Emotional Rollercoaster

[The_Doc]

Well yesterday had an epiphany but today the rollercoaster has gone into another steep drop! Feel terrible again… going to be a long day! Felt like pulling a sickie so I could sit in the pub and drink!

 

You know, I know my ex is lonely, she has told me, mutual friends have told me. Madness.. she is there feeling lonely and I am here feeling lonely!!

 

She told me last time I saw her (4 weeks ago) that she hates the city where she is living). Not the city itself but her life there… I know her social circle there is very limited (she travels a lot) and I know she misses the life we had (and I have) here in my town.

 

Those of you following this know that she breaks NC and has thrown me a few curveballs with late night SMS messages and calls.

 

I guess her 'need' to contact me when she does (whatever the excuse – How to work stuff, curiosity about what I'm doing etc) is more an expression of this loneliness than any expression of a desire to try again?.

 

As I said before sometimes I think she is scared of trying again for fear of things not changing and of us getting into the downward spiral that our relationship had run into again.

 

Sometimes I think she is scared of trying again because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and sometimes I wonder if she is scared of telling me that she wants to give 'us' another go because she doesn't want to appear weak and 'needy'.

 

Sometimes I think she is just being bloody stubborn about all this!

 

Sometimes I even delude myself into thinking that she is even waiting for me to suggest we try again. I know I shouldn't but it is hard not to contemplate 'what ifs' and 'what might bes' when you still love someone very much.

 

I know with hindsight that when I asked her to reconsider I did it far too soon. It was only 3 weeks after the break-up and the wounds were still to raw. I did it from a position of weakness and desperation and she hadn't had the time to 'miss me', miss 'us' or realise the consequences of her decision. I played my proverbial 'last card' too soon.

 

Sometimes I really feel like driving up there and whisking her away somewhere… but I haven't.

 

I know you all probably think I'm crazy to carry a torch for her still and that I should be relishing the prospect of seeing other women etc etc. I do feel better than I have done for a long time and I know that I don't NEED her -- I need food, shelter, water, etc but it doesn't stop me WANTING her, desiring her, preferring a life with her to a life without.

 

I know that making her think I am happy with the status quo is the best thing I can do. That declarations of love etc are only going to 'push' her away more, make her shut that door firmly. But it feels so powerless knowing that I can't do anything to affect her decision that ultimately she is the only one who can change her mind, if she ever does! (And I do grow increasingly pessimistic).

 

And patience was never a virtue of mine anyway.

 

Also accepting that she might never do this, or might do this a long, long time from now when I have moved on and no longer desire her is a tough one to accept. Crazy I'm in my early 30s but all of this makes me feel like a 14 year old again. I guess thats because our emotional needs are child-like rather than rational and mature.

 

Comments, words of encouragement etc much, much appreciated, especially today

[alphonsefa]

I feel you my man. I have a girl that has continually cast me off and then emerges a month, 2 months, and 3+ months down the line. She just called me tonight after 3 1/2 months of N/C. To tell you the truth I'm erked that she did. She called to "see how I was doing". She didn't care about that the three previous times she walked and broke my heart. Now all of a sudden she is wondering how I am doing? I don't get it either Doc, she tells me she doesn't want me, and I leave her alone; then she calls me back?! She's the one that told me, "don't keep beating this thing to death". Why would she be so cold to call me? It's obvious that as much as she misses me, she can't even bring herself to say it, instead it's these childish games of calling to see how I am. Give me a break! It's really cruel when I think about it. Here I am, respecting her wishes and leaving her alone, and there she is pulling this stuff.

[simon_uk]

I feel the same as you guys and it has been 8 weeks for me, with 5 weeks NC. I am tired of game playing and I just want the pain to go away but it won't. I cannot stop thinking about her and the things we shared and it is pathetic. She treated me quite harshly the last time we spoke but I still keep thinking about all the nice times, making love etc. It really is ridiculous.

