Is missing a relationship deadline equatable to lying?

[someguy69]

If you tell your girlfriend that, "we'll definitely be engaged within the next six months", and at the end of those six months, you explain that you've been extremely busy at work, and have been working on a special unique custom ring design, and show her the drawings (for her approval), and tell her that you're going to get the ring made now that you have the design done... and she tells you that you lied, because you said that you'd be engaged by now, and you don't even have a ring, just a drawing...

 

Is she right... you're a liar? Is getting bogged down with work essentially "lying"?

 

Opinions?

[misery12]

Well, it's not lying.. it's more of a broken promise..

If she loves you, she should understand that.. and it seems she's just frusturated because she was probably really excited, and now she has to wait even longer.

[snowgirl]

Um. Whether there was a promise or not, marriage is no game, if you are ready, you are ready, and if you are not, you're not. Promising someone that you will be engaged by a certain time is...well, I have no words for that. If you're going to get engaged, get engaged. If you're going to hem and haw about it, you're not ready.

 

If you find you have to make excuses, you are not ready. Promises or no promises.

[Iceman26]

It doesnt really sound like you are lying, just putting it off. Couldnt you always propose to her, and give her the ring later?

 

She knows what the ring will look like, so why not go ahead and pop the question?

[lillady898]

Well, I'm pretty sure getting enagaged without a ring wouldn't be an option, now would it?...

 

You probably shouldn't have given her an exact date. But she should understand that through how busy you are at work, you're just trying to get her the perfect engagement ring.

 

If you are planning on getting engaged, that doesn't mean you can't start planning your wedding. I have a friend who is planning her wedding with her boyfriend, yet they aren't engaged yet because he's saving up money for an extremely nice ring. They even have the date set.

 

I don't understand what not getting engaged at a certain time is really pushing off if you're planning on getting married anyways...

[RayKay]

Well, I don't really like the idea of "promising" a timeline...I would think it was promised in order to "keep" someone around and when it was not followed through on, she took it as a sign that it was not truly meant hence her reaction.

 

Did you promise a proposal as she was asking about it, how long have you been together now? Have you discussed marriage a few times? Since you made that promise have you talked about it at all?

 

I think it would depend on if you have made such promises before and let her down, or not as to how she may have felt.

 

That being said....engagements should happen when it feels right, as should marriage. Not according to a timeline or "when it should be expected already". Getting married just because it is the "next step" is not really the right attitude..it should be as both partners want it, and are ready for it and aware of what they are entering into in all aspects...they share similar goals, values, compatibilities and have a healthy relationship. I don't think you can rush that, or give it a timeline, and she also needs to respect that it will happen when it is right and you are ready.

 

But again, I don't know the context of your relationship and the promise.

[Iceman26]

Well, I'm pretty sure getting enagaged without a ring wouldn't be an option, now would it?...

 

I got engaged without a ring, whats wrong with that? My fiance knows I will be getting her one.

[DN]

I got engaged without a ring as well, a few days later we went to the jeweller and chose one together.

 

What is important is the promise to marry - the ring is just a symbol of that.

[lillady898]

I got engaged without a ring, whats wrong with that? My fiance knows I will be getting her one.

 

Nothing is wrong with a that at all! I was just asking if that'd be an option of someeguy's relationship specifically. But I'm thinking that it's more important to have a ring in someguy's engagement, seeing as how that is what the whole thing is waiting on.

Every couple does things differently.

 

Didn't mean to offend anyone, sorry.

[Iceman26]

None taken, I am hard to offend

 

I see what you mean.

[someguy69]

Well, I don't really like the idea of "promising" a timeline...I would think it was promised in order to "keep" someone around and when it was not followed through on, she took it as a sign that it was not truly meant hence her reaction.

 

It was promised due to her pushing for a timeline.

 

Did you promise a proposal as she was asking about it, how long have you been together now? Have you discussed marriage a few times? Since you made that promise have you talked about it at all?

 

We'll have been together two years this sunday.

 

I think it would depend on if you have made such promises before and let her down, or not as to how she may have felt.

 

She takes promises very seriously, but I have a track record of breaking promises I have been badgered into.

