Girlfriend and 21 year old guy.

[Protex]

Hey, I'm back again.

 

Well as some of you may know, my GF moved into this new building. Anyway, there is this dude that she met whom we will call 'Cdawg'.

 

Well, 'Cdawg' seems to have nothing better to do than to call my GF and hang out with her.

 

My GF thought he was cool at first, but now she's annoyed with him. She, however is not the type to be like 'brush off and leave me alone', she prefers to convey this message in hints, which 'Cdawg' either does not understand or chooses to ignore.

 

So anyway, she' nice to him, jokes with him etc etc, and he constantly makes BF bashing remarks like, 'I spend more time with you than your BF does', which he does due to me having Summer school and the whole distance factor, and 'Your BF might like this, your bf might like that, etc etc...

 

She defends me and tells him that our relationship is none of his concern, but any ridcule he gets he takes as a joke and laughs it off.

 

I, personally, think he is up to no good and I have voiced that to my GF, whom agrees but can't bring herself to just be like 'leave me alone, etc etc' and even if she did, he would laugh it off.

 

Right now, I just got off the phone with my GF who was complaining about him and how stupid he is to me, and then he knocks on her door. She's home alone, and he's there. That makes me very uncomfortable.

 

Doesn't a 21 year old have anything better to do than to hang out with a 15(almost 16) year old?

 

This whole thing makes me feel very insecure, and even though my GF tells me nothing will happen, I trust no man.

 

Also, my GF is very flirty by nature, and even though she is annoyed with him, she will put on a smile and laugh and etc etc...

 

I don't know, I feel all weird, but I can't get mad at her because of something like this, and him being 21, I don't want in any fights.

 

He's just so out of place. Last night he called her at 11:30pm and told her to come outside and go for a ride.

 

Boundaries please?

[avman]

I've got news for you my man, this guy is after your girlfriend.

 

If she's 15/16 then she probably doesn't feel strong enough to tell him to get lost. However, I'll be her parents would be more than happy to take care of that. She's underage (for him, not for you) and that should be enough for them to tell him he'll get a little visit from the police if he keeps hitting on their underage daughter.

[Protex]

The parents have met him and unfortunately, they like him.

[avman]

The parents have met him and unfortunately, they like him.

 

 

 

Okkkkkk. Do they know he's been inviting her out for rides at 11:30pm? Has your g/f told her parents that he's bothering her?

[Inconceivable]

If she told them that he was hitting on her, I bet their feelings would change REALLY quickly. Someone needs to tell this guy to get lost, whether it's her or her parents.

[annie24]

If she's as annoyed by him as she says she is, she needs to grow some backbone and tell him to buzz off! There's no reason for her to be nice to him. If he calls, she shouldn't pick up. If he drops by her place, she should tell him she's busy and he should go home.

 

Ok, I don't mean to freak you out, but back in high school, my bf was always complaining about this girl that was crazy about him. She would call him all the time, find reasons to be near him, always ask for rides home... He would complain to me, and I'd say to him, "if you don't like her, don't answer her calls, don't talk to her, tell her you have a gf!" (She knew about me - and hated me!) But, he was always like, "I don't want to be rude!!!" I'd say, "It's not being rude - it's having your own boundaries and telling her to move on!" Well, after a few months of this, I figured out that he liked the extra attention (having 2 women fighting over him), and he started dating her soon after we broke up.

 

I dunno --- I've always been good at giving guys the cold shoulder if I'm not interested in them. I sometimes get annoyed by people who can't do the same due to my high school experience. If she really doesn't like him, she needs to learn how to be firm. Otherwise, I would say that she is enjoying this attention from the 21 year old, and really doesn't want it to stop, even if she says she does.

[Hope75]

I have to agree with Annie on this one, if she really doesn't like the attention, she needs to speak up and tell him to bugger off, and there is no reason she can't do so.

 

It is completely inappropriate that the guy is calling her at all hours and inviting her out, and that her parents not only tolorate this but like him! If their daughter gets involved with him he could go to jail.

