I know it's a long story, but please, I need some help

[neya]

I met my first boyfriend my first semester of college. The minute I saw him I just knew he was a person I wanted to know. I'd never dated in high school, because I'd always focused so much on school, and was very shy. I just felt comfortable around him. We started dating near thanksgiving. By dec. 3rd we said we were official boyfriend/girlfriend. We only live about 40 mins apart, so I didn't think winter break would present a problem.

Well he was kinda distant at first, for the first 3 weeks of break he was really busy, and we rarely saw each other. He went to NYC to visit some friends. He came back and things were different. He was at my house every day. I never questioned why he never took me to his house to meet his family, because he was so willing to come see me.

The semester started and things became a little shaky. He started wanting to hang out with friends more. We still saw each other, but i started to feel not as important to him. Then I heard the rumors. He was telling people I wasn't his gf. So I confronted him, he denied them, but I still broke up with him. I was so devastated though. And he begged for another chance, saying they weren't true, and he was really gonna miss me. A few days later, I caved. I said I didn't believe the rumors and wanted to work it out. He said, he thought this was probably best for now, because he was graduating and going far away to grad school, so this was best.

I spent a month of my life desperate for him to change his mind. Then i got an email from a girl in nyc, saying she was or at least thought she was bill's gf. She had found out about me (i later found out it was through and email i sent him) and confronted him. He denied everything, but she didn't believe him. So, I emailed her back, saying she needed to speak with me. We talked and I told her everything. I found out how she lived right by us, but was going to grad schoo in NYC. They had taken a "break" but when she got home for christmas break they got back together. He came to see her on christmas break and also on spring break. I can't remember if she said it on the phone that day, but in one of her emails to me she mentioned that he'd asked her to move to his grad school with him, and talked about marriage.

He came crawling back to me, and not to her, or so i thought. Saying he's made a terrible mistake, he just had been with her for so much longer he got really confused, and was afraid to give that up for something new and uncertain, but now he knew I was the one he wanted. He said all the things he would change. He would do anything, work as long as he had to to earn back my trust. He'd make me number one in his life. Make sure I knew his family and friends, and he'd always put me first.

I took the chance. Since the end of april we've been trying to work it out. Things were so bad at first, because i was still in so much pain. We fought a lot. Little issues blew up because of the trauma of him cheating. He started getting really frustrated that I wouldn't grant more trust. I made it clear it had to be completley over with her. No talking or anything, I could stand that. He promised me they didn't even speak. We'd get into arguments because i'd question if she's tried to contact him. He told me i was being paranoid and would make me feel bad sometimes. Other times though, things were great. He introduced me to his family, and they were wonderful to me. He put me before his friends, and spend all his time with me. Not that we both gave up our friends, but he never just left me to go out to a bar or something. He included me with his friends in a lot of stuff. He told me in the middle of june he wanted to marry me. I said i was too young and we were to uncertain but he said he always feel that way and he'd wait til i was ready.

Then things started to get better. I thought it was because I had really strated to forgive. The last 2 weeks of our relationship were just incredible. Then I saw on his cell phone she had called. It was just one call, but he hadn't told me. I hated myself for it, but i did quite a bit of snooping and saw his online phone bill. He'd been calling her all the time. In may there were days he called her three times a day. Most of them were calls that he just left a message. Sometimes there were calls after we'd spent an incredible day togehter and then he'd gone and called her i guess. It appears they only talked about once a week, but he still called her so much. In may he called at least once almost every day. In june the calls slackened off, but I don't know if she began calling him more.

This was monday i discovered it and confronted him. He had gotten a job near my house, and always came over for lunch. When he got there I showed him my info. He got so mad at me, he screamed and yelled, and stormed out. Then he came back wanting to talk. His story is, they were together for over 2 yrs, he did not love her and want to be with her like he felt for me, but that they'd been best friends. She knew him better than anyone. He talked to her because he had trouble dealing with the situation. He had a lot of problems with it, but didn't want to talk to me because he didn't want to upset me. Unfortunatley, i wanted to talk about it with him and know his feelings, but he never told me. Also, he said he was worried about her. She wasn't a stable person. She had been in therapy and on medication before she found out about him cheating, and he was scared she wouldn't finish grad school, or her internship.

