My first and my last, I feel like i will never marry..HELP!!

[Shenn_22]

I feel like I just broke up with the man that I love the most today. It sucks! I love him so much that I could die for him. I'm in deep hurt right now. I couldn't cry and I couldn't do anything. My body hurts, my eyes hurt and my heart hurts!!!

 

He's my first Boyfriend. I wanted to be married to him. He was my first kiss, my first "I love you" and many more firsts.... I used to not regret anything until now. I feel so empty. I couldn't find myself anywhere however I try to find. It hurts so bad that I wish to forget everything... you know...get bumped by a car or get hit by something hard on the head to get amnesia...

 

I still love him... I don't know if i will let go or not... I'm in the middle of some kind of confusion train that I've never been on to. All these feelings...it's all too new and too painful. I feel sick and dying literally already. Is this how it really should feel? Or am I starting to lose it?

 

HELP ME!!! HELP ME!!!!!

[rilo82]

calm down girl. you need to think before acting. how long have both of you been together? were you his first even though he was your first? what was the reason that you two broke up? let us know and understand....

 

but the most impt thing now for you is to stop thinking and get some sleep and rest. watch tv till fall asleep. the first few days are the most difficult. try to smile.

[Reilly2856]

The main thing to realize on the road to recovery is that this was your FIRST. Your first love will always be special, especially when this was the first time for a number of things you've experiened. But you have to remember that it is very easy to get carried away these new feelings and think that this is the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. Don't get me wrong here, some people meet their soulmate/love the very first time. But my question really is, since this is the first time your experiencing everything for the first time, how do you know it's not jus those 'first time' feelings which are making you feel you are in LOVE vs. really being in love? The only way to find out is to date other people. Look, if this guy is really the guy you are meant to be with than don't worry. You will end up together. Take this time of separation as a time to grow, so that if it is meant to be, you will come back into that relationship as a more emotionally confidant and experienced person. On the other hand, this may just be 'first time' break up blues, and there is some amazing person out there for you just waiting to give you love. Either way, you will end up with a person to love you for the rest of your days.

[Shenn_22]

I don't know, the hurt is making me feel numb at the moment. I can't cry...although I really want to.

 

We've been together for 2 years and 5 months. I love him and I'm very certain that I do. I know that I'd die without him. That's just how I feel right now, I feel like I'd die.

 

He ignored my feelings. He called me selfish and all. It started very small and I don't know really how it grew this big. I hate myself for not saying sorry instead of waiting for him to do so himself.

 

We're at the same college and we meet before we head for our classes. I felt like doing something special for him so I woke up very early this morning to fix some sandwhiches for us both. My bag wasn't fit for sandwhiches, so I gave it to him for him to keep for our lunch. (damn this sounds to kindergarten) He gave the sandwhiches away to his friends. So I got kinda upset. But I really didn't mind him giving it away, (who cares about those damn sandwhiches anyway???) what bothered me was his reaction when I asked. I asked him, "So where are the sandwhiches?" He casually said "I gave'em away." and I kinda blurted, "What?" and he suddenly seemed fumed... "Is there anything wrong about giving?" and I said... "No, it's just that you should've atleast remembered me or something." I wasn't mad about him giving it away, I was just disappointed because I wasn't able to see him appreciate what I made for him. You know...women... stuff* We like watching our men appreciate our tiny efforts.

 

So I just asked if he was able to eat some and he said yes but he was mumbling stuff like I was some evil witch being so selfish and all. I feel like he was saying that all I thought about was myself. I was just cooling down that's why I was trying not to say anything. I was just quiet and trying to settle my feelings so that I could talk to him when he suddenly walked away with his bag. He walked. We usually ride 2 cabs to get home. He was walking out of the campus when I followed him. He had never left me like that. I thought he'd atleast wait for me at the gate of our college but he went on a cab. I walked... the sun was high and it was really hot but I couldn't believe what he just did. We never went home separate ways. We always went home together. I was crying, I was asking myself... "What did I do??..." over and over and I was just crying. I rode a cab and tried to snap out of it, maybe he's waiting for me on the other cab station, when I got there... I was kinda relieved that he was sitting there. I sat next to him and asked him, "Did you leave me on purpose?" I was struck by lightning when he said "Yes!" I was crying again and said... "I can never leave you like that." Then he stood up and walked. I was left at the station crying. I rode a cab thinking that he already took his 2nd cab too, but to my surprise he was walking. He already walked a long way, like 4-5 kms and the distance to cover was over 30 kms. I went down the cab and said "Enough already please." But he pushed me away and said... "Not unless you realize what you did wrong and not unless you realize how selfish you really are I'm not talking to you!!!" I said "What?? What did I do??" he said "You're so selfish!!! All you think about is yourself." I replied fumed already, "What?? All I wanted was to hear you say sorry. Sorry that you weren't able to remember me or something like that. I wasn't really mad, I just wanted to feel that you cared about what I would think and feel." He walked away... I still followed him although I'm already crushed. I wanted it to stop!

