This is a mess situation and I need your help ASAP!

[RiffGood]

TL;DR I'm gonna to go in tour with this guy. We had kiss when we was had smoke and now he is avoiding me at parties but alone we go well along together. Many people whisper about us and that's something is blocking him, I just don't care about them. I had tell him to stop to stay close to me if he will annoying me avoiding me at the parties. But I'm madly in love and I want just to be with him.

...

Hi, I was ever been a straight man also for the person who I'm gonna to speak about too so is pretty confuse.

I met him at university a year ago and initially we had start to hang out merely as friends but our friendship was quickly became "different" and I don't know how to explain it better. We started to be closer to each other and was weird.

We are two musicists, he is metal and I'm punk and we had start to work together and recently I had start to randomly join with him at his band since in my band most of the us got a full time job and less time to spend

But doing this, working together, the things started to got "weirder abd weirder" now he is avoiding me and sometimes he come to me at parties (avoiding me). I hate this behavior and I told him to just stop to be close to me if he is gonna doing this whole time he will see me at my or other parties. What makes me mad is that he is smiling arrogantly to me like "*** are you doing here too" (even if it's my birthday!).

Because looks like he is trying to moking me in some way, like he is doing this for a purpose... but which?! Which purpose he is keep annoying me?! It is frustrating.

What I've got miss to tell you is that he has kissed me, that's something hugely had confuse me ... we were both half smoked, ok, but since then now he is avoiding me then gonna to my parties still avoiding me then at some point randomly we are alone and everything is ok.

Is is always touching me and always talking to me and giving me special attentions.

We are ok together. We are planning to do a tour together since recently he is starting to be a pretty famous singer and he clearly said he wants me and only me as co-singer... what I need to do?!

I madly in love and I think he is too. People are keeping to whisper and I know that's what he is pressing him to hide his feelings (he is from a homophobic background). I don't even know what is my next move. I said him to stop to confusing me at some point but since then we hadn't talk anymore about this.

Now, a month from now we will have a tour... I know a month could looks a lot of time but we hadn't talk and I need clearly to talk about this.

Tbh, I want to be with him and looks alike he wants to. We are always watching each other and we are always close to each other. Our body are so close and we can feel the electricity.

So, please, I really really need your help.

I personally don't care to be gay or straight, I only care about him... I only can think to be with him, I do everything thinking to him.

His body, his dark eyes, his black and long hair...I'm madly in love and I know he is too.

[catfeeder]

How can we help, do you have a question for us?

[RiffGood]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

How can we help, do you have a question for us?

How manage him? How can I interact with him? How tell him I wanna be with him? Should I tell him I'm in love? Is him in love? How be in tour with him?

The last is the one I care most since we will stay side by side for almost half of month sleeping in a van. I don't want to be into toxic situations. That's it.

I love him, I wanna be with him. 

What should I do? Follow my heart or follow my brain? Should I wait after the tour or should I tell him before?

Will he reject me? What if? What should I do if he reject me?

[TeeDee]

Do you want to work & make money on this tour or do you want to date him?   I advise you not to try to do both.  You're going to get hurt, go broke & ruin your professional / musical reputation in the industry.  

If he's avoiding you, then you have to keep things professional, period.  Stop pining after him.  Don't make goo-goo eyes at him.  No talk of love.  Never announce to somebody you are not in an exclusive committed relationship with that you "love" them.  Those out of left field declarations never go over well. 

Stop smoking with him.  You have to be sober while you interact.   

Find separate sleeping accommodations. Side by side in a van while you lust after him & he doesn't know what he wants will just be painful & unworkable for you.  

 

[RiffGood]

You've made me pondering what I want and how ask and several thoughts had pop out.

I don't want to confuse you so I think I'm gonna to reply by this.

Job: I think it's a great job, I don't want miss it and the band members are awesome. I will enjoy it and it will improve my career.

Him: I'm trying to avoid him as much as he is doing it and I told him to stop. But sometimes we are alone and when it happens he is pretty enigmatic and he is the one who is doing goo goo eyes the most. Now, assuming I will do what you tell me to do what if he is the one who will the first interaction? I've talk with some of friends of mine and they said he is into me too but they dislike him. What to do if he is the first to do it? 

I don't even know what I really want: right now I don't know if I want more him or more the job. I want both.

I end to say that in my mind isn't so easy. This situation isn't so "do this or do that". But is more complex, or is how my brain see it.

[delmarvausa]

Can you have a frank conversation about this prior to leaving for the tour? Perhaps bring up a concern that "when people get involved things can get messy" type discussion, and how at this stage of your career you feel it would be detrimental to the business side of your friendship. Maybe draft up some suggestions on paper before having this conversation to organize your thoughts?

