What is this feeling?

[Insecure]

It will be 4 months in a few days. At the beginning, there was that new relationship excitement. That faded soon, and what I was left with was her feeling much more secure about her feelings for me, and me feeling not so sure. Why wasn't I sure? Because I didn't feel what she felt (presumably). More often than not I look at her and I feel nothing really. But I have never felt like I didn't want to be with her. Make sense? She's there, and I like her there, because when I think of her not being there, I get sick to my stomach. Now I get nervous, a lot. It's the butterflies feeling in your stomach. I have this anxiety, but I don't know exaclty what it is. I think that my head realizes that I'm not feeling head over heels for her and my stomach starts to panic.

 

So:

 

Sometimes I don't feel anything for her. Don't read that as "I feel like I don't want to be with her". That's not it. It's more of a comfort thing I think. She's there and she's a part of my life and that's that.

 

I never feel like I don't want to be around her or talk to her.

 

She's the absolute best to me.

 

I get brief bursts of "firewroks", if you will, every now and again.

 

When I think to myself "I don't care about her.", "this will fail", "we should break up", I get sick to my stomach with anxiety.

 

She seems to be much more in tune with these warm tingly feelings for me, and she says that she is probally falling for me. I don't know if I'm falling for her, and that scares me as well.

 

Is there anything wrong with looking at her and not feeling a rush of fireworks and emotions? Is it because I'm a guy and she's a girl and that's the way things are, she'll be more emotional more often than I will?

[Insecure]

By the way, she knows how I feel, our relationship is all about being ourselves and honest and open. Communication isn't a problem. That was just so I don't get "tell her how you feel" responses, thanks again.

[thegirl_00]

Have u had a bad experience with relatoinships in your past? Maybe your afraid to get hurt by this girl so your not letting yourself care for her? or maybe do u just like having her around for her to care about you?

You are a very anxious person, as am i. Being anxious can make life and relationships complicated and very confusing. Write some questions down on paper as to why you dont have the same feelings for her as she does for you. This could help make your love life a little easier.

[Insecure]

I have had one other relationship that passed the 3 mo mark, a year ago. I was so stupid back then, and I ended up cheating on her, allowing myself to get into tempting situations when I was feeling down and broken. ADVICE: infidelity is never a good thing. I can say that the guilt was the most overpowering emotion I've ever felt. The regret as well, by the way. Also, when I confessed we tried to work it out, and what happened was that i began to fall for her without her falling for me. She left me some mothns afterward, and this next part is interesting:

 

When she left, the pain I felt was so intense it spiraled me into this anxiety blitz. I couldn't eat and was throwing up a lot. That physical reaction is the same thing I feel now, only with less vomiting and no real trouble eating, only back then it was sparked by the hurt, a hurt I don't feel now (obviously).

 

As for the questions, see that's the problem. I can easily list all the things I love about her. I can't list anything I don't like, and if I can, I promise it's something small. I don't know why I'm not feeling what she is feeling, a theory I'm contemplating is that I'm scaring myself when I don't swoon over her, which I think is normal anyway when things get comfrtable, and I get afraid about feeling that anxiety, what a vicious stupid cycle. I think that anxiety is getting in the way of what I truly feel, stopping me from safley reaching out and letting her into my heart and putting mine in her hands, if it's not there already.

[CATLOVER]

Hmmm ok well only you know how you feel but the problem for you is clarity.

I dont have the answers but I can tell you many years ago I went out with and nearly married a guy whom I had feelings for similar to what your explaining. After me pushing an pulling the poor guy all over the place and nearly doing my own head in I realised that I wouldnt be able to marry him and I couldnt imagine being with him forever. You see I loved him dearly but was not in love with him.

Now further along my journey and only recently actually I ended up with a boyfriend who felt as your feeling now, and everything he said and did became a mixed message. He said the same things you said. He said I really like to be with you and I miss you and your so kind to me but sometimes it just doesnt feel enough.I gavehim more time but in the end I just couldnt spend anymore time being with someone who is not certain and anxious about how they feel...think I deserve better.

So from these two experiences all I can say is that if someone is feeling not quite right about the relationship on any level whether it be you or the other person its really an intuition thing of knowing something isnt quite clicking. You need to listen to the internal messages you are getting...Remember your girlfriend may be really close to being right for you and you obviously love her as a person....but is that enough for your long term happiness and hers for that matter.

Anyway all food for thought for you

Best of Luck

CATLOVER

[Miss M]

Very often, severe anxiety is rooted in something that is very different and separate from the situation in which it is manifesting. Even that previous relationship which seems to be partly triggering the anxiety with this new relationship, could not have been the cause of your anxiety at that time. It's very likely the anxiety is still rooted in something else entirely, especially when it's as strong as what you're describing. It might be helpful to get some counseling to see if you can trace the original cause of the anxiety, trying to work on it at that deeper level.

 

Also, from what you wrote it seems that your "flat" feelings are possibly a safe haven for you? It seems that when you're able to feel good emotional feelings for her, you suffer anxiety. And also when you contemplate breaking up, you feel anxiety. So could it be that the safe middle place... the flat feelings of nothing... are a way to escape the horrible anxiety that seem to accompany having feelings of "yea" or "nay"? If giving space to your feelings is causing you to panic in these very unpleasant ways, maybe it's just safer and easier to not have feelings at all?

 

Also, when you wrote the following...

because when I think of her not being there, I get sick to my stomach.

