Trying to find closure, but still holding on to hope

[mh9]

I am a college-age student that was dating a girl a year younger than me. We had been dating since mid-September and everything seemed fine. Our relationship wasn't perfect of course but I thought we were managing obstacles well and we had quite a few deep, tough conversations that I was happy we were able to talk freely about. Thanksgiving rolls along and while we weren't able to see each other since our hometowns are quite far, we still expressed our thankfulness for each other. The next week we go on a few dates and while she seems stressed about schoolwork, I just figure it is because it is near the end of the semester. Then on the Thursday after Thanksgiving break she texts me saying she has a lot going on right now and it's just overwhelming her, she didn't want to talk about it but just needed space. I told her I understood. On Friday, I showed how much of a fool I was by deciding to show up unannounced at her favorite study spot on campus. I should've checked with her first, but I intended to study at the library anyway. She let me sit with her but I could tell she was in a bad mood. Later that night she texts me saying we have to talk. We start talking and I take the opportunity to apologize for showing up like that earlier on in the day. She said it wasn't an issue and she was just super stressed, and not just about school. She found out over break that her dad was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't quite know how to respond but I let her know I'd be there for her. After a bit more of talking it made it pretty clear to me that she was breaking up with me. She eventually said "I think we need to do a sort of a break up kind of thing". It hurt, and I could've reacted better. I didn't throw a full blown tantrum but she could tell I was mad. She said it wasn't anything I had done. But I just felt helpless. I had so many questions but just didn't know how to word them. She said if I had questions in the future she'd try to answer them as best as she could. I, of course, asked if there was any chance of us getting back together when she feels she is ready and she made it sound she would be willing to try. I also asked where she was with God, and it sounded like she was struggling a bit. I encouraged her to keep going to the church we had been going to because she seemed to really like it, but I knew it would be hard if I was there. We say goodbye, and I do everything I can not to hurt myself the next few days. I start writing my thoughts in a letter that whether I sent it to her or not, made me feel better. It basically said that I was trying to be as understanding as I could, and I would be here for her when she is ready.

After a few days, she adds two songs to a playlist that she shared with me called "all the things I can't quite seem to say to you". The two songs she added were called "I Love You, but I Need Another Year" and "See you (in ten years)". I really thought that was her way of communicating with me since she knew I liked music so much. It gave me a lot of hope that if I was just patient and gave her space, she would reach out again. I decided to do something similar with my playlist to her and included a link to the letter that I had written her. I tried to keep it encouraging. I let her know it hurt, but I'd rather she figure this stuff out then let it ruin her. I included some quotes by Henri Nouwen on love, and a few Bible verses. Finally I wrote a PS saying I intend to reach out a few days before the end of winter break to arrange an in-person talk. I told her that if she felt she wasn't ready, to just let me know. I figured that maybe since the semester was over, and she was able to be with family again, maybe she'd feel better to talk.

Fast forward a few weeks and it's winter break. We had gotten through finals and all that stressful stuff. It was still tempting for me to reach out even before my initial letter even said, but I just had to be patient. I'll be honest, I didn't know if she had even seen the letter yet, but I just had to trust that she would at the right time. Well, on Sunday of this week she found the letter and texted me saying that she thinks it would be best if we didn't meet in person. She said she'd be willing to answer questions over text but that she is trying to forget the week after Thanksgiving, and suggested that I do the same. She said she is just trying to move on. She felt it wouldn't be right for her to show up in my life unannounced whenever she felt like it. Obviously I was not encouraged to see this. I didn't understand why it had to be this way. What went wrong? Was I just not good enough? I texted her asking why she felt she couldn't give us another chance even if it means waiting awhile longer. She replied saying that one of her "rules of dating" is that you can't get back together with someone. I'll be honest, it sounded childish. I was infuriated, I didn't feel like that was the full answer. She said that she didn't want to have to be so blunt about it, but that was the reason. I asked her about the songs that made it seem like she was still interested but just needed some time. She said those were more for her benefit, to make her feel better. I felt like that wasn't the full truth. I then asked her why she felt she needed to split in the first place. She said she felt she was losing control over her life, and she was afraid that she was going to spiral out of control. I don't know if she was trying to protect me from herself or if losing me was one way she felt she could gain control, but it hurt regardless. My next question was kind of stupid, and I regret it partially, but I asked her how she was doing now, and if she was able to reach out to anyone for help. She did not like that. She texted back saying "I'm fine I haven't needed any help. I haven't needed to ask for any help". And that was it. I told her that that was all the questions I had. I said I'd always be here and left it at that. No response. I still had many questions, but she was trying so hard to push me away. I feel she was responding like that so that I would get angry and just forget about her. I checked social media and she removed me from all of it. I'm angry at social media. For encouraging people to put up this facade as if everything is fine.

