confusing pleasure in rape

[Jazz]

i have dreams about being molestered as a child, they were nothing but subconsitiously i knew they were true. it wasnt until my most recent rape that i realized that this happened to me. the first time it happened i was 3-11 i dunno who but i see alot of familiar male faces, but havnt seen them since i cant remember what exactly happens but i know i was abused. my recent one that happened in january i was confused and depressed i havnt told anyone any of this he raped me, he didnt see it as rape but he put his hands im my pants and felt me, then... things got out of hand wheni said no but he wouldnt stop,i must have stayed locked at homefor about two wks, i got of onit but at thesame time i felt disgusting...ect !! now he wont stop calling, and i listen to all the things he wants to do to me, he thinks its a relationship. im depressed.and very scared!! he is way much older than me. ](*,) now im screwed up i get of at the thought of getting raped by older men. touched by older men, is something wrong with me ? am i sending off a rador or something??

[btbt]

I am not a professional psychologist, but this seems to be a protective reaction to your rape. Because the rape was so traumatic, you brain is trying to block that out by turning it into pleasure. Your mind is trying to protect you, but your mind also knows that you have been violated.

 

I very much suggest that you seek professional help. Incidents as bad as rape are not easy to get over on your own -- and you shouldn't have to. If there is a friend or family member you trust, confide in her and please do see a therapist. You should also consider pressing charges against the rapist. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. Please do all you can to help and protect yourself and stay away from sex for a while.

[BellaDonna]

I very much suggest that you seek professional help. Incidents as bad as rape are not easy to get over on your own

 

I agree. You need to seek help right away. I know you feel disgusted and ashamed, but there are professionals that can help you and are sensitive to what you're going through. Is there a women's clinic in your area? You need an intervention before this happens again.

 

now he wont stop calling, and i listen to all the things he wants to do to me, he thinks its a relationship

 

You need to stop talking to this sick, poor excuse for a man. Tell him that you want NOTHING to do with him. Hang up. If he does not listen, then you can file a restraining order. Never , ever see him again. The next time it may turn into rape (as in intercourse) he obviously do not respect the word "no". My best advice is to STAY AWAY From him- end all contact immediately and seek professional and legal advice.

 

wheni said no but he wouldnt stop

 

 

You were sexually abused and you have grounds to press charges.

 

 

 

now im screwed up i get of at the thought of getting raped by older men. touched by older men, is something wrong with me ?

 

It sounds like you have been victimizrd more than once. This type of sexual behavior is all you know. You have been manipulated into thinking it is pleasurable. Bottom Line: you did not want it to happen and you were violated. It is not uncommon for victims of sexual abuse to have mixed emotions about what happened, to blame themselves, etc.

 

am i sending off a rador or something??

 

This is NOT your fault. The only signal I can see is that you are vulnerable and people are taking advantage of that. Please seek help right away.

 

Let us know how you're doing,

 

BellaDonna

[Jazz]

i dont know how, I cant ask for help, i just cant how do i do it ? what do i say? who do i see? i spoke to "him" my latest rapist, he wants to see me. i told him.... and but he still calls its like he wont let me go. he called this morning and said soo many things like he wants to see me soon and that he was laying in bed naked and asked if i remembered it! rrh i felt like crying i remembered the bed alight!

 

The next time it may turn into rape (as in intercourse)

 

but i did get raped i cant get rid of his scent, i was bleeding and he just kept going and i said it hurt. it was like i was in the room but i wasnt herd. i blanked out and woke to him next to me nude and holding my hand. then he acted like nothing bad had happened he called it "MAKING LOVE" !! OMG i didnt feel anything at that point, i was just frozen. i was afraid to i acted normal but he new something was wrong. he keeps reminding me about it " it was amazing" he calls it. he knows where i live , my numbers, but i know his too! pls help me. i need help! i was in the shower four six hrs yesterday i couldnt move or stop crying. he has a piece of me and i want it back. if there are any males with opinions i want to know, why is he llike this? pls! anyone!!

[HomerSimpson]

i really suggest u shud go and report this to a police. He has this hold over you and he will keep doing this! Reason he is doing this is not because of the pleasure but he has some sense of power and he his one sick piece of s**t.

 

As people mentioned try talking to your best friend or someone who you can trust such as family member. Am sure they will support u in everyway and will be there for u.

