What do you think will happen in this situation?

[Feeling_bad]

Lately, my boyfriend of 2 years has been doing things that are very rude and hurtful to me. 2 weekends ago we made plans, but he took off out of town to go to a concert. He never told me about it. He didn’t bother to cancel. He just took off. He did tell me when he was already there. Last weekend, the same thing. Now this weekend we made plans. He was supposed to come to dinner last night. He canceled 15 minutes before dinner was ready. He told me during the day yesterday that he’d come. He only canceled (I had a feeling he would), when I texted him and asked him if he was still coming tonight and if not, to just say so. All ge responded with was “nope.” He did tell me he was with friends. I sent him a message a few hours later basically breaking up with him. He responded with “okay.” Then started telling me what a bad person he is. How much of an *** he is. He said he was so sorry. He also said he’s going through a lot of “mental like stuff right now”  The last I heard from him was, “I do not deserve a girlfriend.” 

 

I thought a little about it, and texted him this morning telling him I didn’t want to break up. That I want to be together. That I was really mad at him last night and that I want us to have a nice Christmas next week. I want him to spend time with me and my daughter and that I want him in my life. After that I sent another text saying that he told me he’s going through a lot right now: I asked him what he’s going through and told him to talk to me about it. I told him I’m here for love and support, and said that maybe that’s why he’s been this way. 

 

No response. 

 

I texted him 3 hours later saying to come over tonight and that I think we should talk about some stuff. That I want to know what’s really going on with him and to let me know if he’ll come over. 

 

No response. 

 

He’s been reading my messages and pretty quickly. He’s just not responding. 

 

I don’t know what to think. Are we broken up, or does he just need a little time? He seems to be ignoring me. Why? He hasn’t blocked me, yet. When we’ve had a hard time before he’s blocked me. He may though. I mean, if someone really doesn’t want to speak to or hear from you, wouldn’t they just block you? He has in the past several times. . 

 

How do I proceed? I think it’s best to just leave him alone for now. Are we done for real this time and will he speak to me eventually? I really don’t know what to think. I do love him and I don’t want to lose him. Should I trust him when he says he’s going through stuff, or is that just a way to make excuses for this behavior? I just want him to say something, any thing is better than being ignored. 

 

Like I said, we’ve been together for 2 years. We certainty have had our moments. But he’s eventually talked to me again. Why wouldn’t he speak to me after said I want to be with him? I don’t know how to go about this. What do you think will eventually happen? Will he speak to me again?

 

I know it's easy to say to just get rid of someone and move on with your life, but that isn't always the right approach, especially if you have a history together. People can be very cynical and negative about relationships.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

When we’ve had a hard time before he’s blocked me.

How many times has this happened?

3 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

He has in the past several times. . 

Again, how many times?

3 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

Should I trust him when he says he’s going through stuff, or is that just a way to make excuses for this behavior?

Excuses.

3 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

I know it's easy to say to just get rid of someone and move on with your life, but that isn't always the right approach, especially if you have a history together. People can be very cynical and negative about relationships.

Begging him to love you isn't a way to be respected.  He obviously doesn't, unfortunately.  It also makes it clear you don't respect yourself, which is why he feels free to treat you poorly.

Saying this relationship is doing you no good isn't being "cynical and negative".  It's being realistic because this apparently is a pattern.

I'm sorry you've chosen to continue in this heartbreaking situation.  I do recommend you stop contacting him, stop begging him to see you and/or talk to you and just take the time to deal with the understandingly difficult time you're going through.  With time will come acceptance that this man isn't the right one for you.

Take the holiday season to focus on your child and make a wonderful Christmas for her.

[Feeling_bad]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Again, how many times?

About 4 or 5.

I don't feel I'm "begging." I am trying to get it across to him that I am here for support and that I don't want us to break up. That i do love him and am there for him. It's not begging, or at least that's not my intention.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

About 4 or 5.

