It Just Gets Worse...

[alona125]

I have posted many times before about my relationship with my boyfriend, and things haven't changed.

 

yesterday, I called him and said I would be off work early, we should meet for lunch.

I go his house, he is not there at the time we agreed on. I called him, and he didn't answer.

 

5 min later, he pulls up and we drive to a restaurant. He doesn't even give me a hug or say much of anything.

He acts really weird and standoff-ish. To sum it up, this is how he was the whole day.

 

Then, he started yelling at me that when I come up to see him, I need to find things to do, because he is not going to entertain me! So, he goes to his neighbors to play XBOX for an hour. (he is 33 by the way.)

Well, he comes back, and starts picking and nagging at me for every little thing! It turns into a huge argument, he tells me to get out.

 

I go, but I am way too upset to drive. I wait for awhile and text him saying I can't drive, can I just stay at your place. He texts back saying "i need to be alone." I call him back twice, he answers, then hangs up.

 

I was a wreck last night. I thought i was doing good, finally letting him out of my life, then this happened. I just need some encouragement so I can become confident again and finally leave him.

I think I will ignore his calls if he calls back. He didn't even call last night to see if I was ok or got home safe.

[imagi]

This guy doesn't sound like the greatest guy to be with. He's obviously not making you happy, and he's being an out right jerk even when you're clearly very upset. You need to start thinking about you. He's quite clearly being inconsiderate, rude, and standoffish to you. I'm really sorry about the way that he treats you =(.

[kenneth05]

Why on earth would you want to retain a relationship with such a person?

[RayKay]

It sounds like he is trying to pick fights with you in a way, maybe to get you to be the one to break it off, or to find reasons to break it off himself.

 

Sorry sweetie, but it really does not sound like he respects you very much or truly "enjoys" being with you.

 

I am not sure what you are waiting for, it is always hard to leave someone so sometimes you just have to do it when you know it is not a healthy situation for either of you. Don't make excuses for him, just walk away you deserve way better.

[alona125]

Good Question.

I am having the hardest time leaving and just ending it.

I am miserable, yet I still don't 100% leave.

Maybe its because its my first real relationship, and I don't know anything else.

I need support to leave for good.

Im not calling him at all today, and you know what, who says I will even miss him. I def. won't miss the control and verbal abuse and anger!

[alona125]

Thanks RayKay

 

I am doing that starting today, and hopefully I will stick to it.

 

I asked him if he wants to break up, and he just says, well, "I never said that."

 

Its a control thing I think

[cleverme123]

He is doing something deceptive and for that reason he is making you feel guilty and fighting with you. He has something to hide.

 

He did you a huge favor by telling you to get out, now all you have to do is keep going you have the right to be happy and happiness does not lie in the relationship with him.

 

Don't get sunk in the trap too many people do, when you can't get out and things get worse.

[Softmoonlight]

Darling, I want to tell you something. I am and have been where you are right now. And you know what? They never change.

 

I have been with my bf and he used to be that way all the time. So I thought, "he will change," and he has somewhat after years of struggles. However, the same old tricks come into play whenever he is upset with anything, he won't commit, and I'm wasting my time.

 

Don't be me. Just end it, do no contact, and find some real friends to spend time with. If nothing else, get a pet. At least then you will have someone who loves you in return and won't waste years of your life.

He will come crawling back when he wants attention again, and what you need to do is tell him he's not welcome to talk to you anymore and you do not want to be his friend.

 

And by the way, even if things "work out" the way you want them to,

there's always some new issue to deal with. Trust me on this. Mine always complained it was "how hard his life was" that was holding him back from being a good boyfriend to me. Now he has an ideal job, lives outside his parent's house with me, and makes decent cash. he still has not changed. Period.

 

Trust me. Don't waste your time.

[alona125]

Cleverme123:

Yes, I was thinking that too. But, I don't know if it is another women or not. He leaves his phone around me all the time, doesn't hide it anymore, and answers in front of me.

Who knows though. It has to be something. No person, under normal circumstances, would treat their gfriend like this. He is always blaming me. He owns up to his temper, but nothing else.

Softmoonlight:

I am sorry you are in the situation you are in right now. It sucks doesn't it!? Why the h*** is it so hard to get out, when they treat you like crap. I am starting by keeping my phone away from me, and keeping busy. I will not call him, and I will try to hold myself to that.

He didn't even call to see if I was ok, or got home safetly last night! He still hasn't even called. What a jerk. You are right, it never will change. I wish you the best in your situation. Its hard, I know.

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

Maybe its because its my first real relationship, and I don't know anything else.

 

You won't ever have the opportunity to until you let this creep go and move one with your life. I can assure you that most men are not like this and if you drop him and spend time away from him you will begin to see this.

 

 

I need support to leave for good.

