Boyfriend looking at porn

[MissDiddl]

Hi Everyone

 

My boyfriend gave me his password to his email address a while ago. I have never felt the need to go in there to look at it but he has been acting strange lately and I went into his email account to check if anything is going on yesterday.

 

I found porn emails forwarded from his work email account on to his hotmail account. He also copied them on to his other account. This is really upsetting me and I confronted him about it. He said he doesnt know how it got there. He also said that he looks at porn when he is at work and its sent to him but he doesnt forward it on to himself. The answers he is giving me are really confusing.

 

I also found porn on his laptop about 6 months ago and he said it doesnt belong to him but to his friends and that they look at it.

 

This whole thing makes me feel like he is cheating on me, like i'm not enough and I feel really betrayed.

 

Can someone tell me if I'm overreacting? I feel like a psycho girlfriend but this is making me sick to the point when I have to vomit.

[jna35]

Everyone has a different feeling when it comes to porn. I wouldn't like it if I found it on my significant other's computer either. It's obvious you are not comfortable with him looking at it especially since it seems to be behind your back. I would talk to him and let him know how much it bothers you and why. If he respects you, he'll leave the porn behind or at least make a compromise you can both live with.

[darkblue]

You're over reacting.

[MissDiddl]

I did speak to him about it. He said it wasn't him. That he didn't forward it on to his account blah blah blah

 

He is giving me confusing answers. He said he wouldn't like it if I was looking at porn and he doesn't do that sort of stuff.

 

I think its just the shock of seeing it that made me so upset.

[darkblue]

He's embarrassed. Of course he isn't going to act natural.

 

Personally, I don't see why it's a big deal. These women aren't a direct threat to you. He'll never meet them, he knows nothing of them and he is seeing you.

[MissDiddl]

I understand what you are saying but it makes me feel betrayed. If we're in bed together I'm gonna be thinking " is he thinking of me now or someone else "...

[darkblue]

If he were thinking of someone else, he'd be looking for someone else.

 

Don't take this personally. I don't believe it is a major relationship problem.

 

If it really bothers you that much, talk to him; tell him how you are uncomfortable and feel in competition with these other girls.

 

Remember, they are paid to be porn stars. You are his girlfriend, you're not expected to have the biggest bust in the world. He isn't looking for a sleazy quickie with you. You are for the long run. These girls are .. relief.

 

If you put yourself in his shoes; you would see why he doesn't want to talk about it. He may also feel like it's a betrayel.

 

I don't think it is though.

[Magnum1313]

He's right, you have very little to worry about. Most guys get a little, well, bored with just one partner. Porn is a way to satisfy that boredom without leaving whoever they're with. Chances are they'll never meet the person in the picture/movie, and they probably don't really want to leave their girlfriend or wife for that person anyways. If you don't like that idea then look at it this way - better than him cheating on you, isn't it? And if he didn't look at porn there'd be much more of an urge to cheat on you. Again, it's nothing you've done wrong, it's really just how most guys are, whether or not they like to admit it.

[darkblue]

I wouldn't phrase it that way. I don't know if he would be more likely to 'cheat' on you. But I do think he'd have more built up sexual frustration.

 

It's best for him, he might have a large sexual drive.

 

This Is Not Personal.

[RayKay]

I understand what you are saying but it makes me feel betrayed. If we're in bed together I'm gonna be thinking " is he thinking of me now or someone else "...

 

Well even without porn that could happen....you do not need to see someone naked to fantasize about somebody else. But you do need to trust that he is with you, for you, loves you and is attracted to you. Worrying about things like that is more about insecurity then reality.

 

Both men and women use porn at times...maybe he is denying it as he is embarrassed, or knows it would hurt you, or that you would get angry.How did you "confront" him about it? Was it sitting down and having an honest discussion about how it made you FEEL, or was it an attack?

 

You WOULD have a big problem if somehow the porn was all he cared about, and it was meaning YOUR sex life with him was seriously suffering. That being said, I also believe if it does hurt a partner, the other partner has the responsibility to discuss this and find solutions with that partner out of respect for them too.

 

Trust me, you would get VERY worn out if he let out his sexual thoughts every time he had the urge on you!

[darkblue]

But you do need to trust that he is with you, for you, loves you and is attracted to you

 

I refrained from saying that because Misdiddl didn't actually say it...

[MissDiddl]

The way I confronted him was that I asked him if he was still looking at porn because I found it on his laptop about 6 months ago. It was laid back. I didnt attack him. He was lying down on the bed and we were jus talking.

 

He said he doesn't look at it anymore. I asked him about one photo in particular that I know he looked at because its marked as read on his email account. He said he never saw it. And when I told him that I went into his account to see if he was still doing it, he said that the photos are not his, that someone else forwarded them on from his work email address to his private address (this i find hard to believe and thats where the confusion starts).

 

The reason I went into his email in the first place is that lately he couldn't get it up when we were about to have sex. We've been together for 2.5 years now and he doesn't have much of a sex drive anymore where as I am completely different.

