love but mot in love

[imabooger]

Help

my husband of 20 years (Aug 17 2005) has informed me he Loves me but is not in Love and thinks he wants a divorce

I have had medical problems which made having sex in the last 2 years very painfull - so it was a once or twice a month thing. All has been taken care of now - the sex was great and actually still is (when I can get him to give it up) He has been just in a horrible mood and I dont know what to do. I love him with all my heart and dont want him to leave ( we have 2 children 10&6) Our live so far has been great lots of ups not too many lows

Help I dont know what to do

thanks

de

[Jetta]

Can you talk him into marriage counseling? Maybe there's some underlying resentment that once resolved will renew your relationship.

[BellaDonna]

I agree that marriage counseling would probably be the best course of action. You have 20 years together- and the marriage is worth saving.

 

I was never a real believer in the "mid-life crisis", however more and more I see married couples in their 40's and 50's going through this type of crisis.

 

My own mother decided that she loves, but is not "in love" with my father- (married 26 years) and she left him abruptly and started dating someone else. It's tearing the family apart. I think your relationship is worth trying to save and tht counseling is the best option. It will either lead to the decision to stay together or to part. Any decision should be well thought out and having an objective 3rd party (the counselor) can help with this process.

 

BellaDonna

[volution]

People (mainly men, though) often confuse love with lust... And when the lust vanishes (it inevitably does - but it can be regained), people often conclude that the love has vanished - this can happen at any time (though, it happens mostly after 18 months - 2years) and perhaps the lack of intimacy caused some sort of change in your husband.

I've often heard the line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" in situations where love has been confused with lust.

You say you love him very much, and you have been together for 20 years - if he truly does love you, then he would be willing to go with you to the counselling.

 

BellaDonna - I believe that many people when they hit their 40s/50s have got as far as they can with their job/career, they've got a house etc., and their children are almost grown up... The people realise that there is something more to life than just all this house/car/wife/kids malarky - they notice they aren't fulfilled anymore, but I don't think many have the insight to realise what it is they are lacking they are lacking spiritually. We all have 3 sides to us - we are triune beings - we have mental, physical and spiritual. Most of us look after the mental and physical, but the spiritual is largely neglected, and so people mostly don't understand why they feel empty, unfulfilled, or 'not in love', and often they blame their partner/relationship. They then try and find their missing fulfilment (incorrectly) by recreating their material/physical life with another partner, and so the cycle continues on and on through their life...

[BellaDonna]

we have mental, physical and spiritual. Most of us look after the mental and physical, but the spiritual is largely neglected, and so people mostly don't understand why they feel empty, unfulfilled, or 'not in love', and often they blame their partner/relationship. They then try and find their missing fulfilment (incorrectly) by recreating their material/physical life with another partner, and so the cycle continues on and on through their life...

 

I agree 100% with this. What confuses me is that my mother thinks that she can grow spiritually by leaving my father and dating a felon.... but that's a whole other story....

 

I think counseling can at least help people gain perspective when they have feelings about leaving their partner, before they make a big mistake and do what my mother is currently doing.

 

In this woman's case, the children are still young too (10&6)- so I wonder if there might be even more going on than what's on the surface.

 

 

BellaDonna