Broken up for the 2nd time

[martyj]

The first time me and my ex broke up it was last November. The relationship was poor due to my heaving drinking and lashing out with cruel text messages when drunk.

 

Between Nov-Jan i stopped drinking and sought advice the AA, Counselling for self esteem etc and set about building my confidence but with one eye always on the ex.

 

In Feb we got back together on the proviso that i stayed off the drink, i had admitted to myself, friends and family that i had a problem so knew that i had to keep it up for my own self belief and respect.

 

Things had been great, we were closer than ever and getting along real fine and last week agreed to meet up in December on her travels which begin in August. It felt good that she wanted me to come and meet her.

 

Anyway for some strange reason i decided that it was ok to drink twice last week and although i didnt hide it or anything, during the thing i sent texts containing nasty words hence the break up again.

 

I totally understand why and had a meeting today to give stuff back and it was hard as it is obvious that we love each other but, well she has the strength to say no and that she has to have self respect.

 

She said that she loves me which i know to be true but, she cant be wating for the next time. It hurts me to think that i threw away a good thing and know its not a case of her not caring and the things i said were actually a reflection of myself and how i feel about myself.

 

The advice i am looking for here is how to move myself on. I have drank twice in the last 6 months which is better than everyday but, due to that i have driven away the woman i love.

 

I intend to continue AA and stuff and know that i can contact ex anytime but, feel that it might be best to leave her alone and move on. I hate the fact that i know she is hurting bad but feels she has to do this for her own esteem rather than something she wants to do.

 

I think we could've made it if i hadnt fallen off the wagon but, i want to get my head into the place of we are over and there is no going back to take her words at face value and not do any second guessing.

 

Any words of wisdom???

[Falucchi]

From what I understand, AA strongly suggets that you avoid forming or beginning a new relationship for at least 12 months. That is, you should remain sober for a minumim of 12 months before considering yourself "able" to deal with a relationship.

 

I would agree that AA, with their experience and wisdom, has conclude that this is "safe" for everyone. I'd stay sober for 12 months and THEN contact the woman. (Talk is cheap- prove yourself)

 

You also say "for some strange reason i decided that it was ok to drink"-- you really must come to terms with the reason, rather than act as if some devine urge struck you. Take responsibility for that, as I'm sure you know AA will tell you the same.

 

I sincerely wish you all the best to remain clean & sober, and your should be very proud of your decision to do so. Keep up the good work, and good things will come to you.

[braves95]

I hope for the best for you-For about 3 1/2 years I had a gambling problem mainly b/c I was unhappy and depressed-I was in a relationship but it was going nowhere-I knew I didn't love her at all-when we mutually broke up I just gambled and drank more-I went to vegas 3 times once in 4 months and believe me, I don't make any money to do that. To make a long story short my gambling problem has put me in a large hole-I haven't bet since the fall but I am so in debt-My drinking gets the best of me from my current girlfriend(it's too long to re-type-I put it in the forum of Trust and Relationships-please read it and try to help me as well)

 

I get so enraged(99%) when I am hammered and really go off the deep end-I don't know what you put in the messages but I always seem to conjure up images up a past relationship where a girl cheated or lie to me and accuse mu current gf of doing the same...it's awful, but I just can't seem to stop it-it always happens when I drink, I really think she has had enough and this past Friday and a real blow up and I thought that was it-she hasn't spoken to me much the last two days. I don't know-It's got to get better for both of us, I do know that-I don't think it's really the alcohol though-For me I think it's that I guess I just don't watn to be hurt by her;not sure for you but I really hope we both get through it-

good luck and take care

[newts]

Hi Marty,

 

I think you should be really proud of yourself for admitting you have and drinking problem and doing something about. Most people who do have a drinking problem cannot admit the problem and will never go to the extremes that you have to make themselves better. I agree with Falucchi, they say it takes a year of being sober before you tackle a new or a past relationship.

