My feelings have changed for my boyfriend and I don't know how to approach him.

[BlueWinter]

Hello. This is my first time posting here. I found this website because I am at a loss for what to do with my relationship. For context, this is a year-long relationship between me (23 yo female) and my boyfriend (34 yo male). We were friends for a few months before we started dating, and things have progressed very quickly since then. Everything was okay until maybe a month or two ago when I began to lose interest in him. I think a big part of it is that I have been struggling with my mental health, and that started after I experienced some fairly traumatic stuff with my mom. One of the things that resulted from the situation with my mom, is that we had to move in together much sooner than we had originally planned. I think that for me being rushed into moving in together, followed by facing the reality of living together may be what caused my feelings to change. It doesn't help that a lot of my focus has been on figuring out my mental health issues. As far as what has changed, I have lost interest in him physically and emotionally. Many times I have thought about wanting to date someone else, but I just convinced myself that I was just stressed out and trying to run away from my problems by cutting out whatever I could. I have found these thoughts haven't changed and with a lot of reflection, I remember having thoughts like this even six months ago, just not as intense as they are now. I have lost interest in physical affection with him as well and I am not as kind to him as I should be right now. There have also been issues with him crossing some boundaries I set when my mental health started to go with asking him not to touch me and to give me more space to work out what is going on. Ultimately, I think my feelings have changed and I am having a hard time accepting it. I am also struggling to figure out how to break this to him. My financial circumstances won't allow me to move out on my right now, and other options like living with family aren't possible right now. He and I had plans to get engaged, but those plans were put on hold because of my mental health. I am struggling with guilt about this situation because he has helped me so much, and it's not like I don't care about him. I know this situation will hurt him greatly and I feel like a terrible person for it. I don't want him to think I used him, and I certainly don't want to completely disrupt his life, but I know this will. I guess what I want advice on is how I go about telling him all of this. This is a big change in both our lives and I am afraid to move forward with it. I think the bottom line is I am not in the right mental state to be in a relationship, let alone my feelings changing. The situation is also sticky because I am stuck living with him until I get my own life in order. Any advice is greatly appreciated...

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, BlueWinter said:

 a year-long relationship between me (23 yo female) and my boyfriend (34 yo male). . My financial circumstances won't allow me to move out on my right now, and other options like living with family aren't possible right now. 

Sorry this is happening. First and foremost you need to make other living arrangements. Please talk to trusted friends and family perhaps social services for housing options. 

There are huge red flags for abuse including overly quick involvement, crowding, not respecting boundaries etc. 

Please read up on abusive relationships. Please call  domestic violence agencies for advice information support and help. They may be able to assist you with your mental health and appropriate housing. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Be careful not to blame everything that’s going on on your mental health. There are many concerning things in your post and you are going to train yourself to overlook them by believing “no one is mistreating me, these problems are caused by me and my mental health issues.”  You can have mental health issues, and someone can be mistreating you. Just remember that 

given your vulnerabilities financially, mentally, and emotionally, the age gap is concerning. 

[catfeeder]

I would do some research first before discussing this with BF. You do not have to be 'abused' to seek help from what are called 'prevention' agencies or organizations, such as domestic violence.org, or a local women's shelter.

Consider contacting your local hospital's human services department for a referral to a social worker who can help you find resources that are not commonly known to the public. There are services available to help women move out of a partner's home--regardless of whether she's been abused--because this helps to prevent bad outcomes for women during breakups or divorces.

None of this implies anything 'bad' or wrong about your BF. It's just a good idea to learn what help is available to make a plan prior to discussing your intentions with him. 

 

[smackie9]

What is happening has nothing to do with moving in or your mental health. The honeymoon phase/infatuation (dopamine) has run it's course. This can last anywhere from 6 months to a year and a half. This is a perfectly normal occurrence for those feelings to fade...even for no reason. It's time to move on.