Question about NC

[simon_uk]

Some of you may know my situation, basically my ex ended things with me about two mnths ago as far as I know because I did not commit as soon as she would have liked, maybe other things but she said she lost faith so..........

 

Anyhow I tried to get back with her after I had left her for a week, no luck. So i left her for a further three weeks then sent her a letter explaining my thoughts and feelings for her and why I felt things went wrong. there was no blame, no begging, no pleading, just honest thoughts and feelings. Two days later she plays a love song on my voice mail at 4AM. Two days after this I call her and ask her to marry me. She says no! She is very hostile and abusive to me. Then I get a text from her saying, shame you didnt want it when I loved you that much and shame it took you two days to react to the voice mail. She said she thought we could be friends but I will come and get my stuff asap. Four weeks later she still hasn't contacted me regarding her stuff. She is going on a cruise next Friday with her friend, so I guess her thoughts are on that? Besides she owes me money so maybe she doesnt want to contact me before she goes away in case I want it back?

 

Anyway, my question is this. Do you think that maybe she wants me to prove I love her by continually and consistently showing my love, i.e by keep asking her back so she knows for sure I really want her. I mean I asked her to marry me but she may just think that was a knee jerk reaction. I have remained in NC for 4 weeks now and have no intention of calling her but do you think this is just reaffirming to her that I never really wanted her or do you think what I did and said is enough to prove I want her.

 

I am not caving in and like I say I will NOT contact her if that is the ebst thing to do but I am just questioning whether it is the best thing to do or i should be trying to make an effort more?

 

Thank You

[temperamental_taurus]

Simon - I can only help you through a woman's perspective... but here are my thoughts... she is probably feeling very rejected by you... to sit and wait for your reaction for two days after she extended herself by leaving a love song for you, probably felt like an eternity to her. That you didn't react right away probably felt like a kick in the face. Women are emotional creatures... songs, signs, tests, and serious efforts created by genuine responses mean EVERYTHING to us. That you have left her two times now means that she has no faith in you or the stability of the relationship. We want to know our men will be there for us, no matter what. Asking her to marry you, in the middle of no contact feels to her like a desperate act, one that means nothing when in the middle of a break-up. We want to be romanced. We want the most awesome proposal that our man can dream up that envolves thought, planning and surprise. Why? Because if you love us, you'd do it the right way - when it MEANS something. Not, hey ok let's get married because you're not speaking to me right now... no wonder your offer was met with hostility. She isn't contacting you because right now she is injured, feeling rejected, hurt and disappointed. You not having any contact with her is not going to make things better - IF you seriously want her back... she's not going to come crawling back to you, after all the hurt she feels you've done to her. You need to prove it to her - but not by asking her to marry you right now... just be there for her, comfort her, allow her to express feelings and emotions without you getting defensive. And whatever you do - don't leave her again. If you DON'T want her back then continue with the no contact.

[WebChick]

Simon..I gotta agree with Taurus on this one. I'm not saying her verbal abuse is excusable...it's not. However...Taurus hit the nail on the head.

Women respond to emotion..NOT logic. yes, it's logical for her to not act crazy or get weird on you...but when the heart is in turmoil it leads us to do things we LOGICALLY would not. She was probably testing you to see if you would bite. You didn't bite on her timetable...and she lashed out at you. In her mind you should have KNOWN what to do...and because you didn't , maybe she feels you are not right for her anymore. It sounds to me, from what you have posted, that you are the one who holds back on feeling, emotion and passion. Perhaps it is now she realizes those are things she needs in a partner...not someone she has to beg or cajole these things out of. It is simply too much work.

I personally consider myself on the lesser side of emotional, as a woman..BUT I have done my share of testing men in order to provoke a reaction. It can be frustrating...and even devastating when we don't get what we wish for.

In this situation...it sounds like your time is ticking away. Your ex sounds very prideful...and the l;onger you let time slip away...the less likely she will EVER believe you are sincere.

I wish you luck.

[CarterJonas]

It's very difficult to answer your question. The majority of people break up because that's what they want. I guess some others do it for a response, maybe because they felt neglected.

 

All you can do is to give her some space to think as I understand you have told her how you feel.

[simon_uk]

Thanks for the replies everybody. Taurus,just to clarify I never left her once. What I meant in my post is that after she ended it with me, I left her alone. I.e, I didnt pursue her or try to pressure her, I left her to her own devices and gave her space.

[RandomAdvisor]

Did she ever talk to you about commitment and marrige before she dumped you? Or did she just break up with you out of the blue, saying she was upset you hadn't asked her to marry yet?

 

How long were you two together?

[temperamental_taurus]

Ahh, so she was testing you... to see if you would finally commit... sometimes that kind of "shock therapy" works... unfortunately all the game playing is what will eventually cause the end of many once promising relationships. Well, I'm a hopeless romantic and I would suggest to continue to pursue her, letting her know (frequently) that you have every intention on marrying her, that you couldn't see yourself with anyone else and that you'd like the chance to show her how good the two of you can be... be open with your feelings - only this will make her feel secure, do NOT continue with the no contact thing, prove to her that you love her and you're not going anywhere. Suggest that the two of you need to rebuild a sturdier foundation because of what the relationship has been through lately, and that you can definitely see marrying her once the relationship has found more solid ground. Women think - if a man loves me, he'd move mountains to be with me... so my suggestion to you is... you better get going!!!! The path to healing a woman's heart is long, but it can be done... ONLY IF you are sure she is who you want, if not, don't pursue her to only then figure out you're not interested in marriage - this will only damage her more - Good Luck!!!

[RandomAdvisor]

I'd really like to hear some more details/background before I jump to any conclusions as to what he should do.

 

If he talked to his girlfriend about marrige in the past and he was afraid to commit, then his GF had good reason to dump him. In that case it was a wake up call that has worked, and simon will have to work his butt off to prove his love to her, and let her know he's ready to settle down.

 

On the other hand, what if they were only together for 8 months, never discussed marrige at all, and she breaks up with him out of the blue saying he's not ready to commit on her time frame? In that case, I think his ex GF must think he is a mind reader, and terrible at communicating her feelings. A marrige to a person like that would be doomed from the start. I can picture the little things creating problems from the start, like her getting mad at him for not taking out the garbage, when he doesn't even know the garbage is there!

[RandomAdvisor]

Anyway, my question is this. Do you think that maybe she wants me to prove I love her by continually and consistently showing my love, i.e by keep asking her back so she knows for sure I really want her. I mean I asked her to marry me but she may just think that was a knee jerk reaction. I have remained in NC for 4 weeks now and have no intention of calling her but do you think this is just reaffirming to her that I never really wanted her or do you think what I did and said is enough to prove I want her.

 

 

Ok, I just answered my own question and read through your old posts. THIS GIRL IS BAD NEWS. STAY AWAY FROM HER. No contact is the right thing to do. Stick to it.

 

She was being very unrealistic and inconsiderate of your situation in accusing you of not commiting to her. You have a real job! She doesn't. Someone else said it in one of your previous threads, and I agree - she doesn't want commitment, she wants a meal ticket.

 

I know it hurts like hell right now because you still have feelings for her, but you're doing the right thing. Stick to NC! Years from now when you have the benefit for hindsight, you'll look back on this and ask yourself "What the hell was I thinking being so hung up over her?"