I'll always be sad and lonely

[LoneLioness]

Even on the rare chance I ever get over my ex. There is no one else out there for me. I mean come on whos gonna accept someone like me, who doesn't work or go to school? And in addition to that they'd have to be a virgin whos never done anything more then simple quick kissing on the lips (like me), and want to spend nearly all of their time with me. Otherwise I'd be miserable and insecure with them.

[elila]

Go to school, get a job. Not for someone else, for yourself.

[LoneLioness]

I have really bad social anxiety, I've tried it, it didn't work out. So I need someone who will accept me not working or going to school.

[GettingOverIt]

I guess I dont understand the part about them having to be a virgin... Just because someone has experience doesn't mean they would be 'forcing' themselves on you or anything like that....

 

There are guys out there who will see you for what you are and what you want to be, and what you can be... They will love you for you, no matter what your education or your employment...

 

You are feeling pretty low right now, but I think a lot of that is due to this break-up you've had... Things will get better, and I know that is hard to believe right now, but they really will....

[Ms Omaniac]

you need to start seeing a therapist and possibly getting on medication.

 

being in a relationship is not as big a problem as you getting a hold of your mental problem. once you get a hold of the mental problems, then you can have a healthy relationship.

[ShySoul]

From the few posts I've read of yours you seem like a great person. I know how it feels to not think there is anyone out there for you, who will accept you for you. I'm a virgin who has never even done quick kissing on the lips, cheeks, or anything. The feeling of being so far behind everyone else and no one wanting you because you don't have experience... I know that all to well. I want someone with whom I can share those new experiences together, but realistically that's probably not going to happen. I wouldn't count out someone just because they have more experience, but its ok to hold some hope for finding someone with your experience level.

 

On the working and going to school part, are you trying to find something? It won't matter if you currently don't have a job or are in school, so long as you are showing some effort to make something of yourself. I don't have a job either, but I'm looking. As long as you are trying or have a valid reason and are not just lying around doing nothing with yourself, thats ok.

 

It's also ok to want to spend as much time as possible with the person, but you can't be unreasonable about. If someone loves you they will want to spend all their time with you. But you have to accept that things happen and that you may not be able to spend as much time together as you like. Instead, make the most of your time together.

 

I also think that once you get over your ex after some time to heal, that things will look better. I hope you feel better and hang in there.

[shes2smart]

I have really bad social anxiety, I've tried it, it didn't work out. So I need someone who will accept me not working or going to school.

 

"Really bad social anxiety"....who diagnosed you? An MD, a counselor, yourself?

 

If you want your life to get better, then you need to put some effort into making it better. Not up to school or working? Fine. Then get yourself into a treatment program and get yourself to a point where you CAN go to school or work. Being a productive member of society will help you feel better about yourself and increase your self-confidence. You need to do something...the longer you spend immersing yourself in the shadowy, unreal world of the Internet, the worse you are going to get.

 

In purely practical terms, how do you plan to get along in life if you are not employed? You need to pay for a place to live, food to eat, etc. Are you expecting someone else (your parents, a man) to support you? Being totally dependant on others will slowly erode whatever self-esteem and self-respect you have.

 

I've had chronic depression since I was a teenager to the point where I tried to commit suicide...once in high school, once in college, so I'm a little tougher on those who give in to their mental disabilities than those who haven't had any mental health issues. Why? Because I've managed to get through it myself. I didn't do anything extraordinary or impossible, I decided I wasn't going to let a biochemical imbalance in my brain control my life or limit the kind of life I can have. So off to therapy it was...even if I had to do some shopping to find the right therapist. And when things have gotten really out of whack, it meant I had to take meds for a few months. So what? If that's what I need to do to have a decent life and be happy, then that's what I do.

 

Finding someone else to get involved with won't do anything to address the issues that are making you sad and lonely, as some other posters stated above. Finding someone else certainly won't resolve any underlying biochemical imbalances there may be in your brain that make you feel this way. Your life is what YOU make it...not a what anyone else makes it. Until the relationship you have with yourself is solid and healthy, it's going to be incredibly difficult -- if not impossible -- to have a solid, healthy relationship with someone else.

[mjctraider]

Well I'm sure there is someone out there who will accept you for you. If it makes you feel better I'm 27 and I've never had a girlfriend and never have had a second date with a girl. I've never been kissed by a girl or kissed a girl ever in my life. And to top it off I suffer from an anxiety disorder, I'm shy and I'm not that attractive to the ladies, so don't feel so bad you'll find someone who will love you for you.