I don't know what to believe anymore. It hurts when people make it known that they are trying to forget you, and you are doing everything you can to remind them that you care. I just don't know what went wrong. I've been wrestling with God about it, in all honesty. Asking why he would let this happen. Why he would take this away when I was so happy. I don't know what plans he has. I'm learning about patience but each morning it feels like I'm repeating the day before. I wake up, think too much about the relationship, plead with God, then try and get through the rest of the day. I keep repeating the events of our break up over and over again. Trying to pinpoint the issue. I'm left wondering why the week before Thanksgiving we were able to have wonderful and deep conversations, and write letters to each other saying we'll miss them over break, to two weeks later saying that they don't want us anymore. I understand I have a lot to learn about love, and faith, and trust. I guess I was just hoping I'd learn all of that when I'm with her. My parents have been very supportive of me, and I appreciate them. They aren't trying to give me false hope, they are hoping one way or another that I can move on, but they also feel like something just isn't adding up. I worry for her, but she won't listen to me. It's tempting to reach out to her friends to see what they think. I'll admit some of it would be for my own edification to get answers, so I'm trying to wait till I know for sure if it is the right move. I just don't see why she is trying so hard to push me away. Maybe it's me who is making the breakup so ugly, but I almost feel like I have to in order to move on. I still have some hope. I know that I'll get through this with or without her. I don't know how long it will take, but it will happen. I'm just afraid that this will negatively impact my future relationships. I feel like I've been stabbed, the knife has been twisted, and the scar will never heal. I feel almost unfair blaming anything on her. It sounds like she really is going through a lot. A lot that she didn't ask for. Maybe this was her one way of keeping control, but it just doesn't sit right. I'm just not ready to give up on her. I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive her or not. Or if making it known to her that I forgive her would solve anything or just make her more angry by making it seem like this was her fault. I hate how I can only share my half of this story. I wish I could know more, but I guess it just isn't the right time.

My next plan of action is to get some counseling, and maybe see if I can get a mild anti-depressant. I recognize that even before we started dating, I had some self-worth issues. We both had (or have) self-worth issues. I remember we both expressed that we didn't feel like we were good enough for each other. I tried to reassure her, and she tried to reassure me. I guess it didn't work. To the outsider it may seem there were several things wrong with this relationship. Maybe I placed too much value in it. Maybe we both had issues we should've cleared up before entering into a relationship. Maybe I was too co-dependent, thinking we could solve each others problems. But I just struggle knowing that regardless of the growth we will find in this season, she just wants to give everything up. I know she had been going to therapy. Sometime in late October she told me she was starting therapy. I was happy for her to be getting help. For all I know her therapist may have suggested the breakup. I can't assign blame on things I don't know for certain.

Every morning is greeted with a new nagging voice telling me to reach out. It's so tempting. I'm sure she's blocked my number, but that can't prevent me from reaching out to her friends. I can't reach out. It isn't fair to her, and it isn't right. I do pray that someday God will allow us to bump into each other at just the right time, so that we can finally get the closure that I want. I don't want her to become bitter about relationships, but at the same time I don't want to become bitter about relationships. She was only my second girlfriend, I was only her second boyfriend. The odds were against us, but I can still reassure myself that I gave it everything I could and was committed to staying committed. Maybe that scared her.

Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading through this.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, mjh9 said:

She found out over break that her dad was diagnosed with cancer.

I didn't throw a full blown tantrum but she could tell I was mad.

You need to accept that she is dealing with stress right now. Throwing tantrums, interrogating her, crowding her sending letters, pressuring her, etc. is not empathetic and all about you.

Leave her alone. She will tell her trusted friends and family what you're doing so stop sending unwanted communication, etc. You don't want her family filing a restraining order against you.

 Learn from this to control your emotions and ego better. If someone doesn't feel it or is honest and tells you they can't handle a relationship, back off and move forward.

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, mjh9 said:

She said she is just trying to move on. She felt it wouldn't be right for her to show up in my life unannounced whenever she felt like it. Obviously I was not encouraged to see this. I didn't understand why it had to be this way. What went wrong? Was I just not good enough? I texted her asking why she felt she couldn't give us another chance even if it means waiting awhile longer. She replied saying that one of her "rules of dating" is that you can't get back together with someone. I'll be honest, it sounded childish. I was infuriated,

All you are doing is ticking her off. She has tried in so many ways to let you down easy - but YOU won't take it.

Now you're just pushing it too far and her. You need to stop.

 

13 hours ago, mjh9 said:

I then asked her why she felt she needed to split in the first place. She said she felt she was losing control over her life, and she was afraid that she was going to spiral out of control. I don't know if she was trying to protect me from herself or if losing me was one way she felt she could gain control, but it hurt regardless. My next question was kind of stupid, and I regret it partially, but I asked her how she was doing now, and if she was able to reach out to anyone for help. She did not like that. She texted back saying "I'm fine I haven't needed any help. I haven't needed to ask for any help". And that was it. I told her that that was all the questions I had. I said I'd always be here and left it at that. No response.

Okay, this is not all about you.  But you won't take the hint.

She is struggling and has nothing to 'give' at this time.

I'm sorry but how I see this is you became way too clingy. You've been continously in her face about the world and she's been under nothing but pressure.

You two were only involved a few months, that's it.  Was no chance in truly letting a real relationship build and improve.  It basically failed before it even got started.

Now, seriously, leave her alone.  Respect her wishes.

13 hours ago, mjh9 said:

I worry for her, but she won't listen to me. It's tempting to reach out to her friends to see what they think. I'll admit some of it would be for my own edification to get answers, so I'm trying to wait till I know for sure if it is the right move. I just don't see why she is trying so hard to push me away. Maybe it's me who is making the breakup so ugly, but I almost feel like I have to in order to move on.

Okay, this you don't do!  Leave her friends alone.

Yes, it is you.

Fine if you want to write to 'vent it out', journaling is good.  But, do not send.  Just write all you want to say.. and leave it there.

 

You let her continue on with her therapy and do not bother her anymore.. it's all too much.

You focus on yourself and work on accepting and letting go.  And yes, keep on with your own therapy and explain some of this stuff to them ( anger, clingy behaviour over a relationship ending).  Some things you do need to work through- before you can succeed with a relationship ( possibly).