Christmas from hell

[sosad2022]

hi everyone

I am hoping to get advice on a situation 

My husband had a traumatic childhood, lost his mom at early age to a drug overdose, and he struggles with mental health issues (bipolar disorder).

He takes meds for it. He's had substance abuse issues himself and it took everything in me to get him sober from cocaine.

He is a successful entrepreneur. 

Sometimes he becomes controlling when it comes to my time - and he nitpicks things I do, then turns them into an argument. For example, I woke up this morning, went upstairs to make coffee- and he was mad within 10 mins that I didn't send him a good morning message. I had no idea where he was in the house as he'd already gotten up. He gave me the silent treatment and then said he's not happy in our relationship (we are 3 months married), and he wants a divorce. 

I said we can get a divorce, but I felt sad that he interpreted my behavior as rejection, and because I knew he would regret this later, I tried to talk to him. 

We had a heart to heart conversation and he burst into tears, said he was feeling suicidal - and that nobody cared about him.

Apparently I did not ask him for a Christmas list. I spent like $700 on his gifts this year- it included a bicycle that he wanted, and I got him a herb garden (since he likes gardening), his expensive cologne, an ice cream machine and a heated self-massaging mat (that turned out to be a terrible gift, but he likes massages so you know... I tried). 

He was upset about Christmas, because I didn't ask him for a wish list - apparently he wanted a Lamborghini T-shirt. Maybe I should have asked him, but I ordered some of the gifts on black Friday sale and I just wasn't thinking that he'd hate them this much.

The last week he's also had jealousy issues when I was running late from my chiropractor, he's been visibly upset, overdoing cannabis smoking, and he's even called me names like "***, hoe" He feels injured by me.  I know it's somewhat abusive, but I was hoping for some advice. Getting out of this relationship is incredibly difficult for me now with my money situation / and lack of family support. I just don't feel like telling my friends how I've been living, cause my first husband was abusive and they have already been through that.. I feel lots of shame. If anybody has anything to say, I'd appreciate it. thank you so much!

 

[gamon]

Well, it's unlikely he's going to change so if you cannot divorce him right now due to finances you're going to have to wait it out.

Play the long game, start putting money aside and look into where you can possibly go. Maybe even do a house share with roommates or something like that.

Meanwhile don't react to his outbursts, that's his issue, don't make it yours.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sosad2022 said:

we are 3 months married and he wants a divorce. I said we can get a divorce

Sorry this is happening. He's abusive and a drug addict. Privately and confidentially go to your physician for an evaluation of your mental and physical health. Be honest about the abuse and his drug use.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do Not Tell Him.

Confide in trusted friends and family about the abuse, outrageous behavior, victim attitude(common in abuse) and assistance extricating yourself from this.

Most importantly privately and confidentially consult an attorney about your options in divorce or a possible annulment.

Do Not Tell Him or mention or threaten divorce. Just do it to extricate yourself from a lifetime of misery. 

Dating and marriage is not social work or a detox/rehab center. 

The sine qua non of abusive relationship is there are always "issues". Like the Lamborghini T-shirt nonsense, to keep you focused on nonsense and eat your brain with that stuff. It's like whac-a-mole of little "issues".

[sosad2022]

thanks everyone

as expected, he said this morning that he "felt sad" and "wanted to apologize for his behavior" and he said "he loves me so much" 

problem is that cannabis is legal, so I am having a hard time explaining that even that can have effects on his mental health... there are obviously big issues there, but I notice these paranoid behaviors mostly with the smoking of it 

I know I have to get out but I am really struggling with shame. It's gotten to a point where I am thinking of moving to another state and not even telling friends or family. I feel incredibly scared for me and my doggie, and I am beating myself up for my decisions.