 

If you two are meant to be together, wait two months and see how the trip goes. Lots of things we do not always see in a person become evident during travel and when spending a ton of time together. Maybe you'll find out things you don't like and then will be thankful you did not pursue a relationship! 

 

I think one of the toughest parts of getting involved with someone you work with/tour with/play music with is the need to STILL be able to perform together....whether things go well, become romantic, or not. Imagine making moves and then having relationship drama and still needing to go on stage and be professional......that can be really tough! For the sake of your career, friendship, AND potential future involvement, maybe it would be worth putting off pursing romantic moves until you return home? Good luck and hoping your tour goes well. 

[TeeDee]

19 hours ago, RiffGood said:

What to do if he is the first to do it? 

Do you have the self discipline to say something like: 

Hey I like you too & I'm definitely interested but I don't want to screw up this tour.  Can we keep getting to know each other & maybe plan a real date for when we get back?  

That means no stolen kisses or sex of any kind while on tour.  

[RiffGood]

5 hours ago, delmarvausa said:

Can you have a frank conversation about this prior to leaving for the tour? Perhaps bring up a concern that "when people get involved things can get messy" type discussion, and how at this stage of your career you feel it would be detrimental to the business side of your friendship. Maybe draft up some suggestions on paper before having this conversation to organize your thoughts?

 

If you two are meant to be together, wait two months and see how the trip goes. Lots of things we do not always see in a person become evident during travel and when spending a ton of time together. Maybe you'll find out things you don't like and then will be thankful you did not pursue a relationship! 

 

I think one of the toughest parts of getting involved with someone you work with/tour with/play music with is the need to STILL be able to perform together....whether things go well, become romantic, or not. Imagine making moves and then having relationship drama and still needing to go on stage and be professional......that can be really tough! For the sake of your career, friendship, AND potential future involvement, maybe it would be worth putting off pursing romantic moves until you return home? Good luck and hoping your tour goes well. 

That's my main plain: waiting and waiting. But I need to do a move before or after. Because, trust me, there's something and we cannot hide this. Hiding this will be even worse. We need to interact to each others, we need to work together I cannot avoid him. We need to be close to each other is part of my job.

I need to have this discussion, not need to talk about love, but I need. But he is able to change topic easily and I need to speak about. But he is avoiding it. When it comes to changing topic he is a masterclass.

 

 

[RiffGood]

5 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Do you have the self discipline to say something like: 

Hey I like you too & I'm definitely interested but I don't want to screw up this tour.  Can we keep getting to know each other & maybe plan a real date for when we get back?  

That means no stolen kisses or sex of any kind while on tour.  

I don't know if it is the case to wait before or after? I told him before to avoid to act like a jerk. He doesn't stop.

[TeeDee]

If he's a jerk you really don't want to be on tour trapped in a van with him.  Perhaps skip the tour. 

I'm a firm believer in the direct approach but that is me.  Not everybody does this & it sounds like he's a game player so being forthright with him may backfire.  

[RiffGood]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

If he's a jerk you really don't want to be on tour trapped in a van with him.  Perhaps skip the tour. 

I'm a firm believer in the direct approach but that is me.  Not everybody does this & it sounds like he's a game player so being forthright with him may backfire.  

He isn't a jerk, he just avoid me at parties but  when we are alone he is like "my dear friend come here stay near me". He is the one who'd kissed. He is the one who is touching me.

I need to approach him but I'm scared due the tour. Band members are amazing, they are like a second family for me.

I want go in tour, he will not ruin this.

Our relationship, excluding his avoiding behavior is amazing too.

[TeeDee]

Then just chill & go with the flow.  

[RiffGood]

I hope, thanks... just last question. If everything will be ok then we do and The talk then we do bla bla bla and we stay together... how manage his being self homophobic?

By myself I don't care: my friends, parents... they are whole ok. But isn't the same for him.

[RiffGood]

Another thing: I was thinking and thinking... I don't even know if he is single! That's the situation. I know that's sounds horrible but as now what it is I don't even care.

If something will happen will happen anyway... now the biggest problem is: how do I manage it?

Because I know he won't come out but I need it, at least I need to know if he is wanting me or not. But he does... that's so clear, today he admitted something.

He said something like "you are the only one I want, you are more than a friend" we were alone and he was starring at me... no misunderstanding.

But, now, how do I manage it?!

That's super supe super super frustrating! Why just not tell me how he wants?! I mean he was so clear and so near... I don't ask to tell someone, I just want him telling me what he is feeling.

And I know I know "don't be impatient" but he almost said it!!!

Now, this evening I will have the tests records for the album and I wanna clear this... or at least I wanna see how he will react.

Because he was so serious and he was so near... now I want this!

I don't know how to manage this during our tour, really!

