Long distance relationship advice

[User69420]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  It sounds like maybe she's pulling away knowing she's moving.  It's not about whether girls need space -you two in this relationship might not be able to sustain this sort of distance. I'm sorry! I would give her space for sure.

Yeah I mean she has brought up that we need to see each other more which I understand but currently I have no job and am having to use whatever is in my bank to pay for tickets to see her and everything. So sometimes I may not have the money to see her. Which is frustrating and I understand that but I am currently looking for jobs around me but they always lead to an end block which just lowers my esteem every time.

[User69420]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What did you ask her?

It appears there is much more going on here than concerns over making distance work. 

Ah right so basically like 2 weeks ago I messaged her "I'ved noticed you've been distant recently. You okay? Anything up?" in those exact words. And I got an angry phone call saying "how dare you say that" etc. Which meant that she must've taken it pretty heavily. Before I sent the message I googled to see if sending a message like that is okay or just ignorant. Both google and my brother said it was completely normal as its just basic communication. So I sent it and it has led to this whole situation unfolding.

To put context behind the message, I sent her the message because in the day she was a bit slow with messaging. Now im not one of those people that get upset when I don't get a reply within 1 hour. But she didn't reply for 12 hours that day. So naturally my brain started overthinking that I did something wrong or she wasn't feeling herself. Hence the checkup.

Do you think I done the right thing by asking her that question? 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, User69420 said:

Do you think I done the right thing by asking her that question?

Your question was fine. Her response is strange and disproportionate to the question, but tells me that you two are not on the same page. 

To clarify, as I sense you are both very young, have you had a girlfriend before? You seem quite unsure of yourself. 

[User69420]

36 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Your question was fine. Her response is strange and disproportionate to the question, but tells me that you two are not on the same page. 

To clarify, as I sense you are both very young, have you had a girlfriend before? You seem quite unsure of yourself. 

Ah yes damn I knew it was fine. So it was just her overreacting over nothing basically. I mean shes told me before that her previous relationships have been toxic so I think she just assumes everything I say is in a toxic manner or something like that but im not sure. You think im right?

Yeah we are both young (both 18). But aha no I haven't and thats mainly because I wanted to try and focus on myself during high school but it never happened as I just wasnt mature enough. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, User69420 said:

we are both young (both 18). But aha no I haven't and thats mainly because I wanted to try and focus on myself during high school but it never happened as I just wasnt mature enough. 

And that's perfectly fine. It's normal to wait until after high school to really start dating. 

I asked because you didn't seem to have much confidence in yourself. Again, this is normal. I was just asking for better context. 

The truth is that at just 18, you both have a ton of a learning and growing still to do. You're both still maturing and finding your way. For that reason, I would not go planning my future around her. If you manage to grow together, that's great. But it would not be wise to bank your future on her yet. 

1 hour ago, User69420 said:

so I think she just assumes everything I say is in a toxic manner or something like that but im not sure. You think im right?

I think that perhaps she had her role to play in these toxic relationships, too. She sounds a bit immature and reactionary. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, User69420 said:

Ah yes damn I knew it was fine. So it was just her overreacting over nothing basically. I mean shes told me before that her previous relationships have been toxic so I think she just assumes everything I say is in a toxic manner or something like that but im not sure. You think im right?

Yeah we are both young (both 18). But aha no I haven't and thats mainly because I wanted to try and focus on myself during high school but it never happened as I just wasnt mature enough. 

I wouldn't bother dating anyone who treats you as  guilty/toxic till proven innocent.  Too much stress and aggravation.  Ask her if she's burdening you with her baggage or treating you like your own person.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, User69420 said:

Yeah I mean she has brought up that we need to see each other more which I understand but currently I have no job and am having to use whatever is in my bank to pay for tickets to see her and everything. So sometimes I may not have the money to see her. Which is frustrating and I understand that but I am currently looking for jobs around me but they always lead to an end block which just lowers my esteem every time.

Yes I mean for better or worse practicalities can mean that an LDR is not in the cards.

