Should I take him back?

[Ryanny86]

Hey, I'm new to the forum. I'm 18.. turning 19 in September. I was looking for break up help and this site really helped me out. But I'm still having a hard time, so I decided to post.

 

I was dumped about one month ago by my boyfriend of six months. It was the most painful experience of my life... he was my first love, etc.. all the cliché stuff.

 

However, it wasn't a clean break. At first it all started out with him suggesting we take a one month break. Of course I was upset. He met some other guys at a gay club... they became friends. He said he wanted to spend time with other people besides me.. you know, just have some friends to hang out with. I was understanding. I said he could have friends and still be with me. But he wanted me out of the picture completely. This was just the beginning of the heartache.

 

Later I visited his house, which is 2 hours away from me. When he arrived home from work, he said he didn't want to see me anymore. It was over and that I needed to go home. He proceeded to tell me everything he disliked about me and how much better his new love interest was compared to me. My self esteem was crushed. I knew something was going wrong, but I never thought it would come to this.

 

Instead of ignoring me and allowing me to grieve, he continues to call me days later. My hopes were up and down. I thought he had made a mistake and decided to get back together with me. I asked him constantly, "What's going on?". I was so confused. He would always give me vague answers, and nothing I wanted to hear.

 

And then I begged and pleaded for him to stay with me. I told him I was thinking of suicide and even considering checking into a clinic. He was worried that I was contemplating that. I told him to please tell me that he still loved me. He said "No, I've lost all those feelings for you." He just kept tearing me apart, piece by piece. I wondered how someone so loving just days earlier could become this monster.

 

So I told myself not to call him anymore. The relationship will never work, and I should move on. Weeks past and I began to re cooperate. One day while I was at work he calls me. I was so surprised... we hadn't talked in a month. I pretended to be happy and told him my life was going great. However, I was still in love with him. We talked for a long time about the usual things. Then he says that "he misses me" and that "he regrets everything he said" and "Can I take you out sometime?" and "I was confused". WHY WAS HE DOING THIS TO ME? He put me through emotion hell for a month and he thinks I'll take him back after what he did to me? However, the only thing he confessed about cheating was that he kissed another guy. He told me he had no love life.

 

I thought of many theories. Maybe he's just tired of having his fling. Maybe he got turned down and I'm the rebound. Maybe he truly was confused. He's a very mentally unstable person.

 

I want to hold on to him, but then I don't because giving my heart to him again could mean much more heartache in the future. I know most of you will say "he's no good" but I love this person more than life itself. What if giving him a second chance could mean that we could be together and be happy? I might miss a great opportunity. The other part of me is telling me "How could you take this person back after all he put you through?" He keeps toying with me like I have no feelings whatsoever. I honestly don't know, I'm very confused.

[DN]

When young and in relationships people do get confused and wonder if they should take breaks. And when breaking up they get nasty be cause they are nervous about doing it and over-react.

 

Give him a chance but guard your heart - make sure he is sincere before fully committing to the relationship again

 

But --- what is the deal with the gay bar. You don't specify your gender and sexual orientation. Could you explain that a little more because if you are female and he is confused about his sexuality you have a whole different set of problems?

 

If you are a gay male then try again and see if he is sincere.

[misery12]

We're pretty much in the same boat..

My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago from a 5-6 month relationship, and in the beginning it was hard. But we started hanging out more, and more.. and then she started getting these mixed signals.

I think that's why you're confused.. one day he says one thing, and then he randomly calls you up when it's good for him, and totally changes your life around, once again.

 

My decision has been this.. I am not talking to my ex unless she talks to me.. and if she EVER wants to be with me again, she has to respect me, as I do her.. and if she doesn't, I will NOT hesistate to walk. Neither should you.

 

I think you should talk to him, seriously.. and ask him if you get back together, is he going to be playing with your heart, and toy with your feelings as if they're a game. If he assures you he'll be loving/caring/respectful, the whole nine.. and you're willing to give him another shot, then go for it.

 

BUT, know that if it doesn't work out.. you have the power, and the self-motivation to drop him, move on with your life, and be emotionally successful with another person. You do NOT need this man to be happy, and he may not be the one. Give it a shot, and if things don't work out.. then it's to your benefit because then you can go out there and find the guy who is 'the one'.

 

Keep your head up, and your dignity in mind. Don't let him disrespect you in anyway, once he realizes that you are serious, and you're not taking any **** this time around, he'll start respecting you, since you respect yourself. Have confidence, and good things will shortly follow..

 

Good Luck.

[jna35]

Yikes!!! I am sorry you are hurting. I guess, it boils down to what YOU want for yourself? Are you willing to take the chance that he will stomp all over your heart again? I don't know as if I would rush right back in. I understand that you love him, but that said, it may be better to take some time to heal first. It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Love doesn't tear you down or treat you with disrespect, so keep that in mind. Good luck to you!

[Ryanny86]

If you are a gay male then try again and see if he is sincere.

 

Yeah, I guess I should fill you in. I'm gay and he's gay... he's 24. I think the age difference does affect the relationship.

 

He has had lots of problems in his life. He was on drugs for awhile.. and I met him in the "aftermath" of all his drama. I reflected a lot, and I realized I was playing the "savior".

 

He's not the type of person to open up with his feelings. He's very... complicated. But that's one of the things I like about him. I wanted to figure him out. Sometimes I don't like that he keeps things from me. He's very private. But also very honest and straight forward, which hurts me sometimes.

 

One of my major concerns now is not getting him back, but how I'm going to feel to be with him again. I wonder if things will be same. I'm also fearful of getting hurt. I don't want to go through that again.

[jna35]

Unfortunately, there's always the risk that you will get hurt when entering any relationship. Before you make any decisions, sit down and have a heart to heart with him.

[DN]

Yes, there is always a risk. I guess you have to balance whether you can risk being hurt again against the regret you may feel that you didn't take the risk.

 

Decide what you want from him as best you can - now, and in the long term. Then tell him what it is that you want and expect and see if he can do that. Be as sure as possible that he is sincere and has thought through his answer.

 

 

If he cannot offer you what you want, or you have strong doubts or reservations that he can do what he says, then walk away.

[Ryanny86]

We talked again today and I told him I had lots of doubts about getting into the relationship again. I told him that I don't fully trust him anymore, and it will be awhile before I do. He says he's been trying to reach me for awhile, but I was at work or sleeping... and he wants to take me out to dinner at this fancy restaurant this weekend. I feel like he's being sincere.

 

I don't have that feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore (probably caused by anxiety) that I had when he first proposed getting back together. I'm just going to trust my instincts and take things slow though. I'm still not fully healed, but I'm really happy honestly that things are going back the way they were.

[DN]

Good luck - and guard your heart