 

That being said....engagements should happen when it feels right, as should marriage. Not according to a timeline or "when it should be expected already". Getting married just because it is the "next step" is not really the right attitude..it should be as both partners want it, and are ready for it and aware of what they are entering into in all aspects...they share similar goals, values, compatibilities and have a healthy relationship. I don't think you can rush that, or give it a timeline, and she also needs to respect that it will happen when it is right and you are ready.

 

Well, she's under a lot of pressure from friends and family... and it ends up coming back to me as nagging. I felt far more certain we'd be getting engaged and married before all this nagging came along. Now that it has become more of a right here, right now, hurry up issue, I'm having a lot of second thoughts.

[DN]

Talk to her and tell her how you feel, which seems to me to be a little conflicted, even on here. Your reason for not proposing has changed in the course of your posts from the ring not being ready to doubts due to nagging and pressure.

[RayKay]

I agree with DN.

 

If you are not sure, I would definitely not propose under pressure. It is far better to wait until you are ready, than to break off an engagement or end up in divorce as you were not yet ready....

 

It was pretty apparent though you were unsure, as if you WERE sure, I think even being busy, things would of gotten done as you would of been jumping through hoops to make things happen. She may have seen the failure to follow through as a sign of your unwillingness at this point and reacted to it.

 

Talk to her and tell her how you feel about the "pressure" from her friends and family, and that when it is demanded from you, it feels less desirable.

[Hope75]

Well, she's under a lot of pressure from friends and family... and it ends up coming back to me as nagging. I felt far more certain we'd be getting engaged and married before all this nagging came along. Now that it has become more of a right here, right now, hurry up issue, I'm having a lot of second thoughts.

 

I think this a classic example of why some relationships go bad.

 

When I moved in with my bf in Nov of 02, he told me we'd live together for a year and then get engaged. Well things started changing and he wasn't so happy about it and he didn't propose, then I was pushing him about where the relationship was going, which made him back away even more... we ended up breaking up. We are now back together, but it took alot to get here.

 

It's a vicious cycle.

 

As RayKay and others have posted, you should not be proposing until if and when you feel the time is right, and you want to devote your life to her and a marriage with her.

 

Regardless of what pressue she is receiving, it has to be something both of you want for the same reasons, not because you don't want to hear it from family and friends, and you are tired of being nagged by you gf about it.

 

Do you think you still want to marry her? Are your feelings changing?

[someguy69]

Well, truthfully events of the past several months have made me get cold feet.

 

About ten months ago, we were discussing marriage and suddenly it was something that required a date (this would be after going out for about 15 months). We tossed around the idea, and by Christmas she was heartbroken that she didn't receive an engagement ring (for Christmas), blaming me for getting her hopes up by telling her that (after her nagging me as to what I was getting her) her Christmas present was a big surprise. Stupid me didn't know that "big surprise" means "engagement ring".

 

In January we went on a cruise (with her family and her friends), and she came accross this ring she liked in a jewelry shop on the boat, and all of a sudden everyone in the store was telling me it was a nice ring and I should get it for her (family, strangers, salespeople, etc). This event ruined our trip.

 

I told her the ring wasn't what I had in mind, but she thought it was the most perfect ring she ever saw. I told her that I wanted to design the ring myself... and she told me she would never like another ring the same... and in the meantime someone else ended up buying it.

 

She feels the relationship isn't moving forward fast enough, and I think two years is hardly a long time to have known each other.

[DN]

Two years is not an unreasonable time to decide if you want to marry someone. But I think you should not marry her if you are not sure, but you should also not lead her to expect a proposal if you are not going to propose.

 

Time to do some hard thinking and make some hard decisions.

[Hope75]

Two years is a decent amount of time to get to know someone, but if you aren't ready, you aren't ready, and that is completely fair and legitimate--and this is coming from someone who was freaking out at her bf when he didn't propose after 18 months too.

 

We are now going on almost 3 years and I realized that when I pushed him and we broke up, more than anything I wanted to be with him, not for a ring or any other reason, and if I could learn to relax and let him love me and not the ring monster, he just might decide that he would like to marry me...someday.