I don't feel I'm "begging." I am trying to get it across to him that I am here for support and that I don't want us to break up. That i do love him and am there for him. It's not begging, or at least that's not my intention.

To me it comes across as begging -someone who can't be bothered to keep plans with you or even respond to a text.  If you stay with him your daughter will end up having a negative view of relationships.  And wonder why you tolerate such disrespect.  

History -yes -so because of this history I would treat it differently than if it was just a few dates.  If he responds I would say "I am uncomfortable with this pattern of disrespect and silent treatment.  I don't deserve that treatment even if you are going through something (bu still able to go to concerts and out with friends -hmmmmm) - so I want you to give me space so I can spend time with my daughter without being distracted by your treatment of me and if you need me to help you find a good therapist or other resources I am happy to help since we have this history together"

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

About 4 or 5.

I don't feel I'm "begging." I am trying to get it across to him that I am here for support and that I don't want us to break up. That i do love him and am there for him. It's not begging, or at least that's not my intention.

It is begging. He is ignoring you yet you continue to message him asking to see him and/or talk to him. 

It's interesting his "mental stuff" prevents him from seeing you or even answering your messages yet he's perfectly able to go to concerts with friends and hang out with them. What's up with that?

He holds 100% of the power in this lopsided relationship.

What I wonder is why you accept such poor behavior. I presume you'll say something like "but I LOVE him!" or "We've been together for two years! It's not 'easy' to give up." But he's just not treating you like a loving partner. I don't see what's attractive about being ignored or blocked "4 or 5 times".

You can't "get" him to treat you better when you've allowed and stuck around for such dismissive treatment. He isn't suddenly going to start treating you with respect especially when you've clearly demonstrated you aren't respecting yourself.

I still believe it's best to just set this situation aside and focus on providing your child with a wonderful holiday season. She won't be a child forever so these years are precious.

[Feeling_bad]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What I wonder is why you accept such poor behavior. I presume you'll say something like "but I LOVE him!" or "We've been together for two years! It's not 'easy' to give up." But he's just not treating you like a loving partner. I don't see what's attractive about being ignored or blocked "4 or 5 times".

Fear of rejection and being completely alone. At my age (44), I worry I'll never meet anyone again. I don't want to spend my life alone. That's why I accept this behavior because to me, being with him is better than being alone. I've been alone for a long time. I don't want to do it anymore.

It's going to be hard for me to enjoy the holidays with my daughter if I'm sad about losing him. I'll do my best, but I can't just forget about it.

[Feeling_bad]

What I want to know especially, is whether this is a break up for real, or he's just needing time.

[Feeling_bad]

A couple of times when we've had a fight or hard time, he's said things like he needs some time to think, or he needs space, which i gave him. But he hasn't even said that. He's said nothing to me since his "I don't deserve a girlfriend" message last night. That's unusual for him to say absolutely nothing to me.

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

Fear of rejection and being completely alone. At my age (44), I worry I'll never meet anyone again. I don't want to spend my life alone. That's why I accept this behavior because to me, being with him is better than being alone. I've been alone for a long time. I don't want to do it anymore.

It's going to be hard for me to enjoy the holidays with my daughter if I'm sad about losing him. I'll do my best, but I can't just forget about it.

This makes me sad.

You can't enjoy the holidays with your daughter because some d-bag who treats you poorly is yet again treating you poorly?

I guarantee you won't look back and be glad you let that guy ruin your years with your daughter while she's still a child. You can't go back for a do over once she's an adult. If you let him destroy this for you, I promise you'll regret it.

And attaching yourself to man who disrespects you and treats you dismissively is better than being "alone"? Sorry, but he's already leaving you alone, isn't he?

I suggest talking to a therapist about why you think trying to force a relationship with someone like him is better than being single. You have so much to be grateful for. I wish you could realize that.

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

What I want to know especially, is whether this is a break up for real, or he's just needing time.