[Ms Omaniac]

i also suffered from an anxiety disorder for about 3 years. the fog has finally mostly lifted but i got help from my therapist and medication and my understanding family & friends.

 

good luck and dont give up hope.

[Caldus]

Even on the rare chance I ever get over my ex. There is no one else out there for me. I mean come on whos gonna accept someone like me, who doesn't work or go to school? And in addition to that they'd have to be a virgin whos never done anything more then simple quick kissing on the lips (like me), and want to spend nearly all of their time with me. Otherwise I'd be miserable and insecure with them.

 

Yup, no one is going to like you if you keep up that attitude...

[asdf]

I have really bad social anxiety, I've tried it, it didn't work out. So I need someone who will accept me not working or going to school.

 

hope you get used to being alone, cause with that attitude you're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life.

[LoneLioness]

I have really bad social anxiety, I've tried it, it didn't work out. So I need someone who will accept me not working or going to school.

 

hope you get used to being alone, cause with that attitude you're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life.

 

With your attitude no one decent would ever want you. There is nothing wrong with my attitude and me wanting someone to accept me just the way I am. Anyone who thinks there is needs to grow up.

[LoneLioness]

I guess I dont understand the part about them having to be a virgin... Just because someone has experience doesn't mean they would be 'forcing' themselves on you or anything like that....

 

There are guys out there who will see you for what you are and what you want to be, and what you can be... They will love you for you, no matter what your education or your employment...

 

You are feeling pretty low right now, but I think a lot of that is due to this break-up you've had... Things will get better, and I know that is hard to believe right now, but they really will....

 

I want them to be a virgin for numerous reasons, because 1 I am, and I don't want someone more experienced then me, 2 I don't believe in premarital sex and the guy right for me won't either. 3 condoms and birth control are not 100 percent affective, and I want to make sure I 1.don't get a disease and 2. Don't get pregnant by someone who may just up and leave and never be responsible for the kid. 4. I don't want to have to think of all the people they were with before me. That would hurt too much and I'd be constantly worried they were comparing me to them. And yea I know there are good guys out there, but problem is they don't otherwise fit what I want, other then being nice and accepting. In addition to that, my chances are slim to none if I'm not open to the online relationship thing, nobody in my area seems to use dating sites, unless they're at least 25 miles away. A 40 minute drive to see somebody....I can't see most guys wanting to do that when they can find girls who live a 5 minute drive or walk. The person would pretty much have to be as picky as me or they would already be involved.

[shes2smart]

There is nothing wrong with my attitude and me wanting someone to accept me just the way I am. Anyone who thinks there is needs to grow up.

 

Your attitude is the starting point of creating your life. If you believe you "will be sad and lonely forever" as you titled this thread, that is what you will create. Thus far, it's what you have created. You put so many restrictions on what you want from someone else....yet they have to accept you as you are.

 

Since you're a virgin, expecting a potential partner to also be a virgin is reasonable. You have something to offer in exchange for what you're asking for.

 

However, all these other stipulations -- they have to accept that you don't go to work or school (what the heck do you do all day???), they have to spend "90% of their time" with you so you don't feel insecure. Gosh, it sure sounds like you'd rather they had NO life of their own and made it all about you. Relationships do not work that way. What are you bringing to the table to make it worth someone's while to be involved with you?

 

Nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted for who you are. But if you want that, then you have to be willing to accept others for who they are in return. I don't see in your posts where you are prepared to do that. Being accepted is one thing, but since you are not working and apparently do not intend to work, it would appear there's also an expectation that a potential partner would also eventually need to financially support you. I'm not a guy, but if I was, I certainly wouldn't find that attractive.

 

Your life is what you've made/make of it. It is your attitude(s) that brought you to where you are. If there is something wrong with your life, then there IS something wrong with your attitude. If you don't like the way your life is (and it sure as heck sounds like you don't), then you start changing it by changing your attitude.

