trendyfcuk Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Okay, well I turned on our computer this morning [my boyfriends and i] and i went to the top to go to link removed but i noticed there was a porn site ... then i opened up windows media player and it was link removed or something, so i went there, and it was porn. in the past couple days ive been really sick and working at night, so i dont see my boyfriend until i get home after work... so we havent been having much sex. he says he didnt look at it, he downloaded something else but that came up and he deleted it right away.... i really want to believe him, but i think i overreacted . I want to be sexy to him ! But I have been so out of it and so tired that we havent had time to do "it"... i dont want him getting off to porn! is this insecurity ? or is it normal..... i talked to him about it today and he swore he didnt ... i dont know what to do !im still freaking out about it . i love him and i dont want to lose him ....... Link to comment
RayKay Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Well, maybe you will have to take his word for it. Maybe he is looking at it, and does not want to hurt you though...have you told him porn bothers you? Personally, I don't mind it, but if you do mind it and he knows then there should be some communication about that. If you can't do "it" for him due to being away, he probably needed some relief..which is normal (whether with porn or not). I am not sure why you are worried that you will lose him...not having sex for two days and him looking at porn will not mean you are losing him, unless you are having some serious problems otherwise? There are many times in life where we may be "out of it" or "too tired", but sometimes we need to put intimacy before sleep with our partners...it does not excuse the porn if he knows it bothers you, but it is also not fair to expect him to just sit and wait until you are "not out of it" either. Why don't you communicate with him about how it makes you feel, or maybe take his word for it. In my opinion it likely was intentional if it was a downloaded mediaplayer clip..but if he is denying it as intentional not sure how you can prove otherwise. Is it worth the battle to you? If yes, then by all means, but be prepared for the outcome. Link to comment
trendyfcuk Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 I just hate the thought of him getting off to "someone else" ... i know it makes me sound so selfish and so insecure .... but yes, porn bugs me unless we're watching it together ... I have told him this I dont know Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 ... i dont want him getting off to porn! is this insecurity ? or is it normal..... I have to say, as I have said on threads about porn that pop up here about every two weeks or so, Viewing porn is pretty normal, and healthy. It is not a form of "cheating", it does not mean that he doesn't think you are sexy, or the he doesn't love you. Some couples watch porn individually, and some watch it together. As long as it is not affecting your sex life, it shouldn't be a big deal. My bf looks a porn as do I, and we are both OK with it, and we do watch it together from time to time as well, it can spice things up. There are times when neither of us wants to do the "seduction scene" and justs wants to have a quick pleasure, and porn is a "handy" tool to help us along. If it bothers you, I think you need to examine why that is. Why are you insecure? Does your bf tell you he loves you? Does he show you? Do you have an active healthy sex life? If so, I think you need to accept that it's not a big deal. If there are other issues of mistrust or insecurity on your part, you need to address those with you bf, it's important that you feel loved and comfortable and sexy with him. If you don't, it's something you can work on together. Link to comment
I_love_rain_hugs_and_you Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 It is possible for porn to download itself even when one goes to an innocent website (this has happened to me numerous times). But more likely that not, he has been looking at porn. I personally think that those in committed relationships should not look at porn because it is cheating. Tell him to choose you or the porn. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 i dont want him getting off to porn! is this insecurity ? or is it normal..... Personally I see it as insecurity if you feel that you need to be the only source of sexual excitement for your bf. Since Ive said that I feel that this problem resides with you and not your bf. If one person has an issue with porn in a relationship then it needs to be discussed and some sort of agreement/understanding needs to be reached. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I personally think that those in committed relationships should not look at porn because it is cheating. I have to disagree. Using images online or on TV of people having sex or masterbating is not cheating. There is no physical contact, no intimacy, no shared feelings, it is only watching TV or the internet. It's a tool to help you pleasure yourself. It does not stop you from having a healthy, loving relationship with your partner. If it does, then I agree there is a problem. Otherwise, I think it's fine. Link to comment