 

I know your scared but you need to be strong for only one moment and report this horrific and sick incident and am sure the police will make sure he will not come anywhere near u.

 

But please report this, otherwise he will keep doing this. The only time your going to be complete again is if you got yourself some justice and this pig is behind bars.

 

i hope your ok!

[BellaDonna]

I will try to help as you best I can. If you were in the U.S.-

I'd advise you to visit a Planned Parenthood women's clinic. But I notice you're from Australia. If Planned Parenthood has centers in Australia- I urge you to call them. I did an internet search, and it seems that in Australia, one of the well-known centers that assists victims of rape/sexual assault is SECASA. they offer free legal help: link removed

 

Here's a complete list of services:

 

link removed

 

They have a sexual assault crisis line: 1-800-806-292 (toll free) and they also list local numbers on their website.

 

he keeps reminding me about it " it was amazing" he calls it. he knows where i live , my numbers, but i know his too! pls help me. i need help! i was in the shower four six hrs yesterday i couldnt move or stop crying. he has a piece of me and i want it back

 

Please, Please, Please find A WAY to stop talking to him. Do you live alone? How is he able to get you on the phone?

 

he knows where i live , my numbers

 

If you take legal action you can get him ordered to stay away from you, even better put in jail to pay for what he did.

 

He's a low, twisted piece of garbage, and a criminal. He keeps re-victimizing you every thime he calls. I can only imagine the horror of what you are going through, and I know it is probably easier said than done, but you NEED to get help immediately.

 

he has a piece of me and i want it back

 

The only way to get it back is to contact professionals, get him away from you, and to seek legal action.

i dont know how, I cant ask for help, i just cant how do i do it ? what do i say? who do i see?

 

Try calling SECASA, your local police, or BOTH. If SECASA are not in your exact area, or can't help directly, I'm sure they can direct you to an organization that can. You will need to tell them that you were the victim of a rape. They will likely ask if you can make an appointment with one of their counselors. They will likely ask you questions about what happened, and want detailed answers (This will probably be the HARDEST part- because I know you are devastated and embarrassed- but if you want to keep him away, they'll need to know the crime). They will ask you these things so that they can make a case against him. They will let you know what your options are and likely offer personal counseling for you to help you cope with this.

 

You should not go through this alone, Jazz. Do you have a friend or family member that you can trust and tell?

 

Something needs to be done. If you keep going onlike this you are only going to get hurt again and you're going to keep feeling worse. And worst of all, this low jerk will able to walk the streets free and think there's nothing wrong with what he did to you. HE'LL DO IT TO SOMEONE ELSE.

 

Please remember- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's going to be tough to seek help and share what happened, but it it the only way to make a change to the situation, and TAKE CONTROL. If you have any scrap of strength left inside, you need to use it now.

 

Try calling SECASA, and please keep us posted. You can PM me if you want more help, but don't want to write details on the forum.

 

I'm really hoping you are able to get the help you need,

 

BellaDonna

[Jazz]

well cousin owns a salon and he met me there, i didnt want anything to do with him, but he knew where i was, and he'd call there all the time. he had to hav gotten my number from one of the employee's b'coz he knew my name. and told me that he would always see me. i have noone i can tell because im trying my best to erase it, i dont want to be judged, or any attention from college or anything i cant say the words im too shy to talk about what happened let alone relive the event, my mother knows something is wrong but i just cant tell her, i feel she will blame me. i dont want everyone to know about this, what would they think? i dont want to be known as a surviver, because im not. he called today i didnt pick up , but it rang soo many times, im afraid to go out, ive looked at some of the refrences and websites. and ur right i cant go through this alone but i cant trust anyone. and i keep thinking that the actual rape happened 6 mnths ago, what if they ask why i didnt report it earlier? would they understand what i was going through? THEY ARE GOING TO BLAME ME I KNOW IT, BECAUSE I KEPT SPEAKING TO HIM! what if he finds out what will he do to me?what if they dont believe me, im 17 and his 40, i didnt even know until i saw his drivers liscense now what? im close to giving up

[HomerSimpson]

Don't u come close to giving up. He has abused u and taken away your self confidence. Since u didn't answer the phone this time round u have some courage left in you and hold on to that. The more u ignore him the stronger u will get.