 

Based on your responses to previous posts from people who are trying to help you, I'm concluding that you're not ready to hear it. You may feel you are being bashed, but I rarely see that happen on this site. When I have seen flames, the site moderators have put a stop to it pretty quickly. It's true that some of us are more blunt than others, and you may misinterpret that as hurtful. After hanging around this site for the better part of a year, I can tell you that ALL the regular posters on here have a genuine desire to help. It would appear you don't want to look at the role you have played in creating your situation, nor do you want to take the responsibility for creating something better for yourself. That's your choice. People only change when they reach a maximum level of discomfort. I guess you're not there yet.

 

Best of luck to you.

[GettingOverIt]

LoneLioness, You have very valid reasons for wanting the kind of man you want. And, I want to tell you that there are guys who would drive 100 miles each way if they had to, just to be with the person they loved. Could that go on forever? No, but if things worked out, then you'd most likely be looking at marriage, so the distance thing would become a non-issue... 40 miles is not far. I know it seems like it, but I drive that to work each way everyday, and I sure in the heck do not enjoy coming to work anywhere near as much as I would enjoy coming to see someone I loved....

 

I do not see you as being picky at all. You know what you want and what you don't want. You are not willing to 'settle' for what you do not want. That is admirable and courageous. I know, it is also lonely sometimes to hold on to that, but I am telling you, there are guys who fit your wants, your desires, your needs....

[LoneLioness]

There is nothing wrong with my attitude and me wanting someone to accept me just the way I am. Anyone who thinks there is needs to grow up.

 

Your attitude is the starting point of creating your life. If you believe you "will be sad and lonely forever" as you titled this thread, that is what you will create. Thus far, it's what you have created. You put so many restrictions on what you want from someone else....yet they have to accept you as you are.

 

Since you're a virgin, expecting a potential partner to also be a virgin is reasonable. You have something to offer in exchange for what you're asking for.

 

However, all these other stipulations -- they have to accept that you don't go to work or school (what the heck do you do all day???), they have to spend "90% of their time" with you so you don't feel insecure. Gosh, it sure sounds like you'd rather they had NO life of their own and made it all about you. Relationships do not work that way. What are you bringing to the table to make it worth someone's while to be involved with you?

 

Nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted for who you are. But if you want that, then you have to be willing to accept others for who they are in return. I don't see in your posts where you are prepared to do that. Being accepted is one thing, but since you are not working and apparently do not intend to work, it would appear there's also an expectation that a potential partner would also eventually need to financially support you. I'm not a guy, but if I was, I certainly wouldn't find that attractive.

 

Your life is what you've made/make of it. It is your attitude(s) that brought you to where you are. If there is something wrong with your life, then there IS something wrong with your attitude. If you don't like the way your life is (and it sure as heck sounds like you don't), then you start changing it by changing your attitude.

 

Based on your responses to previous posts from people who are trying to help you, I'm concluding that you're not ready to hear it. You may feel you are being bashed, but I rarely see that happen on this site. When I have seen flames, the site moderators have put a stop to it pretty quickly. It's true that some of us are more blunt than others, and you may misinterpret that as hurtful. After hanging around this site for the better part of a year, I can tell you that ALL the regular posters on here have a genuine desire to help. It would appear you don't want to look at the role you have played in creating your situation, nor do you want to take the responsibility for creating something better for yourself. That's your choice. People only change when they reach a maximum level of discomfort. I guess you're not there yet.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Ok whatever. You have a right to think what you do but you happen to be wrong about just about everything. For one I don't want someone to spend 90% of their time with me because I'm insecure, its because I know what love freaking is, and if one is really, truly in love then they will want that too. They will not want to go out with the guys every night, they will want to be with me. I realize other people have different definations of love and many would not agree....but if a guys going to be my boyfriend then he needs to share my defination or its just not gonna work, nor would I want it to. As far as my attitude, everyone who has a problem with it is the one with the attitude problem, because any one who thinks that someone who has a negative attitude is to blame for it needs to realize that that negative attitude usually comes from bad past experiences. Not that I consider my attitude negative mind you, its more realistic then anything.

[elila]

Maybe you could try volunteering? That way, on days you don't want to go, you don't have to because you're doing the Organization a favor. But a virgin 20ish guy's not going to waste his time or virginity on someone who has a negative attitude, no life, and won't do anything about it.

I'd accept flaws someone can't change, such as a little disorganized or shy, but you can do something with your life.