OceanEyes Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 The bottom line with porn, is that nobody elses' opinions should even be a factor when you think about it. For example, let's say that you don't approve of alcohol, but I drink it all the time. Is your opinion going to matter when I drink a beer? Is it going to make a difference? No. I'm just saying that the only person's opinion and views on pornography that should be important to you, are your own. Some people don't mind it, and some people do. There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to the heart, in my opinion. YOU are the one who has to live in your relationship and deal with the subsequent emotions - not me. I'll just point out, that I have downloaded things off the net that have turned out to be porn, and it's sometimes impossible to tell until it's completely downloaded. If you really don't like it that much, you shouldn't have to live with it. If it's something that you just don't understand, try getting things out in the open with your man about it. I won't tell you whether or not I think porn is 'ok' because I'm not the one who has to live with it, and I'm not you. Link to comment
Meow18 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I think it just depends on the person. I think that if a guy was looking at porn and it really hurt the girlfriend, then he should respect her feelings. It would be totally jerky of him to justify hurting it by saying "oh it's normal & i can't stop.." If both people in the relationship are ok with it, then I think that's a different story, but if a girl is really feeling hurt about it, than thats an issue. What's more important? Porn, or making your girlfriend/boyfriend feel important in your relationship? It might be insecurity, who knows, but that doesn't make it ok, especially if the guy is well aware of it. Link to comment
trendyfcuk Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 I raelly appreciate everybody's responses. If i'm not aware of it... and he doesnt want to tell me... that does hurt me. we're going to talk about this when he comes home from lunch... figure things out. if he swears he didnt... ill take his word for it but im going to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that i dont like it and i dont appreciate it . i'm not okay with it... ive been hurt really badly, so i am still insecure and the thought of him watching porn just triggers those feelings. any more responses would be great. thanks for your support guys. Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I raelly appreciate everybody's responses. If i'm not aware of it... and he doesnt want to tell me... that does hurt me. we're going to talk about this when he comes home from lunch... figure things out. if he swears he didnt... ill take his word for it but im going to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that i dont like it and i dont appreciate it . i'm not okay with it... ive been hurt really badly, so i am still insecure and the thought of him watching porn just triggers those feelings. any more responses would be great. thanks for your support guys. FCUK, (nice brand by the way ) did you know he was interested in porn before you & he were involved with eachother? b/c if you did know then its highly unfair to try to 'train' him now NOT to look at it..... and you cant blast him for this. b/c if he had no idea it bothered you, you cant hold it against him. do not over react chill out and just tell him how it makes you feel. if he wasnt interested in porn before you, and NOW knows how much it upsets you, and if he STILL CONTINUES to look it up, then he is being highly disrespectful of your wishes and its up to you whether or not you can tolerate it. -DG724 Link to comment
trendyfcuk Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 I'm not sure if he watched it before we met each other... He knows it bugs me... and i dont even know if he watched it last night. he might be trying to protect my feelings ? he's home soon... so ill talk to him. /sigh thanks for everything guys. Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 well, ask him if he used to look at any. did he know initially that porn upsetted you? and he could just be prevented a serious outrage by dilluting the situation, or maybe he never did look it up. whatever the case, personally i dont think its means to get so bent over. so id just inform him how it makes you feel and dead the issue. goodluck. -DG724 Link to comment
Mr Meh Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Okay, well I turned on our computer this morning [my boyfriends and i] and i went to the top to go to link removed but i noticed there was a porn site If this was a button in the toolbar or even a series of sites in the favorites, then it is almost 100% a virus or unintentional download of spyware. These can come from virtually anywhere (downloading MP3s, looking for a hint on Super Mario, etcetc)...If he says he wasn't, please give him the benefit of the doubt. No offense, but you are acting so hysterically (sorry can;t think of a less-dramatic word) about this, that he may be inclined to deny it anyway! If you let him know how you feel about it, in a rational manner (if you have rationalized why it bothers you so much) then he'll be informed and it will be up to him if he wants to respect your wishes for him to act in a certain way to alleviate your concerns. Link to comment
Meow18 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 She's not going crazy over this in my opinion. She has said that she's going to talk to him and tell him her feelings, not accuse him. Anyways, I think that there's nothing wrong with not liking the idea of porn. I think that if her boyfriend wants to be respectful of her feelings, then he will stop. Otherwise there are more problems than just him looking at porn. Link to comment
