am i being unreasonable?

[iheartmj10]

recently i found a porn site on my bf's computer. i brought it up (sort of just joked about it )but the whole thought of it has really got to me with in the past 2 weeks. i just feel so awful, like he has to look at someone else to get off and it just makes me sick. he gets really weird if i bring it up and doens't like to talk about it. he told me that if i wanted he wouldn't look at them again. i told him it was alright (i didn't want to be a girlfriend that tells her boyfriend not to do something...) but recently it has just really got me down. i am thinking about it constantly and it is really bothering me. today, i sent him an e-mail telling him that, and asking him if he would try not to look at them anymore. i also told him that i would compromise and look at them with him (for ideas) but i just feel so awful for even asking him to stop. i just don't think i could handle it anymore. it makes me feel SO bad about myself and our relationship. i am SO afraid he will see this as me trying to be controling and break up with me. now i don't know if it iwas the right thing to do or not. i just requested that and asked him to be completely honest and that if that wasn't something he could do to just tell me. i didn't really tell him that he can never look at them again or anything like that... i just don't know. maybe i just blew this way out of proportion, i just know that i could NOT go on the way i was/have been feeling for the past 2 weeks. i really really like him so much and don't want to screw what we have up over PORN. ahhhh, what do you think???

[lifeiscash]

ahh porn, well most cases even if he says he will compromise with you, he might not. Porn is more of an addiction. It's not really to be taken personally but then again im not a girl so I can't put judgement on your emotions over the subject. But I can say he is not using it against you in any way to hurt your feelings. To guys, porn is no big deal.. well to the most of them, but sometimes to the girl its means a whole lot more... I just hope its not too big of a deal to where it jepordizes anything, but I Hope that he will be reasonable and listen to your plea because I can tell its a sitation where you are taking it personally.

[kskm]

I personally don't mind my boyfriend looking at porn- most of the time we look at it together. I am confident enough with myself, and our relationship....

 

If it bothers you then you did the right thing by telling him. But maybe take a minute out of your day today to think about why you hate it so much. Is it because you don't like the way you look? Is it because you feel like he's cheating- or would cheat?

 

I think that porn, along with dressing up adding in toys and role playing can help add some fun into your sex life. (Not that I do something out of the ordinary all the time, but it adds some spice every now and again) But some girls don't, and feel maybe for the lack of a better word threatened by it so you must talk to him and explain how it makes you feel. He should try his hardest to please you, but the street goes both ways.

[JynX]

You can't stop guys from looking at porn. You might as well try and stop a dog from barking or chasing after cars. They're guys; they're visual, so porn is usually a big turn on. I personally don't see anything wrong with them looking at porn...if they want to, why not let them? Don't get offended by it, it doesnt mean he's less interested in you. My boyfriend sometimes looks at porn, and I don't really care. I know he doesnt think less of me after seeing all the usual blonde, blue eyed, big chested women you see in these movies or pictures, so I dont mind it.

[SaRaHmArIe8588]

yeah, i agree with JynX, you cant stop guys from looking at porn and i know that my bf doesnt think less of me when hes looking at all the models in magazines. its just in their nature, their guys..pigs ..i wouldnt let it bother you.

[skinskinskin]

wow, i'm in the same boat as you, iheartmj10...

it sucks, doesn't it!?!

the people on this board seem to think that if you have a problem with it, it's because you lack confidence or self-esteem. not such with me at all, that's not the issue. i am having a hell of a time with it. i feel betrayed because he's lied about it. spent money on that stuff. and yes, i do wonder exactly why men do this?!? i don't look at porn, don't need it thanks, and frankly, naked men don't turn me on. yes, i am straight, in a what i think is monogamous relationship. i just don't understand. i feel like he's been cheating on me. it makes me sick sick sick. can someone help? this could ruin a wonderful relationship with children involved. thanks.

[btbt]

It boils down to what you feel comfortable with. If it doesn't bother you or if it's something you can do together, there the porn doesn't have to interfere with the relationship. But if it really bothers you and you ask him to stop and he won't then it's not about porn, but about him not respecting your wishes. If you can reach a compromise, then that's great too, but you have to be sure that you are comfortable with it. Think carefully about how you feel about this. This might be a lifelong habit, so if it does bother you, do you want to be in a long-term relationship where you are nagged by this? Take a more innocuous example -- say your guy has a habit of forgetting to call you when he's late for something. That seems innocuous in itself (he might be really bad about time, he might get caught up in things that are out of his control), but if you tell him it bothers you and he doesn't do anything about it, then he's not listening to you. You can choose to live with it, but you've put the burden on yourself so you have to be able to handle that. Good luck.

[skinskinskin]

yes you are right btbt. we talked about it on friday; but nothing much over the weekend. he said he has stopped and won't anymore... i am taking appropriate measures to ensure that it stops, and if it doesn't then i will know. i suppose that's all i can do. or let it go and not bother me, only time will tell.

 

one more thing that's irritiating me about it is that i thought this was something that happens in relationships where the sex is the problem. we don't have that problem and it makes me think we're not on the same wavelength where that is concerned. although it's something we have discussed in the past.

[btbt]

Good luck skinskinskin, and good luck to the original poster. Porn is a weird thing -- looking at can mean everything and nothing. My ex-boyfriend looked at porn occasionally too and I would go to his apartment and sometimes see a magazine or two laying around. But it didn't bother me because I was very sure of his feelings towards me and we had a fantastic sex life. But in other relationships I had, I think if porn came up it wouldn't make me feel so good. It sounds like, skinskinskin, that you guys are talking things through, which is the most important thing.