What is the matter???

[Softmoonlight]

What do you think is wrong here? I have been dating the same man for over 5 ½ years. We live together in my home.

 

He has been working at a new job for about a month now, and although I'm glad, things have certainly changed in our relationship over the past few weeks.

 

He hardly wants any sort of intimate connection now (sex, holding hands, hugging, kissing) and when I try to initiate those things, he looks at me as if I'm a stranger trying to kiss someone I've never met. He is behaving very oddly, and I don't understand why. Like this morning I tried to kiss him as he got out of the car and he backed away. How hurtful!

 

I've asked him if he is seeing someone else, and he has said no. I asked him if he still loves me and he says yes, but that he "doesn't feel right" with me and he wishes I would just act more like his friend for now.

 

Obviously I'm very hurt and I don't understand. We were once a very intimate couple and talked all the time. Now he hardly talks to me and when he does, it seems like he is chatting with a friend.

 

Do you think he is cheating or considering someone else, or do you think he is just focusing so much on his new job that he is putting a wall up in our relationship to concentrate on it?

 

Any input is much appreciated.

[Iceman26]

Wow, thats definetly weird. I am not sure what he is doing....I dont know him.......but to my mind when a man withdraws from his woman like that, I would guess that hes a cheater. The one thing for certain is this. If you arent happy, and he isnt meeting your needs, move on. Don't tolerate this immaturity and games.

[Falucchi]

Sounds like you need to trust your gut instinct.

He's totally distanced himself from you, and there's a reason for it.

He's either seeing someone else, mentally ill, or planning to move out soon. My guess is another woman-- what's yours?

 

Men don't "put up a wall" to focus on their job, and don't even think about excusing or rationalizing his behavior. Something's up and you know it.

 

You can't fix a relationship by yourself. Tell him you refuse to live with your "roommate" and ask him to leave immediately. You'll probably get more honest communication in that moment then you will if you "let it go" for another 4 months.

(Not saying you are going to end it, but force the issue and make him take responsibility for his crappy behavior.)

Take care.

[annie24]

Yes. I agree with Iceman and Falucci. Something's up. This is not normal behavior ... saying he wants his "gf" to act more like a friend. My guess also is that there's someone else in the picture. Like Falucci said - don't let things go on. Tell him that you aren't happy in this relationship as things currently are. See what happens. Good luck.

[punchy504]

I agree with iceman to an extent but some guys do feel quite intimidated in a new job which makes them feel a bit un-manly, thus libido and intimacy go down, I would give him a bit more time to get used to his new situation, also be encouraging and supportive, at least for this period of time put your needs on the back burner while he adjusts

[annie24]

Ok - how long has this lack of intimacy thing been going on? If it co-incides with the new job, then yes, punchy has a good point.

[Hope75]

The only times I've seen a man act like that is when they either were already seeing someone new, or were interested in someone new and hadn't yet done anything about it, but were thinking of it or planning on it.

 

I too would sit him down and tell him how alienated he is making you feel, an how different things are from before.

 

Tell him that you are not happy with the present situation and that something needs to be done to change it.

 

See what he says, my hunch is, he says goodbye. For your sake, I hope he is willing to stick around and try to work things out, but when it goes downhill like this, usually the man is distancing himself in preperation of leaving.

[kungfumaster]

I agree with everyone above, and their opinions. Just wanted to interject (sorry) that its not just men who do this when they want to potentially leave - women of course do this too, eg, my ex acted the same way.

[spiderman_56]

well i guess every1 is right ...

either he is having some really serious problems (psycho or some real serious troubles) or there is another female in the picture , it's probably starting and he doesn't quite know how to handle but his emotions for u r questioned seriously and threatened by another female.

[AlleyCat]

What do you think is wrong here? I have been dating the same man for over 5 ½ years. We live together in my home.

I asked him if he still loves me and he says yes, but that he "doesn't feel right" with me and he wishes I would just act more like his friend for now.

 

I can sympathize with your situation. My b/f and I have been together for over 6 years and we're currently living together. About a year ago, his life changed when he graduated from law school and entered the "real world" for the first time. He became very distant, like your b/f. On several occasions, he said that things "didn't feel right" between us, but he eventually realized that he was just confused overall about life, adjusting to the changes and facing the prospect of working full time for the rest of his life.

 

How does your b/f feel overall about life, his new job, etc.? This new job really could be affecting his overall attitude, not just his attitude regarding you. If his entire life is being affected, I would suggest giving him time and a little space (but only you can decide how much time you're willing to wait). Since you've already been together for 5 1/2 years, waiting a month or two isn't much in the grand scheme of things, if you think your relationship is worth it and truly believe that he loves you and wants to make it work.

[kungfumaster]

I struck a chord with me while rereading these posts - especially the one

by punchy and alleycat -

 

I'm just wondering (because I think this might have happened to me + I moved to a different city - so add that stress in), is it too much to ask for the other party watching their partner experience this change/adjusting to not wait for his/her partner to battle through the confusion and work himself through this?

 

Ooops, I guess maybe I've answered my own question. It is clear that my ex thought it was too much to wait until I adjusted.

[alona125]

Softmoonlight:

 

It sounds like an odd situation, and I do know what you mean too. My bf, or soon to be ex, has been that way lately too.

His excuse, which I kinda understand, is that once you have been with someone for a while, you have to find other things to do besides sex. Its weird, because I still feel as intimate with him as in the beginning, but he feels it happens that way once you have been with someone for a while.

I don't think he is cheating on me, because of other signs. He had his phone out all the time, didn't seem to hide much, but that doesn't mean much I guess.

 

Have you seen any signs of cheating?? Phone bill, hiding cell phone, coming home late?