I know I have to do something…

[Hackridge]

I am hoping there will be something cathartic about being able to post everything I’m feeling in to the depths of an anonymous forum. I’ve been in a same sex relationship with my partner for four years, I’m stressing same sex as it might help understand the situation better. During this time there have been multiple occasions where my partner has expressed their anger physically be that through throwing something or lashing out on me. All of these times have been where they have consumed too much alcohol and despite my numerous efforts to get them to moderate their drinking there are still times where the devil always seems to rear its weary head. 
 

Why don’t you just leave I hear you ask? I ask myself that too during these situations. But it’s not as simple as that. During the times they don’t drink in excess (98% of the time) things are ok. I say ok rather than good because it’s difficult.
 

My partner is not from this country and unfortunately the country they are from at the minute is at war with another so visiting their family, going home has become a once a year thing rather than regular occurrence like it used too. This causes problems too as my family live close, and at times I feel their resentment towards me about this. I sacrifice my own needs and want a lot to allow them deflect their feelings on me - it’s unfair I know this. 

Again I hear you ask… why don’t you just leave? The truth is I feel so much shame, I feel ashamed again I’ve ended up in this situation and we own a house together. As it’s only been a year and selling means hefty fees and it means I’ll walk out with nothing, I’ve invested so much as have they in to this - my partner refuses to get involved with this but they also refuse to see things from my perspective and respect me physically and emotionally - I feel completely stuck. I had a relationship before and we owned a house for few months before they had an affair and the house was sold. I clearly made the same mistake.

 

It’s clear after this time the relationship won’t change. I can’t speak to anyone around me because I know they will judge the other person. I’ve moved in to the spare room, my partner goes away this weekend for 3 weeks and I’m thinking maybe cut off contact during this time to figure out what to do? I feel completely conditioned by this. I also feel I do love this person but they don’t love me. You don’t hurt the people you love. 

I do find myself remembering the many years I lived by myself and was single and how free and happy I felt - just lighter. I know I have to do something but I can’t see the woods through the trees at the minute. I have a good job but no way I can afford rent and a mortgage. It’s either sell and admit defeat or stay and things don’t change. 
 

I done expect replies but this was really cathartic thank you to the blank universe. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hackridge said:

 they have consumed too much alcohol and despite my numerous efforts to get them to moderate their drinking . We own a house together. I’ve moved in to the spare room, my partner goes away this weekend for 3 weeks 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you both work and make roughly equally and pay roughly equally? While your partner is away, please talk to your financial advisors and perhaps an attorney to gather information advice support and practical help severing your ties as far as the house and financially. Please find ways to begin to severe things.

In the meantime please stop enabling their problem drinking. A problem drinkers relationship is with alcohol, everybody else is just a pawn. Please don't waste time expecting empathy, reasonable conversations or behavior.

Please get information support and advice for yourself rather than trying to fix and change your partner:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[CrazyWife]

Sorry this is happening to you. I understand why you would feel shame as I've been in an abusive relationship. It takes courage to walk away and trust me, the courage is there. You have nothing to be ashamed of. 

Can you contact a domestic abuse charity or support line for advice? Contact a lawyer to see where you stand with the house? 

Unfortunately, with any abusive relationship, it will get worse not better. I was with a man who abused substances and he was a Jekyl and Hyde. Fine sober but a nightmare when intoxicated. It's scary as you walk in eggshells waiting for the explosion. 

Please get advice and support when he is away. It is scary walking away but for your physical and mental health, you need to. Would you contact police for help?

[ShySoul]

On 11/7/2023 at 2:00 AM, Hackridge said:

The truth is I feel so much shame, I feel ashamed again I’ve ended up in this situation

While your feelings are understandable, please remember this is not your fault. Your partner is the one with the issue. Doesn't mean they are a bad person, just that they have a problem and aren't choosing to address it in a healthy way. Believe me, I know what it's like to care for someone with an alcohol problem. They can be a great person most of the time. But they still make that choice to drink and let that other side to them take over. You aren't responsible for their choice and you also can't be the one to stop it, as much as you might want to. They have to be the one to chose to get help. Until they do, things won't change. You need to focus on protecting your own health - physical, mental, and emotional. 

[ShySoul]

And I just realized this was from three months ago. 

Hackridge, if you read this, I hope things have gotten better for you. If you need to let anything else out, we're here for you.