 

You know you have my support 100% after everything he has done to you, there is no answer but to leave him. Trust me when I say the unknown is 100% better and safer than staying with someone who verbally and physically abuses you consistantly.

I asked him if he wants to break up, and he just says, well, "I never said that."

 

Its a control thing I think

 

It absoloutely is a control thing, and that what he is all about , controlling you. Why do you think he keeps taking you back? Because no one else would allow him to treat them the way you do.

 

And yes, he has said he wanted to break up, several times.

[alona125]

I did need to hear that Hope. That most men are NOT like him. That helps so much, because I don't know any different. He is the first real boyfriend I have had.

I want to be treated with respect, and with kindness so much, I want to cry.

I am such a sweet, nice person, and sure, I have my annoying qualities, but nothing that deserves his treatment.

Thanks to everyone. This is the support I need.

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

I want to be treated with respect, and with kindness so much, I want to cry

 

The fact that you cry when you think about this is so sad, because there are alot of good men out there who treat women with love and respect and would never dream on laying a hand on a woman in a violent way.

 

I cried for months because I was so greatful to meet a man who cared about my feelings for chance and who didn't hit me, after I left my ex.

 

Give yourself a chance to meet a guy like that. Someone out there is waiting to meet you and treat you like the warm, caring, wonderful, intelligent person you are. You just have to believe that you are worth that, and you are, trust me.

[alona125]

You are so sweet Hope. You know how it feels to have your heart broken, and feel so low about yourself after being in this kind of relationship. There are women that will leave the moment they are mistreated, and never look back. I don't know why I am not this time, but I want to be that person.

I just need to build my self esteem up, and my confidence. I want to look back at this whole relationship and experience, and laugh that I put up with so much. I will be posting a lot here, in hopes it will keep me from calling him ever again. You all help so much.

I hope you are doing well with your boyfriend. You deserve it.

[Hope75]

Thanks, Alona.

 

Things are going pretty well right now. But remember, I was where you are once too, and it takes alot of strength and resolution to make the choice to get out and stay out, but once you do, it does feel so good.

 

I have alot of faith in you, you recognize that the way your bf treats you is wrong, and that no one deserves to be treated that way, no matter what the excuse is. You know that you are not getting what you want and need from the relationship, and that he will never change. It's just a question of how long you decide to let yourself be the victim, and when you decide to take control and realize that what you have with him is not love, it is codependancy, and it's unhealthy.

 

He does not love you. If he did, he would never treat you this way. He does not love himself either, or he wouldn't allow himself to treat another human being the way he treats you.

 

I pray for you every day that today will be the day, and you will wake up and leave him for good, that today will be the day you say, "enough is enough." and it really will be.

[Softmoonlight]

I have no idea why it's sooooo hard to leave when you know things will never be resolved and will only get worse over time.

 

Well actually I do. Read this article, and you will cringe throughout the entire thing. It makes so much sense it's frightening. link removed and pick articles. Then read "Identifying losers in relationships." Then read "stockholm's syndrome" and by the end you'll be weeping.

 

Good luck to us all.

Shawna

[alona125]

Hope: I will see that now. That is what I have to see in order to stay away. He says he loves me, but he sure doesn't treat me that way.

It does take a lot of strength to leave, but one can only take so much, and I think I may have reached that point. I have to keep thinking, it won't change, he won't change. Im glad to hear things are working out for you. You deserve it!

 

Softmoonlight:

Good luck to you too, and I will check out that article. Thanks! We can do it.

[lifeiscash]

Softmoonlight That article was really inspiring and helpful and downright scary. Majority of the problems that were listed is what my ex-girlfriend had. Now I look back and realize I made the right decision. Thanks for posting the link.

 

Alona: You are so right when you say people like that never change. After reading that article it makes you all the more wiser when understand how they CAN'T change. It reminds me of a bully when I think about it logically. A bully will tear you down emotionally and physically to only make himself feel better about himself, not caring about how you feel because they are the only ones that matter. The only exception is that these type of people sometimes keep you close so they can always have that control over you by manipulation.

 

There are many great guys out there, me being one of them . In time you will realize you are making the right decision. Be strong and don't let him control you anymore. Good Luck with everything.

[alona125]

Softmoonlight:

That was a great article. Thanks! My boyfriend has more than 5 on that list. Scary! I will keep it with me as a reminder.

 

Lifeiscash:

Im sorry for the experiene you had with your girlfriend. Like you told me, there are so many GIRLS out there for you, who are just longing for a man who will treat them well. Thanks for the encouragement, and good luck to us all.

[alona125]

I have a question Hope, or to anyone who has been in this situation.

What do you think will happen when I don't call my ex/boyfriend for a while, knowing that he is verbally abusive and controlling of me.

He has told me to get out, and we have broken up, but got back together later.