 

The only one who can control the situation here is your gf. If she does nothing, I'm afraid as Annie said, it's probably because whether she cares to admit it or not, it's flattering to have the attention of this older guy and she is enjoying it.

 

I'd be wary if I were you.

[Derge]

You seem like an alright bloke,

 

this is your girlfriend and this man is obviously interested in her, you need to talk to your girlfriend it cant go on it must be worrying you, do something anyway what would you do if you met him is he bigger than you. If you are similar size stick up to him thier is not much difference between a 16 and 20 odd year old other than the 20 year old will be dead first. (note to women who like older men).

 

soz couldnt help that much but wanted to show support.

[Protex]

I understand about the attention liking thing, but if I were to bring it up to her, it would create a big fight and I hate our fights. =(

 

And to me she sounds very sincere about being annoyed, I can tell when she's being truthful.

[annie24]

hmm.... my ex-bf was also sincere about being annoyed by her attention, but that didn't stop him from dating her later....

 

I think you have to really talk to her. She may not be the type who wants to be rude to people in her apartment complex, but by keeping in touch with this guy, she's being rude to you. Don't forget that.

[djedix]

Honestly, your a guy. You know how we act. you know what we do when we want something. This guy is after your G/F. And like you said, if you do or say anything about it, it will cause a fight between you and her. It's not very fair to you, because, well she's your G/F! and your doing nothing wrong feeling this way. Being friends with someone is one thing, but when it crosses the line of hanging out all the time, its up to no good. I don't care what anyone else thinks, guy will not just continually hang out with girls unless they want something.

 

She has to be the one to tell him to stop thou. You can't do anything about it really. it sucks.

[Hope75]

I understand about the attention liking thing, but if I were to bring it up to her, it would create a big fight and I hate our fights. =(

 

And to me she sounds very sincere about being annoyed, I can tell when she's being truthful.

 

Once again Annie is dead on. Why would it bring up a fight between you and you gf if you let her know how much this bothers you?

 

She is disrespecting you and this relationship, and no one deserves that.

 

Maybe on some level she is annoyed, but clearly not enough that she will tell him not to call or come around. It sounds like she is more annoyed that all this attention came around when she was already seeing someone, and that she has to juggle his attention with your relationship, and doesn't like having to explain to you why she is spending time with him.

 

She is still going out with the guy and spending time with him and taking his calls, right? It's pretty clear what his intentions are, and by accepting his attention, what kind of message do you think she is sending him?

 

Would you hang out with a girl who was bashing your girl or your relationship? Who clearly was interested in you, who regardless of your present relationship was still trying to move in on you and your girl?

 

I think complaining about him to you is her way of telling you she spends time with him, so she won't feel guilty about keeping it secret, but by saying that he bugs her and she feels "obligated" to hang out with him, she makes it like she is a victim who has no choice, instead of a person who is making a conscious choice to hang with another guy who is clearly interested in more than friendship with her, while she is supposed to be in a relationship with you. She is making a conscious choice, every time she agrees to see him.

 

Actions always speak louder than words. If she were truly annoyed she would tell this guy that she is not interested in his company, in a committed relationship, and no thankyou.

 

That's not being rude, it's being respectful to your relationship.

[Protex]

I talked to her and we got into a huge fight.

 

She said she's trying to fade him out of her life but it's hard because he's always around the building because of family and stuff.

 

She said it's not easy to talk to him and he'll just dismiss what she says, I told her if she can't stand up to him over something like this, how would she stand up to him if something else happened?

 

She's not defending him, just saying it's hard for her to tell him to just buzz off and leave her alone.

 

Now she's giving me the whole "you're over-reacting" bit.

 

=(

[annie24]

We're not recommending she actually talk to him! It's more like, NOT talking to him. Like, not picking up the phone, not answering the door, etc. His taking her for rides, and all that stuff... he's trying to play the role of the bf, and that's your job! What she needs to tell him is that she already has a bf, and that he should find a girl his own age to persue.