Stop allowing him to decide your future for you while you anxiously wait on pins and needles for him to deign to reply to your messages. Make the choice to set him aside until after the holidays. You can deal with him after you give your daughter a wonderful holiday.

[Feeling_bad]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I guarantee you won't look back and be glad you let that guy ruin your years with your daughter while she's still a child. You can't go back for a do over once she's an adult. If you let him destroy this for you, I promise you'll regret it.

And attaching yourself to man who disrespects you and treats you dismissively is better than being "alone"? Sorry, but he's already leaving you alone, isn't he?

You are correct about that first part, She is my daughter and won't get these years back. But at the same time, I don't want her to see me sad. How can I not be when we've been together that length of time.

Yes, in a sense he's left me alone. Why would he say things like he's not a good guy, say he's so sorry, and not deserving of a girlfriend if he's intent on being so disrespectful to me?

[Jaunty]

31 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

What I want to know especially, is whether this is a break up for real, or he's just needing time.

You could be the one breaking up, for real, this time.

Please do not continue to accept this type of treatment.  Nobody deserves to be treated this way.  Why do you choose to be in a relationship like this?  You say you fear it's your last chance to find someone due to your age of 44.   Please let me know what is the benefit of this particular relationship for you.  How does this kind of dismissive, cold, careless behavior enhance your life?  I don't believe that it does.  

 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

Why would he say things like he's not a good guy, say he's so sorry, and not deserving of a girlfriend if he's intent on being so disrespectful to me?

So here's the thing about men like him.  They get off on knowing a woman is so desperate to hang onto him she'll put up with anything he chooses to do to her.  That's why he says what he says, to keep you attached to him so he can congratulate himself on what a stud he is.  He's probably trying to see how much you're willing to put up with just to keep such a stud as him in your life.  Barf.

BTW, how do I know?  Because I was involved with a man just like him.  He too disregarded me whenever he felt like it, then when he thought he may have gone too far and I might leave him, he would call me with his sad sob story about how he's such an a-hole and how bad he felt about it.  However, he didn't stop treating me poorly, which spoke volumes about his true intentions. I got great insight from him, though.  He told me he treated me poorly because I allowed it, and he figured I must like being treated poorly since I stayed and even told him I loved him!  He also said he didn't respect me because I clearly didn't respect myself when I allowed him to treat me so poorly.

This man is keeping you around for his own selfish motives.  None of which are because he loves you.  If he did he would rather die than treat you so badly.

Please let him stay gone.  He is not going to make you feel better about yourself.

[Feeling_bad]

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Please do not continue to accept this type of treatment.  Nobody deserves to be treated this way.  Why do you choose to be in a relationship like this?  You say you fear it's your last chance to find someone due to your age of 44.   Please let me know what is the benefit of this particular relationship for you.  How does this kind of dismissive, cold, careless behavior enhance your life?  I don't believe that it does.  

Because before this started happening a few weeks ago, he's been a great guy. We get along well, we have a deep connection, We've had a really good relationship.

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

Fear of rejection and being completely alone. At my age (44), I worry I'll never meet anyone again. I don't want to spend my life alone. That's why I accept this behavior because to me, being with him is better than being alone. I've been alone for a long time. I don't want to do it anymore.

It's going to be hard for me to enjoy the holidays with my daughter if I'm sad about losing him. I'll do my best, but I can't just forget about it.

You can be sad about losing him (which you already have -right? -I'm sorry this is happening but -right?) AND you can react by prioritizing your daughter.  I have to do that very often for my son  -I'm stressed/sleep deprived/frustrated with a work situation but I show up for my son.  It's not his fault -he's 13.  You don't forget about it. You feel the feelings and you choose the reaction -whether that's too work out the negative crap on a treadmill or a brisk walk, or to count your blessings with your daughter, etc you do it.

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

Because before this started happening a few weeks ago, he's been a great guy. We get along well, we have a deep connection, We've had a really good relationship.

So he's blocked you 4 or 5 times just in the past few weeks?

