trying to trust

[sam_i-am]

it is hard to trust my hubby but i am trying he has a friend at work and she is married she tells him everything she calls him and talks to him. yesterday she called and i called her back to see what she wanted well i ask her if she had a thing for him she said they are friends but when we went over there on memorail day she hardly talked to me but did him

he said i have to get over this cause they are just friends and nothing else but i cant help but to think something might happen should i be worried i mean i love him and i know he loves me this is what we agrue about he called her back last nite to see if she was ok said that i made a butt out of him and me i told him that me and her talked and she didnt seem upset

[DN]

Has he ever cheated before - or have you suspected that he has with anyone else?

[suprema99]

I would the last thing you would want to do is seem jeleous in this situation. Yes, it's possible she has different intentions here, but you have to give him the benefit of the doubt until you would have something more concrete. He may be clueless to this and thing she is just simply a friend at work. But definatley if he had ever cheated on you in the past, I would think twice. Goodluck

[miracle29]

I already know i'm going to get hisses and boos for this one, but I promise you it will work if you do it correctly. The only way to let a man know exacly how it feels to be put in a predicament that he has put you in is to fight fire with fire. I know....Hisssssssss...but listen to this first before you swear me off....

 

Have a male (JUST A FRIEND) call you anytime he pleases...and see if hubby has a problem with that. I promise you 9/10 he will. He will scant, and become upset and you say...Look if you can have co-workers calling you so can i.

 

You must not pick a man who is into you..only a platonic friend, or co-worker. Tell them before hand what is happening and see what they think. I have a male best friend who would do it in a heart beat. I hate unfair play. And even though this may sound like a silly childish game (it is) it will get you just the reaction you need. Most men need to feel what you are going through before they can make changes. If they don't then they just see you as a naggggggg! So take action, don't complain....just take action. If he reacts jealously, then you may have more answers then you were ready to deal with...

P.s. This is just like a strip club post...if you wanna keep a man out the club, tell him next time he goes it will be you he sees sliding up and down teh pole...HA...

 

Men this also works for women, if she can dish it, she can take it, and if she can't then changes need to be made. Sometimes people have to see what they are doing before they can say "Oh man that hurts, maybe I shouldnt do this"..

 

YOU ARE HIS WIFE...so to hell with this floosy, if she needs help she needs to call a 1800 number not your hubbys...

 

 

 

I know Forum...HISSSSSS SSSSS

[suprema99]

that would would work also, I agree. The problem with that is why would she want to mess with a husband that might have good intentions? Only mess with people like that who really deserve it, is what I say.

[sam_i-am]

i know but she is married also i just dont understand why she cant talk to her hubby she sees my hubby at work she could talk to him there but she wants to get together and hang out but i feel uncomfortable there when she dont try to talk to me and i told her this she said she didnt know me

[suprema99]

I know alot of guys who look and talk too girls, who are married guys. Would they ever act on it, maybe, but most just like to look and talk. Reality is usually when they come home. goodluck

[Mr. Cactus]

If I ever end up getting married or even get into a relationship with a woman, not only would I have all expectations of a romantic emotional attachment with her, but I would expect her to be my best friend as well. And I would hope she would see me that way as well, btw. I could not ever see myself confiding in any other females apart from my mother and sister, assuming my relationship with my wife or partner was a healthy one.

 

I have a lot of difficulty coming to terms with this husband's friendship with another woman. I can guarantee if I were in the husband's position then the most I would ever be with this woman is nothing more than a work acquaintance.

 

I also think the original poster's husband is being pretty selfish telling her that she simply has to accept the situation. If it were my marriage I wouldn't have let this woman into my life as that sort of friend in the first place. But even if I had, if my wife was not 100% comfortable with it, I would stop it straight away.

 

I reckon miracle29 does have a good point. I bet the husband would not be happy if the wife suddenly found a new male friend she could "talk" to. Maybe Sam-I am could at least consider asking her husband the question...that is, how would he feel if she suddenly started regularly talking and confiding in a new male friend.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

It's not ok, unless your friend is gay. Wow that rhymes.

 

BUT the point is -- when you get married, you put your marriage first. Not your friends. Not your other relationships: your marriage. Period. That's the what COMITTMENT means. You have every right to demand that they stop talking.

 

And it's not just friendship. Why the hell isn't she talking to her own husband? If your intuition is going off, listen to it before it's too late.

 

Good luck!

Sheila

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Funny, I"VE been there too!!! And I didn't listen to my intuition till it was too late.

 

You know what intuition is? It's God. It's that little bit of him/her that you have in you. listen listen listen

[TheSmilingTurnip]

AMEN SISTER.

[suprema99]

Question here? When did it become wrong for someone in a marriage to talk to a person of the opposite sex without being labeled as a cheater? Or it being wrong? That's like walking on eggshells constantly with the person who is supposed to be the ultimate keeper of your trust.

