im pushing my husband away with my jealousy HELP!!!

[jackie_jackso25]

Can any one help im so insanely jealous its not real. You would not believe the mad stories I make up in my head. My husband is gets really angry now and im afraid he will leave me. But I just can seem to stop myself. Do I need professional help???

[Lightingbird]

You might need some therapy if you are that bad off. Have you ever cheated on him? Or have you ever thought of committing adultery?

 

You have to understand like fuel to a fire, cause and effect, this is happening for a reason. And you will drive him away. Its like being a locked up animal walking on explosive eggshells dealing with a jealous spouse.

 

Do you trust him? And can you for the rest of your life.

 

Get some advise and ask yourself some serious questions.

[onlygirl]

Hi I decided to replay to you cause as soon as I read what you posted I felt like it was me that was talking. I to have that problem. I feel jealous of almost everything he does. Mostly of his ex-girlfriend in which they have constant comunication (phone, e-mail, chat almost every way there is possible for comunication). I am sorry I can't help you but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I understand what your going through. If you have any ideas or get any good replies share them with me.

 

See ya,

Onlygirl

[Lightingbird]

This is for you...

 

I have to tell you that it is unacceptable for your boyfriend/husband to be communicating with his ex-girlfriend. It is an attack on your feelings and trust for him. And he should understand that. When you are in a relationship you have to make some loses to make the relationship work. He needs to adjust his ways...

[sisterlynch]

Lightningbird and Onlygirl, you are both right in your thinking. My husband and I have been through this. Stand up for yourself. If his anger is frightening you tell him. He should not be going out or seeing other girls. If it is the internet that is the problem see if he will discontinue using it. Only girl, if you can get in touch with this other girl, it may be helpful to tell her you are unhappy with his behavior. He ignores your feelings and puts her as a priority over you. That does not make a healthy relationship. Jackie, don't let your emotions get the better of you. Talk to him openly about what you are seeing and feeling. Sometimes when you confront them with your emotions too often it can lessen the blow, but do tell him how you are feeling. Sometimes that is good enough. Let us all know how things are going for you. We are all here to support you through it. It won't be easy. Make him listen to you. He will if he really cares. Joanie at email removed

[MrsE4]

I have fought with jealosy for years, and I still don't always win. But the first thing you have to do is figure out why you're jealous in the first place. Are you upset that you can't control his actions? Are you confident that he can and will make the right decisions when it comes to his contact with other females? Are you comfortable with his love for you? Do you trust him not to hurt you? Pinpoint what triggers jealosy in your mind, then replace that negativity with positive reinforcement. Say the positive reinforcement out loud if you have to (my personal mantra is "He loves me and will do the right thing").

 

Unless your partner is a sadist, he is not attacking you through his friendship with his ex-girlfriend. If the tables were turned, how would you want him to act toward your friendship with an ex? Would you want him to be understanding, or would you want him to be insanely jealous? If you would want him to be understanding, give him that same credit and be understanding toward him. If you would prefer jealosy, you may be experiencing problems with self-worth. Perhaps you are looking to him to help you feel good about yourself. But feeling good about yourself is an internal struggle that no one, in the end, can help you to achieve. YOU have to do it. Good luck -- you can do it!

[chakka]

MrsE, that was great advice!

 

I too have this problem, and I love what you wrote.

You are so right about the reasons people get jealous.

And that is a great mantra. I think I will use it too if you don't mind.

I hope it will serve as a substitue for obsessive negative thoughts

 

I think this will really help me.

Thanks so much for sharing and good luck everybody.

 

P.S. Excellent quote in your signature too. Quite true.