[Feeling_bad]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I got great insight from him, though.  He told me he treated me poorly because I allowed it, and he figured I must like being treated poorly since I stayed and even told him I loved him!  He also said he didn't respect me because I clearly didn't respect myself when I allowed him to treat me so poorly.

I've told him that I don't like the way he treats and told him how it makes me feel, and if he does it again, I'm breaking up with him, and I did last night. I know my message this morning took back the breakup. That's because I don't really want to lose him.

[Feeling_bad]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So he's blocked you 4 or 5 times just in the past few weeks?

No, that's been in the course of 2 years. When things get hard for him, he shuts down. We had a fight last year and a couple of times he's needed space to sort things out.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Feeling_bad said:

Fear of rejection and being completely alone. At my age (44), I worry I'll never meet anyone again. I don't want to spend my life alone. That's why I accept this behavior because to me, being with him is better than being alone. I've been alone for a long time. I don't want to do it anymore.

 

Yeah, that is not really a good attitude about dating. With that kind of attitude no wonder your man would be somebody who ignores your messages. Because you are basically saying to him that his behavior is allowed. There are no consequences of it. He can treat you like dirt and you wont ever leave. So in turn he doesnt respect you at all. Its a basic "action- reaction". Your action is that you are settling for somebody who treats you bad. His reaction is to just not respect you because of that.

Also, fear of rejection and being alone, albeit common, is something you settle with the therapist. You dont jump into relationship with somebody just to have somebody. Precisely because this kind of stuff happens. Where you would be unhappy. But still stay in the relationship. Yes, being a 40something mom on a dating market is hard. But if you dont realize that being alone is prefferable then being with somebody who treats you bad, this is the kind of men you would get. 

[Feeling_bad]

I told him this morning in the I don't want to break up message that I don't want to be treated like this anymore.

 

[Batya33]

My friend got divorced in her mid 40s.  She met a lovely man after her divorce through an online dating site -they dated for 7 years.  She prefers not to date -she has her kids and grandkids.  I met my true love -well, we reconnected - when we were in our late 30s.  Had I been afraid of being "alone" (you're not alone -you're blessed with a daughter and you have friends and family right?) I never ever would have reconnected with him because that fear -it drives people away -people who are reasonably confident sense the desperation, the fear and they retreat and keep their distance.  

It's not fair to him or your daughter to stay out of fear. I mean he benefits sort of -he gets to have sex with you and get a nice meal whenever it's convenient for him or when he feels like pretending to be a couple with you.  But he will meet a reasonably confident woman who knocks his socks off and often those men shape up and step up to the plate so that the reasonably confident woman won't kick em to the curb.  And that will hurt you more than now I think.  Don't you agree?

I hope you make the right choice that reflects you giving a darn about you.  And your daughter.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Feeling_bad said:

I told him this morning in the I don't want to break up message that I don't want to be treated like this anymore.

 

Good words.  Match words with actions.  Like you do with your daughter -do you ever tell her "if you don't ___ there will be consequences (like no more screen time or having to go to bed early, etc) and then you have to follow through, right?

[Feeling_bad]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes, being a 40something mom on a dating market is hard. But if you dont realize that being alone is prefferable then being with somebody who treats you bad, this is the kind of men you would get. 

But being alone isn't preferable to me. I want a relationship. I want to settle down and get married again (maybe not to him), I've been alone for a long time and I'm tired of it.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

I told him this morning in the I don't want to break up message that I don't want to be treated like this anymore.

 

And what are you willing to do now since he chose to ignore this message?

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Feeling_bad said:

But being alone isn't preferable to me. I want a relationship. I want to settle down and get married again (maybe not to him), I've been alone for a long time and I'm tired of it.

He uses your desperation against you.

Do you really think he has no idea how desperate you are to hold onto him? He knows.

Prove him wrong. Teach your daughter what a strong woman with healthy self esteem does when a man treats her poorly.