 

His reasons for that is that he has stomach pain and that makes him not want to have sex (again i find this confusing).

[darkblue]

One word - viagra

[MissDiddl]

LOL I have been thinking the same thing for a while now.

 

I know he loves me and is attracted to me. For the same reason I didn't understand why he is looking at porn.

 

I understand it a bit better now. Its a guy thing and I have to accept it. I asked him not to do it out of respect for me anymore and hopefully he will stop.

 

He said he wouldn't like it if he found porn on my laptop.

[darkblue]

He wouldn't want to find porn on your laptop because he would be equally threatened.

 

It's human nature.

 

Maybe you could try and spice things up a little. Viagra is also a good idea to get into the mood.

 

Have some fun with it. You've got a boyfriend, Why not?

[MissDiddl]

We have been together for 2.5 years now. I'm 20 and hes 22. We still live with our parents.

 

I am much more adventerous in bed than he is. I'm always up for it 24/7 whereas it is fine for him to do it once a week.

 

I think I'm more sexually frustrated than he is. I'll try and spice things up a little but as you said previously. Its human nature. He will look at it regardless of whether we have it once a week or 3 times a day.

[darkblue]

Make him wait a while then give him something in the bedroom that he'll never forget and will never think twice about 'Saucy Sue' again.

[MissDiddl]

ahaha

 

yeh that sounds like fun

 

thanks for all your help.

 

you have helped me understand him better and why does what he does

[darkblue]

No problem, anytime. Let us know how it goes [minus explicate detail

 

Good Luck and Have Fun

[harlequin45]

I broke up with my exgirlfriend for this very reason. It was very detrimental for me to realize that I had a problem with sex addiction. I first thought, "Sex Addiction???" What's that? But after a while, I realized that I couldn't stop it. It broke up my relationship. But it was all my unwillingness to focus on my problems rather than on her problems. I thought there was something wrong with everyone else. The best thing you can do is look into sex addiction, read a book called Conversations With God, and state blatantly what you will and won't put up with. And then take care of yourself. I found this out the hard way. Take care, Good luck!

[darkblue]

I don't believe it's a sex addiction MissDiddl, or you would have found out a lot sooner. There would be much more evidence than a few emails.

[Shadows Light]

Hey.... great book to read...

 

by Lou Paget... How to be a Great Lover...

Girlfriend -to- Girl Friend... Totally explicit techniques that will

totally blow his mind.

 

Maybe try spicing things up a bit or changing things up. Different rooms. Different positions. Different techniques.

 

Book is excellent.... even if you think you know it all.. OMG.. tonz to learn.

and help you understand your body as well as his. And the way his mind works.

 

Give it a whirl.

 

---------------> Not discounting the Porn thing. You need to talk to him in a non- accusing way. I think everyone view porn. Maybe to get new ideas. Maybe to be a better lover. For me... seen one seen em all. My X was the porn king... and ya know.. it did start bothering me after a while. He was using porn as foreplay...before coming to me. And I really really felt bad. As if I wasn't enough. Maybe,,,, if you can't talk to him... lead by example and read some books yourself. Like the one mentioned above... if all goes well and he likes new techniques you've found.. you can make a game of it and challenge each other to new and exciting ways of spicing it up. Thinks might perk up. He might be less driven to use porn as a gateway. If there's something else going on.. .Physically, then yeah, he needs to go talk to someone.

 

Try to be loving and non-confrontational in your approach. And I do suggest the lead by example.... change things up.

[Shadows Light]

oooooooooooooooopppppppppppppsssssssss............

 

I just read one of your posts that said you live with your parents.

 

Do you live with your parents or his????????? Because I will tell you. That if you live with your parents... his lack of nooky nook nook...might be and most probably is to being uncomfortable under someone elses roof. IE.. guilt, or sex sounds or knowing someone may hear you.

 

First hand experience here. Nothing kills a sex life quicker than knowing parents are on the other side of the wall and might hear. Heck, or even the thought they know what you might be doing is enough to deflate the ol.... libido.

 

I think that may be the gist of your problems there darlin. Have u talked to him about this aspect of it.

[Hope75]

While I tend not to think viewing porn in itself is a problem, the fact that your sex life has gone down hill, and that he's clearly lying to you about it, makes it a problem.

 

As Raykay said, are you sure the way you are approaching him isn't in attack mode? If you put him on the defense he is more likely to lie...still not an excuse to lie to you.

 

It's really up to you what you are willing to accept. If you find him viewing porn as a threat to you and he no longer wants to have sex with you, is that ok with you?

 

Have you tried watching porn with him?

[Flora]

I understand what you are saying but it makes me feel betrayed. If we're in bed together I'm gonna be thinking " is he thinking of me now or someone else "...

 

he thinks about other people sometimes...sorry, but he also thinks about you. They all do that. I do that...sheesh.