Fair to draw conclusions if someone doesn't respond by a reasonable deadline?

[russianjew7755]

I know, this depends on how long I have known the friend/acquaintance to the context with which I know him/her, and how much effort each party has put in to keep the relationship going. Also depends on the stuff going on with significant others, children, family, work, etc. 

That being said, with either the fade outs, fall outs, and just life getting in the way, I would like to rid of some deadweights on my rolodex. I may sound oversimplistic or presumptuous, but if the friend/acquaintance doesn't respond to a request to talk or hang out (even if it's a declinal), is it fair to conclude that the relationship has sailed past its expiration either with them having blocked me already, or leaving me left on read to send such a message to me? 

Would love to hear from you so that I can sift sort and screen faster in the future. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, russianjew7755 said:

 is it fair to conclude that the relationship has sailed past its expiration.

Yes that's a fair statement. You could just move these people to the acquaintance zone.

[russianjew7755]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes that's a fair statement. You could just move these people to the acquaintance zone.

or block them and toss them into the trash pile and act like strangers if meeting in person by accident? 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, russianjew7755 said:

I know, this depends on how long I have known the friend/acquaintance to the context with which I know him/her, and how much effort each party has put in to keep the relationship going. Also depends on the stuff going on with significant others, children, family, work, etc. 

That being said, with either the fade outs, fall outs, and just life getting in the way, I would like to rid of some deadweights on my rolodex. I may sound oversimplistic or presumptuous, but if the friend/acquaintance doesn't respond to a request to talk or hang out (even if it's a declinal), is it fair to conclude that the relationship has sailed past its expiration either with them having blocked me already, or leaving me left on read to send such a message to me? 

Would love to hear from you so that I can sift sort and screen faster in the future. 

I think it depends.  I am dealing with a similar situation now.  I have a very close friend since 2003.  She is going through so much - living with her 3 youngish kids and her mom and her husband.  Husband has terminal cancer.  Mom is very very tough to live with.  Kids are awesome and she adores them -but 3 and she is solo parenting and trying to work close to full time while caring for her husband and kids.

So I cut her tons of slack.  We actually tried to schedule a phone call for a few days ago but again she hasn't responded.  She apologizes and  tells me she is really in a bad place and running around to do all this stressful stuff.  

She's been an incredibly good friend to me overall. We live far from each other and have only met in person 3 times.  She goes out of her way, goes the extra mile -to be supportive, to be there for me, she sends such thoughtful gifts (we reciprocate!) and she came to my city -she was staying outside the city -to see me when I was pregnant and had her parents drive me home since I was in that "condition" lol.  

By contrast- if it's not a good friend or just an acquaintance I give less chances for flakiness/unreliability.  There is a woman who from my FB mom group who "really" wanted to meet me this past February.  Then she went MIA when I suggested something.  Popped up again 3 months later and wanted to meet for coffee that week.  I said 'I'm really sorry I can't - but here is the next time I think I will be free" I said it was in about two weeks (we were going out of town) and suggested she tell me what would work that week.  No specific response.  I followed up when I was back in town -by that point I no longer had that week free so I suggested a week or two later - same suggestion.  From her - a vague response.

If I really wanted to meet her I'd have followed up one more time - but - nope - in this context I felt - lame responses on her side why give it another chance.

I have extremely close friends of 40 years plus who have faded out the last few years and again -some I let fade and didn't push but to me it's individual -with close friends-with casual friends/acquaintances -much easier call unless there's a professional networking componeent.

I will say I developed a sort of penpal/phone pal relaitonship in Spring 2020 with a mom from my FB group -we didn't meet mostly because of covid/pandemic.  Then we let things slide for awhile. Well -we finally met a month ago.  It was GREAT -I'm so glad I didn't give up.  We already tried to make another plan and it didn't work but I know we will see each other again and given our closeness the last couple of years I'm happy to put in the effort.

I hope this helps!

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, russianjew7755 said:

or block them and toss them into the trash pile and act like strangers if meeting in person by accident? 