 

But i feel u need to talk to someone. U said your mom will blame u and i reckon she won't. No mom i think can do that. She will standby you and help u in anyway possible. U need to give you and your mom a chance to talk to each other. i think u probably agree with me it can be that hurtful what he has done to u. And sweet heart she will protect u from this sadistic man. Please please have a word with your mum. Do u have any older brothers or sisters or best friends to speak to?

[Jazz]

Do u have any older brothers or sisters or best friends to speak to?

well my sisters are too young, and my brother knew but i knew how far he would take it. but he doesnt know that he is still harassing me, i dont have anyone i trust to say this to, i cant say the words, im just a coward. but im going to try, im just afraid oh im finding out. can he hurt me?

[HomerSimpson]

but im going to try, im just afraid oh im finding out. can he hurt me?

 

If u suspect he will be around try being with some all day. Like your brother or any of your friends or even your mom. As long as u are with someone he will not try anything and u will feel alot safer too.

 

I don't think your a coward it must have been hard to get this out. It takes guts to come and share this on the forum. All u need is a gentle push to point u towards the right way. Soon as u have told some one u will feel alot better and safer too.

[Jazz]

i hope so, i'll ask my neighbour to stay with me, or i'll just go there, i just feel as though if i keep ignoring him that his going to come over, or call and say something to my family. i just keep thinking that is this going to effect me my whole life? am i going to be afraid of males who actualy could be good people? how am i going to tear them apart?

[HomerSimpson]

Jazz don't let this criminal dictate your life. Everything will get better as soon as he is behind bars. It will take time getting over this and i suggest u see a Psychiatrist/counsellor or even come on here to talk about this and get this off your chest. If you hold back and not talk it will consume u. Please for your sake tell your mom. Am about to logoff now. Feel free Private message me if you still need to talk about this and i will definitely reply back to you tomorrow.

 

just keep thinking that is this going to effect me my whole life? am i going to be afraid of males who actualy could be good people? how am i going to tear them apart?

 

With alot of time and healing u will eventually know what other people are like. Your young, as u grow older u get alot maturer and wiser especially girls. U will tell the difference between nicer and bad people.

[BellaDonna]

THEY ARE GOING TO BLAME ME I KNOW IT, BECAUSE I KEPT SPEAKING TO HIM!

 

Jazz, he is STALKING you. He has put you in situations where you are FORCED to talk to him. It's not your fault. If you take legal action he can be put in jail, and at the very least- court ordered to stay AWAY from you.

 

Your mom can help protect you and become an adovcate for you in this situation if you tell her. If you are afraid to tell family or friends- then the next BEST thing to do is talk to a counselor. There are people that specialize in this and know exactly what you are going through. They will not blame you. A counselor is objective, and YOU decide how much to let them in. You don't have to live with them, you don't have to see them unless YOU want to. Please at least try. I think it will help you to feel a lot better. You can stop talking to the counselor at ANY time.

 

im trying my best to erase it,

 

As mush as I'm sure you wish this would just go away, it will not without treatment. You can't suffer alone and you can't erase it. Your feelings about this are valid and they deserve attention. You can't trick your heart to erase what it feels. You need to confront your feelings of hurt, shame, anger etc, and most importantly TAKE CONTROL of this situation and of your life again by getting help and bringing your attacker to justice.

 

I know this because my own mother was a victim of sexual abuse when she was 8 years old. She never fully confronted the issue (I only learned about it from her 2 years ago after she had a mental breakdown.) She never pressed charges because the person that did it was a family member (an uncle by marriage,not blood). She only recently found peace after her attacker died last year. My mother is 48 years old. This has stayed with her since she was 8- that's 40 years- and it would not "erase". She is now in counseling. Don't wait like my mom did. Take control of the situation, give yourself a chance for a healthy, happy future. And yes, you DESERVE IT. I can't say this enough: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

i dont want to be known as a surviver, because im not

 

You are definitely a survivor. You are brave enough to come here and share your experience with all of us to ask for advice. I think everyone here wishes we could help you more, but we are limited in our abilities, which is why it SO IMPORTANT that you tell somone who can make a difference for you like your mom or a counselor.

 

BellaDonna

[Jazz]

ill tell her tonight when she comes home, im scared.