When do I initiate contact? or do I?

[MtnBiker22]

Hey all. I have been on this forum for about a month and have done A LOT of reading through all the different posts. And now, I need a little bit of advice/encouragement/etc

 

You can find the background of my story at the link below:

 

link removed

 

She broke up with me 4 weeks ago. We have only talked on the phone once since the breakup (she called me) and have had no other contact at all. I have been giving her time and space knowing that I can't change her mind and, ultimately, any reconciliation is out of my control.

 

We have a vacation booked and paid for next month so I know that NC is inevitably going to have to end soon because we need to plan the trip.

 

My dilemma right now – it's been two weeks since we last talked on the phone. She expressed interest in establishing a friendship with me in order to "rebuild her trust in me" and hinted that there was a chance at reconciliation but that she was not in a place emotionally to handle a relationship right now. When we got off the phone, she said we would talk soon. I made the decision it was best to let her pursue the contact at this point since the breakup was her idea, what she wanted, as well as the friendship. She leaves for a vacation to CO on Sunday and I was really hoping we would touch base before she left but so far, nothing. Should I contact her or leave her be and wait for her to contact me?

 

If you need more info, please see the link above or feel free to PM me. Thanks!

[Day_Walker]

It seems from the way you presented the information in this thread that you want a reason to contact her. I believe that if you dont contact her it puts you in a better position. Let her go on her vacation and have a good time, then when she gets back it would be more appropriate to contact her

[MtnBiker22]

yes, I guess you are right in that I was looking for a reason to contact her. I struggled with whether or not it was "my turn" to contact her. When we last spoke, I knew we probably wouldn't speak again for a while but assumed I would talk to her before her big trip. I wanted to send her a text message, at the very least, to wish her good luck (she has been planning this trip for months) but I think I will reconsider after your advice because I do want to put myself in the best position as possible. *sigh*

[gradle]

yes, reconsider....she's gone through a lot and probably just needs some time alone now....

i think you're doing awesome..and you know you'll be seeing her soon! anbd i know it's impossible not to want more right now, but just be patient and perhaps she'll reconsider once she sees how awesome you look and how awesome you are for your trip...you at least know that that's going to happen adn the two of you will spend some quality time together..

i'm rooting for you mtn!

[MtnBiker22]

please, I really need help now... my world just came crashing down again...

 

I finally got in touch with her when she returned from her trip and she informed me that she was now going on our planned vacation with her mother and was in the process of getting the tickets changed from my name to her mom's. While this hurt me deeply, I understood why she did it because after all, it would be extremely awkward to be in such close quarters for that length of time.

 

The part that hurts the most is that she said she wasn't interested in a friendship anymore (at this time)... that she doesn't do friendships with her exes. While I realize that a friendship takes time after a breakup, I feel like we went from having "a chance" at working at things to nothing at all. Previously, she had said she wanted to rebuild her trust in me through a friendship and that she still wanted to go on the vacation with me... I continued to give her space and now this

 

She said she's sure we'll talk and see each other (we live 3 hours apart) again some day but that she needs time.

 

I want to throw up. She was so cold... so different than the last time we spoke.

 

words of encouragement, funny stories, anything would be appreciated right now. thank you.

[C.C.]

Hi MtnBiker,

 

I am sorry to hear that it happened this way. I can totally relate to what you are feeling now. My ex and I were in a long distant relationship as well.

 

When my ex broke up with me, HE was afraid that I would never want to see him again. But I made a big mistake of keeping contacting him everyday for a month. To some degree he said to me one day that I had to stop pressing, or we would not be able to be friends. I was shocked, but I stopped after that. About two weeks later after that painful conversation when I told him that I missed him (not a good thing to do, though,) he said: yeah, we should plan a date to meet. And we did. He told me that he has always planned to meet, but just needed some time. I know how hard it is when we don't know as for how long it will take. But I have come to realise that when they said that they need time, they really meant it. It has been almost a month now since we saw each other. I asked him once during the month if he would like to see the fire works on 7/4 with me, he thanked me and siad that it would be fun but he thought that he would be uncomfortable. I was disappointed, but it didn't bother me too much anymore for I know that I am a worthy person and that is not the only thing I could do for the 7/4. If he dose love, respect, and want me, we will have many July 4ths ahead to come.

 

Two days ago when I talked to him again, he asked if I had anyhting interesting planned for the weekend. I don't know if he was thinking of getting together or just asking. He has shown a little more affaction to me now. Does it matter to me? Yes, but I won't let it control my own emotions. After all, we need time also for ourselves to heal and to think deep if this is all worth it.

 

I hope this will make you feel a little better.

