Messy Situation...HELP!

[Diabra]

This is a long-ish story. Please bear with me as I explain it. Also, I have to request that the moderators PLEASE not move this new thread to the "cyber-relationships" topic because although me and this guy MET online, our relationship was very much an IRL one and the problem I am left with now is not anything to do with a cyber-relationship but instead the lack of any relationship I have with an ex who said he would always stay in my life and be my "loving friend".

 

To start at the beginning, me and this guy (who will be called RP during this story) met due to my stumbling accross him on a dating site on the web. To make a long story short, we began exchanging e-mails daily and chatting over AIM for hours each day, and we seemed to connect in a very strong way. He said he felt very attracted to me and the feeling was mutual. The more we chatted and learned about each other, the more our feelings grew and within a short time we were spending many hours together each day chatting and getting to know each other via e-mail.

 

I went to meet him and spent a couple days with him and we hit it off really well in person. We knew we had early feelings of love for each other and to me, it seemed like a situation that appeared to be heading into something deeper at some point in the future. I did feel that the whole relationship was "rushed" but he pursued me with such fervor I couldn't sign on to AIM without him being there, ready to chat with me, and he would write me ultra-long e-mails a couple times per day that I had to reply to which also took a lot of my time. I know he was excited about having met someone, and so was I. It's not every day that you meet someone and can establish an emotional connection with in the sort of way that he and I did. But I do feel that things were rushed along and by proceeding as fast as we did, it only caused confused feelings. But that is in the past now and can't be undone...only a retrospective view from where I am now.

 

Before too long, we began to have differences of opinion about certain things. Because of the speed at which things developed between us, our feelings advanced much faster than they should have, and as a result different expectations of the relationship began to develop. As much time and intimacy and closeness (and sexual involvement) as we put into it, I felt we should be thinking about some sort of exclusive dating situation, at least on a trial basis. I felt this was important because we live 135 miles apart and since he doesn't have a car, I was put in the position of having to drive to see him each time we wanted to be together. I was prepared to put a lot of effort into the relationship but he refused to enter any sort of exclusive arrangement with me. He said he wanted to be free to date others and would not "neglect" me in order to do so.

 

This was not acceptable to me, it seemed unfair and unbalanced, with me having to give so much by way of time, driving, auto wear and tear, etc only to have him also sleeping with other people while I did all the work to see him. By the time these problems began, it was starting to become clear to me that we were at different points in the relationship. He was saying that he loved me yet it was clearly something different than the sort of love I was feeling and declaring for him. When he first declared his love for me, I took it to mean that he wanted some sort of ongoing relationship with me that would possibly lead to something more serious or at the very least semi-permanent. When I love someone, this is the sort of relationship I have in mind. Apparently his "I love you" meant something far less involved and totally non-exclusive. I was pretty surprised and floored by learning this. If I had known from the beginning that this was going to be a casual sexual relationship at best, I never would have allowed myself to fall for him in such a serious way. I could have just enjoyed a "relationship lite" with him and moved on when we both felt like things should end. But that is not the impression he gave me during the early phase of our relationship, he "advertised" himself as being emotionally available, not afraid of committment, and ready to forge something deep with another person.

 

So we did battle with this issue for a few weeks, it caused arguments and quarrels, and the more we tried to figure it out the worse things seemed to get. He said I was "pushing" him and making demands, (and perhaps I was to be honest, in retrospect) but there was a lot on the line in keeping the relationship going. I would have to drive four hours each weekend to see him (which I didn't mind doing provided I knew he was committed to some sort of relationship with just he and I in it), I would have to give up each weekend to be with him (again something I didn't mind doing as long as I knew he was equally as committed as I was) and also pay $45 to fill my tank with gas each time I visited him.

 

He offered to buy our dinners each day when I came up to see him and that seemed fair to me. So it wasn't totally my expense/inconvenience to be together. He told me he enjoyed our sexual relationship and the passion we felt together, and I also felt the same way. I just wish I had known early-on that he had no intentions of committing to me so I could have kept my feelings for him a bit more restrained.

