Friend in Need of some advice

[shorty20]

Ok, so this post is more for me to get advice to tell my friend. We've been really good friends, and she's going through some tough times and needs some advice, but I'm not sure what to say to her. She's been dating her boyfriend for just under a year. They live together, and he has a 7-year-old daughter with his ex-girlfriend. She stays with my friend and him every other weekend. His ex whom he has a kid with, also has a son from a previous marriage. My friend's boyfriend grew really close to this kid when he tried to get back with his ex over a year ago, but things didn't work out. Here's the problem... my friend has some insecurity issues. I admit that but don't know how to get it accross to her without making her angry. She is getting fed up, because she says that they can keep his daughter for the weekend, but she dosen't see why they have to take the son since he's not technically his. She gets really upset when it comes to her boyfriend talking to his ex, but I think that it's a necessary thing since they do have a kid together. I just don't really know what to tell her anymore. His ex always asks them to take both kids so she can go out and party, and her boyfriend will say yes without even consulting my friend! Also, he told my friend when they first started dating that after him and his ex broke up the first time, he dated another girl for 3 years, but then up and left her without so much as a goodbye to try to work things out with his ex when her marriage didn't work out... now my friend is constantly worrying that he's going to do the same to her, and I can't believe that he thought it was ok to tell her this! It was a stupid thing, on his part, to say to her, because now she can't think about anything else. Sometimes she'll get angry and tell him to just go back to his ex, but instead of saying "no, I love you. I want to be with you" he says "no, I tried that and it won't work" she just needs to be reassured of his love and he can't do that for her. Any advice on what to say to her?

[SeaBisquit]

i feel bad for your friend. because i think i would feel the same way. it sounds like he isn't ready to cut off all ties with his ex. his main concern should be with his daughter and that should be the only discussion that he is still having with her. your friend may be feeling like she is second choice and that if he could make things work out with his ex he would.

[shorty20]

so I understand her, but I also understand him. It's like she just wants him to erase this kid from his life. It may not be his son, but he's still attached to him, and still loves him all the same. I think that since my friend knew that he had a kid, she should have been aware of the sacrafices she would be having to take before moving in with this guy. He's 28 and she's 20... she's had to grow up alot and basically be a mom... but I just don't know what to tell her. She does alot, but also gets very jelouse when he wants some guy time. She starts to accuse him of cheating on her and blah blah blah... then says she only acts that way because she cares so much, but I think she's driving him away... I just don't know how to put that in terms where she won't get upset and defensive.

[Minty80]

She does have to understand that his kids (yes, both if he developed a bond with the child that is not technically his) should be and must be the #1 priority in his life. Even though his son is not technically his, the child doesn't think like that! Little kids don't care what paternity tests say, they care about who has been the one taking care of them and who has been the one involved in their lives.

 

I have two children from my marriage (now divorced) who are with me full-time during the week. My boyfriend 100% understands that he comes second to my children. It's the only way it can work. My kids are my kids and I am solely responsible for their wellbeing. Maybe try asking your friend how she would want him to treat the children if they were her's?

 

Also, really he doesn't have to and shouldn't have to consult her about taking HIS kids. Those children are in a position they didn't ask to be put into and their needs come first. If she can't accept that she shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place.

 

It was pretty insensitive that he would basically say he would leave her for his ex, but that issue needs to be kept separate from anything involving the children. Also from what you put in your other post it does sound like she's acting out of jealousy and that is going to push him away. The biggest part of a relationship is trust and if she doesn't have that in him then they have nothing.

