is this cheating?

[skinskinskin]

My boyfriend and i had been in a relationship for about 2 years. we broke up a lot; one of the times we were broken up i slept with someone else. we had been broken up for only 1 day...i know, i shouldn't have done it. but i did. now i wonder if he'll ever find out; or if i should tell him. the reason i wonder if i should come clean now is because we just moved in together. it's always possible that he'd find out although doubtful. this was about 2 years ago and it tortures me at times.

[shorty20]

i agree... unless he asks or has asked if you slept with anyone while you guys were on a break. It WASN"T cheating, because you were taking a break from your relationship. If he brings it up, I wouldn't lie. I'd tell him the truth, because although it might hurt him, it'd hurt him worse if you lied about it and he found out later. I would say don't say anything unless you are asked...

[RayKay]

You were broken up, it is not cheating.

 

It was two years ago, and I really think it is best at this time to let it go and not bring it up. Unless you are prepared for finding out he may not have been so innocent during the breaks either, and neither of you had to be, you were not together anymore.

 

What I am concerned about is that you are moving in together, yet you have broken up lots..I really hope none of those breaks are recent and are in the past. Moving in together does not guarantee stability, and that should be there before you make decision to move in. Breaking up when you are living together is even more difficult then when apart, but if couples have problems, moving in together can compound them.

[skinskinskin]

thank you. i feel better. when we were breaking up alot it was because of the meds i was on. now those times have passed; it's been at least a year or more since we've been fighting. everything's good, i just wondered if i should have said something or if i should forget about it and forgive myself and move on...like i will!

 

[darkblue]

I disagree with the other posters.

 

If he done the same thing to you; how would you feel?

 

I know, I wouldn't be very happy.

[RayKay]

I disagree with the other posters.

 

If he done the same thing to you; how would you feel?

 

I know, I wouldn't be very happy.

 

 

That is just it, maybe he DID do the same thing. Fact is they were broken up, and that was a risk when they did that things like that would happen.

 

Yes it sucks as she does feel bad but it was not cheating, and it would likely only make him feel worse now, or her if he told her similar stories of his own time while they were apart.

 

What does telling him now, two years later and when they are obviously looking towards their future together and moving in, do but bring up that past pain. When they got back together it should of been a "fresh start", and that is past now.

[darkblue]

Depends on how long they 'broke up' for.

 

This could have been a small fight and they shortly broke up.

 

Or it could have been longer.

 

Well.. let's ask. How long were you broke up when you slept with another man?I know you slept with another man on the First night Of the break up.. But alltogether, how long did it last?

[darkblue]

Try to let it go. What's done is done. It's none of his business.

 

So if your girlfriend and you broke up, and on the first night of breaking up with you; slept with another man. It would be none of your business?

 

I believe in Trust and Honesty in a relationship.

[RayKay]

Depends on how long they 'broke up' for.

 

This could have been a small fight and they shortly broke up.

 

Or it could have been longer.

 

Well.. let's ask. How long were you broke up when you slept with another man?I know you slept with another man on the First night Of the break up.. But alltogether, how long did it last?

 

But when you break up you break up...you should not break up as punishment, or because of a small fight with intention of fixing it again, when you break up it should be determined as final. Not as revenge or to get your way...that is just manipulation. If a break up is a break up, then it should be seen as final and moving on. He had right to move on, and so did she. Yes they ended up together again, but they might not have ended up together again and have right to move forth with their life.

 

For all intents and purposes if they broke up, they broke up. Now yes, I think at the time maybe they could of discussed what happened, but two years later, they are both matured I hope and not the same people they were (hence not breaking up all the time) so why bring that into play now?

[darkblue]

Depends on how long they 'broke up' for.

 

This could have been a small fight and they shortly broke up.

 

Or it could have been longer.

 

Well.. let's ask. How long were you broke up when you slept with another man?I know you slept with another man on the First night Of the break up.. But alltogether, how long did it last?

 

But when you break up you break up...you should not break up as punishment, or because of a small fight with intention of fixing it again, when you break up it should be determined as final. Not as revenge or to get your way...that is just manipulation. If a break up is a break up, then it should be seen as final and moving on. He had right to move on, and so did she. Yes they ended up together again, but they might not have ended up together again and have right to move forth with their life.

 

For all intents and purposes if they broke up, they broke up. Now yes, I think at the time maybe they could of discussed what happened, but two years later, they are both matured I hope and not the same people they were (hence not breaking up all the time) so why bring that into play now?

 

So you're saying there is no fights without intention to get back together.

 

My Point- is clearly set out in 'Friends' lol.

 

Rachel couldn't forgive Ross when he had sex while they were 'broke up'.

 

What I'm saying is, if this was done to You. I don't think you would feel happy/secure/comfortable in that relationship. It would also bring into play issues about Trust.

 

You are not condemning the fact that on the first night! of the breakup, She slept with another man!

[RayKay]

The point is if a couple fights...why are they breaking up? Part of being a couple is having disagreements and working through them..not breaking up. If you are breaking up, then it is a break up. Not a "solution".