 

When I think to myself "I don't care about her.", "this will fail", "we should break up", I get sick to my stomach with anxiety.

 

I think that my head realizes that I'm not feeling head over heels for her and my stomach starts to panic.

All of this seems to suggest that you're letting the anxiety rule your decisions about this relationship. Are you staying with her because breaking up with her is just too physically and emotionally overwhelming for you? Are you staying with her as a way to avoid the anxiety? If so, that's doesn't seem like a good way to have a relationship, not the right reasons to stay, and not fair to her.

 

But it could also be that you really do care very deeply about her, but maybe those "caring" feelings are also overwhelming you. Either way, trying to manage the anxiety by trying to manage the relationship is not the solution. Getting to the underlying root of what's causing that anxiety seems the best idea. And deep under the surface, it's very possible it's not really about this relationship at all. These relationships are just triggering what's really bothering you.

[Insecure]

It maybe something else. but:

 

this all came about a little while ago. I thought she was getting a much deeper satisfaction all the time from being with me, and I felt i was not. i paniced, we talked, we broke up, we promtply got back together. She's so great, I wanna hold on to her as tight as possible, I wanted to see what was up. Her and I talked, and I talked to some friends of mine and they all told me the same thing, it's unrealistic to feel fireworks or head over heels or what not, all the time. Alot of the time it's like being with a good friend, a best friend. You talk, you hang out, and they're there and it's nice. The anxiety started right before that brief break up.

 

Sometimes I think, who am I kidding? I get this anxiety from worrying about the future, but, if I didn't care, why the hell would I want to throw up just thinking about us not together. Sometimes it's like, she's the best, so great, why wouldn't I want her here. I'm so lucky. What the hell is this ting? I woke up today, after a stress free sleep, anxious. That leads me to believe it's soemthing else b/c, how the hell can i not even think about what may happen and be anxious? Maybe it is something else.

[Miss M]

I talked to some friends of mine and they all told me the same thing, it's unrealistic to feel fireworks or head over heels or what not, all the time. Alot of the time it's like being with a good friend, a best friend.

Very true. Once you settle into the relationship, it shifts into something very different from the first heady fireworks. And yes, after that it's perfectly normal to not feel fireworks all the time. Absolutely correct.

 

Sometimes I think, who am I kidding? I get this anxiety from worrying about the future, but, if I didn't care, why the hell would I want to throw up just thinking about us not together.

However, this part... feeling like throwing up when you're just assessing how the relationship is going... that is not at all normal. Severe anxiety is affecting the entire nervous system. The stomach has a higher proportion of nerve endings than the rest of the body. That's one of the reasons anxiety manifests in stomach upset, nauseousness, vomiting, ulcers, loss of appetite. It also can manifest in dizziness, trouble breathing. So obviously, anxiety is not just a feeling because it does affect the entire physiology. Also, worrying about the future does not cause this kind of anxiety. That's also not normal and indicates that you need some help with this.

 

And it is clearly anxiety that happening when you contemplate your feelings in this relationship, and that ends up with you feeling the need to throw up. This level of anxiety is horrible. (I also suffer with it in a different way, so I do understand.) It's a clue that there's something bothering you at a deep level. It could even be strictly a physiological cause. I'd really advise that you seek professional help, first a regular doctor to rule out a physical dysfunction, then go from there.

 

Anxiety like this obscures what's really happening in relationships so it's difficult to make rational and clear-headed decisions. And you can't have a healthy and balanced relationship where your behavior in it is being governed by your anxiety. It just won't work. It seems as if you're using the relationship to manage your anxiety. If so, you're just delaying the inevitable. I'd suggest stop trying to do this alone and get some help.

 

I woke up today, after a stress free sleep, anxious.

So did I. Very horrible.

You have my sympathies.

[starion]

very interesing, i can't seem to put a finger on what the hell is going on.

it has nothing to do with fireworks or lack of them, it is just something else, i can't put it in words, but you somehow did.

i get this anxiety a lot too and and i just don't understand sometimes why can't i calm down and enjoy things.

a big breakup happened between us and it is probably contributing to all this uneasy feelings, but why can't i just move "forward"

subconsious fear of things not working out? subconsious fear of not having the "right" feelings, just like you said yourself? trauma of the breakup and getting back together and all the subconsious processes that go along with it? i have not idea myself and have been seeking these answers, just hoping that with time things will "settle" down and i can find my peace.

[Insecure]

I am beginning to think that I am afraid of being afraid, and of not feeling for her what she feels for me, but then again, I don't even know what that feeling is. What is love? or "falling"? Knowing there's someone out there who's in my shoes right now makes me feel a bit better. This anxiety, unrelated or not, is affecting the relationship. She's afraid she's too attached, I'm afraid she'll leave, I'm afraid I don't feel like she does. Last night we were watching tv and I put my head in her lap, there was this feeling of attachment and affection. It was small, sure, that anxiety stifles everything except fear and sadness. But I am considering doing what you're doing. Moving forward, not dwelling on the anxiety, in the hopes that I will discover it's all okay and I'm a nutcase. No offense to you starion. See, if I act on my anxiety, it hurts the relationship, which makes me more anxious and could take her away from me. If I acknowledge its presense, and focus on how all the nice things and affection I show her is completley automatic (which I take as a good sign) than maybe it'll go away. She's so good to me, she's the best, I want the best for her and I'd really like to be the one to be by her side and I want her by mine.