Trust Issues

[Ghcst]

I’m not too sure if I’m being paranoid.

I’ve been dating a girl who’s bisexual and I’ve never personally considered myself as bisexual, but I am heads over heels in love with her. Probably would never feel this way about any other girl. 
Still not too sure what to label myself as.
 

We have been dating for 5 years. However, it is a long distance relationship. I feel like she is very codependent on me and she has claimed this as well. I don’t believe she is attracted to me even though she claims she does, but she will often butter me up to make me feel better about things. (Which obviously I don’t blame her for, it’s something you’re practically supposed to do) 

 

I’m somewhat of an introvert and I primarily prioritize my education over friends. She’s practically my only friend and the only person I communicate with. She’s the opposite.  However, she’s currently room mates with a girl she’s very close to and obviously I have no issues with that as she’s more than free to do whatever she’d like to as it’s her own choice. We typically never really have arguments, but she got really defensive over this room mate when I had made a light hearted joke. She proceeded to call me a b**** and honestly, in all of our years of dating, she had never used profanity towards me in an argumentative manner like that. Nonetheless, I was very weirded out by it. 

 

They spend a lot of time together and they both rely on each other to get to places, they go to family dinners together, and they plan on getting pets with each other. That friend will also comment things like “what a hottie 🥵” on her post, I guess it’s normal but I was still weirded out by it.

 

She’s been very distant, doesn’t text me as much, and whenever she does text me, it’s in regards to this room mate. She rarely calls me any more and hangs up whenever this room mate is near her. I was talking to her on the phone and as soon as this room mate entered the room, the friend asked who are you talking to, and my girlfriend responded with “a friend” and proceeded to have a conversation with her while I was on mute for five minutes. When I texted her this, I meant it jokingly but I was hurt about it because she was out about being bisexual with other friends. She then texted me and told me she wanted me to hang up. So I did. I texted her and said “seriously, a friend??” And she had no response towards it. 

 

Should I be worried about this or am I just overly anxious? 

 

As I’ve claimed before, she claims she loves me and is attracted to me but I see it more of something platonic from her side. I don’t think she wants to be romantically with me. I see it as more of a “I have never dated anyone but you for five years so I’ll settle until I find someone better”. Obviously I adore her with all of my heart but if I am being paranoid, I’m assuming I need to get a better grip on my own life and start making friends so I don’t feel as weirded out when things like this happen. Anyone is free to make any suggestions, thanks in advance!

 

I’m so sorry if there are any grammatical mistakes at all.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Ghcst said:

I see it as more of a “I have never dated anyone but you for five years so I’ll settle until I find someone better”.

I hate to say it, but I believe you are right. 

She is lying about who she's talking to when she's talking to you, and is dismissive and disrespectful. Those are big red flags. 

So while I agree that you do need to develop your own social circle and life apart from her, I disagree that it will help you be less "weirded out" by her behaviour. It's concerning in and of itself, and it has nothing to do with you having other friends or not. She sounds resentful and like she's mostly lost interest in you. 

How often do you two see each other in person? Has it always been long-distance?

[Ghcst]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I hate to say it, but I believe you are right. 

She is lying about who she's talking to when she's talking to you, and is dismissive and disrespectful. Those are big red flags. 

So while I agree that you do need to develop your own social circle and life apart from her, I disagree that it will help you be less "weirded out" by her behaviour. It's concerning in and of itself, and it has nothing to do with you having other friends or not. She sounds resentful and like she's mostly lost interest in you. 

How often do you two see each other in person? Has it always been long-distance?

We have never met in person, however we do plan on meeting soon (within the coming months) because we both attend colleges very close to one another. We have the same major (animal science), but the room mate also has the same major. We pretty much planned out our whole life out together and planned to do pretty much everything together. But as a result of her recent behavior, I have been feeling very hesitant and insecure about it. Thank you so much for your input on this matter! 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Ghcst said:

We have never met in person

Oh, dear. 

I was worried about that. I am going to be blunt and I don't mean to be unkind, but this is not a real relationship if you have never even met. And this has been going on for 5 years? That is way, way too long. Why haven't you met after all this time?

It was a big mistake to plan your whole life together when you've never spent any time together in person. 