 

I am saying that when you fight, breakups are not to be used to get your way. So if you break up as a result of a fight, then it is a break up!

 

Your point is not clearly set out, as Ross said himself "we were on a break!". And they were! Obviously Rachel had different ideas of what a break meant, but when you are broken up, you are broken up. The poster never said they were on a "break", they said they were broken up.

 

If this was done to me..well if I break up with someone, I break up with someone! There is no on-off again stuff so this situation would not apply..though if I WAS on-off again with people, the break ups are break ups and their own business. Though I don't get back with someone on-and off again as that is for ME enough indication the relationship is not right. So when I break up with someone, and they sleep with someone else, that is their right, as it is my right. We are NOT together anymore. I would never cheat on a partner, but point is if you are broken up you are not cheating! If I did not trust a partner, I would not BE with them. But bottom line is if you are broken up, you are broken up and people are free beings.

 

That was HER choice to make at that time. She was single and free to do as she wished.

[darkblue]

The term 'break up' is rather losely applied to this topic.

 

I'd like to know, skinskinskin, if - after the 'break up' - you had any intentions of getting back with him?

 

I agree that if they were 'broke up', she would have the right to sleep with other men. But on the first night?

And now they are back together, doesn't he have a right to know?

 

I know i'd want to know.

[Cecelius]

It is skanky, but its not cheating (unless the fact the the two of them broke up so constantly that neither really believed it was ever for real).

 

As to whether to tell him or not? If you're worried about it enough to post, then you probably have your answer. If he ever does find out, it won't get easier with age.

[darkblue]

Thank You Cecelius. My point exactly.

 

If they were to get married. I think it would be a different story as to how it may come up.

 

'oh hubby dear.. remember when we 'broke up' that night.. i slept with another man.. by the by, how are the children?'

 

I think he has a right to know.

[btbt]

Gray area, hmmm....you have to decide what you feel comfortable with. My friend was in a similar situation and her therapist told her not to say anything because basically she was telling the truth to relieve her own conscience and it would only hurt the boyfriend. I don't know if I agree with that, but I thought I'd throw it out there. But if it's going to bug you for the rest of the relationship, maybe you should tell. But telling will open up a whole can of worms. So the choice is, will there be more problems by telling or not telling? Which scenario would result in the healthiest outcome (a healthy relationship, or perhaps the ends of the relationship, which also could be healthy).

[bellamcb]

Re: the 'Friends' reference, Rachel ultimately forgave Ross.... And what if Rachel never found out? Would their relationship have been forever tainted because he had an obligation to tell her? Enough TV references...it's just such an easy example!

 

You know, if you tell him, your guilt may be gone but he'll feel terrible. It could take such a long time before you patch things up (if you're even able to) and who wants to waste this time when you are apparently getting along and moving along?

 

I disagree with the opinions that it was skanky or that he deserves to know. It wasn't the greatest move, evidenced by your guilt two years later, but it's life. It happens. Just don't do it again.

[skinskinskin]

i would be telling him solely for the purpose of making myself feel better. i have decided not to. i don't know what went on with him during the break up. if he did something, i wouldn't want to know. there's no point now other than it seems it will just hurt. i see everyone's various opinions as all being right. i think with my specific situation it's best not to bring it up.

 

ye;s, it was skanky. i haven't ever done anything like that. never will again!

[Cecelius]

Just be ABSOLUTELY certain that it never can be found out -- personally, I'd think it was kind of skanky and I'd consider walking regardless of how much time had passed (also factor in whether the guy is still around, etc.).

[perseverance_rules]

If you can sleep with someone day later after breaking up, you dont h ave true feelings for this man. If I found out Id be done. I realize some time has passed and you were broken up, but ONE DAY? Come on.

[7CardStud]

I agree with other posters... He has the right to know... less than 24 hours later after having sex with another man, your back with the person you "love".... I couldn't even look at women a month after i broke up with my ex... It took a while before I could date my current g/f...

 

He should know... N I would also like to know, why'd you guys take a 1 day break? I don't get it...

[ashlyn82]

Skinskinskin,

 

let me tell you. I slept with another man 2 months after me and my ex broke up. Like you, we got back together and we even lived together. He found out about the guy i slept with. He left me because i lied to him, i never told him. We were together for 9 years and he left me...

 

I really wish it turned out differently.

 

Please think about it.

[Atticus90]

In-considerate = yes

Cheating = no

[WaterIsLife]

But you should tell him

[Rabican]

If you were actually broken up, meaning you said the words: we are through, finished, broken up, good bye have a nice life etc. etc. etc. then its not cheating.

 

If you had a fight, and you walked off and said ya know... he looks cute Im gonna f* him... thats cheating.

 

Broken up= not cheating

Still together, but fighting, or having troubles = cheating

 

Should you tell him? I dont know. How much time has passed? A lot? the more time, the less likely I would be to tell I think. Just dont do it again.

[taylor710]

It's semantics, if you feel guilty, you cheated.

Leave the guilt behind?? No cheat!!!

 

See that was easy!