[User69420]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And that's perfectly fine. It's normal to wait until after high school to really start dating. 

I asked because you didn't seem to have much confidence in yourself. Again, this is normal. I was just asking for better context. 

The truth is that at just 18, you both have a ton of a learning and growing still to do. You're both still maturing and finding your way. For that reason, I would not go planning my future around her. If you manage to grow together, that's great. But it would not be wise to bank your future on her yet. 

I think that perhaps she had her role to play in these toxic relationships, too. She sounds a bit immature and reactionary. 

ahh yeah I understand that, I think what im going to do is take every day as it comes and see what happens. If it doesn't work out then thats just life and I just have to move on and maybe try again later in the future. 

Yeah I think she's scared to lose me or something I dont know because a while back she said she was overthinking and I was asking what you overthinking about etc. And she said that she's scared that im going to leave her in August before I go to university. To which I replied and reassured her that I wasn't going to.

[Batya33]

Just now, User69420 said:

ahh yeah I understand that, I think what im going to do is take every day as it comes and see what happens. If it doesn't work out then thats just life and I just have to move on and maybe try again later in the future. 

Completely fine to have this mindset.  If that is how you see it I'd tell her it's fine also to see other people on both your ends - if you're fine with go with the flow oh well if it doesn't work out that's just fate/life that's not really part of a commitment to each other with specific future goals but works fine for casual dating.

[User69420]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't bother dating anyone who treats you as  guilty/toxic till proven innocent.  Too much stress and aggravation.  Ask her if she's burdening you with her baggage or treating you like your own person.

Yeah I understand I can see why/how it causes a lot of stress and aggravation. But yeah I will ask her on a call when she comes home from work later today.

[Batya33]

Just now, User69420 said:

Yeah I understand I can see why/how it causes a lot of stress and aggravation. But yeah I will ask her on a call when she comes home from work later today.

I would simply ask "are you assuming what I say to you about my feelings for you and thoughts about you that I don't really mean what I say -because I'm getting that sense."

[User69420]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Completely fine to have this mindset.  If that is how you see it I'd tell her it's fine also to see other people on both your ends - if you're fine with go with the flow oh well if it doesn't work out that's just fate/life that's not really part of a commitment to each other with specific future goals but works fine for casual dating.

Yeah I mean I obviously don't want things to end because when we are together we are fine and have 0 problems. But yet im not going go to force a relationship that isn' there.

[User69420]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would simply ask "are you assuming what I say to you about my feelings for you and thoughts about you that I don't really mean what I say -because I'm getting that sense."

Yeah thank you I will ask that tonight then. 

[Batya33]

Just now, User69420 said:

Yeah I mean I obviously don't want things to end because when we are together we are fine and have 0 problems. But yet im not going go to force a relationship that isn' there.

Yes and they don't have to end -but given your throw up your hands "take it day by day and oh well what will be will be" then IMO continuing should involve only dating when you can see each other and both of you free to explore other options. Then when you live in the same city again explore whether you want to be in a committed serious relationship.  

[User69420]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and they don't have to end -but given your throw up your hands "take it day by day and oh well what will be will be" then IMO continuing should involve only dating when you can see each other and both of you free to explore other options. Then when you live in the same city again explore whether you want to be in a committed serious relationship.  

Ah yeah I get where you are coming from. I will have a talk with her tonight and come up with options that we can approach and then we will mutually decide which one to take.

[User69420]

Ahhh well just to update everyone with the situation. We have both decided to take a break from each other for a little bit as we both need to work on our mental health badly. 

Im not sure if this is a good or bad thing as it could be the last time that we speak. OR it could be a genuine break and we come back stronger but im not sure. 

However, we did say that when we come back we will start from square one (fresh start) as this will benefit us in the long run hopefully. As she said that she really does want us to work.

However, one answer I need to know is do breaks actually work or is it just an excuse to get out of the relationship you are in just to find someone else to speak to.