 

I think if you aren't sure you are smart take some more time. Obviously we are not talking the 10 year plan because after a certain amount of time either you know you want to spend your life with her or you don't.... but given that the dynamic of your relationship has been about "the proposal" and when "the proposal is going to happen", I can see why the tremendous amount of pressure makes you back off.

 

You want the proposal to be your idea, not something you were harassed into.

 

Maybe instead of giving your girl timelines you know you might not keep, you need to come clean and tell her how you really feel. That way you can work on this together instead of you continuing to feel uncertain while she can't understand why you haven't just asked her already.

[someguy69]

Two years is not an unreasonable time to decide if you want to marry someone.

 

Unreasonably long or short?

 

I personally feel that two years is not a very long time... especially if you don't live together. This is around the time when true colours start to shine through.

[DN]

It is not unreasonable in either direction. It is very much an individual thing.

 

It was wartime and normal rules etc. did not apply, but my parents married after knowing each other for 6 weeks, the marriage lasted until my mother died over 40 years later.

[someguy69]

Maybe instead of giving your girl timelines you know you might not keep, you need to come clean and tell her how you really feel. That way you can work on this together instead of you continuing to feel uncertain while she can't understand why you haven't just asked her already.

 

She pushed for a timeline and a date, and she has her own timeline agenda (married by 28, kids by 30, yadda yadda yadda) that she seems bound and determined to stick to.

 

How can I make it clear to her that she needs to back off a bit, without giving me any sort of ultimatum, so that I have some breathing space, without her thinking that I'm not taking the relationship seriously?

[Hope75]

She pushed for a timeline and a date, and she has her own timeline agenda (married by 28, kids by 30, yadda yadda yadda) that she seems bound and determined to stick to.

 

How can I make it clear to her that she needs to back off a bit, without giving me any sort of ultimatum, so that I have some breathing space, without her thinking that I'm not taking the relationship seriously?

 

I had the same timeline almost, married by age 30, first kid by 32. Guess what, 30 is a mere 5 months away, and no ring a ding... Sometimes we have to reset our time frames in order to accommodate all involved.

 

I think you should tell her that you love her very much, and that you are feeling way too much pressure from her to get married, and that (if this is true) you do want to marry her, but you need to do it in your own time, and while it won't be forever till that happens, it will be longer than you originally told her.

 

If she wants to marry you, she will be upset at first but should try to understand. If she just wants to marry for the sake of getting married, than she may leave, but that isn't something you can change. It's better if you find that out now, rather than later.

 

Good luck.

[DN]

I would also be concerned about her motivation for marriage - is it because she loves you and wants to be with you, or is it because she wants children? To want both is normal, but sometimes people want children and the marriage is very secondary.

[socalguy123]

I was writing a whole different reply, but I decided to cut it short as the other one was starting to miss the point...

 

I think, she thinks its ok to sorta manipulate you with guilt and such. I think, you love her, but you're not ready, from what you say. I think love is the basis for a good relationship, and eventually, a happy and successful marriage. But love is not enough for that marriage. If you're not ready, financially, emotionally, career-wise, personal growth-wise, then you may be making a big mistake, no matter how much you love her. And no matter how much she loves you.

 

Make a wise decision.

[OceanEyes]

How can I make it clear to her that she needs to back off a bit, without giving me any sort of ultimatum, so that I have some breathing space, without her thinking that I'm not taking the relationship seriously?

 

Judging by how dead-set she seems on meeting "deadlines", you probably won't have a choice in the matter, of whether or not she's going to be upset. No matter how you say it, it's still going to say to her, "I don't want to marry you yet". And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. This is about your future and your happiness too - not everything can revolve around deadlines and what SHE wants and expects. Don't be pushed around or pressured - you matter in this equation.

[Hope75]

 

Judging by how dead-set she seems on meeting "deadlines", you probably won't have a choice in the matter, of whether or not she's going to be upset. No matter how you say it, it's still going to say to her, "I don't want to marry you yet". And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. This is about your future and your happiness too - not everything can revolve around deadlines and what SHE wants and expects. Don't be pushed around or pressured - you matter in this equation.

 

Good point Ocean Eyes!

 

This is about 2 people, not just her. It should be when both of you feel right. This is a lifetime committment, and should not be rushed, or entered into lightly.