Ex in Contact - again!

[Ripples]

Somebody help me, i'm going mad.

 

After 8 weeks of nothing she texts me twice in one week for no apparent reason - Just to see how I am. This is the fith time she has come back and probably the fith time she wont deliver.

 

I replied politely to both texts but said nothing. She responded again both times but I didn't.

 

Im now sitting here fighting the urge to call her. I want to see her but she broke up with me.

 

What do I do guy's? Were these just loose emotional canons going off from her or is she trying to say something?

 

Help???

[jnelson]

Hey buddy...I have been where you are about 4 or 5 times myself.....I think you have to ask yourself what it is you want from her now. I don't know any details regarding your breakup and why she broke up with you but it appears she is lonely and wants you back in her life.

 

If you want her back that can be good...but don't just allow her to run back and forth as she pleases...just keep responding politely as you have been and wait for her to make the next move. She's the one who broke up with you so if she wants you back she'll let you know. In the meantime I wouldn't sit around waiting for her or worry about her...keep busy and talk to other girls.

[starion]

dude, i think you can forgive once and give a SECOND chance to people but 4 or 5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ripples]

jnelson,

 

Im right there with you on the polite front. Did you turn things around when you experienced this or did you just walk away.

 

Starion, you are right but this girl has been ill all year with some deep personal issues. I'm tending to think that for the moment at least she has pulled herself free from her torment. Whether I want to be with a girl who cant handle commitment in the long run is my dilema. My head says NO!

[jnelson]

I am now walking away...at first I believed her and thought things would change...I know better now and I don't have time for her anymore.

[shockeddismayed]

Ripples...

 

Her illness *explains* her behaviour... but it doesn't *excuse* it.

 

You are a self-proclaimed "fixer" and you are teetering close to getting drawn back in.

 

Take a couple weeks to prove to yourself you have broken that habit of yours.

 

And remind yourself you need to see A LOT more out of her to know that she is actually recovered. A temporary relief from her torment is only that.

[Ripples]

Thx S&D,

 

Is there anything I can do to encourage her as and when she contacts again. I want her to want to contact me.

[shockeddismayed]

Thx S&D,

 

Is there anything I can do to encourage her as and when she contacts again. I want her to want to contact me.

 

I think the way you handled it was perfect. You responded positively, but you didn't give anything away. She responded back with something meaningless, so you let it go.

 

I like your expression "loose cannons". After your history with her, you are hoping (with good reason) to avoid these.... so I agree with your cautious approach.

 

Is there anything you can *do* to encourage her to respond? Probably not anything healthy.

 

Is there something you can do to make sure that *if* she responds, you have increased the likelihood of its legitmacy? Yes, and I think you have already done it.

 

Question: Do you think she has recovered from the issues that were plaguing her? Have you seen evidence?

[Ripples]

S& D

 

Unfortunately because this is a long distance thing it is tough to gauge if she is responding to treatment or not. Judging by the text messages, which are nothing more than empty meaningless communications, I would say not. Ive asked her not to contact me unless it is for starting again on what we had. Obvioulsy we would be starting again rather than picking up on what we had. Every time she has come back in the past, she backs out saying she doesn't want a relationship yet and that she is scared of seeing me again. I didn't come on heavy at all when she contacted me, I just let her dictate the pace and direction but each time she caved in.

 

I dont think she appreciates the impact her actions have. It really drives me nuts every time it happens, but I do think this time I have not allowed her to manipulate me.

 

I know she has baggage and that i'm mad for even considering taking her back but you know what they say about all love!

 

Do i just sit tight now? I think I see how I need to be when she contacts me.

[shockeddismayed]

Well yes and no....

 

You are doing the right thing, but if you mean "sit tight" and wait, NO.

 

If you mean "sit tight" like put the idea of getting back together on the back-burner until you know she is healthier, and proceed with rebuilding a positive life for yourself that she *might* fit into...

 

Well then, ABSOLUTELY!

 

You've gotten past the hard part... but keep putting distance between her instability and your reaction to it.... resolve to make your calm, independent, happiness the foundation for whatever gets built in your life.

 

If she wants to play-ball, it is on your playing field --> one that can lead to long-term success if she is ready for it.

 

If not, tough luck for her.

[Ripples]

I hear where you are coming from. I think by not allowing myself to get dragged in by this latest bout of messages is probably me saying "if we play ball it is on my playing field". I didn't acknowledge her issues at all and focussed only on the here and now. She needs large doses of that in her life if she is ever going to move forwards I guess. Thx S & D.

[Royltnxile]

Ripples,

 

Our situations may be very similar....where is your original post? I'd like to learn about how she is.

