suicide-- kinda

[confused987]

for a while now, i've been thinking about suicide on a daily basis.

 

my life is the lowest it has ever been-- i finally realize that my mother is never going to get herself together to get her children back, my father was just arrested again, i live with my paternal grandparents (who give me NO privelidges beyond the internet-- and even then i have a 3-hour max), my internet friend made up some piss-poor excuse not to talk to me anymore, and im just about to kill my brother for his instigating and irritating tactics toward me.

 

 

the suicide thoughts that i have... they're not like "oh, i'll kill myself to end it all now." they're more like "i wonder who would come to my funeral? would they speak? what would they say? would they cry?"

 

i'm convinced that there's only one person who cares and could help me-- but i'm forbidden to talk to her. she's got piercings and tattoos and that sends off red flags to my grandparents, so they think that she's a bad influence (ITS JUST NOT TRUE-- she showed up late in the school year, so it was hard for her to catch up, so she decided that it was okay to miss a lot of school and get underaverage grades and to go to summer school and start fresh next year... my grades are still in the highest honors, all of my extracurriculars are being held, and i've only missed a couple days of school, which were before she showed up! they swear up and down that i'm oh-so-impressionable, but really, it's hard to change my goody-two-shoes/worry wart/paranoid persona.

 

 

and on top of all that, i get too attached to people. my internet friend who i mentioned up there ^^^, i had only known for about 3 weeks when he decided to act like he didn't know how old i was, IM a friend to "find out" and then not even tell me that we're not talking anymore. i thought we were the closest of friends, but i guess not.

 

now i wonder about all of my other "friends."

[DN]

Your life sounds very difficult and I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

Perhaps it would help a little if you could see things from your grandparents point of view. They are responsible for you and obviously want the best for you - or they wouldn't bother about looking out for your best interests. You may not agree with their decisions about your friends and the amount of time on the internet, but they are doing that because they worry about you, not to make your life hard.

 

Remember that they must feel some sort of guilt about the way they raised your Dad, if he is always getting into trouble, and so they probably feel they don't want the same thing to happen to you.

 

It is just as much a demonstration of love for your children and grandchildren to try to bring them up with rules and boundaries as it is to let them do what they want- more so, really, if you come to think about it.

 

Try to show them in every way that you are responsible and becoming more adult. Not just with grades etc. but with the way you accept what they say. If you act as an adult, soon they will treat you like one.

 

Internet friendships are notoriously difficult - and if this guy is older he may be scared of talking to a 15 year old girl in case he is accused of something bad. Don't take it personally.

[confused987]

Thanks DN for replying. There's nothing really that I have to say beacuse you covered it all, but my grandparents are people that are very hard to understand.

 

They tell me that I'm a miserable, ungrateful brat who hates them jut because i like to go to my friend's house after a long day of school, work, and then volunteer work. Last week, i asked to go to that friend's house, and my grandfather told me that if i wasnt back by 8:30, they'd call the police and say i ran away! i got to my friends house and all i did was cry (until, that is, she did her thing and had me laughing-- she's the only person who can make me laugh when i'm feeling like total crap). my grandparents think that because my dad screwed up, me and my brother are going to screw up! my dads brotehrs all got privelidges like the ability to stay out until 10 pm, then after they got their license, it was midnight!! i dont even get to stay out until 9 o'clock!!

 

i understand what you said about them worrying, but i honestly believe that they're doing it because they're still sour about my dad screwing up his and their lives.. not to mention that they hate my mother with every fiber in their being, and they even told us that.

 

 

Thanks, I appreciate the reply.

[brando]

Well... i can honestly say i thought of the same thing when i was younger, and the reality i learned was that i didnt know who would come to my funeral, or who really cared.

 

Some people have such difficulty showing they care. The obvious response to people like this is that they dont. Which may or may not be true.

 

I never lived my life as a popularity contest, either someoene likes me or they dont. I spent time trying to get along with people that showed less inteterest in me, but i am past that now. I have choices to make in my life, i will choose who my frieds are, and not allow them to choose me.

 

Confused... you are learning some hard lessons on life... as DN said try hard not to take things personally, if you can learn to do this now, you will be way ahead of the game. People have their opinions, but it doesnt mean they are right.

 

Your grandparents seem to be concerned about you and your future...of course they dont know your friend, and they could be completely wrong about her and her effect on you. Try seeing it as a sign of how much they love and care about you.

 

You will be fine, just take one day at a time. Your years are most confusing now, so much going on... but they are also the most exciting and fun, try your best to enjoy them, focus on what you have and not what you dont have. I know it is easier said than done.

 

I hope everything turns out well for you...

[sillygoose]

Hi Confused987. I felt the same way when i was your age. And i thought about killing myself plenty of times and figured no one would even notice. My family has plenty of messed up problems but my living arrangements were not quite as difficult as yours sound like.

 

My advice to you, is to hang on. Give it time. Don't kill yourself over a problem that's only going to take up 5% of your life. Seriously, it'll pass. If you'd like to IM sometime, let me know and i'll give you my screename. I'll listen.

[hurtwou]

Hunny, trust me been there done that....would you seriously wanna kill yourself over that? Just think when you get older you can leave and live on your own! I mean why past up that privledge just becuase your upset now? life is way to short to want to kill yourself...dont do it hunny