 

C.C.[/b]

[MtnBiker22]

C.C. - thank you very much for your story. It definitely helps a lot.

 

I am feeling a little better today. If nothing else her words and actions have given me the kick in the a** that I needed to accept that yeah, it really is over.

 

Now I know she doesn't want a friendship; I now have no obligation to her at all. I don't have to debate on whether I should call her or answer her calls or emails because she's made it clear that she wants nothing from me and that's exactly what I'll give her. It hurts but she's left me with only one option - MOVE ON. I've blocked her from IM and deleted her phone numbers from my cell phone (just in case I get weak… pretty bad that I don't know her numbers w/o my cell phone… lol)

 

One of two things will happen as a result

 

1. she'll move on with her life thankful I haven't called, emailed, or texted

 

2. she'll realize 3, 6, 9 months from now that she made a mistake – will I listen to what she has to say? Yes - but chances are that I will have moved on… and so goes the story of life and love.

 

Of course, even learning to accept it doesn't take the pain away - only time can do that

[MtnBiker22]

Just an update and my mental ramblings…

 

I haven't had any contact with my ex since we established we wouldn't go on the vacation together. She sent an email a week later letting me know she was sending me a check for my half of the vacation expenses. I never received the check. When she returned from the trip, she sent me a sincere apology letting me know she had completely forgotten to send it and that she needed my address as she had misplaced it (seem weird to anyone?). Anyway, I replied giving her my address and telling her to let me know if she needed anything else, very to the point but tried to be polite as well.

 

Tonight I got another email from her which was much less cold and more "friend-like" in nature to her previous emails. There is a little background to this email though – I had sent her a hand-written letter last week which I won't get into. Basically, in the time we've had apart, I've realized some things I did that were detrimental to the relationship, especially when she was going through so much of her own stuff; the letter was letting her know I had realized these things and was working to fix them. I had also sent her a one sentence email yesterday because there was a bad car accident miles from where she lives involving 19 cars and 4 fatalities – it made the news in my state and I was concerned for her safety since it was on a road she traveled often.

 

I guess in the time we've had apart, I've somewhat accepted the loss and have been trying my best to move on especially since she indicated she didn't want a friendship from me. I honestly didn't expect a response at all to my letter or to my email making sure she was ok (of course, I hoped she would respond). I was shocked to have received an email from her that was not at all cold like her previous emails. It was just a "friendly" email; I still don't think she wants to get back together. I think she was serious when she said she needed time for her heart to heal from everything she had gone through. I don't know if she would ever consider us again – she told me there was a chance at one point but that was 2 weeks after we split and things could have changed for her since then. She seems to be a little more open to a "friendship" again but I don't want to push her on anything. Her email didn't say anything in it that necessarily required a response but there were things I could respond to, if that makes sense. My thinking is this, she is going to send my check on Monday so I figured I could "respond" to her email when I receive the check so she knows I got it.

 

What do I want out of all of this – to get her back to wanting to "regain her trust in me through a friendship" I know all this sounds silly – we were only together for 4 months and it's been 2 since the breakup. In theory, I should "be over her" but our feelings for each other were so intense, that just doesn't happen. I've healed a lot from this and am really working on myself right now. With all that said, I still feel very strongly for this girl. I'm definitely moving on from it and trying to maintain a healthy balance between the two. I guess the email really threw me off since I had convinced myself she was done and wouldn't respond; I'm happy she did.

 

Any thoughts or comments are always welcome and accepted with an open mind.

[PlayBrat]

Mt...I admire AND respect the efffort you have put forth. You seem like a GREAT guy...BUT here is the test. Can you be indifferent and somewhat "arrogant" with this woman? That may be in order I'NOT saying be a jerk by any means...but being little a little indiffernt and arrogant can go a long way

Are you funny?? If you are...make her laugh.

Be ANYTHING but "clingy".....god women hate that...

 

Women like men to be strong, tough...and yes....even indifferent..BUT...we ALSO want you to have a heart..just not a bleeeding heart. We need to know YOU can rescue us.....IF we need it., but we also need to know you admire and love us for being able to rescue ourselves!!!! Laugh at our foibles..find them "endearing"...but be proud if we can change a flat tire at 2 a.m. by ourselves in a downpour.....

Get my Drift?

Women want you tell them you find them absolutely ADORABLE.we want you to stroke our hair...and tell us about your day....

We want you to tellus about that hot chick you met...BUT how much better or gorgeous we are compared to her.....believe me....we DO listen!

On the other hand..a woman who CARES or wants to be with you..will listen...care...and reciprocate your thoughts AND feelings. Just remember that.

Hope that helps some.