 

The quarrels and disputes escalated, and one day he announced to me during a chat that he had received a letter of interest from another woman on an internet dating site (just like the one we met on) and he seemed happy that someone else was showing an interest in him. He said he was interested in being friends with her and possibly more but he was afraid I wouldn't take this "news" very well. Of course I didn't, this was not what we needed right then when we were already having disputes over dating other people and exclusivity. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me, and I was pretty hurt and upset that he actually was going to pursue something with another woman after all the love and passion he declared that he felt for me.

 

We ended up "breaking up" for about five days. During that period, I did not hear anything from him at all. No chats on AIM, no e-mails, nothing. I was pretty torn up during those five days and spent a lot of time thinking things over and realized that our problem was that things were going along WAY too fast and we needed to slow down and back up if we were ever going to have something together. I felt like I was willing to do something like that with him, and at the same time open myself to dating others and forming other relationships (since he made it clear he would also be doing that). After five days of no contact, he came on AIM and instant messaged me and we talked for a few hours. He said he missed me and the passion we shared, and that he couldn't believe how much our love-making stayed on his mind and filled him with desire for me.

 

I told him what I had been thinking about our relationship and that I felt it would be best for us to back off some and learn more about each other instead of rushing into something so fast like we did initially. At this point, his views about "us" had obviously changed quite a bit. He seemed much more willing to allow things to end from a romantic/dating standpoint and he started talking about us being "loving friends" and not worrying so much about the dating aspect of things. He agreed that we didn't really know each other very well because of the speed at which things developed between us and it seemed like we were on the same page finally about what we were going to do to fix/help our relationship as a couple. It seemed like he was agreeing with me to back off some, continue to see each other, have a non-exclusive sexual relationship that was dating but not serious dating, and we also agreed at that point that we probably wouldn't do well in a permanent sort of relationship but that something that lasted a year or two would be more realistic. That was okay with me. It seemed like we were pretty much agreeing.

 

So at this point he asked me if I would consider coming up to see him that weekend and spend 2 1/2 days together to "solidify our friendship" as he put it and also to "talk about us". The idea of sharing another weekend with him seemed like a good idea to me at that point. I felt by then that we really needed that sort of time together to do something other than just have sex...we needed to do things together as a couple like hobbies, watching movies, just talking...he kept saying "we needed this time together" and I figured that meant that he felt we should have it in order to mend things between us and possibly move forward.

 

Turns out I was wrong. I went and spent the weekend with him, as he requested and even though we were intimate sexually and he was still declaring his love for me openly...I could feel a distance there that he seemed to be putting between us deliberately. He hardly looked me in the eye at all and had a coldness to him that was not there the first weekend we spent together when we were on more stable ground. I wasn't sure what to make of this "distance" but I thought maybe it was just him being cautious and trying to pull back some on our emotional involvement.

 

On Sunday afternoon of this weekend we spent together we eventually got down to having "the talk". The relationship talk. What he said to me at that time hit me like a brick wall but given the distance he put between us thus far, it wasn't a total surprise. At that point, he pretty much dumped me. He said he felt we did not have much compatibility and should just be "loving friends" and see if the future brought anything else. He said he still loved me and would always "be there" for me as a close friend. He also said he was not closing the door completely on the possibility of the future being more for us than "friends". This view of his was totally different than what he was saying to me just a week before that...I really didn't think he was going to drop the ball at this point in the game. I thought I was going to spend that weekend with him in order to strengthen the relationship we did have and re-evaluate where it might go in the future. He had other ideas. He wanted to dump me.

 

So I did the wrong thing. I began to cry, I was needy, he held me...I cried more, and he just kept saying how sorry he was that things ended up this way, and how he wishes he had done some things differently etc. He also said he wished we had gone much slower in developing the relationship. He also emphasized how he would always love me and be a part of my life, etc etc. I stupidly believed that. When I mentioned coming back again to spend another weekend with him, he hedged and said, "well we don't have to make that decision now".

