I just need someone to listen

[Softmoonlight]

Hi,

 

I am at the end of a rocky relationship with my bf of almost 6 years. I am thinking of taking the plunge, but it's very hard on me. He has been abusive to me in the past, and still is emotionally/verbally quite often.

 

In any case, I have talked to him about breaking up and as predicted, he turned instantly sweet. More sweet than he has been in a long time. So today he called me at work (just a few moments ago) and now sounds very depressed. I know that he isn't faking it, as he has been depressed in the past, but I'm also kind of angry because I feel like he is 'conning me' because he thinks I will start returning more of his affection again and start looking after him again if he is depressed. I guess I feel like he is grasping at straws.

 

I get so mad because I feel so manipulated. I don't know what happened, but about a week ago, I snapped. I stopped being all loving and trying so hard so he won't be upset about a bunch of things all the time. I just plain gave up. Now that I'm at my wits end, he is all loving. That makes me insane!!!! I've tried so hard to make this guy happy and it's never enough.

 

I always fall short somehow. I don't do my hair the way he likes, I'm overweight (I just lost a bunch and everyone but him says I look great and many men find me attractive) I don't clean right, I don't sexually please him, my family is a bunch of hicks, I don't love him enough, take care of him enough. I make all his appointments, do everything possible for him. Walking on eggshells describes the past years to a tee.

 

Anyway, I'm concerned that if I finally blow my top and tell him to get the heck out of my house that he will commit suicide or something. What can I do to prevent this? That's the last thing I need on my plate. That is the only thing holding me back right now. Otherwise he would be out.

 

Oh and don't say "turn to your family," because my mother nearly sides with him. A few years ago, my bf broke up with me. When I went out with another man, my mother and bf were so angry at me and made me feel so guilty it was terrible. I've been talking to my mom and she outright said, "you'll regret it if he leaves." Um, what? She even knows that he has abused me and yet still sides with him. You can tell my father abused her huh?

 

Any advice? Thanks for listening to my rant!

If anyone is going through/has gone through something similar, feel free to PM me, please!

 

Shawna

[Demond34]

Follow your heart.....thats what I told my girlfriend, well i guess ex now. My situation was different than yours but does have similarities. I was "perfect" in her eyes for the first 2 years of our relationship. Then our life got sidetracked. SHe also put alot into our relationship and just got worn out and never focused on herself. Now she wants to find herself and do it on her own. At first I tried to get her back. But i realized thats what i want and that she doesnt want that now. Granted she said she wanted to be with me forever and have kids. We're just at different stages of our life. Its hard as hell for me to let her go. It feels like 5 yrs down the drain. i'm so emotional its crazy, this was never me. I was always the tough guy, showed no emotion, now that shes leaving, i'm a mess. I really do care about her and love her. But I have to let her go, to see if it was really meant to be. It hurts..but just follow your heart. And besides someone who truly cares about you wouldn't be abusive no matter what. A man should never raise their hand they truly care about! I hope everything works out for you...

[JynX]

As I understand it, you have no business being in this relationship. He obuses you and makes you feel like you're not good enough. Why be with someone like this? You deserve to be treated much better. A healthy relationship makes you feel good from inside out, and it is not the case here. There is better out there for you.

 

The fact that he becomes all lovey-dovey when breaking up is brought up shows he's not wanting to lose you and is willing to change for a short time to keep you with him. But people can't change; they can mask their real selves, but eventually, that mask of pretend cracks and their true colors show once more. If he hasnt changed over a period of 6 years, it seems he wont ever change. In the past I've dated a guy who used the suicide against me, making me feel guilty and responsible for his well being. Boy am I glad I got out of that relationship. He told me he'd kill himself if I left him, but you know what, nearly two ears later, he still calls me periodically and tells me how happy he is with his new gfs. I guess I took that risk when I ended things. Your boyfriend is trying to keep you with him by placing guilt on you, but don't fall for it. Are you going to be happy in a relationship held together by guilt? He may talk about suicide and may be depressed, but dont feel responsible. It's his own choice, you have no control over his actions. The sooner you realize this the sooner you'll get the courage to get out. Most people that talk about suicide won't go through with it, it takes a lot of guts, and from hearing about him, I'd say he doesnt have it, because if he isnt brave enough to let you move on with your life and move on himself, what makes you think he'll be brave enough to end his life?