 

[Batya33]

Someone who wants to be with you in a potentially serious relationship would never risk any mixed signals.  I'd keep my distance. 

[TeeDee]

18 hours ago, RiffGood said:

 how manage his being self homophobic?

Don't do that to yourself.  It's one thing if he's not coming out to his family because they will be awful & bigoted or something.  But if he's self-hating, he will turn that anger on you.  You will be the embodiment of what he dislikes.  Do you really want to be the SO of somebody who hates you because of who you are?  That is so messed up.  

Sadly what he wants is to not be gay.  He's freaked out about his own nature which is why he is giving you these mixed messages. 

Do the tour.  Be his buddy / friend.  Help him to accept himself but do not start a romance with him while he's still a mess.  A ONS or some kind of FWB will disrupt the whole band so that can't happen on the door. 

In generally it's best to date healthy happy people.  They make the best partners.  The crazy broken ones may be pretty & shiny even attractive but they end up making your life hell by dragging you into their drama.  

[RiffGood]

I'm wondering if the band isnt wondering something... we were so close then, without motivation, we are avoiding each other. We are starring each other.

I agree with you but whole this situation is just absurd and I wanna tour but I don't even know what to invent to avoid to stay close to him. 

I mean it is a small van, most of the stages are small... what invent?

I really like him, I could pretend to not, but I had never learned to pretend.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, RiffGood said:

I'm wondering if the band isnt wondering something... we were so close then, without motivation, we are avoiding each other. We are starring each other.

I agree with you but whole this situation is just absurd and I wanna tour but I don't even know what to invent to avoid to stay close to him. 

I mean it is a small van, most of the stages are small... what invent?

I really like him, I could pretend to not, but I had never learned to pretend.

There's no need to pretend.  Simply react to your attraction by not expressing it to him.  Speak to him same as you would the other band members. And you can learn how to do this -by doing it. It's not pretending it's simply keeping your private feelings to yourself. Learn how to be honest with yourself and not make excuses for taking the easier way out.

[RiffGood]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

There's no need to pretend.  Simply react to your attraction by not expressing it to him.  Speak to him same as you would the other band members. And you can learn how to do this -by doing it. It's not pretending it's simply keeping your private feelings to yourself. Learn how to be honest with yourself and not make excuses for taking the easier way out.

The problem is: i had never learn how to do the poker face.

I genuinely think that's the worse part, that's why I don't know how to manage this... I would love to be as you say, I'm not.

I cannot pretend, hide, take this private... I don't know how to do this.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, RiffGood said:

The problem is: i had never learn how to do the poker face.

I genuinely think that's the worse part, that's why I don't know how to manage this... I would love to be as you say, I'm not.

I cannot pretend, hide, take this private... I don't know how to do this.

No I am not referring to that. Do not pretend.  Just choose how to react to your emotions.  Is it pretending to feel angry, want to lash out -and choose not to? Ever feel really annoyed with a customer service person who is not being helpful at all and you feel like saying something -but you don't?  You feel what you feel.  You choose the reaction.

Same thing. Feel the attraction, choose not to express it in words or by touching.  No need to change your face. No need to hide.  If you felt attracted to your friend's wife and were at their wedding would you be able to attend and act appropriately?

It's not that you "don't know" -you do know how to choose a reaction -I'm sure you do this daily.

[RiffGood]

The problem is: when I feel something I feel THIS something so strong.

And then, I cannot ruin our tour just for this!

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RiffGood said:

The problem is: when I feel something I feel THIS something so strong.

And then, I cannot ruin our tour just for this!

Right -like almost all humans.  This strong simply means it's more difficult to react appropriately but life is difficult especially when you are trying to do something difficult like a tour.  Like I said - what if you felt really really angry -strong angry feelings - you would choose a reaction that did not express your anger in a violent or inappropriate way - right? Or if the person you felt "so" strong for was married.  Just because a feeling is strong doesn't change that it's your choice.  You know in advance that you feel strongly so come up with ways to react in an appropriate way -keep it professional.

[RiffGood]

Since I need something like "how to hide your feelings for dummies" you need to give me some advices! 😐

[Batya33]

42 minutes ago, RiffGood said:

Since I need something like "how to hide your feelings for dummies" you need to give me some advices! 😐

You don't hide your feelings as I've written above.  You choose how to react.  Would you yell at your boss because he was annoying you because you felt angry or frustrated? Would  you tell your friend's significant other or wife you had a massive crush on her because you felt super attracted to her? If not would that be hiding  your feelings or simply choosing not to express them to the person?

[RiffGood]

Yeah but I'm that person who you can see by just a look what's happening. I could not react but if he will poke me or flirt with me I'm that type of person who react. I know myself, that's the mess.