I don't want to get back with him this time, but I was just wondering what I may expect from him. Will he call me a lot, or given my situation/circumstances, will he take this as a relief that I am leaving him alone??

Thanks

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

Well, you've broken up with him before, and you know that what he's done in the past is he has usually waited a few days or even a week without calling and then he's called and either pretended like nothing happened or apologized. This is where you go wrong. Don't pick up the phone.

 

Most likely he will try a few times and be nice, then he will get angry and leave rude messages because he isn't getting his way and we all know how he loves to be in control, particularly of you. After that, I don't know how persistent he is, he may try to bother you at work (by the way, what do you do for work?) or stop by your house. You just need to be strong and not pick up the phone. If he has house keys you want to chance your locks, this can be pretty simple if you have a friend who's handy they can change the doorknob with a new lock, or you can get a padlock at Home Depot and put it in or have a friend do it.

 

Let you friends and family know what is going on so if you need to call someone in the middle of the night to get help (worst case scenario) they will be ready for it. Keep your cell phone in your bedroom next to your bed on silent at night so you don't hear it ring, but so it's on and available should you need to call the police.

 

Hopefully he will get the picture without too much of a fuss but the important thing is for you not to pick up the phone.

 

Each time you answer, even if it's just to reiterate yourself that it's over, you are fueling him, because in the past he has taken you back every single time, and he's sure in his head that if he can get to you, that you will come back. This is where you need to prove him wrong.

 

When do you think you'll tell him? Or will you just stop taking his calls?

 

Hope

[alona125]

Hey Hope:

You are right. He just needs to feel in control, and in the past, I HAVE come back.

He did call me while I was at work, but I left my phone in the car and didn't answer. He didn't leave a message. Who knows what he was calling for. Knowing him, to yell or say it is over. He really hasn't been one to apologize.

I text'd him back about 2 hours later, and said just this, "I saw you called, and if you wanted to tell me to leave you alone, its done. If you want to say anything nice, please feel free to call." That may sound pathetic, but it was to the point, and I really wasn't planning on answering if he did call back.

Well, he hasn't called back since the reply to my text. Who knows what he is thinking. Maybe he is happy Im not calling and bugging him, which I never even did before.

Oh well, I am still doing fine, and I hope to stay that way.

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

I'm glad you are feeling strong. You did make one mistake though:

I text'd him back about 2 hours later, and said just this, "I saw you called, and if you wanted to tell me to leave you alone, its done. If you want to say anything nice, please feel free to call."

 

I wouldn't invite him to call you back for any reason. Then if he calls back and is nice to you or leaves a nice message, you will be tempted to call him back.

 

Ignorance is the best way to handle this. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

 

The more you respond to any of his baiting, the more you give him fuel to keep trying. You want to snuff this toxic flame before it gets more dangerous.

 

Hope

[alona125]

He didn't call back last night, and I still feel pretty good. I just went back and thought of all the cruel things he said to me, and it made me feel sick.

His issue lately was that he "didn't know what to do with me." I was always at his place, since I live in the next county 40 min away. He was always complaining about how he had to "entertain me," and that I never come up with anything.

That got really old, as I was content to do anything, the main thing was just to be with him, since I didn't see him at all mid week. He didn't understand that, and it turned into a huge thing, and he chose to yell at me for that the past few weeks.

 

 

I have to get this out too, when I my bf on Thurs, we ran into one of his friends at lunch. His friend came over to our table, and was talking to my BF about a job interview, and looking only at my bf the whole time. I was attentive, but the conversation was not directed at me at all. When his friend left, my bfriend said something really cruel. "well, did you get something caught in your throat or something??" I asked him what that was supposed to mean, and he just said, "whatever, it doesn't matter, now you see where the age difference comes in??"

That comment he made just really stung, and I kinda had to share it since its been bothering me.

[Hope75]

Alona,

 

This guy really doesn't have any redeeming qualitites. You are making the right choice by cutting him from your life.

 

Frankly, doesn't it get exhausting just trying not to piss him off?

 

Relationships are supposed to be fun, and enjoyable and pleasurable for both parties involved, and it doesn't sound like either of you have been having much fun for quite some time. It's more like a contest about who can hurt the other most in a moment of anger, and that is so bad for you!

 

The cleaner and quicker you cut him out of your life, the easier you are going to find it will be to live a life where you don't have to worry, "is he going to call me back with a retort to my nasty little message", or, "did he get my apology for doing nothing wrong but he flew off the handle anyway".

[alona125]

Hope, you are right that relationships are supposed to be fun for both parties. We had great fun sometimes, then others, he would be a monster to me.

It is kinda getting harder as he hasn't called. Im being strong though, im just feeling hurt a little now.

Its hard to think of him moving on with his life, and with someone else. I guess I just have to think that he will eventually treat her the same way. Or, maybe not. The next women may not piss him off as much as I did.

Weekends are always hard.