 

[Ghcst]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Oh, dear. 

I was worried about that. I am going to be blunt and I don't mean to be unkind, but this is not a real relationship if you have never even met. And this has been going on for 5 years? That is way, way too long. Why haven't you met after all this time?

 

 

We were teenagers when we met and we lived pretty far away from each other so we never had the opportunity to meet and her parents are very strict, so that was yet another obstacle we dealt with. Now the circumstances have changed as we both have our own apartments and are within 2 hours distance of each other. I understand what you mean completely and I don’t take any offense from it. 🙂

[MissCanuck]

Even still, it is not healthy to make grand future plans without ever having dated in person. Or commit to someone you cannot meet in person. 

It is also surely a factor in the problem here: she doesn't really consider you her partner, at the end of the day. You're someone she's talked to online for 5 years, but the novelty has worn off for her. She is exploring the possibility of real a relationship with someone right in front of her. The fact that you're now just 2 hours apart, live on your own and still haven't met says it all, unforunately. 

I think it's time to walk away from this. In the future, try to meet girls locally. This sort of cyber romance almost never pans out in real life, because it's largely built on fantasy. You both sound very young now, but when you're older and more experienced, you will see why this was not the stuff a relationship is made of. Unplug and work on enriching your life offline, and connecting with people around you. It will be so much more rewarding and fulfilling than a nebulous digital romance. 

[Ghcst]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Even still, it is not healthy to make grand future plans without ever having dated in person. Or commit to someone you cannot meet in person. 

It is also surely a factor in the problem here: she doesn't really consider you her partner, at the end of the day. You're someone she's talked to online for 5 years, but the novelty has worn off for her. She is exploring the possibility of real a relationship with someone right in front of her. 

I think it's time to walk away from this. In the future, try to meet girls locally. This sort of cyber romance almost never pans out in real life, because it's largely built on fantasy. You both sound very young now, but when you're older and more experienced, you will see why this was not the stuff a relationship is made of. Unplug and work on enriching your life offline, and connecting with people around you. It will be so much more rewarding and fulfilling than a nebulous digital romance. 

Alright, thank you so much for your advice once again! I was planning on meeting with her to see if it was worth it as we’re both adults now, and I’ve asked her to be truthful about how she feels. She’s always told me she wants it work, but I guess I was blind. I’m assuming it would be better to just completely cut her off and move on with my life as it would be beneficial for the both of us. I seriously appreciate you taking the time of your day to advise me on this. Have a great day!

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Ghcst said:

Alright, thank you so much for your advice once again! I was planning on meeting with her to see if it was worth it as we’re both adults now, and I’ve asked her to be truthful about how she feels. She’s always told me she wants it work, but I guess I was blind. I’m assuming it would be better to just completely cut her off and move on with my life as it would be beneficial for the both of us. I seriously appreciate you taking the time of your day to advise me on this. Have a great day!

Asking someone to be truthful like that is only cornering someone and forcing them into a corner. The likelihood you'll get someone to pay you lip service (tell untruths or lies) is high and this way of going about this just isn't reliable. She may even lash out at you or tell you off. Never do that. If you have your doubts, trust your instincts. Move on. This was not a relationship and she is not your girlfriend as you've not met before unfortunately. 

You can still meet each other for the first time but keep it light and meet for coffee. Don't make it too intense or serious as it'll scare people off. 

[Sonneblom]

I agree with all the advice that you've gotten so far. I think you need to let go of her as it seems like you are not getting much out of this relationship to allow yourself to explore and eventually find someone more deserving of you. I know it will be hard and daunting, but you've nothing to lose and keeping yourself tethered to her will only hold you back and waste even more of your time. I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope, you meet someone better.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Ghcst said:

 she got really defensive over this room mate when I had made a light hearted joke. She proceeded to call me a b**** 

Are you in the closet? Why can't you date local men or women?

You've gone down a dark rabbit hole with this obsession with her. She's a horrible person.

Try to round out your life more with friends, family interests, school hobbies work volunteering etc.

Join some LGBT groups if you are unsure of your sexuality.

More importantly see a physician for an evaluation of depression anxiety and overall physical and mental health.

Get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support, particularly since you claim you're not sure about too much in your life.