Why was my ex so mad at me for waiting?

[lilred]

Here's the deal, i was at my ex's hometown for a business meeting, and i told him that we should meet up. I had to change the time 2x since my meeting was running late, he told me that he would meet me the next day. The next day i told him to meet me at a certain time, and the meeting ran late again for about 45 mins (obviously, this was out of my hands). I couldn't call him to tell him i was running late since this was a very intense meeting and my boss was in front of me. So he just left after waiting 30 minutes! He was so pissed that he wouldn't take my calls and he texted me to tell him that he was very disspointed and not to call him!

Just wondering why he was overreacting at something i had no control over. Even a "friend" would wait for me---although be annoyed. I didn't think that he would be so angry about this considering we haven't seen each other for a few months. Any takes on a man's (ex) psyche? Maybe a positive spin would mean that he was still "passionate" about---after all there's a thin line b/t love and hate.

[kungfumaster]

BTW, its not because he's a man. My ex felt the same way - when we were still together!!

 

Its clear that he's not over you yet, and still has some feelings for you otherwise he wouldn't have been so mad I think. If you broke up with him, then I could see why - he probably is still a bit mad that you broke up with him, and it just blew when you were late again.

 

Better just to leave him alone - I mean, your not together anymore so... if you guys were together, then its a different story. maybe just send him an email explaining your situation again, and apologize if you feel bad.

[gianni]

Is this the ex you cheated on? He will never get over that. If so, he might be trying to give himself any reason at to believe in anything you said while together. Now that you've been unable to uphold something as simple as punctuality(regardless of your reasons for it), he is probably feeling some of the pain he felt when he found out you were cheating. It is partially his fault; there really is no reason to trust you again, in his eyes, and whatever he was hanging on to that redeemed the time you spent together is now gone. This was a very sterile, seemingly harmless test which you ahve now failed.

 

If this is the guy you messed around on, why is he in contact with you at all?

[lilred]

Wow gianni you have a good memory! yes, this is the same ex that i cheated on (regretably so---my most costly mistake ever)

 

anyhow--it's been almost 2 years--and i have to admit i am not 100% over him---it's been hard to do the nc thing since he is constantly calling me--we never discuss our relationship--but instead we reminise about all the many funny times we have together--and let me tell you--he sometimes calls me 2X/day!---so as you see i get confused at his intentions--but i know that he has moved on and is dating other people (i have as well)---but we really have a deep connection w/ each other--i know this sounds contrite--but we really do

 

---so that's why it surprised me that he was so upset and pissed off that he just stood me up after waiting for me

 

--btw is it remotely possible for a guy to forgive even after all this time has passed?

 

--it just seemed so childish of him to be so angry at something that i had no control over---and if this was a "simple test"--anyway to redeem myself---it all seems kinda too dramatic for me---but i guess you're right--he's probably harboring some sort of deep resentment

[gianni]

"is it remotely possible for a guy to forgive even after all this time has passed?"

 

To me, and most people, there will never be a chance for forgiveness, though I am unfamiliar with the circumstance. My sense of it is, what with him calling all the time, is either he has lost self-respect, meaning you took that fromhim and he still flounders to regain it from you, or subsequent to this, is giving you innumerable opporutnities to regain his trust in even the most banal ways.

 

It seems like your tardiness was genuinely unavoidable, but that doesn't matter to him, because your infidelity probably most certainly was.

 

Do you want him back? If he loved you, the hurt you caused by straying may never fade. he will forget from time to time, and if he is a big enough man, will forgive, but it is a cycle. He will have to hurt and forgive everytime he remembers this. If you want him back, don't go near another man for a long time. He might consider that penance, the duration of which is entirely up to him.

 

He might want you back, if only to give you another chance at trust again, not necessarily a relationship. He may realize that despite what happened, he is ridiculously mad for you, and his contact constitutes an interminable series of maneuvers to regain whatever trust he had. If you are stillnot 100 per cent over him, schedule the meetups yourself, arrive 15 minutes early for them, and saturate him with praise until her bores of it.

[DN]

I happen to be one of those people who get very angry at being kept waiting - it is as if the person who is doing that is sending the message that their time is more important than your time.

 

In your case you changed the meeting twice the previous day and then he agreed to meet you the next day and again you were late. Frankly, it would look to me as if you were playing games about some sort of power thing - not pretty.

 

I realise your boss was there - but if the meeting was running late, you could easily have excused yourself to make a quick phone call. If not, you should have thought ahead and set the date at a time you could have made for sure.

 

Then you say he 'stood you up' after having waited half an hour for you. How long did you expect him to wait with no indication from you as to how long you were going to be - or if you were going at all?

 

I think if you look at it from his point of you, you might be able to see why he felt you were being careless about his time, and then unapologetic and less than remorseful. Given the reasons for the break-up, it is not at all surprising that he would be angry - I know I would have been less than impressed.

[lilred]

DN--

yeah--i hate to admit it but i think that all of you are correct--even though i the tardiness was unavoidable, it might seem to him that i was "playing games".

 

I have to say, to my defense, i was unable to check or call him during the meeting, it was a face to face meeting w/ my boss and looking at my phone would seem utterly unprofessional. Obviously, in my ex's eyes, things might have seemed different. He said that he was very disappointed. It was his b-day that weekend and i told him i would take him to a nice dinner, but that had to be scratched also b/c of meetings and dinner w/ the boss.

 

I did apologize to him via voice message, explained my situation and he texted me to say that he was "not mad anymore, just disappointed". What sucks was that b4 i went to this conference, i felt like we were making real progress (e.g. he was calling me everyday and seemed excited to see me)---now after this happened, i haven't heard from him and he sent me a text to tell me that he'll "try to call me later, sometime".

 

Ahh i feel like my progress w/ him is analogus to the story of the big boulder being pushed up that hill: just as you feel like you taxed out your effort, and almost at the top, the boulder just rolls back down to the bottom, and you're right where you started from.

 

Any suggestions to mend my "wrongs" quicker?

[DN]

Go to his hometown when you don't have business meetings so that you can go out on proper dates without fear of interruptions - as soon as possible.

[lilred]

DN:

 

i don't know if that would be make any sense for me

 

1) we are still EXes, we are not dating (i feel like i'm more than friends though)

 

2) i wouldn't have any dignity left if i drove 3 hours to see this guy that possible would not even welcome me wholeheartedly

[DN]

Then I am not clear what you want from him.