[Mr. Cactus]

Wow. I just have to say that I totally agree with all of the above. That is the best post I have ever read here. Of all the many hundreds of posts I have read since I joined here, not a single one has come closer to the way I feel about things. You have just said exactly what I think but have been too afraid to say for fear of being shot down in flames. My father only ever had close male friends and my mother only has close female friends. My Mum and Dad had the most wonderful relationship and marriage I could possibly conceive until Dad passed away. I just don't see friendship things working any other way once you are either in a very serious relationship or married. I honestly believe that if people feel they have to make new friends of the opposite sex after they are married (or even in a committed serious relationship), then there is something wrong with things somewhere. I just think it debases the whole sanctity of a one-on-one relationship or marriage - and the fact that you chose a life partner because they - more than anyone else - is there to devote themselves totally to you and your needs. I just don't know what more you need than that. Sure, I understand that married people are always going to make acquaintances of the opposite sex unless the live their life in a cave, but there is a difference between being acquaintances and establishing some sort of emotional dependancy or co-dependancy with someone of the opposite sex. For me, when that sort of depedancy is established, the line has been crossed. OK, maybe I might be perceived as old fashioned and inflexible in my way of thinking and I am sure heaps of people will disagree with me, but at least I now know there are other people who lean towards this point of view as well.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

It's not wrong to TALK to someone of the opposite sex. It is wrong to put other relationships ahead of your marriage. It is wrong to let them cross a boundary and make your spouse feel uncomfortable. Why would you do something that you KNOW is making them feel insecure?

 

Question here? When did it become wrong for someone in a marriage to talk to a person of the opposite sex without being labeled as a cheater? Or it being wrong? That's like walking on eggshells constantly with the person who is supposed to be the ultimate keeper of your trust.

[suprema99]

hey phrecklesrsexy, that's understood. If you went up to your husband say, and said, Do you mind not talking so much and getting so personal with her, it kinda makes me uncomfortable. No problem he should understand that and back off then. There's so many levels to a friendship sometimes. I was going on the lines of something more simple. But yeah, for that scenerio, I agree.

[Mr. Cactus]

"...And all anyone has to do is look at successful marriages and they will see that there were clear boundaries between those in the marriage and members of the opposite sex. Sure, people can be married and be close friends with members of the opposite sex----show me one of those marriages lasting long though..."

 

 

And I am sure that applies to other relationships too - perhaps even ones that are trying to get of the ground. There was this teenage girl who used to correspond with me via the net and I got to know her really well. She once asked me for advice on how to develop a close friendship for this boy into a full-blown relationship. I gave her what advice I could, but in the end the boy just wasn't even the remotest bit interested in her. I can't help feeling one of the reasons might have been that this girl had more "boy friends" than I have had hot dinners.

[suprema99]

Hey mrcactus. I think it can be done. The only problem is nobody can read a persons mind. What looks to be very shady looking sometimes can actually be very innocent. I think I said somewhere you can't really blame if there's nothing concrete. I believe relationships go south the minute one or the other starts questioning. And when your innocent it looks really lame to you when that comes out of the other person. But just trying to be honest about things hopefully work in your favor in the longrun.

[DN]

I always thought it was not possible for people of the opposite sex to be good friends without romantic emotional attachments forming but I am changing my mind. My daughter has a very close male friend from high school, but it does not interfere with her relationship with her live-in boyfriend nor with his relationship with his g/f. She sees him no more than her girl friends, often as part of a group of friends, but treats him no differently. I thought for sure they would wind up together but they have not and there is no likelihood of it happening.

 

I am now of the opinion that it is possible but potentially a problem, I certainly would not assert that it is always cheating, emotionally or otherwise. If you can talk about personal issues, emotions etc. with a friend of the same sex, I don't see why it would be emotional cheating simply because you do the same thing with a close but platonic friend of the opposite sex.

[DN]

When I said his with his g/f I meant her friend not her b/f.

 

Yes. they meet and have a drink or coffee now and then, less now that before because they have busy lives and my daughter works shifts, sometimes they may not see each other for weeks and then a couple of times in the space of a week.

 

The thing is that they have been friends since high school - there used to be a group of them but most of the others have gone their separate ways, one of her other close male friends now teaches in Australia but she was almost as close as with the one I mentioned.

 

Sometimes when they meet her b/f and his g/f are there and other friends as well, but just as often not. She will meet him where he works and they'll have lunch or dinner - because he's a friend. My elder daughter is also part of that group but sees him less often because she has kids and is even more busy.

 

No, I don't think either of them were attracted. When they first became friends he had a g/f (a different one) and not long after she had a b/f. Over the years they have each had two or more long term relationships, once he went out with her best friend, but they have never been b/f and g/f with each other.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Well for things more simple, then definitely, it's ok to have casual friendships with the opposite sex. Basically, a spouse will know when something is up. People have to use their judgment.

 

hey phrecklesrsexy, that's understood. If you went up to your husband say, and said, Do you mind not talking so much and getting so personal with her, it kinda makes me uncomfortable. No problem he should understand that and back off then. There's so many levels to a friendship sometimes. I was going on the lines of something more simple. But yeah, for that scenerio, I agree.

[sam_i-am]

i like to thank all of you for the advice but i comfrontede her when she called my house to talk to him and ask was there anything going on and she said they are just friends and that she loves her hubby i told her when we went to there house i felt uncomfortable she said she was sorry i felt that way and she to was uncomfortable to but now we have talked and she knows how i feel and my hubby tells me he knows where the boundaries are so i am giving him the benfit of the doubt because he comes home and tells me what they talk about so i got to thinking if there was something going on i would sure he wouldnt tell me what is going on and what they talk about they talk at breaks sometimes when they see each other so i just wanted to say thanks all of you

[TheSmilingTurnip]

hey sam i am, glad you got it off your chest. if your intuition is telling you that all is well, then go with it.