He promises me that since she's been home from NYC he hasn't seen her. She wanted to go to the movies once but he said no. He begged me to believe him. He called me monday night hysterical. He said he'd back out of going to georgia tech even though he'd get in troubel for breaking the contract. He said he didn't care, he'd stay here with me. He never had bad intentions and it was only talking. That they'd actually been talking less and less and soon probably not at all. I said if i talked to her i'd probably find out that he still wanted her back and was telling her he wanted to marry her just like he was telling me. He said she coudn't handle it if i just called her up. But, he said he would talk to her and see if she could handle talking to me.

I told him it wouldn't change my decision, that we were over. He said he still wanted me to know the truth. But this is the part i'm really struggling with. If she calls me, can i really believe her. If she's taken all this from so far, would she lie to me for him? also, maybe he's only saying he'll talk to her to manipulate me, and then just plans on saying she can't handle it. But i really want to believe him. Things are over, but i guess i still have this hope it wasn't all a lie, that he really was just talking. That's wrong because he did it behind my back, but i hope it's just that. I also am hoping it's only that, because i really hope he's not a total monster. He's just made some terrible deicisions and been really selfish, but that he does care about me. And if he cares about what he lost then he'll get help. I'd really like to think if i met him in a year he would't do this. I also hope he changes for the sake of anyone else that meets him. Also, is it is wrong to think after some time has gone by, i can call him when he's in atlanta to see how things are? He agreed to leave me alone, so i can get over this.

At first he was calling me incessantly, but i begged him to stop, saying if he cared he'd stop making this hard. So he stopped, but he asked me two things. I told him i felt i really didn't know him that well. He asked me to consider writing him an email, explaining why i feel that way and what could have made me know him better. He said he just wanted to see, if i didn't want a response he would give one. He also told me he's really scared of going to atlanta and facing it, especially without having me. He asked me to call him if i wanted, after he's been there and i've had some time. Is that stupid? also, is it stupid to think he could get help in change? I just need someone to tell me i've done the right thing by ending it, because i still love him so much, and i also need someone to tell me if they think he can change or am i just completely crazy, and also what they think about talking in the future. I had so many hopes for us and a part of me still wants them to come true. So, if anyone can give me some advice, and if they read all this long story, thank you very much.

[lunatic]

WOW that is a long story...

 

Well personally I feel you have done the right thing. This guy has been nothing but, not honest with you since you started dating. I mean he had two girlfriends for a while and got caught. He wanted his cake and eat it too.

 

Dont be fooled by a player sweetie. Your young and you need to live a little bit before you settle down to marry. PLEASE lose this guy for your own benefit. He is a very selfish immature indivual because he is doing what he wants to do. You asked him to stop talking to the other woman and he swore he would. Then you catch him in another lie and confronted him.

 

I know this is a very hard time for you and you will pull thru this but, you need to let him go!

 

Start NC right away!

[Hope75]

I don't think he's going to change, and if you take him back again, I think you are setting yourself up for more hurt.

 

Relationships are based on trust and mutual respect, love and caring for the other's welfare. This guy violates every single one of these values, and then was upset with you when it was taking time for you to learn to trust him. In addition he was lying to you and this other girl, and has recently still been in touch with her.

 

I think you have all the evidence you need right in front of you showing you that you have not been able to trust him, and still cannot trust him, and your heart is having a hard time with it.

 

It's understandable that you can't just turn your feelings off for him and you should know that it will take some time to get over him, but I really think it is for the best that you leave this guy behind, pick up your self respect, and move forward.

 

This way you give yourself a chance to meet someone who would never dream of hurting you like this. If he loved either of you he would never have done this to either of you.Let him go. You deserve more.