trendyfcuk Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 Yeah, I'm really not going crazy I've talked to him . We're fine. Thanks for all the advice! Link to comment
Meow18 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Just because it's not cheating does not mean it won't make the other person in the relationship feel uncomfortable. I was watching Dr Phil once and he was talking to an engaged couple about porn. The boyfriend looked at porn and the girlfriend was really hurt by it. The boyfriend said things like "I love her and I should quit because I know it's hurting her, but it's natural guy thing to do so I'm not going to." That was the worst excuse ever. I found this link if anyone is interested. link removed Of course not everyone has to agree. But I believe that relationships are about respect. If you can't respect the other's feelings, then there's a huge problem. Even if the girl is just insecure, shouldn't the guy respect that too?? How could him looking at porn help make her feel any more secure? I would think it would make her feel less secure. Link to comment
Steffie Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 i watched the site of dr. phil and i agree with him. looking porn by your bf can hurt a girls feelings a lot. i know that. and especially when your bf denies it or keep it silent so you're not sure. it's hardly believe him when he says he does not but when u think he does! you'll never know or he's telling you the thruth about it. for saving you're feelings... but when u hurt about it, i think he can't go on with it, he has you now so he have to choose for u. i know the hurting and insurance and it's hard to deal with it. so, iwish everyone, who has this problem, the best, because i know how it is. Steffie Link to comment
socalguy123 Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 I personally think that those in committed relationships should not look at porn because it is cheating. Tell him to choose you or the porn. Nothing personal, but I disagree completely with this statement. Any guy who says he has never looked at porn before is either a liar, or doesn't have a computer or access to any forms of media: read, he is a hermit. A person who enjoys porn while their mate is out, is NOT cheating on them. If a woman told me now, that I had to choose between porn or her--I'd laugh in her face and tell her to grow a backbone. Again, nothing personal, but I just tend to see an opinion like the above, shows a lack of maturity and a lack of understanding of the human condition. Sex affects us all. Sexy thoughts run through our minds every few seconds. Guys can't help it. Anyway, best wishes for you! Link to comment
I_love_rain_hugs_and_you Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 I don't look at porn and there are lots of guys who don't look at porn. Some do, some don't. Link to comment
Steffie Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Socalguy123, i do understand your reaction on my opinion and i do know how it 'works' for guys. but i have negative feelings and emotions about it. that also has to do with my insurance, i know that, but i can't help having this hurting feelings. just like you can't help having sexual thoughts running throuhg your mind. but it is what you do with them. you can 'surrender' to them or you can do nothing with it for the respect and love for your gf, if you don't want to get her hurt. i-love-rain-hugs-and-you writes he doesn't look and i believe him. (i read his opinion about this earlier on this site). but i also think he is one of the few. and i would be happy if my bf had that opinion. Steffie Link to comment
Mr Meh Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 How far should a person have to go to spare their partner from insecurity? I think the women who have an issue with their bf viewing porn have to examine their reason for having an issue with it. If the woman was a chef and her boyfriend was always watching Julia Child on TV and the gf felt insecure, should he stop watching? I don't think it is fair for one person to have to choose between 2 things just because another doesn't like it. It's understood that sometimes things have to be altered to take another's feelings into account, but this can become a control issue if one of the people has a lot of insecurities. Link to comment
trendyfcuk Posted June 17, 2005 Author Share Posted June 17, 2005 Hey, well Mr Meh, I'm going to have to disagree with ya. The whole "chef" thing is COMPLETELY different from what I was talking about. I'll give you and update. My boyfriend and I talked, he swore he didnt look, and I believe him. I told him how it makes me feel and how I disagree with the whole "porn scene" ... He said it doesn't matter. He's really in love with me, and our relationship is not all about sex. I didnt say "ITS EITHER THE PORN OR ME" .... I talked to him reasonably about it and explained. he wants to respect my feelings. i dont feel that porn is cheating if your bf/gf is okay with it, but when it gets to the point where you feel you have to hide something, there's a problem. a relationship is about love... security... if the porn makes the girl.. the guy.. insecure, why would you do that to them? just my opinion you dont have to agree! Link to comment
trendyfcuk Posted June 17, 2005 Author Share Posted June 17, 2005 and when he said "it doesnt matter" ... he meant the porn doesnt matter! Link to comment
Meow18 Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 I'm glad you were able to talk things out with him about that! He seems like an awesome guy for not getting mad and caring about you enough to respect your feelings! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now