationship, and that I do love her, but things need to change.

 

I don't expect her to some how magically make me attracted to her again. I am pretty sure this will come naturally. It is pretty hard to be attracted to someone when they are fustrating you. I also think if she starts taking care of her body like she did when we met and starts dressing nicely again that will help as well.

[Hope75]

It is pretty hard to be attracted to someone when they are fustrating you.

 

I completely agree that this can colour your perception of a person.

 

My question is, why are you buying her these art classes etc? You are letting her take advantage in that way, and by continuing to buy her expensive things like this and after she throws them away you still do it, you teach her nothing of responsibility. If she wants these things, she needs to do the work as well. If you end up later resenting her for it, you shouldn't give her these things to begin with.

 

What your friends think should not matter too much, it's what YOU think that is most important. She can only take advantage of you if you let her.

 

You never mentioned what she does for work, or if she has any of her own money?

 

If you are doing well, why are you accepting handouts from your parents?

 

You are right that you should be accepting and proud of her, how can you be if she is not proud of herself? It's easy in a long term relationship to let things slide and begin to take one another for granted, to not put the relationship as a top priority and then it truly suffers.

 

You are on the right track. Sit down, have a serious heart to heart with her. Tell her things will change, either with her or without her and that you want it to be with her, so you can move forward together as a team, but that you really need 50/50 support and compromise.

 

Make a list of bills each of you will pay, a list of chores and agree to divide them, sit down each week and see if it's being done, learn to work with each other instead of against each other.

 

Make dieting and working out something that you do together. Hit the gym on Sat morning or go for a long walk, decide what you will cut from your diets and make a grocery list together.

 

I think if you really find yourselves supporting each other emotionally there may become a big difference in the way you feel about her.

 

The good news is that you know something needed to change, and now you can set that in motion.

 

Best of luck, and keep us updated!

[sorryJason]

I think maybe you really have to ponder on this situation, if you really, really love this girl and want to be with her your whole life, you might have to do something very drastic, to help her change. Take time apart, and tell her that you can't see her unless she changes, some people can change if given the right motivation, others will never change their ways, because they believe "that's who I am, you are trying to change who I am"

 

I say, that a person can change, the bad things they do, but it still leaves their personality intact, I am sure she probably doesn't like the bad things she does, any more that I liked the things I did, which were way worse.

 

Give her a chance to change, and make sure it sticks, make her realize how much she would miss you if you were gone. Don't give up on love, you never know when you will find someone that will make you as happy as her. I know plenty of people who go their whole lives, having made on mistake and regreting it their whole life, I am one of those people.

 

Don't give up on love, it is the only real power in the world, but I would say make her work for it.

 

I hope this helps a bit. Oh yeah, maybe she just want her to ask her to marry her, don't discount how much this means to a woman, I did, and now I am single because of it!!

[phishgirl]

I broke up with my bf of 4 years because he was controlling. Now, I want him back more than ever because we were so perfect together. Honestly, you REALLY have to consider this first: Do you love her personality? If so, your feelings for her won't change, as this is HER. Weight isn't an issue, because that CAN change, and a little encouragement and straight talk by you will cure this if she loves you and wants to be with you. I regret my decision to break up with my bf, thinking we could've worked things out. PLEASE talk to her first about your issues with her if you're completely willing and WANT to put in the effort to save your relationship IF that's what you truly want. Think long and hard, because if you decide later after you break up that you truly want her there, it will be MUCH harder to rekindle the relationship. Don't let her weight get in your way. Trust only your dedication and love for her.