Struggling

[The_Doc]

Thanks Hb

 

No he is a best buddy but he feels torn because he is alos good friends with her. When we were a couple WE did a hell of a lot for him when he went through a bad time.

 

I will see him next week and maybe quiz some more.

 

Why wouldn't he tell me its over?? I don't know. When I said "I was hoping for better news" he said --- "I can't really say much as I said"

 

Maybe she is having her own doubts but doesn't want to give me false hope and doesn't want to see me sitting around waiting for her in case she doesn't change her mind.. I don't know, how can you know.

 

I really, really want this one back Hb but I just feel so powerless, I have had several (live together) long term relationships before and this was the best ever. Everyone who knew us thought we were so good together.

 

Trouble is I don't want to push her away now but I am struggling with the daily grind of heartbreak and insecurity. It has I suppose only been 7 weeks which from other threads on this forum is not a long time really. especially when others say that it takes the dumper 3-6 months to realise what they have done.

 

A big thank you to all who have been helping me so far... your words have been a great comfort.

[h_b_k_02]

I will see him next week and maybe quiz some more.

 

I'd leave it. Don't want to piss him off.

 

Maybe she is having her own doubts but doesn't want to give me false hope and doesn't want to see me sitting around waiting for her in case she doesn't change her mind.. I don't know, how can you know.

You don't. Start "seeing" other people, but don't get committed again until you find one that you feel matches your ex. Eventually the 2 will be in balance and from their the new girl takes the lead and tada, you are over your ex.

 

especially when others say that it takes the dumper 3-6 months to realise what they have done.

 

Yes, IF this happens. 3-6 months, I'd say. Besides, if you guys got back together too soon, chances are it wouldn't last.

 

Dude, rent "Swingers" tonight and watch it.

 

"There is nothing you can do to bring her back. There are only things you can do to make her not want to come back".

[tman]

Dont know if this helps but I fall under the estimate given by hbk and under some of the advice given by Lars.

 

Last week my ex contacted me for money i owe her, ( Idon't know if this is the real reason though, I would like to think not), but this was after 6 months nc initiayted by myself, and definitely at a point when i was really getting over here and moving on with my life.

 

Yep its bloody hard at the start, but as i have said to others it sure does make you feel stronger, and put you in such a better state of mind to deal with things.

 

Good luck dude things do get better.

[The_Doc]

Heh All

 

Well I broke NC after 3 days with nothing more than a sad 'smiley'. She replied a few hours later asking me ho I was and how my trip to see my friend this weekend was going. My mate and I didn't get back til late so i replied late telling her that I had had a great time but that she was missed.

 

I got the read reciept but nothing in return. We haven't spoken for a week and ok 3 days is not a long time but it is the longest unbroken NC we have had in the last 7 weeks.

 

Nothing seems to make me feel better. NC kills me.. the last time she broke NC. When i hear from her there is a temporary lift but ultimately disappointment and sadness. When NC happens I feel so much depression and despair.

 

I know one text message is nothing but the SMS in the early hours of Thursday morning still goes round and round my head 'I wish I had been there' followed by a sweet little pet name she has for me.

 

Since then nothing until her reply yesterday morning which was 'businesslike' to say the least.

 

I'm just confused, exhausted and unable to manage either LC or NC equally. All I know is that I still love her as much as I did, miss her more than I thought I could ever miss another human being, and long for the reconciliation that would bring the life back to me.

 

The Doc

[h_b_k_02]

Doc, I hate to say this, but trust me, you do have a rough road ahead of you.

 

My ex and I broke off last June, became "friends" and basically started to slip away from each other in January of this year after dating for close to 6 years. It is tough.

 

When she started slipping away, I chased, begged, did all this crap. Well, it took a girl from my work hitting on me for me to no longer care, I once again have my confidence back, like this girl (she is the exact opposite of my ex LOL), and I'm going to see what happens with her. I no longer miss my ex, and if it helps I was saying not 2 weeks ago that I did. It just kind of happens.

 

I have become much more popular with my friends, I receive more phone calls from them to go out, and like I said, was asked out by a girl this week.

 

Keep your chin up, confidence around other women happy, and believe me, one day you will wake up and realize it was her loss after all, not yours.

