I can't stop fantasizing about an online dating match who I haven't met yet

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Ezzie said:

He is just a stranger and this all goes to prove how out of touch I am 😞

You're not out of touch, really. 

You're just not in the right headspace yet to date. 

[TheRawTruth]

Honestly, this isn't abnormal. You started talking to someone you like and now you think about him a lot. Isn't that what most people do when they like someone? The only difference is you haven't met him yet. But soon enough (if he's being truthful) you will.

My question is, why haven't you video chatted with him yet to ensure that he's real? Right now, all he is is words on a screen. Have you spoken on the phone? I say it's normal to like him, but you should still do some of these things before you get carried away. You still don't know him. Pump the breaks until you can verify some of the things that intrigue you so much.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, TheRawTruth said:

Honestly, this isn't abnormal. You started talking to someone you like and now you think about him a lot. Isn't that what most people do when they like someone? The only difference is you haven't met him yet. But soon enough (if he's being truthful) you will.

No.. I didn't.  I met over 100 men in person and dated for over two decades when I wasn't in serious relationships (I guess about half that time) and I made sure I had a thick skin so I wouldn't get expectations and hopes up.  Because if I did I knew I'd get jaded/weary/cynical -and then that wouldn't help me find a good match for me to marry and hopefully have a family with.  I never let myself get attached by typing and talking before we met except once -I actually did -and we met it was total sparks and excitement and we dated for about 3 months. 

He never wanted to be exclusive and I gave him some more time (in my own head -figured I'd give it another month) but then he showed a scary side of himself I'd never ever have known from typing and talking - and I ended it then (luckily not scary for me personally - but could have been).  Getting attached beforehand was a bad idea - I think I got my hopes up too much and likely ignored some signs when we met.

I also met many men in person where we'd had great phone convos before and in person it was obviously not a match - not because of looks in most cases.  So I was so glad I hadn't gotten my hopes up -this way I moved on ASAP and sometimes I even had another first meet later that day and could show up in a positive, open way.

[Andrina]

On 2/22/2023 at 12:04 PM, Ezzie said:

I am still going to counselling sessions every week to work on abandonment issues from my childhood and I've also been reading a lot of self-help books lately so that I can become a better person and partner to whoever dates me.

I feel like because I am headed towards divorce, my heart is guarded. I'm really scared of getting my heart broken again in the future so that's why all this fantasizing is so bad for me, and I know that

You're trying to find the heady distraction of romance to avoid all the other issues that are not so fun to deal with right now.

You won't like my advice, but I'll give it anyway. You should remove yourself from the dating apps for now. When you're carrying around heavy emotional baggage, as said in this excerpt, you're in no way ready to be a good partner to anyone, and in that state, toxic men will be the only ones interested in you.

For the future, you can attempt to choose a man wisely, but there are no guarantees you won't get a broken heart. Instead of the unrealistic goal of avoiding that, it's healthier to have a mindset that whatever happens to you in life, you're resilient and will get through it because of your own strength and the support of buddies.

Until you achieve that mindset, for your own good, be alone. You'll thank yourself later that you did.

[catfeeder]

On 2/22/2023 at 12:07 PM, Batya33 said:

... separated is still married.  Wait to date until your divorce is final for a year ...

Hmmm. Before dismissing this as some kind of moral finger wag, consider the psychology behind it--even if you don't impose a full calendar year on yourself.

There are predictable post-marriage times were people spin-out. One is while newly separated,  others are at milestone points while establishing first year single, and the biggest ones are as legal papers to finalize get close or are completed.

So while I can appreciate some experimentation and fantasy, consider how much of that energy you could repurpose into finding your own new passion or purpose? New interests? Hidden talents? Learning competencies and confidence? Finishing a degree or a certificate?

It's not that the online stuff is 'bad,' it's just a vulnerable--and gullible--time for you right now.

For instance, the stuff you can access about a university medical program can be accessed by ANYone to craft a great story.

I don't imply you're being used as a 'mark,' but I am trying to broaden your perspective on fantasy-building and how it can land you in deep doo-doo.

Head high, and be SMART.

 

[Ezzie]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I do take the time to reflect and think about the things you all are saying. I do understand and agree with you all that I need to take more time to heal and just be very careful during this vulnerable time. It's not the advice I want to hear, but I know it's coming from a place of good intentions 🙂

I do still feel like if I end up meeting someone who I can potentially see myself with, then I would be open to getting to know them more and seeing where it goes. I will be very careful and cautious. I don't feel like I'm desperate to be in a new relationship but I just want to keep my heart open to love. If it happens, it happens and if not, it's okay. Regardless, I will continue to work on myself and love myself.

 

[Ezzie]

Also I just wanted to say that since the breakup happened, I really began to prioritize my friendships and I joined a new church which I have been becoming more involved in. And I'm just so grateful for these pillars in my life right now. 

I'm also thankful for strangers on eNotalone who give me sound advice and just want the best for me. Thank you all 🙂

[catfeeder]

34 minutes ago, Ezzie said:

I don't feel like I'm desperate to be in a new relationship but I just want to keep my heart open to love. If it happens, it happens and if not, it's okay.

Great to hear, Ezzie. You do not sound desperate, and so happy to hear you're establishing your own social and spiritual bases independent of your ex.

Take some time to learn some differences between being 'open' versus pursuing inadvisable roads. That's stuff we all need to establish for ourselves, and it takes a few calendar beats to accomplish.

Head high.

[TheRawTruth]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think I got my hopes up too much and likely ignored some signs when we met.

Right. Which is why I said "You still don't know him. Pump the breaks until you can verify some of the things that intrigue you so much." The question is, do you see this going anywhere?

[Ezzie]

Sorry are you asking me or Batya33? I didn't say that quote.

For me, it's still too early to tell if this will go anywhere. I haven't even met him before and I don't know much about him, so I'm not going to let myself get my hopes up anymore. I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship and if he comes back here after his trip and wants to meet me, then I will go and see how it goes. But I'm not going to chase him right now or bother him on his trip.

We are just strangers on different sides of the world right now and that's it! I'm done with fantasizing. As fun as it is to do, it's a waste of time for me to invest my time and energy into something that isn't even "real" at this point. 

[catfeeder]

56 minutes ago, Ezzie said:

Sorry are you asking me or Batya33? I didn't say that quote.

For me, it's still too early to tell if this will go anywhere. I haven't even met him before and I don't know much about him, so I'm not going to let myself get my hopes up anymore. I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship and if he comes back here after his trip and wants to meet me, then I will go and see how it goes. But I'm not going to chase him right now or bother him on his trip.

We are just strangers on different sides of the world right now and that's it! I'm done with fantasizing. As fun as it is to do, it's a waste of time for me to invest my time and energy into something that isn't even "real" at this point. 

Good. And you know that one typical outcome to these kinds of e-relationships, once expectations of an impending meet are built, is that the traveler will somehow find him/herself in a bind where payment of a decent rise of money is suddenly necessary.

Should you find yourself on the recipient side of such a request, you know here to file that, right?

[Ezzie]

I will be very careful!