 

I've been with someone who tried placing the "suicide" guilt on me when I wanted to leave, and he didnt go through it. You just have to be brave and not fall for this guilt he's placing on you. YOU are NOT responsible for what he does with his life. People make their own choices. Do not feel guilty. Look out for your happiness, not his.

 

I'm surprised your mother sides with him. I'm also dissappointed. She is supposed to be there for you, not stand against you.

 

Forget what she or he thinks. Think about you. What would make YOU happy? If it's leaving this unhealthy relationship, then so be it. After all, who'll take care of your needs other than you? In this world, you're all you have...people have only each other to trust. I guess we're all our own best friends in a way.

 

I'm not sure how else I can help, but feel free to PM me. I'd be glad to help.

[Hope75]

I always fall short somehow. I don't do my hair the way he likes, I'm overweight (I just lost a bunch and everyone but him says I look great and many men find me attractive) I don't clean right, I don't sexually please him, my family is a bunch of hicks, I don't love him enough, take care of him enough. I make all his appointments, do everything possible for him. Walking on eggshells describes the past years to a tee.

 

Anyway, I'm concerned that if I finally blow my top and tell him to get the heck out of my house that he will commit suicide or something. What can I do to prevent this? That's the last thing I need on my plate. That is the only thing holding me back right now. Otherwise he would be out.

 

Shawna,

 

I lived with a severely depressed alcoholic for 5 years. Alot of the manipulation and verbal abuse was the same... and there was also alot of physical abuse.

 

He pulled the depressed card on me to manipulate me on many occasions. I stayed alot longer than I wanted to because I lived in fear of what would happen if I left. Would he try to kill himself? He always told me he would end his life if I left.

 

Finally I had to end it anyway, regardless of what he kept telling me. I knew that by staying with him I was denying myself the possibility of a happy life, of falling in love with someone who loved and respected me.

 

I realized that I could not take responsibility for him and his actions, he was an adult who was responsible for himself, and I had to be responsible for myself.

 

I left him, and he did attempt suicide the night I left. Our upstairs neighbor found him unconscious and called 911. He lived, and I know that I had nothing to do with that. He made his own choice.

 

You need to think about you in this case and not worry so much about what will happen to him if you kick him out. It's your house, he has friends and family who he can lean on.

 

Don't let him manipulate you any longer. If you are unhappy and it isn't a workable situation (which after 6 years and he treats you this way it doesn't sound like it is) you have every right to tell him it's over and send him packing.

 

Take care of yourself, and let him take care of himself.

[Dannysgirl]

I agree with the other replies. You definitely need to get away from this guy. He is using emotional abuse & blackmail to control you and you don't need that.

 

I was once with a very insecure guy who I did everything for much like the way you do and he used mental abuse as a way of destroying my confidence so I wouldn't think that anyone else would ever be attracted to me. It sounds like this guy is trying a similar tactic. As for all of the other things that you do for him well, who are you exactly, his mother?

 

This person is a grown man you owe him nothing, and please don't make the mistake of buying the nice 'I'll change' routine its a load of crap.

He knows you're getting to the end of your tether but he doesn't want to lose the cushy little spot he's in so he's going to act all nice until you relent and then he'll be right back to the way he was.

 

Tell him to get out of your house and get a grip and if he says 'I'll commit suicide' say 'good, one less worthless piece of scum on the planet' to let him know you mean business, don't worry about sending him over the edge this guy is a coward a fact that is exemplified by his behaviour. Even if he does try to harm himself its not your fault, he is an adult and responsible for his own actions.

 

Good luck

[chinz]

Two options

 

1) If you can love him unconditionally and with patience and give all the secure feeling he needs by going through his family history and cure each and every incident that has made scar in his mind, he could change gradually. BUt you need high level of patience and understanding. You may be having tolerance as you have been getting abused.

Slowly you can convince and take him to a counsellor.

 

2) It is your life. You may prefer to be happy than taking unpleasant

behaviours and wait for a correction. If your mother supports him, there is nothing you should worry. All people think in different ways. You should never worry abt suicide threatening. You have not done anything wrong in it. You have all the right to live with him or not. If you are not happy,

leave him.