[The_Doc]

Dear HB

 

Thanks... slipping away is precisely what I both fear and expect, and maybe its what I already see happening this week.

 

We still have a lot of unresolved issues not least of which is removing all of my stuff from our former 'mutual' home and a wedding we will both be attending in about a month's time.

 

This girl was in my life the first time 10 years ago. Disappeared off the radar (we didn't actually date the first time) for 5 years and then came back on the scene. Within 3 months we started seeing each other via a LDR and then within 18 months were living together for 3 years.

 

I gave everything up for her then and moved to the city she was living in.

 

A year ago when her job took her to a new city I followed again, leaving everything behind, before 7 weeks ago she cuts me off.

 

Deep down I always feared I would lose her once more and that when I did it would be a slow death. The sad, sad thing is that we were so right for each other -- eveyone thought so, her family, mine, her friends, mine etc etc. Everyone was stunned and shocked when she made her decision and living with this, or at least trying to is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

 

Everyones kind words are a lot of help and encouragement -- thanks. Still heartbroken and still breaking down from time to time

 

The Doc

[h_b_k_02]

You're thought process is the same as mine. You know what though, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, it matters what you and her think.

 

This girl I am seeing now, she is like totally the opposite of what my parents would deem acceptable, if they knew enough about her. I use to be all paranoid about people and their past, and how that would affect me, but in the end, it is only the present and future that matter.

 

Sometimes it's just time to let the past go. It is very, very hard to do and like I said, it takes months to overcome the loss of someone, but you will eventually be ok. If it slips away, you have to just let it. It will be much easier for you.

 

I have even started thinking about this other girl and my ex has slipped my mind on a number of occasions. It sounds so crazy to me because not 2 weeks ago that was always on my mind. Not now. Now I think about myself, I even think about this girl more than her.

 

I want this girl to get attached to me because then I will have some control. She said she gets attached easy, and that is good because I am trying to keep her at arms length for now, have some plans with friends this summer. But I see her everyday (she works with me), so only a matter of time I suppose.

 

I have reached the critical point where the ex no longer has a place in my life, period. I don't think I will take her back anymore, and if you read some of my previous posts, it might sound like I'm crazy.

 

It is all about getting back out there, seeing others and just having fun. Take things slowly with whomever you might meet and let it fall into your lap. It feels kind of weird but liking someone other than the ex is the biggest hurdle to overcome.

 

We are all strong enough to do this.

[The_Doc]

Well its one week since we last spoke -- the longest period with no verbal communication since the break up 7 weeks ago.

 

Jeez it feels like 1 year! I'm really struggling.

 

Beginning of last week she inititated a lot of contact, to which I replied, and since last Wednesday has initiated nothing.

 

Last week she was warm and affectionate -- engaged in some playful, wistful flirting on instant messaging and then sent me a sweet SMS. Then she went away for 5 days and NADA. Zip!!

 

I know NC is supposed to help me heal but I just can't understand why she was so different last week to this week.

 

Times like this I wish i knew what was going through her mind -- why the change??

 

I'm sure you will all advise simply maintaining the NC and letting her contact me again if she wants to -- she knows where I am, how to contact me etc etc

 

Still its hard... this morning was the hardest day of all to drag myself out of bed and into the office. I almost took the whole day off sick I felt so blue I just wanted to stay in bed and wallow.

 

I still find myself succombing to tears and there isn't an hour of everyday that I don't think of her, miss her and want her back.

 

Unrequited love eh!

 

The Doc

[h_b_k_02]

Doc, I was in your place once. Believe me when I and everyone else here say it gets easier.

 

I actually am feeling so incredible this past week. I started seeing this chick last Wednesday and it's all good. No commitment tie down (yet anyway), someone new to get to know, and who knows where it goes from here. I actually look forward to what might happen in the future, not worry about the future as far as my ex is concerned.

 

I guess it is time for me to start becoming a little wary of the dreaded "ex girlfriend phone call" though, but I am fairly certain I wouldn't even have the smallest of inkling to answer, cause why bother.

 

Meet someone else, and see where it goes. This has been the best wake-up call for me and I am so glad it has happened, just wish it were sooner.

