Uncertainty

[Boricua7]

Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months. We know we love eachother but it seems our relationship has hit rock bottom and we are both unhappy with how things are going. Neither of us likes the relationship we have now. Right now it seems like we hang out all of the time and when we don't I usually get upset. This makes it difficult for him to tell me when he wants to hang out with his friends because it usually turns into an argument. I know, this is my fault. I just get upset when he makes plans with me and then breaks them to hang out with his friends. Granted, when he says "let's hang out today" he doesn't think he's making set plans. I don't care if he wants to hang out with his friends or just chill out and not hang out at all it just disappoints me when he says he will and then he doesn't. So we talked last night on the phone for a long time and he starts telling me the only conclusion he can come to is that he doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship right now. For some quick history before I continue my story, my last (and only other) relationship was a 3 year relationship in which my boyfriend cheated on my with his exgirlfriend. This left me badly heartbroken and unable to trust easily.....AT ALL. So, when my current boyfriend says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, I'm thinking the worst. So we talk some more and we decide to stay together for the rest of the summer and see how things go. I promise to give him his space and he promises to spend time with me when he says he will. The thing is, I'm really scared I might lose him. I want things to change so that we're both happy but, I don't know, I love him so much that if we broke up I know I'll be devastated for a long time and I don't want to even think that breaking up is a possibility, even though I know it is. It's hard for me to give him his space because we have the same friends so I can't just hang out without him because they're his friends too and he'd probably be hanging out with them too. I don't have any other close friends that I want to spend my time with. I need some advice, badly.

[Ryanny86]

The thing I would do is give him the space he's asking for. If you smother him when he is asking for space, his desire to get out the relationship will grow even stronger. I know this from a recent experience with my boyfriend. He said he wanted a one month break and I went ballistic. My insecurities with trust arose and I wouldn't let him out of my sight. The next thing I know he wanted to break up and I was devastated for a month. So I let him go... didn't contact him for weeks. During that time he called me one night and said he missed me... and he wanted me back. So I guess this proves that "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" is a true statement.

 

I wish you the best.

[UTgirl18]

I understand how you feel, and i would be pissed if my boyfriend kept canceling our time together to hang out with his friends. I think you both need to sit down and give each other feedback on what you want out of the realationship, why you love each other, and something you wish the other would change. I promise it helps. My boyfriend and i do it occasionally and even though it can hurt sometimes, it helps. Just make sure you dont take all the time away from him and his friends, and if his friends are doing something on a night you and him have plans, let him go and see if you can go with them.

hope this helps

[djedix]

I've had g/fs leave me in the past. and yes it's hard to trust people after that. But you got to realize what your doing to him... You're driving him crazy, and your driving yourself crazy..... Your making him feel like he has to constantly check in with you right? You always sit around and think the worst is going to happen, and worry, and sit home crying or something? I know. I do the same thing to my g/f. And i don't want to do this to her anymore, because like you said, the break up will happen. You need to give him space. Just like i need to give my G/F space. You need to learn to trust again, because if you don't your going to go from relationship to relationship doing the same thing.

 

the past sucks, and your not going to froget all the bad stuff that has happened to you. Don't let it hinder your future. take that book that says "past" on it and put it up on the bookshelf, yes it's there, but it was just a volume in the books in your entire life. You need to let go. Find yourself again. Trust them, because they are with us, and they love us. If they didn't they would cheat or they would leave.

 

You need to stop, and you need to change if you love him. Just like I need to change if i want to save my relationship. And if something does happen, guess what? it's not on your shoulders, because you trusted them. Life sucks, people suck. But you can't control anything in this universe except yourself. You cant control your b/f. I can't control my g/f, because when we do, they don't want to be in the relationship.

 

I hope this helps. it helped myself when i wrote it.

[Tigris]

Good advice Djedix, I agree.

 

My husband had been badly hurt by his previous relationship. I told him that I wasn't that person and I wasn't going to do what she did. It helped him to relax but he still had a small doubt in his mind. We're still together 13 years later!

 

If you love him, you've got to learn to trust him. Find yourself a hobby that will fill in the time you're apart. You could sign up for a course. It doesn't have to be an educational one. It could be flower arranging, decoupage, learning massage techniques, etc.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Kookie]

Being clingy isn't attractive.

[Babetears]

i have to agree with djedix.. space is what my b/f is not giving me.. he's making me feel like i have to constantly check in with him.. call him when i'm going to work, call him when i get off from work, let him know who i am with... i don't like that... it's driving me crazy.. it's making me not wanting to stay with him.. because he want to be with me all the time i feel like i don't even get to hang out with my friends no more.. even when i am hanging out with my friends he would tag along... he's not giving me much time to hangout with my family too...

 

last night i just told him to give me a month off... i just can't stand it anymore.. i don't know what's going to happen after a month..

 

but so far giving each other space is a must... without space in a relationship is asking for a break up..

[djedix]

The hardest part, thou is trying to follow that advice i gave.

 

I'm trying now, and its hard, it's so hard. But no one said love was easy. You know i got stiffed by my ex because she didn't wana get married. so i got a wall up around me, which maybe eventually in time will go away. If it doesn't thou, i will loose this girl, and i know that now more then ever.

[Boricua7]

Thank you everyone who replied. I just want you all to know you really helped!

 

UTgirl18: Thanks for the idea of tagging along. I never wanted to ask to hang out when he was with his friends because I thought I'd be imposing or I wasn't wanted. It turns out he was estatic when I actually wanted to be around his friends! Apparently he thought I didn't like his friends and thats why when we hung out, it was always just us. Thanks also for the idea of talking to eachother about what we want out of our relationship. We've always communicated well but it seems that we both didn't want to hurt eachother's feelings. Now that all is out in the open we're both A LOT happier!

 

Babetears: Thanks for letting me know how much your boyfriend tagging along with you all the time bothered you. I'll take this into MUCH consideration now that we go out together with eachother's friends.

 

Kookie: Thanks for being so blunt. I didn't want to admit it to myself but I know now that I kind of am clingy and I'm changing that.

 

Tigris: I'm taking up hobbies to occupy my time so that my boyfriend isn't the only thing I'm thinking about. Thanks for that advice! My boyfriend was so happy about that idea that now we even have things we do together, like Tae Kwon Do.

 

Last but not least,

Djedix: I really appreciate you reminding me that I have to trust my boyfriend despite the past. He's not the one who hurt me so there really is no reason not to trust him. It seems you understood what I was going through the most. I'm giving my boyfriend the space he keeps longing. I know now that the more I clung to him the more he craved space. Now that I'm giving him space, he's the one getting tweaked when we don't hang out! So, thank you!