[Ripples]

Royltnxile (that is a spooky picture. Is that you?)

 

Im confused about what I have posted and what I haven't posted. But here is a brief summary...

 

I had a two year relationship with this girl. She lives overseas and so whenever we got togther it was special. There were however, some peculiar things going on which I worked with but, looking back I shouldn't have accepted ie she kept in very close contact with her ex, she would have phases of extreme sulking when she would shut me out for hours at a time for no reason. She had/has bulimia etc etc. The list goes on....

 

Anyway because of my infatuation I didn't see these things as a whole, just isolated things.

 

At the end of last year we had the opportunity of getting together and thats when she got cold feet. I got the "i need time, i'm confused" lines but I did the honourable thing and backed out. Since then she has contacted me 4 times in 8 months saying she wanted to meet up but she would always cancel last minute. I was never heavy but I did let her know I was pissed off for messing with my feelings.

 

Anyway I have learnt from her that she has been in therapy because of issue in her early life. I have also heard that her ex is expecting a baby with his new girlfriend.

 

In essense I believe (although I am not sure) that my ex may have a pesonality disorder as a result of a whacky childhood. God knows what happened but I think she has come out of it with symptoms similar to that of someone suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. It really seems to fit the glove. She wants love but cant handel love and so rejects love.

 

As daunting as this sounds, my love for her has never subsided and although I know there is nothing I can do to help her (only she can help herself) I want to do the best thing to encourage her if she comes back. Knowing now that she is probably "damaged goods" helps me control my emotions and ultimately my responses. Unfortunately it is stiff tough to cope with being rejected.

 

Sound familiar?

[Royltnxile]

Gee thanks Ripples, you really give a guy who has been dumped confidence by ripping on my picture and saying I look "spooky"....geeez. LMAO

 

Yes, sounds very familiar. My ex has similar issues, low body self esteem, insecurity, OCD, anxiety, mild depression, and jealousy. I'm not sure what happened to her but I know she has been with alot of guys who didn't treat her so well, and she is a runner to. Some of this may stem from the fact that on top of her other issues, she is kind of self absorbed.

 

However, she treated me very well, and outwardly she is pleasant, charming, and very attractive...inside she is the most conflicted person I have ever met. Things were great for the 3 1/2 months we dated..then she got scared, panicked, probably cheated on me, and pushed me away over the phone on Valentines Day. Ive been very good at not contacting her with the exception of a "deep" letter back in April which probably scared her more...and a light card in May. She has since called my phone, both of them, and NOT left messages. I havent called her back. I have no idea what she wants. I think she could use some therapy herself, and I'm not sure what makes her the way she is. She knows she's a trainwreck at relationhips though...she pretty much told me, but I carried on with her anyway...like I said, we got along great, no conlicts, ..all in her head.

 

I would let it go man, I'm trying to do that now. I was going to reach out again to her to try and open communications, but I'm stuck on this "no contact" crap, and really think that the best thing for me is to move on...at least for now. If she wants back in my, then she can put out the effort to do so.

 

I would let it go, let her know you are there for her as she works out her issues...that's all you can do. Meanwhile, keep your eyes open and lead a fulfilling life..and make it all about you!

[Ripples]

Only kidding re the photo!!!

 

My life is moving forwards nicely without her. I think the point to remember is that she is addressing her life which is great to hear. I just hope that she gives herself time because I dont believe that anyone can heal over night form this sort of thing. In reality she is probably going to have to cope with it rather than heal from it in the short term.

 

My question was really about how to be when she contacts me (knowing now what I do about her). I think the way I have been is good. ie friendly, confident, encouraging but giving nothing away. Meanwhile, my life moves forwards and the strength continues to build.

 

If she wants back in then she has to catch up and jump on board cos this train aint for stopping.

 

PS - Honestly, the photo is fine!

[Ripples]

Two Weeks on and she has just sent me another "I have been thinking of you and wondered what you are up to" text!

 

Once again I kept my replies upbeat but aloof. She ends her texts with "hugs". She didn't sign off either. One minute she was there telling me about what she was up to and offering to send me photos of a weekened we had together last year and the next minute she was gone. No goodbyes, nothing! That was yesterday and I haven't heard anything since.

 

After my ordeal over the past 8 months I am approaching this with scepticism. Do I continue to be aloof and maintain NC or do I reach out. She didn't really say much but the tone of her dialogue was warm and friendly.

 

You should know that my ex knows that my ex ex is back in town. I want my ex back but only if she wants us. I dont want her coming back because she is jealous.

 

How do I deal with this folks?