[The_Doc]

Struggling with no contact

 

want to pick up that phone and call desperately

 

I keep trying to repeat this mantra:

 

If she wants you back she will come back of her own accord

 

She knows where you are

 

She knows how to contact you

 

Stop chasing her and she will have to stop running

 

If its meant to be it will, if its not then life will move on

 

Time heals even the deepest wounds

 

NC allows you to heal

 

She can't 'miss you' if you are always chasing her and always there

 

---------------------

BUT

 

Still doesn't stop me obsessing 24/7

 

Still doesn't stop me missing her

 

Still doesn't stop me dreaming of her

 

Help everyone... I love her so much and miss her more than I ever thought was possible

 

Funny its been 7 weeks and this is the hardest week in a long, long time

 

I broke down in tears last night when I was at my friends

 

it hurts and I want to stop hurting

 

 

[simon_uk]

Doc I completely understand how you are feeling. I do not know what to say because I am feeling the same. It has been about the same length of time for me and my ex. We have been in complete NC for the past five weeks. Last night I went out feeling pretty confident, chatting to women and reciting a similar mantra to yourself. If she wants me, she will come to me. I had a small altercation with a nightclub doorman because of the footwear I was wearing, it was nothing and meant nothing but it got to me and brought up lots of other negative emotions, especially thoughts of my ex. It is bizarre how one minor negative thought can manifest into a million more heart wrenching thoughts.

 

I am really into Oriental philosophy and have been consulting the I Ching regularly. One quote that keeps popping up is this:

 

"I do not seek the ignorant youth, the ignorant youth seeks me"

 

Very appropriate I think

 

If she truly wants me and loves me, she will come back to me, if she doesn't then I don't want somebody like that in my life anyway, I deserve so much more.

 

I love her and miss her so much it makes me feel ill and especially now as i know she is on a cruise and no doubt enjoying herself no end whilst I sit here pining for the love we had.

 

Kepp strong Doc, you are not alone. i know that doesn't help at all but we are all here when you need to vent.

 

Simon

[The_Doc]

Thanks Simon

 

Support is what I need.

 

Sunday, Monday, wednesday last week she initiated all contact and there was a lot of warmth. Last 7 days almost nothing!

 

I know NC heals but I do want her back -- its the powerlessness of not being able to do anything to affect this that I find frustrating.

 

Aggghhhh

[simon_uk]

Well I would say you are quite lucky to have any contact from her at all. My ex has not contacted me once since we split up. The last contact we did have, she was very hostile towards me. This suggests to me that she still has/had feelings for me. i read another post somewhere that said the same thing, showing anger is a mask for hidden emotions.

 

Anyway, I know it is hard Doc and a lot of people here say it gets easier after a few weeks. Well like I said it has been 5 weeks complete NC for me and it hasn't got a great deal easier nor do I see it getting easier any time soon.

 

But trust me, you are doing the right thing, there is nothing more upsetting than thinking to yourself. maybe she just wants me to call her, maybe she thinks I don't want her because I haven't chased her, maybe she is not fully aware of my feelings, I think I will give her a call, so you do and BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! she shoots you down in flames and tells you what she has already told you, except this time with venom and anger. IT IS OVER!!!

 

So please Doc as hard as it is, stick to your guns, it is easier to have NC than it is to be faced with an onslaught of anger, frustration and worst of all resentment.

 

Simon

[danimal77]

Doc, you wrote this: "I just feel that with ever day that passes the chances of reconciliation fade just that little bit more... and I know that in the majority of cases the dumper doesn't come back. Still its hard to exstinguish that flame that still flickers in my heart, to quash that slim hope that my love clings onto."

 

My friend it is quite the opposite... The more space you give yourself and your ex, the better chances you have of healing yourself and growing stronger and more independent. It is your current or past neediness and lack of independence that pushed her further away and it is the opposite that will make her turn her head.

 

Rarely, if ever, do the ex's come back on their own. The dumpee is usually the one who has to re-extablish some form of contact, but this should not be done right away after the breakup and when done, it should be in the most indirect and non-threatening way...

 

Does the dumper have regret? Of course they do, but by chasing your ex, or demonstrating how much you can't live without them will NOT increase their regret. It will justify to them how right they were in leaving and NOT feel guilty in doing so.....

 

Stay strong and act in control of yourself (your emotions and life) and when YOU are ready, look her up and NOT before then...

 

Cheers,

 

Danimal