Learning to be happy on your own - Need Advice Please

[nickb]

Hi All,

 

I've been in a relationship for about 2 years now. Can definitely say that the honeymoon phase is over. The communication between us sucks...its one sided. I communicate everything, and the emotional one, and he's just along for the ride. Doesn't contribute anything to the relationship but himself. Doesn't ever do anything to make me feel special or loved other than the words 'I Love You', which when not combined with anything else are meaningless.

 

All he ever wants me to do is change to what he wants. I can't honestly look down the road and see myself being happy in the future...if this is as good as it gets...I'm not sure how much longer I can be happy at all. I've spent two years doing everything to make him happy, going really far out of my way. Does he ever do that for me...never. Maybe on a birthday, but that's it.

 

The only thing that is good is the sex. The sex is amazing, great, wonderful. The communication sucks, the trust is okay, but you can't build a relationship on sex. He rarely thinks or calls me unless he has to.

 

He's gone home for the summer, about an hour away. We only see each other every few weeks.

 

We've had some amazing and great times together, but only a string of them. It makes me cry thinking about giving him up because I think on all the good times and think about where we COULD go. I put everything into making this relationship work, and he does nothing.

 

I need to learn to be happy on my own, without him, because I don't see this relationship in all reality lasting much longer. He wants something convenient, I want something deep and real.

 

I've told him all of this, and yet he's the same person. I realize I can't change him, but I want him to do more in our relationship. He has the potential to be the best lover in the world, but more often than not, leaves me disappointed and sad.

 

How do you let go of something that hurts so much, that you think back and have some great memories of...and HOW DO YOU LET GO, WHEN YOU KNOW THAT NOBODY WILL EVER AND I MEAN EVER TREAT THAT PERSON AS GOOD AS YOU HAVE?

 

Right now I'm crying and can't type anymore, because it hurts too much.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[Flora]

Change is scary...it's confusing, it's lonely, and it sucks...but you adjust. It's a natural process that is terrifying to think about when you are comfortable in so many ways, but your soul is miserable. Far too often we hold our soul hostage because we fear "what's next. If you are not happy and you have tried to remedy the problems you are having between you and your boyfriend with no avail, your best option would be to exit the relationship. Have you mentioned to him that you have contemplated ending things? I wonder what his reaction was? I promise you that if you do make the decision to end things you will suffer for a little bit, but eventually you will heal, and one day you will look in the mirror and smile. You'll smile because your soul is free. You'll take on the day with a new level of clarity. This clarity comes from the experience you've gained from having been in that relationship. This experience will teach you what you want...and more importantly not to settle for anything less than what you deserve. You know that Kelly Clarkson song..."since you've been gone." I don't really dig her too much, but I love that song. It sums up the feeling I'm describing. Best of luck to you.

[badburnz]

First off thanks for your advice.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds similar to my recent breakup. One of the ways I've been dealing with life on my own has been to get drunk and break into peoples houses.

This is not a good thing, of course. A far healthier way to squash the pain I've found is to indulge in all the things I couldn't do when we were together, like playing all the music she couldn't stand at obscene volume and clipping my toenails in bed.

I've been focussing on all the good points of being single. Noone to be responsible for, being able to come and go as you please.

Like you, I felt I put alot into the relationship and really felt I wasn't getting anything back.

I've actually come to look at the breakup as a relief, because you don't actually realise how draining it is to be constantly giving and getting nothing in return until you don't have to do so anymore.

I don't focus on the bad bits too much because it's not worth building up hatred toward another person. When I think about the good bits I do get fairly emotional but it passes.

The fact that you can leave the relationship and know that you treated them really well should be something you are proud of, because what really sucks is when you let things go to the point where you start treating them badly and wind up full of guilt.

 

In the end, remember also that time heals all wounds.

[melrich]

If you really feel there may still be some potential for this relationship, try giving him an ultimatum. Let him know what you want from a relationship and tell him if he is not willing to participate you are going to end things.

 

Of course if you are going to do this you have to be willing to follow through.

 

He will either respond by trying to fulfill your needs or he'll walk away. If he chooses the latter it was never going to work anyway.

[bexjames]

If this is the way you are feeling right now, then you need to do something positive right now, for yourself!

 

I have only just realized how unhealthy my relationship has been (5yrs together, last 2 really really hard), but by holding on to what we had and trying to get things out of him that just aren't there to give, has only ended up destroying my soul! I stupily thought that I was giving 110% to our relationship, until about 6 months ago when I did something really stupid.....the longer you leave these things to dwell, the more you will end up resenting him and despising him for any small thing that he does or doesn't do!

 

I think if you treated him as well as you say, then one day he will relise that for himself without you having to push the point

If he doesn't realise, then thats not you problem and you should start to put the effort into treating yourself well for a change...

 

Take care X

[sandela]

I can't tell you how much I know what you're going through. I have my story under "He Dumped Me" so I know the pain you're feeling. All that you've described about him be so unemotional and distant and knowing that you shouldn't be in this relationship because you can't see yourself dealing with this years from now...It was the same way I thought before breaking up. I did everyhting I could to be the ONE. Although it wasn't me who did the break up - it was him - doesn't feel any better either...I'm going the premise that my friends are saying "its a blessing in disguise". What saddens me is that our birthdays are coming up and I have dreaming about how we'd spend it together and it would be romantic, etc. Well not only is he on the Corporate Challenge Team - its the same day as my birthday - he won't be with me to share my "dream". Aside from that now we are broken up I will be extrremely sad and devestated that we didn't get to share our birthdays together. I will feel extreme loneliness and heart ache probably more than now. I guess I am one of those crazy people who thinks her birthday is a special day just as I think anyone's' birthday is special and I would do anything to make it special for them.