[VelvetCynic]

You'll have to excuse the long entry, I'm in a lot of pain

 

All my life, I've been jealous of everone and everything. If my brother got a cookie and I didn't, I became convinced my mom liked him better and I got very bitter and felt unloved. Anytime I had friends who hung out together without me, I became convinced they hated me and were hanging out to make me jealous so that i would get mad at them and then they'd have an excuse to not be my friend anymore. (I'm also a paranoid schizophrenic to make matters worse)

 

I'm now in a great relationship, I'm 20 and he's my first boyfriend. And it's making me remember why i avoided dating for so long. I knew it would create such an unreasonable jealousy that i just steered clear for my entire life. But somehow he convinced me it worth the risk. But now whenever i see him talking to another girl, smiling or laughing, it just burns me up, and i hear things telling me i can't tust him and if i wasn't there he'd be seducing her. When I'm not with him, even if he's asleep, I'm convinced he's calling other girls. He's very sweet and understanding about my insanity, and encourages me to try and get past it, but so has everyone who has left me because they couldn't deal with me. All of the best friends I've had have abandoned me because they couldn't stand my accusations.

 

I know one thing about jealousy- DON'T ACT ON IT. talk about it. Explain how you're feeling. Say "i know that it's unrationalized, and i'm not accusing you of anything, but it makes me jealous when you talk to other girls" Whereas I have the tendency to run off and hide somewhere and make up in my mind what's happening with me not there, and when i AM found, I make harsh accusations- "i KNOW you want that girl, and since i wasn't there, you..."

 

I feel horrible about the way i act. I generaly feel ashamed and cry for the rest of the night, but it's not something i can stop when it's happening. I feel so trapped, and scared. This is going to end with me alienating anyone who tries to get close to me, and ultimately I'll end up alone in life. I've been to therapists, but they don't understand the intensity of this emotion. It's hardly even jealousy anymore. it's a whole new level. It's something i can't control and i fear will ultimately consume me.

[davidsbaby]

i, too, am going through this. I have never had a non-cheating relationship(i am 32). Either it was me or him. My parents cheated, their friends cheated, my friends cheated. So, when I met this man, I wanted to make sure that this was going to be a cheat free relationship. We dated for 2 yrs and then married. Deep down inside I don't believe he will cheat, but I just can't seem to shake the disturbing scenarios I play out in my head about him. He has been away at school for the last 4 mo.(Navy) and I have been a total nutcase. And when he gets mad at me accusing him, I think its because hes guilty. I have been a bit jealous before but never like this-I am 5 mo pregnant and use hormones as an excuse-which might play a small role, but its a very small role. I guess I truly believe that all people cheat and while I know my dh loves me I am afraid he might slip. I know I have serious issues and would LOVE to be jealous free. It is like a monster-I try to control it but it takes over my mind and my mouth. Our marriage isn't in trouble right now, but I am afraid of what will happen if I cannot tame this demon.

[netman]

Davidsbaby, I could totally relate to your last post. I have been cheated on in the past, so I have these jealous thoughts in my head that make my chest hurt sometimes. Jealousy is like a monster that takes control of my mind and sometimes my body. I know I have a problem and I'm pretty sure where it stems from, but I don't know how to control it.

 

I have issues right now because my girl dresses semi-sexy. I'll be at work, and I can't help but think of all the men that are gawking and approaching her during the day; it stresses me out sometimes!! These posts help me a lot and I think I'm also going to find some books that could help me before it's too late. Like you, I would LOVE to be jealous free with no stress in my head. I wish I had the answers...

[MrsE4]

If you're looking for a book that will help you with your jealosy, may I recommend "The Feeling Good Handbook" -- it's a hands-on, well-written book that makes you feel as if the author is really talking you through the exercises. You MUST do the exercises, write them down and really search your soul, for them to help. But in the 6 weeks or so that I've been working on that book, my husband and friends have commented many times that I've grown so much already! I feel so FREE -- free to be me, do what I want to do and stop worrying about what my husband is doing all the time. As a result, we've grown closer because I'm not always there, I have my own life again and we're both so much happier for it!

 

I'm not saying this book is a cure-all, but it has helped me a lot. And best of all, it's only about $20! I do suggest seeing a therapist, too, but as support more than treatment. My therapist is cool, but she's not nearly as effective as the work I've done with that book!

 

Good luck -- we're all in this together!!!