 

[boltnrun]

You two are 18. It's normal for 18 year olds to be unsure about life and the future. 

Breaks are breakups. There's no realistic way to enforce any sort of "rules" for breaks. 

However that doesn't mean you can't revisit dating again in the future once you're more settled. If you're both still single and interested, you could meet up and see if you want to try again. 

[User69420]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

You two are 18. It's normal for 18 year olds to be unsure about life and the future. 

Breaks are breakups. There's no realistic way to enforce any sort of "rules" for breaks. 

However that doesn't mean you can't revisit dating again in the future once you're more settled. If you're both still single and interested, you could meet up and see if you want to try again. 

Ahh life really does slap us in the face sometimes you know. One minute you're really happy and really enjoying life and next minute it all goes south and you just feel like nothing is worth the pain anymore.

I remember at the start of 2023 I was really happy because everything was going right with me for once and now in April/May I am now considering get a diagnostics check (if thats how to word it) for depression and bipolar disorder. Man where did it all go wrong eh?

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, User69420 said:

Ahhh well just to update everyone with the situation. We have both decided to take a break from each other for a little bit as we both need to work on our mental health badly. 

Im not sure if this is a good or bad thing as it could be the last time that we speak. OR it could be a genuine break and we come back stronger but im not sure. 

However, we did say that when we come back we will start from square one (fresh start) as this will benefit us in the long run hopefully. As she said that she really does want us to work.

However, one answer I need to know is do breaks actually work or is it just an excuse to get out of the relationship you are in just to find someone else to speak to.

 

Are you both allowed to date others or look to date others during this break?

If you are treat it as a break up.  If you're not then have zero contact during this break, and perhaps check in in a few months.  

In my opinion couples very often have mental health issues in the relationship -one or other partner.  I mean that broadly. Like my husband lost his mother and a few years later his father. Those experiences were really hard on him and he of course was so sad and stressed and overwhelmed. 

I saw my role as being his supporter and this meant supporting him in how he needed to be supported.  Which may have differed at times from what I would have wanted in his shoes and/or what I may have thought initially he needed.  My role was to do that behind the scenes "work" to figure out the best approach because so often a grieving person.... might not even know what they need!

I had a lot of anxiety and stress when I was a new mom for a number of reasons.  He wasn't always the best at dealing with me -he'd never been married or had a child and in the space of 4 months he had both LOL. 

But - we didn't take a break just because we argued some, disagreed quite a bit on baby care, were learning to live together and be married and parent! We were 100% committed to each other.  We loved each other -so we stuck together like glue (I mean in a 550 sq foot apartment with a newborn and newborn's paraphernalia where actually were we going?). 

But if either of us had said "we should take a break because we are sleep deprived, irritable, anxious/nervous/stressed" that would have been bizarre.  Committed loving couples -that is the time they stick together like glue and work it out.  And if possible take space as a breather -like take a walk outside, talk to a friend, go and get take out as a break! But not space from each other as in a full on "break."  

Consider why you two can't each work on your own mental health AND be a couple.  If it's because being together makes it worse -you're not supporting each other - this might be a sign you're not compatible.

When I took breaks it was because we weren't sure of where the relationship was headed.  We didn't date others during that sort of break.  It kinda worked as we got a breather and also since we hadn't date or tried to date others the trust was solid.  We trusted in the  reason for the break.  In my case it likely should have been a break up but I did miss him so much and he missed me and it showed us what life was like without the other (without comparing each other to how it would be to pursue or date others -that was essential and that was key.)

Good luck!

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, User69420 said:

Ahh life really does slap us in the face sometimes you know. One minute you're really happy and really enjoying life and next minute it all goes south and you just feel like nothing is worth the pain anymore.

I remember at the start of 2023 I was really happy because everything was going right with me for once and now in April/May I am now considering get a diagnostics check (if thats how to word it) for depression and bipolar disorder. Man where did it all go wrong eh?

It's good to be evaluated if you think you might have a chemical disorder.

