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Seeking advice for a complicated love situation

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I’m a guy in my late 20’s, and about a year ago I came out to my friends and family.

I recently fell deeply in love with a straight guy (or so he claims) and I would like advice on how to proceed given we’ve had sex many times, been in what’s felt like a romantic relationship and just travelled together (one-on-one) for a few weeks which was possibly the best experience of my life.

However, unfortunately this guy says he’s not gay and wants nothing more than a strong friendship and sex here and there on the side.

Through deep thought of our time together, I believe he is both strongly sexually and emotionally into me. However my thoughts are that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with guys and may never need to come out, as he could be equally strongly sexually and emotionally into girls and therefore chooses to live a more ‘normal’ life with them. He’s big on family and kids.

The problem: It has been hard for me sometimes when we are not together. I’ll obviously want to hang out more and do more than he does. We’ve been catching up on average once - twice per week, however I really want to spend more time, do more travelling and live together. I love this guy so much.

The fact this is all happening, but we are not in a relationship hurts. Something I would never have understood until now.

I believe there is a chance he’ll come out in the future, but this could bring other downsides. He may want to experience more guys and this would hurt me even more and likely destroy a possibility of a lifelong friendship. So maybe its best for me if he never does?

At my request, I’ve asked we don’t speak with each other for a few months while he’s still away overseas so I can move on and catch feelings for a new guy - this would hopefully pave the way for us to be just strong friends when he gets back later in the year. He’s a bit upset by this request, but accepts its for the better.

My questions to the community is how do I proceed? What usually happens in this scenario? Advice? Am I being too unrealistic thinking we can go back to friendship removing the sex and feelings? Can my feelings go away? Do you think he will come out?

In the straight world you generally wouldn’t stay friends with someone you’ve just been so strongly in love with. It this an unreasonable expectation?

The thought of not even being friends is the most depressing thing ever to me. But I also am aware of that fact I could waste many years of my life being into this guy but nothing developed- as it has made me unable to meet or be interested in meeting new people.

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58 minutes ago, paygho said:

Am I being too unrealistic thinking we can go back to friendship removing the sex and feelings?

Probably, yes. The goalposts changed when you slept together and you fell in love.  Returning to a healthy, uncomplicated friendship is unlikely. As such, you were very wise to take space from him. This friendship/situationship wasn't serving your best interests anymore. 

1 hour ago, paygho said:

Do you think he will come out?

That's impossible to predict. However, keep in mind that even if he does, it doesn't necessarily mean he will want to be in a relationship with you. There could be other factors that make him believe you two are not a match. 

It hurts, but take it as a learning opportunity for yourself: in the future, don't offer all the benefits of a relationship without any of the real commitment if that's what you are seeking. 


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Think back to your life before you came out.  Is this where he is?  Is he saying he is not gay as an excuse to keep this casual like a FWB thing?

 In the end it isn't healthy for you to want to be friends with him because it will just prolong your healing.  So you are friends and he starts dating some guy and they become a couple for the world to see.  That would crush you wouldn't it?

 People keep ex's around as a safety net and to keep hope alive that one day it will all work out.  Not a good idea no matter who you are.  They are ex's for a reason and he will be your ex because he doesn't want what you want.

Time to move on and find someone that is on the same page as you are.  In the hetero world it is the  same thing.  If two people aren't on the same page of what they want it just will not work out long term.

 You did the right thing cutting him loose, now make it permanent for your own sake.


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