 

I don't think you're overreacting - I was in your shoes a few years back.... if anything, I think I UNDERREACTED! As soon as that girl started closing in on my bf, and he didn't tell her to buzz off right away, I should have dumped him right then and there, instead of dealing with that crap for 4 months....

 

Think about it - if the creepy janitor or someone in her building kept hitting on her, but it made her uncomfortable, she would either tell him to go away, or she'd have her parents tell the janitor to leave their daughter alone!

[Hope75]

I don't think you are overreacting either.

 

As Annie said, she doesn't have to make a declaration of any kind to him if she doesn't want to. What she can do is avoid his calls and tell him she cannot go if he invites her out. If he presses her, she can and should tell him that she already has a bf and no, thankyou.

 

I know you don't want to think so, but she is defending him and the way she is behaving with him. If she wanted to stop spending time with him she would. She isn't. What kind of message is she sending him?

 

What are you willing to accept?

 

This guy is bashing you to her and not only is she listening to it, she's continuing to spend time with him. It really doesn't sound good.

 

I'd still be concerned if I were you.

[Protex]

Just an update for those who care.

 

The dude ended up driving my GF to his house after he said he was just going to take her around the block. When my GF got there he was showing him all types of weapons that he had, guns etc.

 

He then tried to force himself on her, but my GF stopped him.

 

Needless to say she should have listened?

 

This was last year and everythings okay now, but still. Wow.

[Hope75]

Just an update for those who care.

 

The dude ended up driving my GF to his house after he said he was just going to take her around the block. When my GF got there he was showing him all types of weapons that he had, guns etc.

 

He then tried to force himself on her, but my GF stopped him.

 

Needless to say she should have listened?

 

This was last year and everythings okay now, but still. Wow.

 

This incident happened last year?

 

Good grief!

 

I'm sorry that your gf almost got attacked and raped as a wake up call to stay away from this guy. Glad to hear she is now staying away from him.

 

Did she press charges on him?

[__Hope]

Well..that was her on fault for that happening. Maybe now she'll have the balls to tell a guy to back off. Too bad it took that and she couldn't just listen to you..

[Protex]

This incident happened last year?

 

Good grief!

 

I'm sorry that your gf almost got attacked and raped as a wake up call to stay away from this guy. Glad to hear she is now staying away from him.

 

Did she press charges on him?

 

No, she did not. As she says that it did not get far enough blah blah blah.

 

I personally am all for locking up these people before they can attack again, but she wants to throw it out of her mind I suppose.

[Rabican]

I talked to her and we got into a huge fight.

 

She said she's trying to fade him out of her life but it's hard because he's always around the building because of family and stuff.

 

She said it's not easy to talk to him and he'll just dismiss what she says, I told her if she can't stand up to him over something like this, how would she stand up to him if something else happened?

 

She's not defending him, just saying it's hard for her to tell him to just buzz off and leave her alone.

 

Now she's giving me the whole "you're over-reacting" bit.

 

=(

 

She knows how you feel, if she really doesnt want the guy in her life then tell her to say this:

 

Look cdawg, Im currently in a relationship and while you may be a great guy and any other time Id love to be your friend, this just isnt going to work out any way. I need to focus on my relationship, and I cannot continue hanging out with you, having you show up at my place etc.

 

If your girl cannot make this simple step for you, then I think you have bigger problems than just this. Shes already said she doesnt want him in her life, so its time for her to prove it. Hell even have her write this up in a note and slide it under his door if she really is not good at confrontation. Either way cdawg has gotta go.

[Protex]

She knows how you feel, if she really doesnt want the guy in her life then tell her to say this:

 

Look cdawg, Im currently in a relationship and while you may be a great guy and any other time Id love to be your friend, this just isnt going to work out any way. I need to focus on my relationship, and I cannot continue hanging out with you, having you show up at my place etc.

 

If your girl cannot make this simple step for you, then I think you have bigger problems than just this. Shes already said she doesnt want him in her life, so its time for her to prove it. Hell even have her write this up in a note and slide it under his door if she really is not good at confrontation. Either way cdawg has gotta go.

 

While I agree with you, Cdawg has been gone for a year. But thank you for your advice!