Someone's supporting you right now, perhaps they could afford therapy or medication. Maybe just therapy, because it's hell trying to get off antidepressants. My mother took me out of school in the middle of eighth grade due to social anxiety. What a terrible idea that was. I had more time to think about how lonely I was. I'm going back to school in the fall, I'm terrified of how high school's going to be, but life goes on, I don't expect some guy to accept the depressed version of me. So I'm changing my outlook. It's terrifying but I'm making friends and trying to talk with people without medication or therapy.

 

 

I have really bad social anxiety, I've tried it, it didn't work out. So I need someone who will accept me not working or going to school.

 

hope you get used to being alone, cause with that attitude you're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life.

 

With your attitude no one decent would ever want you. There is nothing wrong with my attitude and me wanting someone to accept me just the way I am. Anyone who thinks there is needs to grow up.

 

You have a terrible attitude. Maybe it's depression speaking, but you had plenty of time to think about what you were typing. asdf is right and you know it, that's why you're on the defensive . Everyone has flaws, but the flaws you have can be changed. Whether you get the guy you want or not, you need to change your outlook for yourself. If you do find another guy like yourself, that'd be terrible. Then both of you would be miserable and have something else to complain about,"My husband/wife lies around the house all day, doesn't work or go to school, still supported by parents, won't do anything about it." But part of me gets the feeling that you think a great virgin guy around your age is going to fall for you. If that's so, you're wrong. And no guy, whether he loves someone or not, is going to want to spend all his time with his wife/girlfriend, trust me.

[GettingOverIt]

And no guy, whether he loves someone or not, is going to want to spend all his time with his wife/girlfriend, trust me.

 

Oh, I have been that guy, who wanted to spend ALL his time with his gf, and it drove her crazy... I smothered her to death, and in time (a very short time) smothered the relationship to nothing. There are guys out there who WILL want to suck every breath out of you, I was one. But, I also learned how unhealthy that is... You have GOT to have time alone, time with other people. Yes, it is hard to believe that, but trust me, when you two are together, it makes the time mean that much more...

[asdf]

I have really bad social anxiety, I've tried it, it didn't work out. So I need someone who will accept me not working or going to school.

 

hope you get used to being alone, cause with that attitude you're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life.

 

With your attitude no one decent would ever want you. There is nothing wrong with my attitude and me wanting someone to accept me just the way I am. Anyone who thinks there is needs to grow up.

 

Let me tell you something, and I don't mean to lecture you, I'm just giving it to you straight. Finding the right person for you is not easy. It's damn difficult, and you're not going to get lucky, because luck only happens to people who go out and look for it. You say you have social anxiety to excuse yourself from not going out, mixing in with people, and finding somebody. If you really want to find somebody though, get over it. It's an obstacle to be overcome. Everybody has their own challenges to overcome, but if you start thinking like a victim and saying "I can't overcome this", then you're never going to get anywhere. If you were more constructive and said to yourself "I'm going to get past this" and actually do something about it, then you'll get somewhere.

 

There is nothing stopping you going outside and mixing in, except yourself. You're wrong if you think Mr Right is ujst going to see you, come up to you, and give you unconditional love without you doing anything. Nothing of value in this world comes for free. The one universal currency in life is time, and if you don't do anything about this, you're just wasting your own time.

 

I can tell from your posts that you know that you've got a problem, but the way you're handling it is just to make excuses for yourself from taking any initiative cause you're scared to. And nobody in this forum can help you but yourself. If you recognize you have a problem and you don't try to overcome it, your biggest problem is your way of thinking.

[LoneLioness]

hope you get used to being alone, cause with that attitude you're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life.

 

With your attitude no one decent would ever want you. There is nothing wrong with my attitude and me wanting someone to accept me just the way I am. Anyone who thinks there is needs to grow up.

 

You have a terrible attitude. Maybe it's depression speaking, but you had plenty of time to think about what you were typing. asdf is right and you know it, that's why you're on the defensive . Everyone has flaws, but the flaws you have can be changed. Whether you get the guy you want or not, you need to change your outlook for yourself. If you do find another guy like yourself, that'd be terrible. Then both of you would be miserable and have something else to complain about,"My husband/wife lies around the house all day, doesn't work or go to school, still supported by parents, won't do anything about it." But part of me gets the feeling that you think a great virgin guy around your age is going to fall for you. If that's so, you're wrong. And no guy, whether he loves someone or not, is going to want to spend all his time with his wife/girlfriend, trust me.

