My Father is seeking an affair he's been caught what to do?

[lexiblue]

My Father has been caught, by my younger brother talking to a woman on the phone.

The 1st time he heard our dad telling this women he wanted to kiss her and hold her. That she has been his love for the past 4 years. He then heard 3 other conversation that stated similar things. The last time he heard dad making plans to meet this women in a couple of weeks. Our dad also states to this women that no one is faintly aware of there situation.

 

Now, I am the oldest and I had different mother but this mother has raised me for most of my life and I love her dearly. My real mother died at my birth. The brother that heard the conversation is 2nd oldest. This is his birth mother. He had to move home for the time being. We have 2 younger brothers. Our age's range 34-22 all of us agree that if dad no longer loves mom he should leave her. They have been married 31 years. His deceit is tearing our hearts out, mostly because he has been suffering from depression and a mid-life for the past 4 years. My father is not very stable he is 56 years old however, his emotional age is 17. The family has been stressed by this mostly because we walk on eggshells with him. My father is also a compulsive liar, too many things to go into detail about. Our mother is a bit old fashion she was raised in a catholic house with a family that never talked about their problems. She does everything for dad. It kind of makes me sick. He is loud and boisterous she is quite and introverted. I do see she is strong but I don't know how she will take this. We all fear telling her because we don't want to see her hurt. On the other hand she deserves to know. She has told me, "now that the youngest is out of the house I can do things for myself."

 

There is so much I could go into about the things that have taken place in the past 4 years but… it would be a novel. I just want to ask, do we tell mom. What are we to do? My dad has been in & out of therapy. He has done many things to see that they don't do couple therapy even though it has been the advice of the therapist. We are all very angry with our dad and for many reasons. I personally have tried to accept what he is and just keep the past in the past but this I cannot deal with. Please, anyone?

[BrandonBo]

first confront ur dad about it ok and talk to him u should tlak to ur dad often it seems he doesnt feel loved in this state and maybe goin and looking for it talk to him bout this and tell him u love him but dont agree with this and then tell ur "mother" and tell her u love her and dont think that ur dad is right in doin this but is doin becuz he feels he needs more love if i caught my dad doin this i would tell my mom but my parents divorced cuz my mom had a affair so i see where ur comin from i think that maybe ur parents should go to family therapy and learn to comunicate more ok i think this will work out in the end cuz the problem isnt to hard to fix

[Heretic]

Well since the affair has yet to begin I think the best thing to do is talk to your Dad. Try to figure things out. Tell him he's not doing the right thing keeping this from everyone as it effects you all as a family. Hopefully he'll discuss things with you and figure out what he wants. If he does no longer love your Mother that's something you and she have to deal with.

 

I hope he realizes this is a mistake or that your Mother takes it well.

 

BTW to clarify do not have your Mother present when you talk to your Dad. Take him out for coffee or something like that.

 

I hope this helps.

[lexiblue]

My brother wanted to confront my dad the next time he hears him talking to her. We do agree that we would talk to our dad first and not with our mother. We want to tell him that he needs tells her or we tell her.

he needs to stop and get couple therapy.

 

I would love to beale to tell him I love him however, that is not an easy task for any of us. See, we are all emtionally shut down and a lot of it has to do with him. We have never been that kind of family. We hug & kiss when we see each other but thats how we express it. I have no problem telling my aunt and my boyfriend that I love them. I was also able to tell my grandma That I loved her with no problem but thats it. This are the people I feel most comfortable in life with.

[segagirl]

ok...assuming he is not physically aggressive, confront him at once. Now when doing so I hate to tell you, but do so without judgement. Simply let him know what you heard and that you expect he will do the right thing.

this is not a situation where you will help by making his actions be based on guilt. If you do this, he will more than likley revert to the behavior but just more carefully.

Also be sure there is some sort of agreement that mom does not find out that you already knew. Mom will feel such guilt and shame that you knowing may really hurt her. She is free to do what she wants with the information. In fact she may no react at all, and pressure from you will not really help her either.

the reality is, its thier marriage. Your involment as adult children should play no further than simply telling him you know.

Sorry to hear the story, and show everyday support to your mom by telling her about all the things she can do and encourage her to be the women she wants to be...

[lexiblue]

I do agree that confronting with out judgment is the key. However, my dad is a compulsive liar he will bold face deny it. He will put on his "I need to be hospitalized I'm nuts" act. He is very dramatic. No, he is not physically aggressive but he is very manipulative. I have never had a problem telling my dad off or telling him what I think about things and he ends up not talking to me for a long time and tries to make it seem like your fault. Like I said his emotional age is 17.

 

I also agree that as adults my brothers and I have really no business in my parents' marriage. We would support any decision that they made for themselves as individuals or as a couple. It is not my feelings I am concern with, it is our mothers who has been living with him all these years they way he is. Her mental and physical health is at stake. She has always been a thin women but she has become practically nothing. Yes, I realize that she makes her decision to stay in this we are all responsible for our own feeling and outcomes no matter what you did or didn't do to deserve it.

 

I know as women my self growing up in a different generation, choosing not to marry at a young age, growing from relationship issues I would not put up with this. I would want to know. I would know I deserved better. I am in my 4th serious relationship. All lasting at least 5 years and dated people in-between but not jumping from relationship to relationship. I am different in my views and my ideals than my mother. I do respect where she comes from and I realize how different we are from each other So, I guess I want to treat this very delicately

 

I want to thank you all for your advise it has helped me see sort out my thoughts any other advice is welcomed!

[lexiblue]

whats wrong with the using the word manipulative?