Obsessed?

[Puresound]

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of 1.5 years 4 (going on 5) months ago, because she did somethings that hurt me (went to go see movies with other people we had planned on seeing together, some small lying, etc.). And shortly after I broke up with her (around a couple weeks), I realized that I still really loved her and I was being stupid but she didn't want me back, and after that I got extremely depressed and obsessively tried to contact her. This was my first relationship ever and I had trouble dealing with it, however, I have not spoken to her in almost 3 months now, but I still really love her.

 

Atleast I think I love her. I think about her many times a day, and wonder how she is, and I miss being with her, and lots of things about her. I wonder if I am still in love with her, or if I am just obsessed with her. I have dated one other person in the mean time but realized that I couldn't enter a relationship when I was still in love with the other person. She has a new boyfriend who is the exact opposite of me (I am going into law school, and am somewhat well off from my family), and he is a tattoo artist and truck driver. She still lives with her mother (she is 19 going on 20), and goes to community college, and her mother and I never got along (her mother is extremely evangelical and conservative, and I am a moderate Roman Catholic).

 

I don't know what to do with my feelings anymore, because I know I can't date someone, if I still love her, but I don't think that she'd want to hear from me, because it would just hurt her, and I don't want to make her sad, and if she is happy with this new guy I want her to be happy, but I just miss her so much. I cry maybe once every two weeks when I think about how I lost her, not long cries like when we first broke up, but I do get sad about it. I spent lots of time with my friends, etc, but I still miss her a lot.

 

I have dream about her maybe once or twice a week (that I remember), mostly about her and I meeting accidently and then getting back together when she realizes how much she loves me.

 

Any thoughts?

[jna35]

One word of advice is to learn from your mistakes in this relationship. So she went to a movie you guys were going to see together. In the grand scheme of things that's not a big deal. I'm sorry you are hurting now. Let her go and allow her to be happy with whomever she chooses to be with. You mentioned he is a tattoo artist and a truck driver. What difference does that make? Obviously she sees something in him that she likes. I would suggest you go out with friends and meet some new people. Obsessing over her will not endear her to you and it sounds as if she's moved on and as hard as it is I suggest you do the same. Good luck to you!

[Puresound]

Well it's hard to explain why the movie thing was a big deal, but there were many extenuating circumstances like, it happened a few times, it was sometimes with just one guy who she admitted she was attracted to, I was extremely sick and instead of visiting me she went to the movies, and then told me she didn't get off work till midnight when she was out to them, etc.

[RayKay]

I agree with jna....you need to learn from the relationship rather then dwell on it...and also why put him down just because he is "opposite" of you...there is nothing wrong with what he does for his career. It does not mean he is not a good person or she does not have right to love him for what she sees. Nor am I sure why you say "she is living at home and going to community college" as if it is a bad thing either...her choices, her life and nothing is better than what someone else does.

 

The more you obsess over someone, the greater you build them up in your own mind. Honestly, you SHOULD date others to get out there. Not every date needs to be a relationship! You need to discover there are other women out there - no not your ex, but different, and special in their own right. Just go in with an attitude of having fun, not marrying them or something...

 

You need to focus your energy on something other than thoughts of your ex. Go to the gym, find a team to play on, anything to give you a new direction for your energy and thoughts and meet some people along the way.

 

Trust that time heals, and at your age there ARE many more chances to meet and date other lovely women in your future.

[RayKay]

Well it's hard to explain why the movie thing was a big deal, but there were many extenuating circumstances like, it happened a few times, it was sometimes with just one guy who she admitted she was attracted to, I was extremely sick and instead of visiting me she went to the movies, and then told me she didn't get off work till midnight when she was out to them, etc.

 

So then she was dishonest and she hurt you....why do you even want her back? You deserve better meaning someone who is honest and committed to you. Move on.

[Puresound]

I didn't mean that I sit at home and mope constantly because I have a rather active educational and social life, but I do not want to date people casually. I really don't see the point, I wouldn't date someone if I didn't think that I could possibly marry them, because isn't that the point of dating?

[RayKay]

I didn't mean that I sit at home and mope constantly because I have a rather active educational and social life, but I do not want to date people casually. I really don't see the point, I wouldn't date someone if I didn't think that I could possibly marry them, because isn't that the point of dating?

 

 

BZZZZT!

 

This honestly is the mindset that gets some people into bad relationships. The point of dating is to meet different people and find out what you do want and what you don't want in a partner. Too many people think a "first date" means "marriage". No no no. Dating allows you to get to know a person to determine whether they really ARE a potential partner. Because honestly, in the first few dates, you don't really know if this is the REAL person you are seeing. Honestly, before you start dating them how can you know they are someone you would "possibly marry them"? You don't really have chance to know THEM, nor do you even get a chance to KNOW them if you rule them out automatically from ever dating at all.

 

It is also why so many people get so disappointed.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with dating someone realizing it is not going to work and moving on. Why try and make something work for months on end that only started as a couple dates. '

 

When the right person comes along, you will KNOW, and one date will turn into more.

[jna35]

I agree with RayKay. Why not just move on? I wouldn't want to be with someone that lies . As for not dating casually, well how else are you going to meet the one you wish to marry? She certainly doesn't sound like the right one for you. BTW, not everyone dates with the intention to marry. Also, I can see wanting to date people that share your morals and values, but there is nothing wrong with casual dating. That's how you get to know people.

[Tigris]

I agree with Jna.

 

However, I also think that once you get to Law School you'll find someone more suited to you!

 

Good Luck

 

 

P.S. What does BTW mean?

[jna35]

BTW means by the way.

[Tigris]

Thank you Jna. I'm still learning the language.