 

I feel so overwhelmingly resented. I feel crushed and totally demeaned. My question was the same and still the same until now... "What did I do??" so I said, "I had enough. I will never come after you again... and I rode the cab." As we went I saw him walking...he's gone crazy I thought. "What's wrong with him?"

 

AND IT'S OVER!!! MY LIFE IS OVER BECAUSE OF A CRUMMY SANDwhich!!! STUPID SWEET THINGS!!!! I LOVE HIM I REALLY LOVE HIM!!! BUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM???????

[Reilly2856]

I think this definitely has to do with more than just sandwhiches. I think you need to try and talk this through. Leave him alone for a few days so he can cool down, then approach him and ask what happened? If he blew up however, because of this incident, then I would seriously consider finding someone else to love. I know you love him, but apparently if I guy can blow up on you just over some sandwhiches, that doesn't really say a great deal about him now does it? Besides, we think outside the box, what if he had brought you flowers, and u ended up giving it to your friend who was sad to brighten her day....how would he feel at knowing you gave his gift away so easily. It's the same thing with your sandwhiches....he seriously shouldn't have given all of them away and if he had, he had no right to freak out. I hope I am making sense.

[Shenn_22]

When I got home, he started calling. I didn't try to answer his calls. I just stared at my cellphone as it rang and rang...and rang... and rang... about 20 to 30 times I think. Then our landline started to ring too. My mom answered the phone and it was him... I just listened to their conversation over the extension phone. I'm just glad he's home, I thought to myself. He said to my mom "Please do tell her that I really have to talk to her." He didn't sound anything but casual. I didn't answer his calls because I was scared that he might say some other stuff that would probably hurt me more than how I felt.

 

The ringing stopped for like 3 or 4 hours and the phone rang. Nobody was there to answer it, so thinking that he must've given up calling, I picked it up and said "Hello..." he knew instantly that it was me. He asked me if I was alright... *damn* I wanted to say "NO!! I'm LITERALLY DYING!!" with all the messy trimmings but I didn't. I just said "I'm okay... how about you?" he sighed and said ... "I walked a long way...I feel like this is going nowhere...do you want this to be over?" He asked me the same question for like 3 times, and he was already yelling. I hung up. I didn't know what to say. After all the hurt...all I wanted to say was "YES! Let's get it all over and done with!!" But I hung up... maybe because I knew that I would regret it if I said what I wanted to say. I preferred to hang up. He stopped calling...

 

After another hour, he called again. I decided to pick it up right away and I will just listen to all his yelling and when he's done doing so, I will say "Good bye." But this time he was different. The first thing he said after I said hello was "I'm Sorry..." then he sighed. "I'm really sorry... I'm so out of myself... (I have to admit...he wasn't himself. Something's bothering him.) I shouldn't have done that to you. I'm so sorry... please ... I'd die without you... I'm really sorry... you know that I can't keep things like this. I just want us to be back together again and let me correct what I've done wrong. You'll see... I will try never to do anything like that again...but please help me." The line wasn't exactly like that...probably more dramatic but that's what I recall. My heart softened. I said... "You're forgiven... and whatever it is that I might've done... I'm sorry too." Then... I asked him to come over to my place.

 

He seemed to be more sorry in person than he is over the phone. He held my hand tight and begged me to wear the diamond ring that he gave me. (since I wasn't wearing it anymore) He wanted me to wear it again. So I gave it to him instead and asked him to put it on me... he did *kneeling*. So we're okay now. I know that there's something that's bothering him. I've been his GF for more than 2 years and he has never been like this. I need to know what his problem really is. I hope he doesn't end up in an anger management class...

 

We had fun tonight... we sat at our garden bench and we stared at the stars while we sipped some hot choc and ate donuts* he leaned over for a kiss and I gave him 3 pecks at his perfect lips. I didn't wanna kiss him as in really kiss him. I'm still scared...scared that he might hurt me like that again. I wasn't able to sleep. Now I'm dealing with my feelings. I'm all mixed up. I don't know how I'd get over what happened since it felt so traumatic to me. It was the first time in our entire relationship that he acted like that. I'm now scared that my feelings of being resented and all might affect how I act around him. HELP!!!

[arwen]

Hey Shenn,

 

I think things can really work out if the two of you take some distance-- at least for a few days. Now it's all emotions, being upset, etc. It is clear that he wants you back, and I understand that you'd be afraid to lose him if you take more distance, but I personally think distance does wonders.

 

No contact for a period that you agree on-- you can figure out what you want. Really, a bit of distance helps to get a better perspective on things.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Shadows Light]

Shen,

 

I am so glad reading through your posts that you are feeling better. Yes, distance does wonders. Did he ever say what initially upset him? And were you able to express your hurts.. as in "when you did this... it made me feel this way.."

 

My therapists and books I've read say that it's an effective way to get communication rolling along. Number one it defines the issue, and secondly it tells the other person what your boundaries are and how crossing that boundary makes you "feel". Just a thought for the future if anything ever crops up again.

 

Shadow