I need help, I don't know what to do.

[Rob]

I was with my ex for 6 months. 18-20 It was honestly pretty amazing but I kept getting closer to her and she just felt kind of distant, she's not big on sharing emotions. I ended up panicking over it and breaking things off with her 2 months ago. I immediately felt regret. I have never seen her cry, look, or act sad. But she told me she was devastated and crying constantly. She didn't try and say anything about trying to fix it, we really didn't have great communication and at the time I felt like I couldn't get through to her and I didn't realize until later that I didn't even try 😞. I have never been in worse pain, these past 2 months have been horrible. we have kept in touch these past months but only for like a couple hours of texting and then nothing for a weeks. I have always been the one to reach out during these times. I called her about 2 weeks after it and tried to talk about things and how I felt I had just made a terrible mistake but she redirected the conversation. I contacted her a few times to try and discuss things and even asked her to think about trying to fix things and she didn't get back to me. I kept talking to her and she would mention guy friends I hadn't heard about out of the blue, and then talked about going on a date on her birthday with a guy. I felt so much anguish knowing she was out having a good time with someone else. She said something like "maybe im moving on to fast or just coping". I texted her the other night to see how she was using and I guess the guy she was seeing took advantage of her emotional state and just used her. I feel like garbage, just this empty feeling that its my fault and I desperately want to fix it. She isn't great at understanding her own emotions and that's really difficult for me to handle. I know that it was just a rebound thing and she just wanted to feel like she felt before with me, with him. But she doesn't seem to realize that. I honestly don't want to let her go, this is the only girl I have ever actually loved, I have been talking to her a bit and she seems a little more open about things and at this point I'm pretty determined to do whatever I have to, I cant stand the thought of her being miserable, even if helping her and hearing about her pain, burns. She's not toxic just not experienced at relationships (I'm not really either). and her parents are good friends with mine but don't like me anymore. They aren't super emotional people either and that's probably where her issues with that comes from. I'm just not sure how to fix this. Its really hard when she doesn't seem very interested in doing that. Are we save able? Could we build something better, something new on this? Has anyone ever done that at come out on top? I called her when we broke up because if I had looked her in the eyes I wouldn't have been able to. I feel like if I can just get through to her a bit, maybe take her out somewhere to do something casual she'd realize that she does want me?

[Andrina]

It's unfair to expect her to change in a major way (not affectionate enough for your taste, it sounds like). You didn't like her "as is." It'd be kinder to let her go so she can find somebody who appreciates her exactly as she is.

Don't second guess your decision to break up. It was the right one. You two don't match. This is the time of your life when you will be meeting the hugest pool of single women your age. That time is fleeting as when you finish your education, the pool of singles you'll encounter becomes smaller.

See this as a learning experience of what you don't want in a partner. Staying friends will prevent you from moving on. Explain that you will have to go no contact to benefit the both of you. Take care.

[gamon]

Sellers remorse.

You really oughta just leave her be. If she decides she wants back in, that's one thing but chasing after her, after dumping her for what you now believe to be a big mistake is just cruel. Especially since she's mostly resistant to your efforts.

 

[Rob]

32 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It's unfair to expect her to change in a major way (not affectionate enough for your taste, it sounds like). You didn't like her "as is." It'd be kinder to let her go so she can find somebody who appreciates her exactly as she is.

Don't second guess your decision to break up. It was the right one. You two don't match. This is the time of your life when you will be meeting the hugest pool of single women your age. That time is fleeting as when you finish your education, the pool of singles you'll encounter becomes smaller.

See this as a learning experience of what you don't want in a partner. Staying friends will prevent you from moving on. Explain that you will have to go no contact to benefit the both of you. Take care.

You are right. I didn't appreciate her, but I think that has been to a lack of understanding of eachother no? 

[Rob]

30 minutes ago, gamon said:

Sellers remorse.

You really oughta just leave her be. If she decides she wants back in, that's one thing but chasing after her, after dumping her for what you now believe to be a big mistake is just cruel. Especially since she's mostly resistant to your efforts.

 

How would she decide she wants back in if I don't extend a hand to her? if I don't show her how much she matters? I was the one who messed up is it not my job to try and fix it?

[gamon]

You already let her know how you feel.

She got it.

Now it's about how SHE feels.

 

[Andrina]

As Dr. Phil says, the best predictor of future behavior is recent past behavior. You easily dumped her once, and if she was my friend, I'd tell her, "He's likely to do it again once the newness of the rekindled relationship gets old."

I've never once taken a guy back. I figured if he cared enough, he would've worked on issues with me without bailing. Or if the issues couldn't be fixed with communication, then why would incompatibility change? No need to re-enter what shouldn't be.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Rob said:

she's not big on sharing emotions. I ended up panicking over it and breaking things off with her 

If you "panicked" and dumped her, why should she try to  "fix things"?

You seem to have poor boundaries and were pushing her too hard, smothering her to get some sort of reaction.

Try to address your anxiety. Dating is not therapy or social work. You're too focused on that.

You seem to be trying to change her and beat your agenda into her head.

Leave her alone. You come across as controlling. 

Stop pestering her. You dumped her and that was manipulative. Because now you want her to "fix it"?