emotional blackmail

[aelynnryelis of greensky]

ok heres the thing..... me and my ex recently broke up after an 18 month relasionship..... ummm a few days after are brake up i went out with another guy. but soon after that i had to break up with him because i was going through depression. my ex made me feel as if i was the one who made the mistakes that cost us our relationship. and i tortured myself for 2 weeks over it thinking he'de give me another chance. but soon after he told me that there wouldnt be any more "us". so then i knew it was time to move on. and im trying to. but it kills me to see him the way he is. he hangs around with bad ppl and he smokes pot/drinks and god only knows what else. anyways today it got a whole lot worse. cuz now HE's cutting himself. i got soo mad i wanted to kill myself. so i asked him why he did it. and he said and i quote " you really what to know ...?...... i do it because i miss you!" its my fault. i know theres something i could have done to stop it from happening. i dont know anyore..... i need help please.

[PhoenixInATL]

BY ALL MEANS, NO!!!! You did NOTHING to cause him to cut himself. Regardless of who was at fault in the relationship, he's chosen a lifestyle that is self-destructive. Perhaps as part of that he's now seriously depressed and has resorted to cutting himself. It's actually a known thing, that some people do that.

 

But the reasons are in their head, and not because of anything you did. Perhaps it is because he "misses you", but the vast majority of people that miss someone DON'T CUT THEMSELVES!!! I've missed plenty of people, friend, boyfriends, lost loves, etc., and I've never considered cutting myself. Nor has anyone else I know that have been through all kinds of losses, regardless if it's their the other person's fault or their own as to why the relationship ended.

 

"Cutting yourself" is well known. Go to link removed and type in "cutting myself" and you'll get plenty of hits about people who do this. More accurately, type in "self-mutilation" and you will find many articles describing cutting yourself. The "self-mutilation" term sounds severe, but professionally that's generally what it's called.

 

If your ex is doing this, it's not because of you. 99.9% of people don't react that way to "missing" someone. It's because he has deeper underlying issues. But although you care about him and would perhaps want to run to help, don't do it outside of suggesting that he seek help. There are people that are qualified to help people through this, and you're not qualified. If he decides to seek help, then being supportive is good. If he doesn't, your best be is to stay away because you don't need major guilt trips over something you ARE NOT responsible for.

[Hope75]

Your ex is responsible for his own behaviour and he is using you as a scapegoat which is manipulative and unfair.

 

It is not your fault, and it has nothing to do with you. If you are concerned about it, talk to your parents and/or a school counselour and let them know what's going on. Someone can intervene and try to get him the help he needs.

 

Don't fall for that cop out line. He is able to control himself and he is just trying to upset you and it's working.

[Guarana Galrok]

I doubt that the two posts above mine are correct. While I think it may be comforting to the original poster to be informed it isn't her fault, I seriously doubt that he'd be cutting himself if he had never met this girl. Regardless of what caused it, he must be the one to end it. It isn't your problem that he is so desperate to get attention from you that he cuts himself (And for the record, I, as well as many people I know have cut themselves over missing someone).

[PhoenixInATL]

Guarana, it may have been triggered because he misses her, but how does that make it her fault? Perhaps I'm misreading what you said, but how does his choice to cut himself leave her responsible/guilty for his behavior choice?

 

Clearly there are a lot of other issues that are going on with him to make him do that, not because he simply misses someone. And even people with a lot of issues don't tend to do that. He needs to seek professional help to find other ways to deal with his issues other than self-mutilation. To put it on her is a cop out. Not only does it hurt her, but it hurts himself for not facing his issues.

 

I do very much think he'd be cutting himself if he'd never met her--it'd just be over a different girl. Experiencing emotions is one thing we may not have control over, but we do have control over our responses to those emotions. And we own the responsibility for those responses. If we find it difficult to respond in a healthy way, it's our responsibility to seek help and not blame other people.

[PhoenixInATL]

aelynn'ryelis of greensky, it is NOT your fault. Please read the following. I found it via link removed and typing in "cutting yourself"

 

link removed

 

Here's an excerpt:

 

Why Do People Cut Themselves?

It can be hard to understand why people cut themselves on purpose. Cutting is what experts call an unhealthy coping mechanism. This means that the people who do it have not developed healthy ways of dealing with strong emotions, intense pressure, or upsetting relationship problems.

 

People who cut or self-injure sometimes have other mental health problems that contribute to their emotional tension. Cutting is sometimes (but not always) associated with depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, obsessive thinking, or compulsive behaviors. It can also be a sign of mental health problems that cause people to have trouble controlling their impulses or to take unnecessary risks. Some people who cut themselves have problems with drug or alcohol abuse.

[thisisnotanexit]

tell someone about hiw new behaviours

 

they are not your fault, but he does need help. you don't have to go back with him, but you can get him help. check out this site

 

 

link removed

 

that explains a lot.

 

don't be so hard on yourself, take care