 

I went home the next day and on the drive home it was clear to me that it was over. He wanted one last weekend with me in order to have sex and then dump me and move on. Turns out I was right about that. I went home that day and he has not been on AIM to talk to me even once since I left his place that day and we have exchanged two strained, cold e-mails since that time and now we are totally out of contact for about a week now. He quit signing his letters to me with "love", he has cut off all the closeness and all the contact.

 

It has recently come to light that he had been "courting" this new woman who wrote to him and he had already been involved with her prior to our last weekend together. It turns out that during the five-day period when we broke up the first time, he was busy writing/texting/chatting her up and preparing his soft place to land when he broke up with me. I was heartbroken for those five days and he was spending his time away from me courting someone new. I suspect he had not gone far enough along with her yet to get HER to come and spend the weekend with him so he came on AIM to sweet-talk me into coming up and being with him sexually that weekend. He had already "cut the string" with us but felt he wanted that last romp in the hay with me before moving on to her.

 

So now it's been a week and a half since he dumped me and I am in quite a bit of pain now. We had a lot of potential that could have been explored but this other woman came along at exactly the perfect time and he turned away from me and to her. He has totally distanced himself from me now...I feel like he is getting advice and counsel from his new lover...and she is most likely telling him to stay away from me. We are NOT "loving friends", we are not anything. He dumped me and left to be with her. I am positive that they were together for this entire last weekend, only one week after he and I spent nearly three days as lovers. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have dumped me and then disappeared so utterly and completely like this unless he was being advised to "cut me off" and I am sure his new g/f is behind this. He is the type of guy who would have written me to make sure I am doing okay, or at least logged into AIM to check and see how I am taking the break-up.

 

But now, there's nothing. I wanted a second chance with this man, I felt we had a lot going for us. But we went way too fast and jumped into love prematurely. I thought he was agreeing to back up and learn more about each other before moving forward...but now I feel only used for one last weekend of good sex before he moved on to his new lover. The way he talked PRIOR to our weekend together made me think we were on the same page, but afterwards it only seems like he was using me and then dumped me in order to pursue something with this new woman.

 

So now I'm heartbroken and lonely. He now seems "under the spell" of this new lover and any chance of us being friends is out the door. He has cut off e-mail contact with me and he might as well have just fallen off the edge of the planet for all I know of him now. This is a big switch from the ultra-closeness we used to share. How sad.

 

Any hope for me? Please don't give the "move on" advice...I already know all about that. Ditto with the "he's not good enough for you" blah blah, I appreciate that but it's cliche and doesn't actually help me deal with the real situation at hand here. Please advise!

[Ms Omaniac]

i knooow you dont want to hear "move on"...but you HAVE to...you dont have a choice. he sounds like the type of guy that goes from girl to girl fast. even though you say this one lady got in between you two...but ANY lady had the potential to get in between you two because he likes the thrill of the hunt. and i doubt seriously that he is going to be exclusive with this lady either. she just doesnt know it yet. he sounds like a great manipulator...telling you things that he knows you want to hear. he has probably done this several times before so he knows what to do and say. he also sounds like he is addicted to the rush and newness of a relationship...but once it starts to get stable and more serious...he bails to find another. try to see only his faults...dont reflect on the things he said...consider them lies. i truly think this man is very bad for you and preyed on your good heart.

[whiterock girl]

I don't mean to be harsh, but I have done the online dating thing on and off for 5 yrs now and honestly, this guy (& guys his type) troll the websites looking for 'easy prey' to have sex with, and that is about it. (I have also had the bad luck to experience guys like this online. They are Jerks, and nothing will ever change that.

 

I can tell from your email and your writing style that you are much classier than that, but you've been scammed, no doubt about it. He is looking for easy 'marks' and once he gets them, he loses interest completely. Please don't waste more time with him, go find someone who will be grateful to spend an evening with you, instead of the other way around.

 

Good luck!

[melrich]

I think whiterock girl is right on this one. This guy is someone to avoid at all costs. He's caused you enough hurt already, don't go back for more.