I did that for awhile with yet another friend -she ghosted me after being friends for a few years and seeing each other in person every month or so -and we'd run into each other -at first I'd try to chat, then I didn't. 6 months ago we ran into each other -randomly -quite a lot -and - unusually for me I gave it another chance and we actuall reconnected.  No real discussion about the ghosting especially when it turned out she'd be moving out of state in two months.  We plan on keeping in touch. We saw each other twice before she left -and it was really nice!

[russianjew7755]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I did that for awhile with yet another friend -she ghosted me after being friends for a few years and seeing each other in person every month or so -and we'd run into each other -at first I'd try to chat, then I didn't. 6 months ago we ran into each other -randomly -quite a lot -and - unusually for me I gave it another chance and we actuall reconnected.  No real discussion about the ghosting especially when it turned out she'd be moving out of state in two months.  We plan on keeping in touch. We saw each other twice before she left -and it was really nice!

But if I hustled to fill more potential friendships in the pipeline, just cutting losses wouldn't be as big of an issue, right? 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, russianjew7755 said:

But if I hustled to fill more potential friendships in the pipeline, just cutting losses wouldn't be as big of an issue, right? 

I personally don’t see friendships or making friends in that way so I can’t relate. I pursue quality over quantity. I hustle for sure when it comes to networking for professional reasons - as needed - and I am proactive about meeting people when I can and am reliable about following up but I don’t see friendships as replaceable. 

[lostandhurt]

Not sure why it matters.  If you make the effort to stay in touch or spend time with them and they do not reciprocate then it is a one sided friendship right?  Is that something you want?

Why it happens doesn't matter, the fact that it does happen is what is important.

No need to do anything other than move on just like any relationship that isn't working out.

Lost

[russianjew7755]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I personally don’t see friendships or making friends in that way so I can’t relate. I pursue quality over quantity. I hustle for sure when it comes to networking for professional reasons - as needed - and I am proactive about meeting people when I can and am reliable about following up but I don’t see friendships as replaceable. 

Quantity does matter to prepare for friendships to die. I mean, everything has its own expiration date, right?

[Cherylyn]

I follow other people's cues.  If they put forth the time,  energy,  resources and effort to cultivate,  nurture and maintain friendship with me,   I'll reciprocate.  If they exercise consistent common courtesy and common decency,  I am the same towards them.  It works both ways so we are fair,  equal and balanced.  If they're well mannered and very respectful,  friendship is an absolute joy. 🙏 🙂 If,  however,  the friendship feels lopsided,  unfair and / or inconsiderate,  naturally,  I lose my desire to continue the friendship.  ☹️ I easily drop them off my radar on all fronts.  I'm simply wasting my time and energy on a person who doesn't care about me.  Or, if the person is unkind,  I'm done.  Nope,  I'm not into friendship anymore. 

I agree with @Batya33.  I do have exceptions.  If a friend is experiencing insurmountable turmoil,  I back off and help in other ways whether it's sending an online gift of UberEats,  GrubHub,  sometimes give a home cooked or take out meal if this friend is local,  online money or verbal or written kind words without inundating them.  I give them the same courtesy I would want if I were in their shoes.  

I have a local friend who is unreliable with her endless excuses.  For a while we emailed each other and while she has time to do other activities,  she somehow never has time to get together with me,  meet in public or spend any time with me in person whatsoever.  I've since run out of patience.  Therefore, we no longer email.  I've texted her in the past after long lapses of absence only for her to give me yet more excuses.  Nowadays,  we're at the point where we no longer engage in electronic correspondence.   Friendship dies if people are neglected and feel abandoned. 

I focus on my own life instead and surround myself with people who mutually care for me.  Any other way is intolerable and unacceptable.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, russianjew7755 said:

Quantity does matter to prepare for friendships to die. I mean, everything has its own expiration date, right?

I really don't relate to what you wrote.  I understand the individual words and I don't relate to it in terms of how I view friendships.