 

My ex had a serious drinking problem where he would be fine on minute and violent the next, he would trash anything in his path. He luckily never physically abused me however, he was very verbally abusive and use to damage my property. His justification was, if I hadn't have destroyed that antique chair I may have turned on you. He gave up drinking on a few occasions, it only ever lasted a few weeks or maximum one month. We broke up because of his drinking, he was such a beautiful person when sober and turned into a monster when drunk. When we broke up I was out with some friends, he told me that morning I am so happy in my life without drinking. I got this feeling that he was also out after ssaying he was staying at his parents house as his uncle was up from down south, I sent him a message "your out drinking aren't you. He was, and that was it for me. I refused to call him after that, I said some pretty horrible things to him like go find soembody who will put up with your s#*t! And he did, 2 days later he was in another full time relationship and he told me I don't want to be with you anymore because you restrict my life too much. 7 weeks later he got engaged to this new girl. The point I am trying to make is that he isn't prepared to change, he thinks I have the problem not him and he obviously believes that by forming a new relationship it will make him better. One thing he said to me is that this new girl doesn't judge him, I said she doesn't know you! She does and she will never judge me. If you could have accepted me for who I am our relationship would be perfect.

 

I am not prepared to accept somebody in my life who believes that I am the problem and that abuse and drunkeness is acceptable behaviour. I still love him and miss him greatly and am extremely hurt by his irrational behaviour. I don't know if I could ever accept him back as the trust has been broken. I couldn't go through this hurt ever again (not that he seems to want me back anymore) As Falucchi said I'd stay sober for 12 months and THEN contact the woman. (Talk is cheap- prove yourself)

Maybe if his actions spoke louder than words I may reconsider.

 

Good luck, stay strong and sober. Don't do it for anybody else bar yourself.

[heloladies21]

Take care of your problem 1st until you feel like you have it under control for real. Only then will you be able to have any kind of relationship, with her or anyone else.

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, you've taken the right steps by #1 - admitting you have a drinking problem and #2 acknowledging that you caused upsetment within your relationship due to your drinking.

 

I know how your g/f must be feeling right now. I just left my alcoholic b/f. It's a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of habitual drinker - trust me. Honestly, I don't blame her for leaving. She's probably heard it all before and doesn't have the strength or the ability to trust you.

 

My ex got progressively worse as time went by. At first he was a quiet drunk, emotionally unavailable, but for the most part harmless. He then became emotionally and verbally abusive, eventually destroyed some of my property, shoved me off a bed and started going after my animals. I remember one night he was so cruel to me that I almost hit HIM... I was hysterical, sobbing, screaming because of his treatment of me.

 

So my advice is let her go. Why? Because we love ourselves too much to stay, it hurts too much to stay. Why on earth would we WANT to stay??? What do you do for us besides emotionally drain us??? Really? You're so upset right now because you KNOW it's your loss... and you want her back, but WHY??? You only hurt her, over and over again. Let her go, let her find peace, let her be loved by someone healthy. She deserves it after what she's been through. Continue with AA and fix yourself because you'll never be in a healthy relationship if you enter into it broken. Good luck...

[martyj]

thanks for the advice guys.

 

I know she is gone forever and knowing the type of person she is she will be hurt inside alot but reading what temperamental taurus said i agree.

 

I just need to work out things for myself and at least we are and will be on talking terms as i was never physically abusive or even ever threatening but slipping back on the drink even just twice in over 150 days lead me to be emotionally abusive through text message so god knows what they feels like to the one receiving it.

 

I know the things sent are really the way i feel about myself cos as the sober person which i did from Nov-last week i never had any of those thought processes but at the same time i know i had insecurities.

 

Yep she does deserve alot more and believe me even though it hurts that i lost i lost for a reason and i have to accept that she doesnt hate me or think i am a bad person but why should she put up with anything bad.

 

The worse thing or me is slipping off after going so long and i was a good partner whilst completely off the drink and the rest of my life was in order to.

 

My only worry is doing it all again along with mending my heart about her cos i ve gotta keep postive and to fall off after going so long and doing so much damage to my happiness and to someone i actually really do love is really painful.

 

Having been through a few bad relationships i know i lost a good thing and i know why i lost it, but she has said i have lost her for good and i know she loves me but i have to be strong and realise that she has to love herself too.

 

I really hope that one day we can be friends and meet but that wouldnt be until at least next year anyway. I think my point is that it would be good to have a last memory of a vibrant happy person.

 

I dont want to continue to drive away good people cos i am one myself everyone that knows me says the same thing i am a good guy i suppose thats why i got a second chance but maybe one day i will look back on this and see it as a turning point of my life as if she continued well i may have subconsciously though it was ok to pretend i was really 100% healthy and stable.

 

Marty J