 

The thing is, yeah its nice to think about all the other women you can now try to form a relationship with but a) that is easier said than done, certainly where I live and b) what if things are not nearly as good? You just keep looking? I don't know, everything seems like such hard work now!

[The_Doc]

I am much better at giving advice than listening to my own.

 

But one that does help is to focus on the difference between NEED and WANT.

 

We don't NEED our exes... we might think we do but we don't. What do we need in life: food, water, shelter, family, a job?? Romantic love is a bonus, but we don't NEED it. Think of your life before your ex.. did you have fun? Sure you did! Did you love before her/him -- of course you did! did you laugh and enjoy life -- yes!

 

So whats it all about? We WANT our exes, we desire them, we prefer a life with them to a life without them. But recognising that it is a desire rather than a need is actually quite a big and salutary step.

 

No-one likes needy people, noone ever went out with anyone because they felt sorry for them or were guilty. So we have to find the strength from somewhere to stand up and be strong. To accept the status quo. Accept that currently we have no alternative but to focus our love and energy on ourselves.

 

If our exes come back they will only come back when they see what they have lost --- not from sympathy. When they see the person they fell in love with again, the funny, happy, carefree etc etc person we were when it all began. Noone will come back to an emotional wreck!

 

I know this but it doesn't stop me having bad days, doesn't stop me feeling like the bottom of my world has fallen out. But it is helping me get some perspective slowly and gradually.

 

And if our exes do not come back -- well then by focusing on us, rediscovering us we will have helped ourselves to heal and face the world again.

 

Make sense?

[simon_uk]

It makes perfect sense Doc. I know from experience with my ex ex, that begging, pleading, chasing, emotional blackmail etc,etc does absolutley nothing to get them back. in fact if anything it just makes you look pathetic and I am in fact embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour. That is why with this current ex I refuse point blank to do it. You are right we don't NEED anybody only ourselves but like you say we DESIRE them. I love my ex more than anyhting but I absolutely refuse to give up my self worth to chase somebody who clearly has no thoughts or emotions for me at this time. We had our problems in the relationship but giving up was not an option for me, thats how much I loved her. Since we broke I have done nothing to hurt her, I contacted her a couple of times, once in response to her contacting me and she was nasty to me! I know that I do NOT deserve that. i do not understand how people can change their feelings so drastically, I really think she has lost the plot somewhere along the line!!!!!

[The_Doc]

Simon

 

Im sorry she is being nasty. Only advice I have from someone who it worked for is that if she contacts you again and you choose to talk to her do the following:

 

1. Act happy -- make her feel you are happy with the status quo and that you don't need her

2. Small talk only! Don't mention the relationship at all.

3. Don't tell her you love her (she knows), don't tell her you miss her (let her wonder if you do), don't ask her how she is feeling etc etc. Small talk, happy talk.

4. If she brings up the realtionship (and you should not) agree with her. Agree that she was right, that it wasnt working etc. She will expect you to to continue to tell her that you thought it was perfect. When you don't she can't argue with you.

5. Keep the call short and be the one to end it.

 

As for me -- well she hasn't been nasty, isnt being nasty. Far from it. She is being warm and affectionate, even jealous at the weekend. She is initiating most of the contact and I know from her and from others that she is very lonely.

 

Trouble is I don't know how to respond. I guess she has to reach more. She broke the relationship off so she has to be the one who says she wants it again. Anything short of this is probably only my wishful thinking and over analysing her words and 'reading between the lines'.

[simon_uk]

Hi doc

Thanks for the encouragement. I know that you are right. To be honest I just thought at the time I was doing the right thing, I thought that she wanted me to prove my love for her, obviously not. after I received the song on Vm I left it two days before Iacted on it, basically I was thinking about how t play it. After I called and she was nasty she sent me a text saying shame you didnt want to marry me when I loved you that much and shame it took you two days to react to the song. Couldnt really win!!!

 

I hope everything works out for you doc, at least she is being civil with you, dont know if this is good but it certainly isn't bad I dont think.