A slight step back...

[Cynder]

My ex and I split up in August of 2021 and for over a year after, I was still in love with her.  I was even still in love with her when I started dating my current SO.  (He was aware of this, though and he told me he isn't trying to replace her, etc.  Our relationship is polyamorous, so he is in love with someone else, too. 

I am not in love with my ex anymore.  For a long time I held on to this illusion that her and I could be friends.  But now I don't even want a friendship with her.  I honestly never want to see or speak to her again.  I cut a lot of people out of my life after she left.  I learned who I could trust and who I couldn't.  And I had a few mutual acquaintances who would randomly message me and tell me things about her life.  So I blocked all those people.  For a time I just stopped using my main Facebook account altogether and had a dummy account that I still used to participate in certain groups and talk to some close friends who live far away.  And then when I got back on my main account I blocked everyone who gave me any kind of negative feelings.  I mean, for a while I had two mutual friends who were screenshotting things she posted and sending them to me.  This was even after me asking them not to do that.  So I just decided for the sake of my own mental health I'm not communicating with these people anymore. 

But all that aside...  a few months ago someone told me my ex moved about a thousand miles away.  This was such a massive relief to me.  I saw her car sitting outside my house in the middle of the night once.  That creeped me out.  Knowing she doesn't live in the area anymore meant that wouldn't happen again.  There is an LGBTQ+ social group here in my town that has meetups on the regular.  I was always scared to go to those meetups because I know she was a member of that group (She was the one who told me about it.) Knowing she doesn't live here anymore meant I could go to them now and not worry.  I changed the place where I buy food for my snakes because she started working at that store.  So I had to buy my snake food somewhere else that was further away and more expensive.  This meant I could go back to the more affordable, more convenient pet store.  I even remember telling my therapist about it and saying I'm so glad she isn't around here anymore.  Now I don't have to worry about running into her, her showing up at my house, etc.  The person who told me this was a cab driver, if anyone is wondering how I found out.  My ex worked as a dispatcher for the cab company for a time and so all the drivers know her. And I rely on public transportation, so they all know me too.  They knew we were together at one point, etc.  

Well, tonight I found out accidentally that she still lives here in town.  Idk if she moved away for a short time and then moved back or what.  As much as I would like to say this doesn't bother me, it does.  Mainly because I feel like I could run into her anywhere.  She changes jobs like underwear and most of the jobs she has are jobs where she waits on the public. 

The last time I went into a gas station and she was working there I went up to the counter and bought my drink and treated her like I would treat any other random gas station worker.  I was cordial with her but I basically acted like we were strangers.  That's what I will do if it happens again.  But it was nice to have that few months of not having to worry about it at all.  This is a small town. 

I also wonder if she told this cab driver to tell me she moved just to mess with me.  They are friends.  I am just someone he gives a ride to once in a while.  She might have put him up to it in hopes that I would contact her.  That seems far fetched.  But that's the kind of vindictive person she is. 

I am the happiest I've been in a long time right now.  My life is amazing right now.  My business is more successful than it's ever been.  I have this amazing partner who loves me.  I've met some amazing people over the last year and made a few new friends.  I have some festivals coming up that are going to be awesome.  I have a great team of employees.  I have a day job that I love and the customers I deal with are great.  I know living well is the best revenge.  She's probably still a miserable drunk.  I know she had no interest in bettering her life last time I interacted with her.  And when I saw her at the gas station she looked like death.  I can't say for sure but I would guess she is still drinking heavily and wallowing in self hatred.  Her own Mom told me I'm better off without her. 

I am trying to think of ways to shake this anxiety and to just not even worry about seeing her out and about.  Any thoughts on any of this are appreciated. 

[catfeeder]

Glad you're questioning your anxiety. It might just be a habit that you carried around until you believed she was gone. But now it sounds as though you're in the perfect frame of mind to imagine giving her a smile and a wave as you keep on moving.

Practice viewing her through a lens of an afterthought rather than giving her the old weight of importance she used to have.

You've made BIG strides--huge. You're no longer the same person that she can influence. Once you can get comfortable with that fact, you can let the old stuff go. Picture yourself laughing to yourself as you walk away from her after an exchange that barely moves your needle.

Head high, Cynder--you have a lot to be proud of.

[Cynder]

On 2/21/2023 at 11:51 PM, catfeeder said:

Glad you're questioning your anxiety. It might just be a habit that you carried around until you believed she was gone. But now it sounds as though you're in the perfect frame of mind to imagine giving her a smile and a wave as you keep on moving.

Practice viewing her through a lens of an afterthought rather than giving her the old weight of importance she used to have.

You've made BIG strides--huge. You're no longer the same person that she can influence. Once you can get comfortable with that fact, you can let the old stuff go. Picture yourself laughing to yourself as you walk away from her after an exchange that barely moves your needle.

Head high, Cynder--you have a lot to be proud of.

I didn't even see this reply until a few days ago.  I was at a festival all last weekend and I realized something else there that kinda fits here. 

When we were still together I did a painting of her.  I just snapped a pic of her out on our front porch in a bikini one night and I decided to turn her into a Fairy.  I always have two large paintings that are hung out fron of my tent as showpieces.  These paintings sell, but not fast since they are usually really big and priced high.  The fairy painting I did of her is a showpiece.  I painted it right before she left me.  The shows in the months after she left when people asked me about it, I told everyone it's not for sale.  If anyone wanted to know the story behind it (Which a lot of my customers did) they were given a heartbreaking story about how she is the love of my life and there's no way I will ever sell that painting. 

Last summer, she was still right out in front of my tent.  Last summer when people asked about it they were given a price, but it was a high price on purpose because I didn't want to sell it.  And if they asked for a story, I said, "It's my ex girlfriend.  That painting was probably the best thing to come out of that relationship." And then we all laughed. 

This summer when she is still up, (But demoted to the back of the tent because I have new showpieces that are better) if someone asks, they will be given an affordable price, because I just want that painting gone.  It's a beautiful painting.  But it's bad mojo.  Whoever buys it doesn't need to know the backstory.  They will get joy out of it and I won't have to look at her anymore. 

My main showpiece this summer is a celestial painting of D and I.  Z didn't like the painting I did of her.  She said I didn't make her look pretty or feminine enough.  When D saw the sketch for the painting I did of us he thought it was the greatest thing ever and he was over the moon because I drew the scar from his top surgery. 

My work is the most significant thing in my life.  It is the one thing I will leave behind when I'm gone.  It's the only thing people will remember me for.  The change in my attitude about my painting of her is a huge.  She just doesn't have power over me anymore.