[shorty20]

she's always been like that. She's very high maintenence and always needs reassuring that her boyfriend loves her, cares for her, etc. This is why I am not GREAT friends with her anymore. Her insecurities get in the way of any type of relationship she tries to have, whether it's with her best friend or her boyfriend. The only thing is the boy's father is still in his life as well. It's not like her bf replaced the boy's father... the father still spend time with the little boy... my friends bf is just attached to the little guy too... and i think she should deal with it if she loves her bf. It's part of trying to date a guy that has kids... but thats not what she wants to hear so she gets mad

[RooferGirl23]

I feel for your friend, its a very tough situation to be in. My fiance has 4 kids with his ex, and them talking is a "have to" when u have kids together, there is almost NO avoiding it. thats is a part of taking on a partner with prior children.

I had the SAME feelings when i first fell into my situation, and i have found out ,(this may not work in all cases but if its decent in hers, have her try) TALK TO THE EX. get HER feelings on HIM. I talked my guy's ex, and yea, there is a chance she could be pulling my chain, but she told me she would always love him for the fact that he is the father of her children, but the fire they had was gone, and she has happily moved on. Her and I became friends even, and I come to her for advice about the kids when i need it. It showed her (the ex) that i respect her as the kids mother.

and it totally helped with my feeeling insecure, which i did!! if he still has feeling for his ex, he needs to stop toying with your friend.

[Day_Walker]

Your friend has gotten herself into a situation that she cannot handle, she knows that she cant handle it but is so consumed by her insecurities that it ends up fueling her desire for me. At this point it seems that her situation has become nothing less than a game. I dont feel that you need to say anything, let her solve the problem herself. Hopefully she is smart enough to look at her own situation with some kind of objectivity and not get overwelhmed with emtiions.

[shorty20]

as an update, she called me crying from work today. Her boyfriend called her last night at 4 and said he was going out with the boys for a couple of beers. Then called at 7:30 to say he would be home soon. Didn't get home until 1:00. She was already in bed. He got into bed, told her the house looked nice ( since she'd spent the entire night cleaning) and that he was sorry he was late, said goodnight and that was the end of it. She found out the next day that his ex had called his phone at 11:00 the night before from his caller id, and asked if he'd been with her. He said you know I wouldn't do that to you. Also, she was trying to talk to the ex, but it seems that she's two faced. She's nice to my friend, but then will go behind her back to get to my friends boyfriend. Asking him for favors, to take the kids an extra day etc... when she knows my friend won't be around so she won't be there to have a say in it, so my friend just finally gave up. I know this is her problem but she dosen't have anyone else to go to for advice, and I feel it's my responsibility as a friend to try

[shorty20]

I also do admit that my friend can be a very hard person to live with... we were in cheerleading together at one point, and went to a camp for two weeks... I was about to kill her. I love the girl to death, but can't figure out how to get through to her how much of a pain she can be while still being tactfull and maintaining our friendship.

[smallworld]

I love the girl to death, but can't figure out how to get through to her how much of a pain she can be while still being tactfull and maintaining our friendship.

 

Hey Shorty, My condolences to you both. It's a tough situation. From my own experience, I've learned it's better to let high-maintenace friends say their piece, but then then ask them what they think they should do. Don't bother try solving their problems for them, because the more you try to help, the more these people feel like you just don't get how truly bad things are for them, and the louder they whine to feel heard. (For more info see books on how to deal with 'difficult people.')

 

Give her what empathy you can, but don't let her suck you into the whining game. Keep asking her questions that force her to realize that she's the one that's chosen to be in this situation and thereforeeee she's the one that has to put up or shut up (accept or reject its consequences). I know it's hard to bite your advice-giving lip, but it'll be better for you both if she learns how to 'problem solve' her own problems rather than constantly relying on you to be her garbage disposal.

[shorty20]

thanx alot smallworld! I will try that next time she calls needing an ear to listen... I'll do just that... listen. The thing is, when she is telling me about how frusterated she is, she asks me what she should do. When I say I don't know, she gets upset and is like " thats what EVERYONE says, I can't get advice from anyone!" But next time she's whining at me I'll just ask what SHE thinks she should do and just listen to her talk out her problems.... thanx for the advice all... you guys are great

[smallworld]

You're welcome Shorty! Good luck! 8)