[User69420]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Are you both allowed to date others or look to date others during this break?

If you are treat it as a break up.  If you're not then have zero contact during this break, and perhaps check in in a few months.  

In my opinion couples very often have mental health issues in the relationship -one or other partner.  I mean that broadly. Like my husband lost his mother and a few years later his father. Those experiences were really hard on him and he of course was so sad and stressed and overwhelmed. 

I saw my role as being his supporter and this meant supporting him in how he needed to be supported.  Which may have differed at times from what I would have wanted in his shoes and/or what I may have thought initially he needed.  My role was to do that behind the scenes "work" to figure out the best approach because so often a grieving person.... might not even know what they need!

I had a lot of anxiety and stress when I was a new mom for a number of reasons.  He wasn't always the best at dealing with me -he'd never been married or had a child and in the space of 4 months he had both LOL. 

But - we didn't take a break just because we argued some, disagreed quite a bit on baby care, were learning to live together and be married and parent! We were 100% committed to each other.  We loved each other -so we stuck together like glue (I mean in a 550 sq foot apartment with a newborn and newborn's paraphernalia where actually were we going?). 

But if either of us had said "we should take a break because we are sleep deprived, irritable, anxious/nervous/stressed" that would have been bizarre.  Committed loving couples -that is the time they stick together like glue and work it out.  And if possible take space as a breather -like take a walk outside, talk to a friend, go and get take out as a break! But not space from each other as in a full on "break."  

Consider why you two can't each work on your own mental health AND be a couple.  If it's because being together makes it worse -you're not supporting each other - this might be a sign you're not compatible.

When I took breaks it was because we weren't sure of where the relationship was headed.  We didn't date others during that sort of break.  It kinda worked as we got a breather and also since we hadn't date or tried to date others the trust was solid.  We trusted in the  reason for the break.  In my case it likely should have been a break up but I did miss him so much and he missed me and it showed us what life was like without the other (without comparing each other to how it would be to pursue or date others -that was essential and that was key.)

Good luck!

Yeah I mean we are speaking now about it all and im not sure if we should have rules in the break. OR should we? 

Like she said its a break so we can work on ourselves and get better mental health. Like she said she really wants us to work so surely thats her saying "I want to have a break to work on ourselves but have another try when we feel like we are both ready".

But now you see her saying we should have a break has caused me to overthink really badly of "Is this just a nice way of saying I want to end things so she can see other people" OR "im overthinking it all maybe its just a little break to help each other and the relationship?" 

 

[User69420]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's good to be evaluated if you think you might have a chemical disorder.

Yeah I think I should but do I need a parent with me or can I just walk in and get evulated by myself (as I am 18)?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, User69420 said:

Yeah I think I should but do I need a parent with me or can I just walk in and get evulated by myself (as I am 18)?

It depends on the rules in your state.  When I was 18 I had nightmare suitemates in my dorm at college.  I was bullied, harassed, treated like garbage and I was so upset and not sleeping and had horrible stomach issues. I went to see the college's psychologist I guess? I do not recall needing my parents' permission although I told them.  And I was prescribed a short term med to help me sleep.  I think.  I took it a couple of times.  I do not remember needing my parents' permission for that either but I was really open with them about my situation.  They were so great.

I hope you feel better.

[User69420]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It depends on the rules in your state.  When I was 18 I had nightmare suitemates in my dorm at college.  I was bullied, harassed, treated like garbage and I was so upset and not sleeping and had horrible stomach issues. I went to see the college's psychologist I guess? I do not recall needing my parents' permission although I told them.  And I was prescribed a short term med to help me sleep.  I think.  I took it a couple of times.  I do not remember needing my parents' permission for that either but I was really open with them about my situation.  They were so great.

I hope you feel better.

ahh right I see yeah thats fair enough. Well I will think about going tomorrow or thursday.

But thank you I appreciate it. This pain really does hurt and I just feel so sick i  the stomach.

[MissCanuck]

What mental health issues do you both feel you need to work on?