Too much of a good thing?

[Sugar-Rush]

Hey Guys,

 

This is my first post, just found this website this morning and have been reading through lots of posts, everyone is so nice and friendly! I need a friend right now, its not that i don't have friends here, its just they don't seem to get me sometimes and they all have there own problems anyway!

 

Okay, i don't really even know what i want to say to be honest. I've been with my man for 3 years now, and luckly all is very good for us. We have an open relationship, which a lot of people don't get. We have an understanding where by if we go out separately and get drunk or whatever we can spend the night with other people without upsetting one another. I know most people find this hard to understand but it truly used to work for us, most relationships fail due to one or other partner being unfaithful, we just believe perfect trust in each other is far more important than manogamy. Obviously if either of us had other long term partners behing each others back that would be so so wrong!

 

Now i've just explained me "perfect" situation, heres the catch Recently all the guys i've been with ( thats only 2 in the past 6 months) i really like, i haven't slept with either of them partially because i like them so i feel it would be cheating on my boyfriend to be with these guys i'm actually really into...does that make any sense at all?! I've tried to talk to my b/f about it but he doesn't get it. He never gets jelous, which occasionally hurts because it can feel like he doesn't love me, i truly know he does love me and he's just very openminded. He wants me to be happy and i spose he thinks i need my space and freedom to be truly happy...which is true. Even though i'm fine with him being with other girls ( i don't see meaningless sex as a bad thing) he has only even been with 2 other girls in the whole of our relationship they were just one night things.

 

I now just feel like my perfect relationship with my man can't be that perfect if i have strong feelings for 2 other men can it?

 

I'm sorry if i sound selfish and self obbsessed i'm just really confused right now.

 

Suga xxxx

[rilo82]

i think monogamy is important in a relationship. you should talk to him about it. maybe talk about other guys in front of him to make him jealous to see his reaction.

 

but if you are having crushes on other guys, i dun see how much you really love him too. hope that helps.

[Sugar-Rush]

I understand why manogamy is important to you and i think when your ready to settle down in a seriuos relationship it should be. When/If i get married i would never consider being with another man, but right now we're both still quite young.

 

Do you really think me liking these other guys is a sign i don't love my man? I'm so confused!

 

I have told my b/f about how i feel for these two guys, he just said they were silly crushes and i'll get over them and that he knows i love him...which i do

 

Suga xx

[urbangentleman]

Hey Sugar

 

Well yours is truly a unique situation and it takes two people who are very much in touch with thier souls to have a connection such as this.However, 2's company, 3's a crowd, but hey, 4!....that's trouble IMO.Ultimately you and your partner may be ok with it, but you need to consider the other peoples feelings in all of this as well. I'm not suggesting that you arnt, but honesty is the best policy for all concerned.

 

If you still feel the deep need in your true sense of self to experiment , then perhaps you and your man need to be apart for a while, maybe not forever , but fior now.Just my thoughts.

 

Stay well

 

Urban.

[Sugar-Rush]

Thank you for taking the time to try and understand, i do appriciate its hard for ppl to understand my relationship as its not what most would class as normal.

I understand what your saying about the 2 other guys involved they know the situation with my b/f and i do feel as if i'm messing them around and i feel very guilty for that. I know something has to change, i love my b/f very much and i know he's happy which makes me feel good, I sometimes wish i could be a nice normal g/f for him.

 

ARRRGGG!!

 

Suga XXX

[urbangentleman]

well sugar, i'm pretty liberated myself , and what is "normal" anyway!...we are all different , all indivual. But case in point even if the other guys know the sitch, what happens if one of these other guys inevitably at some stage becomes attched to u, then u'll have a dilema on your hands.

 

Anyway, just my MO , it's your life your choice babe.But dont forget about your feelings and you in all of this.

 

urb.

[Laughing Sam]

not wishing to be rude but if I had a loving g/f like you but were still able to grab the odd one night stand I would be well happy too.

 

Firstly I do understand your relationship, and knows how it works for you through my own experiences. Accept that many here (and I love you all) will not understand and may even look down at you from ahigh.

 

It is different having a drunken romp with someone who you find attractive but may not want a relationship with, and having a night of passion with a friend. If you do really like them they are not the guys to fling with. That causes to many questions and considerations to something that is a simple act of trust and commitment between you and your partner. If you are going to be open great but remember guys and girls are different on the outside as well as the inside. the fears and feelings you have about being with other people, your man may not worry about because to him it is just a little more sauce on his pasta.

 

I am sure the two of you are good together in ALL ways but for you both to stay happy with this relationship you have to approach from a different angle.

 

Have fun, BE SAFE, and next time grab the hunk at the bar not the hunk in your address book.

[Sugar-Rush]

Thanks Sam,

 

Thats what i really needed to hear, you seem to get it

 

You've cheered me up, i just feel like i'm not a complete freak and some1 else gets it

Thank u

[Laughing Sam]

ah, sits back with a large margarita and takes a smoke in the realisation he is king of the world

[Sugar-Rush]

My next problem is how do i go about not seeing these guys, do i just cut all contact with them

 

Sugar xx

[chai714]

i haven't slept with either of them partially because i like them so i feel it would be cheating on my boyfriend to be with these guys i'm actually really into...does that make any sense at all?!

 

You're in an open relationship. In an open relationship, the word "cheating" does not exist. To answer your question, no, it does not make sense for you to "feel it would be cheating" on your boyfriend, because remember your ideas of your current relationship do not contain the word "cheating."

 

As for your boyfriend not being jealous - human nature tells us that when someone has no jealousy whatsoever when we're in a relationship with him/her, then the level of care is very low. All successful relationships have a healthy amount of jealousy, and zero jealousy is a danger sign, especially when you're sleeping with other men. Good luck with this.

[thoyneeka]

hi sugar,

 

i think that deep down, maybe you really want an entirely exclusive relationship with your bf. you want him to a bit jealous, but if the relationship is open, then you shouldn't have any problems with the fact that he doesn't get very jealous. maybe an open relationship was okay in the beginning, but maybe since you two are still together it would be better to have more defined boundaries. likewise, if you find yourself really attracted to 2 other guys (more than just sexual attraction) then you have a big problem. if you're attracted to other guys and you have an open relationship, then you really don't have any TRUE committment to your bf. i think you need to really think about what you really want out of a relationships first, then you should discuss it with your bf. good luck.

[thoyneeka]

and yes, if you fear that you have true attraction to these 2 guys that you could one day build a relationship from, you need to cut ALL contact with them... that is if you want to stay with your bf. believe me i know!

[Sugar-Rush]

Yeah i understand exactly what your saying about mayb i do what an exclusive relationship with him. I don't mind if he's ahving one nighters but i want him to care if i do, stupid isn't it?

 

Sugar xxx

[thoyneeka]

so do you don't get jealous? why do you you want him to be jealous? so explain to me, what's so good about an open relationship? is it just to give each other built excuses, you know to avoid being hurt by another's mistakes or indiscretions?