Wife doesn't orgasm

[maritalbliss86]

18 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Please, don't say to your wife she should have shut her mouth about it.

I agree... I understand your anger, but it's misdirected.  

Your anger is really more about the lack of communication.  So telling her something like this (to stop communicating!) will only make that lack of communication even worse.  

Hopefully y'all can go to therapy to work it out together... this is deeper than just lack of orgasm.  Hopefully she can open up and you can forgive her/work through the process with her and find happiness together.

[hub49]

31 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

In your metaphor above I would say I state I don't eat steak (btw, I really don't 🙂) before someone tries to cook one for me and we're in an awkward or hurtful situation.

Please, don't say to your wife she should have shut her mouth about it. It would have come up one way or another. Then she would've been blamed for putting you in a position of constant doubt and questioning yourself by not being upfront from the start or who knows what.

I agree that it would've come up at some point. Like with any other message, it's all in how clearly you say it. 

If she had said, "it's a me thing and I'm not concerned with it and you shouldn't be either," that would have been fine.  She's able to communicate in a way that doesn't feel like shaming and blaming. It sounds like you are upfront about having a tougher time cumming but you aren't really bothered by it so the guy shouldn't focus on it either. 

[oldenoughtoknow]

Wow, this is an amazing thread, with some amazing responses. It really resonates with my past life experiences. 

I know this is also an older thread, but in case the OP is still listening, this is my advice. It's become clear in this thread, you both have issues. She has been unknowingly pressing your buttons, and you may well be pressing some of hers.

Do not just leave. That would be throwing away 20 years for both of you. You know, this pattern will repeat in your next relationship, plus the new relationship will have additional issues of its own. Neither of your issues will magically resolve on their own, and you each have a perfect participant to aide in resolving your pasts. Relatively quickly. Be honest with her and demand counseling. If she refuses, then tell her you're considering leaving her. Then, demand again. You're on that path already, so what do you have to lose? Hopefully, she will agree. 

Find a really good ACT therapist in your area - with a willing partner, it is very powerful. An example of how it works, a good therapist will guide you both through a recent interaction that triggered your abandonment issues. You will start emoting. Then your wife will be asked to not speak. The therapist will start to push you and push you. Why did she do this? Why would she do this? Did it make you feel like this? Did it make you feel like that? And just when you're about to lose it, the therapist will turn to your wife and ask "is this how you intended to make him feel?" Of course, she won't have a clue what you were thinking. She will no doubt say something very affirming. Like "no of course I didn't mean to make you feel that way." 

When you're on the brink, and you hear the (present day) cause of your pain (your wife) speak her quiet truth, it is profound. For me, past scenes of abandonment trauma flashed in my head, as if they were being reassigned or saying goodbye. It felt as if my brain was rewiring itself almost to the point of vertigo. I felt my brain literally shaking in my skull. After the emotions subside, you will feel an immediate relief. You will go home looking at her in a completely different light. It will take at least a few sessions for this to be retained long term, so stick with it. Then, it's her turn for you both to tackle her issue(s). 

In a short period of time, your relationship will grow to a deep level of love and trust that you would never have dreamed possible. And, the universal issues that are cleared will improve your life outside of the relationship as well. OP if your still listening, I think it's well worth a shot. 

[MainMichaela]

On 6/24/2022 at 10:02 AM, hub49 said:

We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me. 

Can she orgasm when she masturbates? Have you tried asking her to show you how she makes herself orgasm? 
 

Maybe suggest a small vibrator and asking her what’s she wants you to do and what feels good. 
 

Take time without worrying about your orgasm to figure out what can make her orgasm. 
 

im sure you can spare a few orgasms since she’s spared quite a few too. 😉 

[Mammalyssa]

Wow people are being harsh here... I wonder what the outcome was hub? 

 

I understand the circumstance you're talking about. Some people are not sexually compatible. I could not orgasm with my husband and we were married 14 years, together for 18. My partner of 3 years I'm about a 20 second girl. And I thought I was broken... lol 

 

Our differences in preference were the reason. I liked toys and needed more than penetration.  He found toys threatening to his masculinity. I wanted him to perform oral, he though that was gross but wanted to receive. He liked to go slow, I wanted a wham bam thank you mam.  You get the picture ..  he was conservative and I'm a bit out there.

 

For many women it's the lack of connection emotionally that affects the sex life. 

 

And Im just going to go ahead and say YES.... if the sex life is unsatisfactory for either one of you it can be the ultimate reason you leave. Some of us are sexual creatures and its important to us to be able to be emotionally healthy to achieve a healthy sex life. Having said that, i would hope you would try everything in your power to make things better before just leaving. 

 

In your shoes I'd be asking her directly. 

- has she orgasmed ever?

- does she have a fantasy she'd like to play out?

- is there anything you're doing that doesn't really do it for her? 

- is there anything she's thought about doing with you that she hasn't asked for? 

- would she be open to getting drunk with you and trying some new things? ( it just takes the inhibition away for something that could otherwise be awkward) 

-would she watch porn with you prior to falling around? 

-does she need you to wine and dine her first to get that connection going?