Years of mixed signals, was it ever real?

[Kate spiller]

I called him last night and confessed to him, sadly while crying. I asked how he saw me all this time and he admitted in all the years we've known each other since college, we didn't spend enough time for him get feelings for me.

When we texted we were both very vulnerable to each other and he told me things he never told to anyone. He used to call me cute lots of times, was very nice and kind to me, never forgot my birthday and nameday, affectionate on his good days and wanted to come visit my city one day. I really thought we had a connection.

He was very cold and detached all the way through, like he was in hurry. Before I called him I send him a message and he seemed very hesitant and worried to accept it, asking to write instead. I told him there's something that I can't simply write. When he called me, he seemed really anxious and not okay, I tried to set a light mood, asking how his day was but I could feel him not being in the mood to talk.

After the rejection, he told me that he had relationships that lasted days only. He's not ready to date, he's not ready for a relationship, he needs time to move on, he's very stressed.

Before this call, we hanged out for the first time in years and he was all awkward, nervous and fidgety around me. I saw that he wanted to hold my hand but gave up. He payed for my drink and took me to the place where he usually hangs out and plays board games.

I really cared about him and still do. But I will give him space, remain friends and move on.

Why is he so scared of me? Is he hiding his feelings from me?

[boltnrun]

Well, he's right that it's unlikely to develop romantic feelings for someone you only see once in several years and who you only communicate with over electronic devices. 

Why have you two not spent more time together in person?

[Kate spiller]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Well, he's right that it's unlikely to develop romantic feelings for someone you only see once in several years and who you only communicate with over electronic devices. 

Why have you two not spent more time together in person?

During college, we did work on a project together and had few short conversations with each other. I was more shy and did not approach him as much as I wanted because I thought he was not that interested in me as a person.

There were instances where he complimented my hair, and when we took a bus together it always felt awkward between us.

Then the covid pandemic hit and we did everything online, I had to go back to my city. Never saw him again.

During our call I told him that I wish I spent more time with him and he said he feels the same.

It was a pretty short 13 min call, I felt he was pretty stressed and wanted to end the call quick because tomorrow he had to go to work and it was kind of late.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Kate spiller said:

I called him last night and confessed to him. He's not ready to date, he's not ready for a relationship, he needs time to move on, he's very stressed.

In a way it's good you talked. At least you'll have closure that this is a friendship.  He's not stringing you along and wants to remain friends.

This way you can free yourself from the limbo and move forward.

 

[Kate spiller]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In a way it's good you talked. At least you'll have closure that this is a friendship.  He's not stringing you along and wants to remain friends.

This way you can free yourself from the limbo and move forward.

 

That's how I felt too, I'm glad I no longer have to think about a "what if" scenario now that I got his final answer.

[Jaunty]

In the future, try not to get so wrapped up in a person who you're not really interacting with regularly in real life.  It's not worth it.

[Kate spiller]

 

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

In the future, try not to get so wrapped up in a person who you're not really interacting with regularly in real life.  It's not worth it.

Definitely a lesson learned.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like there may have been someone else within earshot during this call and he didn't want that person hearing him talk to you. Or he was expecting someone else and needed to get you off the phone before they showed up. 

Either way, he's made his feelings clear. This is just a friendship to him, so now you can let go of the idea of being together someday. Try not to get too attached to the idea of someone in the future. If they can't see you regularly in person, it won't be worth it.