 

Well, no offense, but you are only 14 (or not, but your profile says you are) and you have alot to learn. You're at that age where people are shallow and they judge by things like money, looks, etc. That is probably why you are judging me about not working. I am perfectly happy not working, I love having all my time to myself and not having to be around people all day who set off my SA. If others choose to cope with theirs by using meds and/or therapy then that is their choice, but this is my choice and no decent person will look down on me for it. That is very shallow and ununderstanding. You're wrong, any guy who is a virgin and great will want me just the way I am. If not then he is a virgin, but certainly not great and certainly not someone I'd want to ever be with, I dislike shallow people very much. I won't say if he doesn't want to spend nearly all of his time with me that he's not great for that, however he's certainly not my type and I wouldn't be interested then.

 

Asdf is not right and I was on the defensive because what they said was completely rude and the only purpose of saying a pointless one liner like that is to offend. Like you, they have alot of growing up to do.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

YOU need to work to over come your social anxiety. It requires hard work and discipline, but everything worthwhile requires hard work and discipline. Even more discipline. This means that you have to set goals for yourself. Aim to strike up conversations with 25 new people every day. Go out and talk with people of both sexes. Its your fault if you withdrawl socially from people. Get out there and start talking to people. Also, going to school, starting a trade, or getting a job will be necessary!!!

[LoneLioness]

And no guy, whether he loves someone or not, is going to want to spend all his time with his wife/girlfriend, trust me.

 

Oh, I have been that guy, who wanted to spend ALL his time with his gf, and it drove her crazy... I smothered her to death, and in time (a very short time) smothered the relationship to nothing. There are guys out there who WILL want to suck every breath out of you, I was one. But, I also learned how unhealthy that is... You have GOT to have time alone, time with other people. Yes, it is hard to believe that, but trust me, when you two are together, it makes the time mean that much more...

 

You didn't "smother the relationship to nothing". You were just incompatible with her.

 

I'm sick of societys immature and unreasonable attitude that you have to spend a certain amount of time with a person and not go over it because that makes you clingy, or even less then a certain amount of time with someone and that makes you distant. Maybe it does, but the point is that theres nothing wrong with either. True, 95% of people are bothered by clingyness or the opposite distantness, but that doesn't mean the other 5% should change to please them.

[LoneLioness]

YOU need to work to over come your social anxiety. It requires hard work and discipline, but everything worthwhile requires hard work and discipline. Even more discipline. This means that you have to set goals for yourself. Aim to strike up conversations with 25 new people every day. Go out and talk with people of both sexes. Its your fault if you withdrawl socially from people. Get out there and start talking to people. Also, going to school, starting a trade, or getting a job will be necessary!!!

 

I'm not interested in overcoming it, I'd prefer someone who had it as well because they'd see the world the same way I do and not be naive and be able to see people for what they really are.

[Iceman26]

If you meet someone exactly the same way you are, get married, etc, then how are you going to support yourselves if neither of you work?

[ShySoul]

I said this on one of your posts and I think it could help. Try finding some support group for people with SA. Then you will be more likely to meet the kind of person you want. I get the feeling that you want someone who has gone through what you have gone through and understands how you are feeling and what you believe. There is nothing wrong with that. But it's also hard to find someone like that. I know, I struggle with that to. But if you are a part of some SA group then you'll have people there you can better relate with.

 

I agree that when you love someone you will want to spend all your time with them. The issue that I'm seeing is that you can't spend all your time with that person, not because they don't want to but because they really can't. Particularly if you don't want to work and want your husband to support you. His job may require a lot of his time in which means less time around you. But that wouldn't mean he loves you less. As long as the time spent together is wonderful and you can feel how much you love each other even when your apart, thats what counts.

 

I admire the way you hold onto your beliefs. I hold many of them too. I'd prefer a virgin girl, someone with whom I can share intimate moments with and know we are sharing them for the first time together. I also dislike shallowness and think that the right person will understand the real you. And, being very shy myself, I dont think it is something to overcome as much as it is something to incorporate into your life. The problem that I see is that it comes off like you are afraid to try something new and you get defensive easily when we make suggestions. It's ok to not be an extremely social creature, but you do need to interact with others. Taking classes or getting a job would be beneficial to you, for your own personal growth. You can't let your anxiety get the better of you.

 

And if its any consolation, if I lived near you I would love to spend time with you. We'd probably have a lot in common.